what do you do about moms who always brag about their child?

[Beppie]

I believe that just about every parent thinks their own child is very smart, brilliant, etc. But I've always thought that it's stupid to brag to other parents about your kid, not to mention that it's just annoying to other parents and are going to put them off... who's going to want to hang out with you if you're always talking about how great your child is?

Unfortunately, my SIL fits the bragging category, and it drives me crazy. First of all, her child was born with special needs, but is progressing very nicely. But her bragging about this, that, and the other thing is SO ANNOYING! Maybe it's worse because we have kids that are the same age.

Do I just have to grin and bear it? What do you do about moms who brag? I want to stay nice to her and keep our relationship friendly. But frankly, it drives me up a tree! any ideas are most welcome!

[tarajean56]

Well, I can't imagine what you could possibly "do" about it that wouldn't be incredibly rude.

I personally would just decide to not be annoyed, and instead share in the joy of her child and all their accomplishments, no matter how mundane. I guess if you really care about someone, you rejoice when they rejoice.

Why does it bother you so much? Do you feel like she's trying to make you feel bad about your own child?

[Beppie]

I have no idea what goes on in her mind, of course. But over the years she has said some pretty rude things to me about various things with the message that her way of doing things is better than my way. So when she brags about her child, it seems like one more way of her trying to "one-up" me. I have no idea why. DH thinks that she feels very insecure, perhaps. I don't know.

There are many things my husband and I share between ourselves regarding our pride for our children... for example, isn't it great that dd can do this already, etc., or wow, she figured that out already, etc. I think all parents do that. But in my mind, what is the point in sharing that with others? To make others feel bad about their kids if they weren't doing that at that stage? I mean, really. Of course a mom should feel proud of her child. Every mom should. I take issue with the bragging component. I do feel that part of it is to make me feel bad.

[flapjack]

You wait for them to grow out of it. I had a friend whose DD is a few months older than mine, and bless her, she told me every detail of that girl's life, from the first banana to the first roll, the first step, the cute story about eating cat poop, the works.

I don't call it bragging, though. I call it being a baby bore: because they're not trying to show off (generally), they're sharing the details of their life with you. She'll get her non-mummy brain back soon enough, I promise, and be able to talk about the stuff that normally interests her again. In the meantime, there's always earplugs.

[gcgirl]

Why do you have to do anything? Just nod politely and smile along.

It's annoying, sure, but she's probably just A) proud and B) insecure. I can imagine with a special needs child she might just want someone else to agree with her that her child is doing well, to set her heart at ease.

[One_Girl]

I talk about my dd's accomplishments with our family members because I am proud of my dd and I assume that the other people in our loving family are also proud. I am happy to hear about what the other children in my family are doing and what my friends children are doing. I love to share being proud with them. I have never had a friend or family member who didn't spend the first several minutes of our time together updating me on their child. When your SIL shares, I think you should try to share in her joy and make a comment about how great her child's accomplishments are. I have heard that parents with special needs children feel especially isolated and it may be that she is reaching out to share with you because you are her family and she assumes she can reach out to you.

When I am in a no kid mood though I will get together with other people without my dd and I make it clear that I am tired of all things related to children.

[Drummer's Wife]

I think you do have to grin and bear it.

Honestly, it wouldn't bother me -- even if it seemed to be a competition of sorts.

[~LadyBug~]

Smile, nod and try to change the subject politely.

[philomom]

Originally Posted by ~LadyBug~

Smile, nod and try to change the subject politely.

Maybe she has trouble at home that you can't/don't know about. Maybe this is her way of putting a "good spin" on her families' life.

[mommy68]

It would depend on the mother whether or not it would bother me. For instance, I knew a mom once at a church I used to attend that acted as if her kids were perfect, could do no wrong, they lived in the perfect big house, perfect neighborhood, had the perfect life. That's how the mother projected herself on the outside at all times. She even went as far as to lie about her five yr old child's shoe size one time and said it was about three sizes bigger than it was and I knew because I babysat her a few times and saw her shoe size when I put her shoes on her. What was the point in lying? It drove me crazy.

But there are also the moms I've known that genuinely have smart kids and live a life similar to my own that I know are not bragging in a way that is rude. There's a difference there and I can usually tell based on the person doing the bragging.

[signingmamma]

I do it all the time heck But not in the rude way really, I just enjoy talking to my friends and family aobut DD and her accomplishments. My sister does the same and my BILS and SILS.

[dubfam]

Originally Posted by mommy68

It would depend on the mother whether or not it would bother me. For instance, I knew a mom once at a church I used to attend that acted as if her kids were perfect, could do no wrong, they lived in the perfect big house, perfect neighborhood, had the perfect life. That's how the mother projected herself on the outside at all times. She even went as far as to lie about her five yr old child's shoe size one time and said it was about three sizes bigger than it was and I knew because I babysat her a few times and saw her shoe size when I put her shoes on her. What was the point in lying? It drove me crazy.

But there are also the moms I've known that genuinely have smart kids and live a life similar to my own that I know are not bragging in a way that is rude. There's a difference there and I can usually tell based on the person doing the bragging.

I have a friend that has done this exact same thing (with the shoe size even!!). And it drives me CRAZY!! She never is interested to hear what my kids are doing, but she will make stuff up just to make it seem liker her children are superior. She will put them in clothes that are too big so she can say they are wearing 'X' size now...even though the clothes are falling off!!
It makes me feel like I can't have an honest conversation with her. Whenever she talks about her kids I wonder if she is lying or not.

