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what do you do about moms who always brag about their child? - Page 2

post #21 of 53
I agree with a pp who said that, in this case where the child has special needs, the mother may be expressing her extreme relief and joy that the child is progressing well-- at least I think that's how I might feel if I was her. I have a friend with a child who has Downs Syndrome, and I think that a lot of us (friends) are genuinely interested as to how the little girl is doing-- we just have no experience with Downs and we don't know what is "good" progress and we don't want to ask any questions about her development that might seem rude. So I'm always very glad that the mom is so open about coming out and telling us how she's doing- I don't feel like it's "bragging" in a negative, competitive way at all- she's our friend and we all care about this little girl and are delighted to learn about her achievements and excited for the whole family when she exceeds their expectations.
post #22 of 53
I just smile and say "that's great!"
post #23 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by lindberg99 View Post
The constant bragging and one-upsmanship gets tiring. And I think if anyone doesn't see that, it's because you haven't been around a true, totally inward focused bragger.
I've been around several. I have two in my immediate family. And, honestly...the more I'm exposed to them, the less they bother me. If someone's kid is in junior high, and they still feel a need to brag about when he was potty-trained, I think they're probably not very happy, and I'm inclined to feel sorry for them. I live in the now with my kids as much as I can, and I enjoy that. I enjoy all the things they're doing now. I honestly couldn't tell you when dd1 potty-trained (she's 6), let alone when ds1 did. I know he was at least three, just because we moved right around his third birthday, and I remember putting diapers on him in the new place. That's about it. If one of his friends had a parent who was still going on about how young he/she potty trained, I'd really feel bad for her, because I'd think she was missing all the fun.

I do get what you mean. That stuff used to grate on my nerves. It just doesn't bother me, anymore. I actually came close to having a giggle fit the last time I was on the listening end of it, because it's just so ridiculous.
post #24 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by pinkshamrocks View Post
You know, I really love to hear parents saying wonderful things about their children... could listen to it all day long, quite honestly. I hear far too many parents saying awful things.

I get all warm and fuzzy inside when I think about how much my dad praised even the most simple things I've done over the years. I hope my dds feel the same way someday. They're incredible and I want them to know it. If that makes someone think I'm "bragging"... so be it!
Aww, I love this!! And OP, as the Mom of a special needs child, let me tell you that it really is exciting when they hit milestones and are doing well. Just smile and let her brag. I always thought family was the safe place to do that! I mean, I wont go tell other Mom's in ds's class how all of his teachers are blown away by his intelligence - but you can sure bet I'll tell my Mom, Dad, sisters, etc. And thank goodness for me, they love to hear me brag.

I'd let this one go, big time.
post #25 of 53
I have an aunt like this. Her daughter's child is a month younger than my daughter, and she's CONSTANTLY comparing the two of them. And it gets OLD fast. I usually just gently tease with something along the lines of "Walking at 11 months...really? I'll make sure I jot that down in the baby book I'm keeping for her child!"
post #26 of 53
Uggg. Bragging is such a difficult thing to live with. I do think that the "nod and smile" is the best means of dealing with it- and offering support and praise over the high needs kiddo, but you might try to use the bean dip method too- after a while of bragging. "Wow, I'm so happy the kids are doing so well. Would you like some tea?" and keep offering something to change the atmosphere in the room. I've had to let a person in my life just ramble on and on and then finally say "I'm so happy things are going well! Enough about all the kids- did you see that there is a concert in the park this week? Are you going?" and just change it yourself.

I have a SIL and Brother that I don't talk to. Anyway- When I moved into the area SIL was over and I said "Just so we are clear I am not into comparing kids. I don't like that, and I won't do that. All kids are different and special. So, please no comparing." She said of course not. Because "All kids are great, but mine are the greatest ever." or "I'm not comparing, because there is no comparing to DD" and they were serious! Yeah, that really set the tone for our relationship. After I wrote them out of my life permanetly (long story) I found out from dear friends that SIL and BRO are still bragging to anyone. They told life long friends that "DD is the smartest kid I've ever known. Smartest in her class, smartest in the grade.She's so super smart.Her teacher thinks she is the smartest PRESCHOOLER she's ever had" And dear friends were really hurt by this, they had kids the same age as well. Dear Friend ended up just leaving the room. It breaks my heart, because they hurt other people, but also because they have 2 kids, and their DD1 can do no wrong, and DD2 is a pain in the a**

