6yo Hitting me - Tired of it!

[MtBikeLover]

My 6.5 yo DS has always been a hitter. When he was little, we couldn't leave him alone for even a minute. And even then, he would hit other kids. Around 3 he stopped hitting kids, but then around 3.5 he started hitting me. He has slowed down as he has gotten older, but he still does it maybe 1-2x a month when he gets angry at me.

Tonight, we were at Chuck E Cheese (this was not the cause as he has never done this before here) and he was playing a game. There was someone behind him who was waiting to play and when DS tried to play again, I told him he had to give the other child a turn first but that he could play again after him. He got angry at me and elbowed me in the knee. I remained calm, but told him it was time to leave because hitting wasn't acceptable. After we got in the car and was waiting for my mom and DD, he hit me again hard in the arm. I told him that we would not be coming back for awhile. Then he kept threatening to throw the coins at me and hit me. At that point, I was so angry and told him that if he did that, he would not be going to soccer tomorrow or his friend's b-day party. I know that neither of those were natural consequences, but the natural consequence (me being angry and sad) weren't having any effect on him. I also know they were really harsh, but I have reached my limit of being a punching bag.

Then when everyone was in the car, he refused to get in his seat. I gave him 3 minutes and lots of warnings, but told him again that if he didn't get in there would be no soccer or party. He chose not to get in.

When we got home, we talked, cried, hugged for a long time. We talked about how this wasn't working and that it was totally unacceptable for him to hit me. I asked him what he thought a consequence should be. He wants his consequence to be that he loses allowance if he hits me. This feels very wrong to me because the only purpose of allowance in our house is for the kids to understand money. We don't tie it to anything - chores, behavior, etc.

I need help! Anyone have any ideas for me on what to do? For now, I have agreed to his suggestion and we wrote a "contract" between us and both signed it, but I am open to any other ideas that anyone might have. BTW, we don't do timeouts.

[harrietsmama]

I *so* hear you. I am at the same point with my son, although he doesn't necessarily hit in anger, he just gets so intense in play, especially with his sister and my dp, he doesn't hit me. I don't know how to get through to him. I have been on the opposite side, trying to choose a specific response vs. doing something just to do something, usually we just say we don't hit, and then if it happens again, we're not going to play with you when you hit. The thing is, my dp doesn't call him on it right away or consistently so I am also having a hard time 'disciplining' my dp And then he is pressuring me to do punishment/reward stuff. I just read a book called 'your seven year old, life in a minor key' by the Gesell institute which gave me a lot of perspective. I have to explore it more to use it effectively - it's not really a do this book, more of an understanding book. They have a whole series by age, maybe it would help?

When ds was 6 he was much more angry. What helped then was trying to teach him to take breaks when he got overwhelmed. I pointed out to him when I thought he seemed to be winding up and asked if he thought he should take a break. Stuff like Chuck E. Cheese's can be so overstimulating, as can video games. We still do this type of stuff, but we keep it short and try to go at off times. Same with the zoo, science center etc. At first he still had volcano sized melt downs and I had to physically remove him from the present situation. I just set him in a quiet spot - at home, in his room under his loft in the squishy spot, at Grandma's, it was the pink recliner that faces the TV and conveniently everyone else. He would react more if I stayed, and if I tried to comfort him or check on him, so I would just be in earshot. When he was calm he would come to me & we would talk or sometimes he acted like nothing happened. I followed his lead on this initially to try to reinforce effective behaviors. I don't know what type of attention or lack of your ds would respond best to, so it may not help to leave him alone. I felt terrible at first but eventually he told me he liked it better, I think maybe from embarrassment. Now he will take his own breaks some of the time. It's a long term process to learn this level of self evaluation and control, especially for a kid, but it is paying off. I also take breaks when I get angry or frustrated or my ears want to quit. I tell the kids "mom needs a break' It shows them that breaks are something everyone needs, and it does tend to quiet them down. Given - mine are 9 & 7 and my 9 is mostly a dream child - the only thing I have trouble with her is nagging her brother, I can almost guarantee if ds is getting irritated in the car, dd is whispering some song or doing a 'I'm not touching you' type of activity they need one of these with a halo or something for her

I didn't mean to write a book, but I hope something in there is helpful to you

[Cavy]

I feel your pain, MtBL. Although DS (5) isn't really a hitter, but a SHOUTER, which is quite embarrassing (and he does progress to hitting, sometimes).