OP, I feel your pain. I think people do this out of insecurity. The only way I can deal is to not feed into it...when my friend tells me her 4 year old is doing calculus I just say 'oooh, that is such a neat age, isn't it?'
It discourages the bragging/making sh*t up.

[pinkshamrocks]

You know, I really love to hear parents saying wonderful things about their children... could listen to it all day long, quite honestly. I hear far too many parents saying awful things.

I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about how much my dad praised even the most simple things I've done over the years. I hope my dds feel the same way someday. They're incredible and I want them to know it. If that makes someone think I'm "bragging"... so be it!

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by pinkshamrocks

You know, I really love to hear parents saying wonderful things about their children... could listen to it all day long, quite honestly. I hear far too many parents saying awful things.

Totally. I love hearing this.
I probably brag too much about dd2. She's the most incredible gift life could have ever given me after Aaron. I just wanted a living, preferably healthy child. I got a healthy, happy, easy, snuggly, wonderful little bundle of sheer love. I don't really mean to brag exactly...I'm just constantly overwhelmed by how wonderful she is. It doesn't mean I think she's better than anyone else's kids, though.

[EdnaMarie]

I don't know a lot of moms like that but I guess I also wouldn't notice because if people brag about their kids I just start to brag about mine and we get into a conversation about how our kids are the greatest kids in the whole world and how wonderful they are and how proud we are of them blah blah blah and it's just a love-fest, really.

And then I walk away and I know that we had a fun talk but that all kids are wonderful, and my kid spits in my shoes or whatever, and it's okay, because her kids do, too.

See if you can have fun with it.

[dubfam]

Originally Posted by pinkshamrocks

You know, I really love to hear parents saying wonderful things about their children... could listen to it all day long, quite honestly. I hear far too many parents saying awful things.

<snip>

Yes.
I think that we all enjoy that.

[SarahElizabeth]

I nod and smile and TRY to be happy for them. My mother has twins (Sisters of mine) who are a few months younger than DS, and we are BOTH guilty of saying things to upset the other without realising. For example, she was telling me how the twins have just started rolling over and I blurted without thinking "Wow, only just? DS was doing it before then!" and, coming from the other side, her saying "I'm so glad the twins have teeth now. It always kind of creeps me out when babies get past 6 months without them!" and I hung up on her, hahah! I think with us, it just comes from being so open and so used to speaking without really thinking about what we're saying.. So it's kind of a good thing, despite it hurting feelings occasionally.

That's a ramble. My point is, I try to be happy that these parents want to share things with me.

[Rivka5]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

I don't know a lot of moms like that but I guess I also wouldn't notice because if people brag about their kids I just start to brag about mine and we get into a conversation about how our kids are the greatest kids in the whole world and how wonderful they are and how proud we are of them blah blah blah and it's just a love-fest, really.

And then I walk away and I know that we had a fun talk but that all kids are wonderful, and my kid spits in my shoes or whatever, and it's okay, because her kids do, too.

Yeah, pretty much this. How sad if we have to watch what we say to other mothers - especially in our own families - so that they don't think we think our kids are all that great.

The OP's SIL has a child born with special needs who is developing really well. Is it wrong for the mom to feel joy and relief about that, and to assume that her family would share her joy? If so, that's really sad to me.

[lindberg99]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

I don't know a lot of moms like that but I guess I also wouldn't notice because if people brag about their kids I just start to brag about mine and we get into a conversation about how our kids are the greatest kids in the whole world and how wonderful they are and how proud we are of them blah blah blah and it's just a love-fest, really.

But see, that is what is missing in a real bragger. There is no conversation about how ALL the kids are so great. It is all about HER child. There is no love-fest.

My SIL is like this and it does get annoying. Of course I'm happy that my niece and nephews are doing well. But when I mentioned something about how my 3 yo was potty training, do I really have to hear how my nephew (who was in 7th grade at that point) was potty trained by 2.5 yo? When one of my babies started walking, was it really necessary to hear how my niece (who was either jr high or high school) started walking at 11 months, earlier than my children? There's no interplay of "Wow, that is so cool he's using the potty now!" and then filling me in on how my nephew is in the marching band or something.

And she's like this with other stuff. Like I mentioned we got new countertops and she had to go on about how she just loves her granite countertops (we couldn't afford granite).

The constant bragging and one-upsmanship gets tiring. And I think if anyone doesn't see that, it's because you haven't been around a true, totally inward focused bragger.

What do I do about it? Well, I don't see my SIL too often. We generally communicate by email. I've also given up saying much of anything about my kids because I can't stand hearing anymore how my niece (who is away at college now) did something better than my kids when she was in kindergarten.

[newbymom05]

I have a SIL like this, except her children are 18, 20, and 24. Luckily, most of the updates are via email--I swear, SIL sends out a all-family email if someone takes a crap! Because it's the greatest crap ever, natch. If I'm forced to hear it in person, I just smile and go to my happy place.

And I have to agree w/ a PP, for my SIL, it isn't about all kids, it's her kids. She's the only one in the family w/ older kids (she got started way early) and the only interest she has in other family member kids is to compare them to her own. "Oh, I had it so much harder, let me tell you about it! Oh, my girls did that too, but a year early! Oh, blah blah blah!"

I also agree w/ a pp that there's really nothing you can do w/o seeming rude. Like I said, I try to smile and zone out and say inane things like "Wow, that's great, isn't it?" Also, I've also learned that w/ this particular SIL that trying to add my own updates leads to frustration b/c she will relentlessly one-up me, even though her child is 14 yrs older! I'll update if she asks, b/c then she's fairly attentive, but IME to try to have a give-and-take conversation about our kids leads to me being frustrated so I don't even try.

Family, what can you do?