DD doesn't treat Daddy nicely

[spmamma]

DD is 26 MO. She was a high needs babe and has always preferred me over everyone else, including DH. When she was tiny, she'd scream bloody murder if I wasn't carrying her, etc. It was tough on DH (and me, too, because it wore me out to never get a break), but we did whatever we needed to do to meet her needs as a babe.

Flash forward... now she's 2 YO and she hasn't grown out of it. While I don't mind that she still needs me a lot (she's never had an independent nature), I'm very frustrated with the way she treats DH. And I'm starting to get really nervous because I'm 32 weeks pregnant and will need her to be a bit more reliant on DH after the baby arrives.

Here are a few examples of what goes on:

• She says "No!" to everything DH asks her to do. Most times in a not-so-nice way. "No." is pretty much her standard response to any question he asks her.
• She refuses to let DH hold her hand in the parking lot or when walking along a busy street if I'm around. She's okay with it when I'm not there, but will have a huge tantrum if I'm there and she has to hold his hand. Usually this results in him carrying her (for safety) and her screaming, or me holding her hand just to placate the situation.
• She won't share toys with DH when we all play together. She's constantly grabbing things out of his hands or screeching when he leans against a pillow in her room when we're playing on the floor (she somehow always wants the pillow the minute Daddy sits down).
• She screams bloody murder if DH tries to put her to bed at night. The best we've been able to do in terms of compromise here is to have DH sit in bed with her to read her stories and say prayers. I then sit and read in a chair in her room while she falls asleep, but she still needs me there to fall asleep.

I could go on and on... the point is, she doesn't do this stuff with me (or when I'm not around). I'm at a loss as to what to do. DH comes home from work exhausted every day (his job has a physical aspect to it and the schedule is extremely early) so most days he just doesn't have it in him to fight with her on her attitude. Plus, while I know it makes him sad, he has - to a degree - become used to it.

We really need her to change, but we're at a loss as to what to do. We ask her to speak to Daddy nicely, ask her to take turns with Daddy, etc. but nothing seems to help. I'm just at a loss.

I feel like this is only going to get worse if we don't do something about it - and I don't think that having the baby will naturally correct it (i.e. she'll have to spend more time with him so she'll stop the behavior). He will be taking 6 weeks leave when the baby comes so we have a great opportunity to work on this with her together.

I'd love to get some perspective on this. She's a wonderful little girl and super sweet, but this has been nagging at me for a while now. I know she'll grow out of her super-need for mama, but I really think the daddy mistreatment needs to be curbed before it becomes even more ingrained than it already is.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Its a very typical stage, and very hard on the dads.

The best thing to do is for dad to work on the attachment with her. He needs to work really hard to make being with him fun. Get down on the floor with her and play, play, play. Meanwhile, Mama needs to be boring during daddy time. Maybe go for a walk (if you can slip away without tears), or take a bath (if she won't be constantly trying to get in to the bathroom), or just sit on the couch doing absolutely nothing, letting dad run the show.

It doesn't work for him to say, "Do you want to play X?" The answer is going to be, "NO!" Dad just needs to get out some interesting toy, sit down on the floor, and start playing. With Mama being boring, she will be drawn in, and soon they will be having great fun together.

Playful Parenting by Cohen would be a great book for him to read.

With an improvement in attachment (e.g. she sees him as a fun, loving person) some of the other stuff will resolve on its own. She's going to prefer Mama for a while yet but at least she'll be at the point where she's willing to accept Daddy when Mama isn't available, at least much of the time.

[mamazee]

I think you could use a small change of perspective. She isn't mistreating daddy. She hasn't yet become that attached to daddy. That isn't her fault. So stop blaming her for this, and have your dh woo her with playtime and stories. They will build a bond, but this is normal and not something she's doing wrong or doing to hurt your dh.

[spmamma]

mamazee, I'm certainly not trying to blame my DD for this. I know that she is just 2 YO - I was just looking for some advice and support on how we can help her be kind to her daddy. I don't know anyone else whose toddler does this and she is our first child (no other experience to look back on), so I was feeling nervous about it becoming a permanent state of affairs in our house especially since we have a new baby coming soon.

BellinghamCrunchie, thanks for the reassurance and advice. I especially like the suggestion to become the boring one when daddy is around. We will have to try that.

[alicia622]

DS still goes through stages where he wants me and only me (if I'm around!). DH has had his feelings hurt plenty but understands that really, it's just a stage- one of these days Daddy is going to be his idol.

[3*is*magic]

I have a 3 year old son who was much the same way as your daughter. It was all mommy ALL THE TIME. It was exhausting for me and hurtful to my DH.