I agree about the separating and calming down. When DS calms down again he can resume the activity. For us, part of calming down means he has to say aloud "I must not XXX" where XXX can be 'shout', 'hit', 'pinch', 'spit', 'kick' etc. Unfortunately with DS I usually have to restrain him to some degree. It may not sound nice or fit in with any popular parenting philosophy, but it works better than just talking to him, and stops me getting hurt or him hurting himself (he is ace at trying to smack me and hitting something hard and unyielding instead as I dodge aside). The hilarious part is that after his initial brief wild struggle, I am usually just loosely holding his wrists while he wriggles his body madly everywhere else, screaming "You're hurting me! You're hurting me! Let go!!" and honestly, I'm barely holding his arms at all at this point.

Eventually he calms down, says the I must not XXX, cuddles up for a minute, then returns happily to play as though nothing had happened. It's like he's flush with testosterone and he just needs these aggressive outbursts once or twice each day to get it out of his system.

He is controlling his temper better the last few weeks since I started this regime; we have tried all sorts of tactics before without as much progress.

[rabbitmum]

When I was little I went through a period when I hit my sisters. I remember feeling so incredibly awful about it afterwards, but couldn't manage to control my temper. My parents didn't really help me find ways to express my feelings adequately. I remember my father telling me to count to ten before reacting, but that wasn't really enough. I felt like a bad, bad person.

I think a six year old probably knows really well that he shouldn't hit and why, but that he might need help and reassurance. Therefore I think "consequences" may be ineffective.

My three and a half year old had a period of hitting me recently. I always hold him on my lap until he calms down, and try to talk about it then or later when he is ready for conversation. I don't know if it would work with a six year old, but maybe?

You know that he doesn't want to be bad, but does he know that you know?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by rabbitmum

When I was little I went through a period when I hit my sisters. I remember feeling so incredibly awful about it afterwards, but couldn't manage to control my temper. My parents didn't really help me find ways to express my feelings adequately. I remember my father telling me to count to ten before reacting, but that wasn't really enough. I felt like a bad, bad person.

I think a six year old probably knows really well that he shouldn't hit and why, but that he might need help and reassurance. Therefore I think "consequences" may be ineffective.

My three and a half year old had a period of hitting me recently. I always hold him on my lap until he calms down, and try to talk about it then or later when he is ready for conversation. I don't know if it would work with a six year old, but maybe?

You know that he doesn't want to be bad, but does he know that you know?

:

It doesn't sound like manipulative hitting, or hitting because he likes to get a reaction. It really sounds like his impulse control is gone in that minute.

I would forget the consequences, and focus on:

1. Getting him out of the environment that contributing to the hitting, even if its just for a few minutes until he regains control. Then make a plan for going back in, and go back in. This is not exclusionary, or punishing, time-out, because you go with him and stay with him until the both of you have a better plan for dealing with the situation. Stay with him to coach him through the plan the both of you made.


2. Focus on teaching him to deal with angry feelings. Give him a phrase to say, e.g. "I'm really MAD right now!" Validate his feelings and help him process the feelings. Problem-solve with him and/or show him how to turn his attention to something else. I would have no problem ignoring the hitting while I helped my child work through her feelings, but maybe that's because DD doesn't hit very hard and she has terrible aim.

[lara1828]

I have a 5.5 yo with a similar inclination to hit me and I realized recently that I had made a mistake by making TOO big a deal over it. I think he really thought he had the power to hurt me or even overpower me. Well, he doesn't. So I changed my response. Now, if he's hitting me, I just restrain him and say something like, "I won't let you hit me." or "It's OK to be mad, but it's not OK to hit me." I REALLY work at not letting it escalate to yelling and consequences (I'm not perfect tho). They just lead to power struggles that no one really wins.

Another thing that has helped generally with reacting to his own anger is to say something along the lines of "Wait a couple minutes until you're done being angry." Honestly, I don't think I consciously realized that angry feelings pass pretty quickly until, uh, a few months ago. It really seems to help to verbalize that to him. It does pass and then we can come to a solution most of the time.

Regarding allowance, we have the same allowance set-up you do - just learning the value of a dollar (and not driving me crazy begging for stuff at the store). The only time I took allowance away for behavior was when he was being mean to our cat a lot. I took away a dollar when I saw him kick or otherwise hurt the cat (even if he missed), but then I gave him the chance to earn it back by being extra nice tot he cat for the rest of the day. I will say, I only had to do this twice and it seemed to make room for him to develop a more positive relationship with the cat.

I considered a similar approach regarding hitting his brother, but it didn't pass the gut test for me. His relationship with his brother, which is generally good, is much more complex and important than the one with the cat, KWIM? That said, your ds is older. Maybe he genuinely thinks it will help. Do you think so? Or was he just trying to please you or end the conversation?

HTH.

Lara

[harrietsmama]

Lara, you make a good point in pointing out that waiting to be done feeling angry doesn't take long - I hadn't thought of it that simply and you are so right on! Thanks!