My DH started getting up with him on weekend mornings and would whisk him out of the house before I even got up - to the bakery for a doughnut, to the playground for early morning fun, to the grocery store that has all kinds of fun samples and a cow that moos when you push a button. DH did this because I needed a break, but the delightful side effect is that DS now BEGS for daddy time. Saturday mornings are THEIR time together. They don't always leave the house-sometimes they make pancakes or waffles together before I get up-but I am never a part of their time together. (Because I am asleep ) Often they DO leave the house for some kind of treat and I think that adds to the specialness of time and motivates my son to go. I think the key to it working in the beginning was that DH got up, changed him, got him some milk. Mom wasn't around to be preferred over Dad and once DS figured out that Dad was actually WAY more fun than I am, things got better.



Good Luck!!

Leeann

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by 3*is*magic

I have a 3 year old son who was much the same way as your daughter. It was all mommy ALL THE TIME. It was exhausting for me and hurtful to my DH.

My DH started getting up with him on weekend mornings and would whisk him out of the house before I even got up - to the bakery for a doughnut, to the playground for early morning fun, to the grocery store that has all kinds of fun samples and a cow that moos when you push a button. DH did this because I needed a break, but the delightful side effect is that DS now BEGS for daddy time. Saturday mornings are THEIR time together. They don't always leave the house-sometimes they make pancakes or waffles together before I get up-but I am never a part of their time together. (Because I am asleep ) Often they DO leave the house for some kind of treat and I think that adds to the specialness of time and motivates my son to go. I think the key to it working in the beginning was that DH got up, changed him, got him some milk. Mom wasn't around to be preferred over Dad and once DS figured out that Dad was actually WAY more fun than I am, things got better.



Good Luck!!

Leeann

What a great idea! Thanks so much for sharing, Leeann. I will definitely be sharing this one with DH. I think it will be especially helpful when the new baby arrives.

[TinyMama]

I second the idea of having Daddy take her out. My DD goes through stages like this too, but we've noticed that when DH is regularly spending time alone with her, things always get better.

I have to leave the house, or he has to take her out, for this to work for us. Knowing that I'm nearby but *refusing* to play has always just frustrated my DD.

DH says that when they're out together, and she is forced to rely on him as her security/primary caretaker, she never pushes him away or says, "no" because she NEEDS him. And it carries over to home, b/c they spend time before bed talking about what they did together--reinforcing her memory of Daddy being important to her.

Good luck!

[spmamma]

Originally Posted by TinyMama

DH says that when they're out together, and she is forced to rely on him as her security/primary caretaker, she never pushes him away or says, "no" because she NEEDS him.

This is definitely the case with us, too. We need to add more outings for just the two of them. I'm sure it would help.

[kiwiva]

First, I'd tell DH not to take it personally. DD was like this forever. She will be 3 in a month. It has finally been getting better the last couple months. The other night she was sick and I was kinda amazed that she insisted DH be in the room with her (along with me). Definitely the outings idea works really well. DD started going on the weekend errands with DH, it's their thing. And also in the evenings I disappear for a bath and she plays with DH. No choice in the matter. Then he starts the bedtime routine. He also gets her ready in the am when he's home (he travels a lot). I just presented it as this is how it's going to go and she did get with the program.

I did need to concentrate on getting DH to be more fun. He had a tendency to keep reading a magazine or being on the computer or whatever and interacting with DD less unless she was being really insistent (whereas I was more interactive) but when he would start suggesting activities "Here let's build with these blocks" or whatever then she found him to be more interesting. If your DH is feeling rejected, he may be less inclined to put it all out there with her too which will just prolong it.

It will get better. Finally in the last couple months DH can actually soothe DD if she awakes and if she injures herself or whatever. I really never thought I would reach that point.

[heartmama]

Ds never minded dh caring for him at that age--so long as I was in sight. If I so much as went out in the yard, ds would become very upset.

Dh did as the other poster mentioned--when he came home from work I literally met him at the door with ds and handed ds off to daddy. They went to see the big boats at the dock, feed the ducks, eat jerked fish (a local speciality) or ice cream. As long as daddy took ds OUT to do something fun, ds was fine with it.

That gave me a much needed break.

I also started a part time job in the evenings around this time, and ds would become hysterical if I left the house. We tried it once or twice and I literally came home to find dh and my bil standing in the driveway with ds--ds cried so much they had to console him by walking around the sidewalk as though I would appear in a moment, so that he stopped crying.

Dh had to start dropping me off at work, and from there took ds out for his usual outing. Ds accepted that much better. I have no idea why!

Anyway! Ds totally outgrew this at about 3 years old.

The key is for dad not to back off in fear, but to step up and take his child out (yes, away from mom, which for whatever reason works very well in these instances) and create a fun routine they can both enjoy.

It may also help to 'tag team' with dd at home. You say she is fine when you are not there--so don't be there. Go out for a walk, or to the store, and let that be part of your evening routine. Your dh and your dd will manage!