I know that there is a time and place for bragging. I hope that OP makes special time to ASK about the kids and their lives. Then try to move on with the conversation. If you can't think "I'm a DUCK, I'm a DUCK. All of this rolls right off my back. I'm a DUCK." lol- it's what saved my sanity with MY SIL and BRO.
post #27 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by dubfam View Post
She will put them in clothes that are too big so she can say they are wearing 'X' size now...even though the clothes are falling off!!
.
Good grief why do moms do this with stuff like clothing size and diapers????
Seriously, I know mothers with babies my sons age that are almost his same weight/height yet they are putting them in size 2T?! (my DS is almost 1). It's almost like they are pushing them out of sizes when they clearly do not need to go up. Me, I want my baby to STAY a baby for as long as possible

OP--I hear you. As a first time mom, I KNOW the possibility of being a complete bore to some. That is why I wait until being asked to speak of my son and while I do speak proudly, I try to tone down the whole "mommy competition" thing.
post #28 of 53
I would just rejoice with her at her child's accomplishments and let the competitiveness slide off my back.

She may be insecure, unhappy, deeply worried about her child. And while it seems obnoxious to you, you have the choice to not let it bug you. And if you can't sincerely be happy with her (and I understand that it can get really old!) you can just smile and nod.
post #29 of 53
Quote:
Good grief why do moms do this with stuff like clothing size and diapers????
Seriously, I know mothers with babies my sons age that are almost his same weight/height yet they are putting them in size 2T?! (my DS is almost 1). It's almost like they are pushing them out of sizes when they clearly do not need to go up. Me, I want my baby to STAY a baby for as long as possible
I do this - not because I'm trying to push them into sizes that they don't need to go up to, but because they are able to get a lot more wear out of the clothes.
post #30 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Latte Mama View Post
Good grief why do moms do this with stuff like clothing size and diapers????
Seriously, I know mothers with babies my sons age that are almost his same weight/height yet they are putting them in size 2T?! (my DS is almost 1). It's almost like they are pushing them out of sizes when they clearly do not need to go up. Me, I want my baby to STAY a baby for as long as possible
I'm using sposies right now, so I'm keeping dd2 in the smallest size I can. The size 1s give me 84 diapers, and I get 74 of the next size for the same price. No brainer, imo.

I did have someone once insist that her son couldn't borrow one of my cloth diapers, because there was "no way" it could fit him. She tried it on over his sposie and did it up, then took it off, saying, "see - it's just not big enough". She has a huge emotional investment in having big kids (they are big, too), but she also has a "thing" about cloth diapers. So, her boy had to go home in a dirty diaper, because she "couldn't" change him. I don't get that at all. I don't get any of it. I suspect dd1 will be the smallest of the kids in this generation of my family. Who the heck cares?
post #31 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by moaningminny View Post
I do this - not because I'm trying to push them into sizes that they don't need to go up to, but because they are able to get a lot more wear out of the clothes.
me too
post #32 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by moaningminny View Post
I do this - not because I'm trying to push them into sizes that they don't need to go up to, but because they are able to get a lot more wear out of the clothes.
THAT I can understand. I doubt you brag about what size clothes your lo wears, right?

Because my friend puts her kid in clothes that are several sizes too big, and then goes on and on about how he wears the same size clothes as my son, who is older by nearly 2 years, she'll say they are the same body size. There is seriously an implication that my son is small and it is said negatively. My son is big for his age so is hers, but her son is smaller than mine and it is obvious. The whole thing is just weird. It is stupid and it irritates me. But I am not gonna argue with her either. I just smile and nod.
I mean, even if my son WAS the same size as her kid (or smaller) why would it even matter???
post #33 of 53
Um, I don't know why, the hard feelings. Yep, it's annoying when parents do it, I personally like listen to the accomplishments of other kiddos, without exaggeration of course. But seriously, let them do it. Whatever, I don't really care I just let it rest.

I "rag" aout my DD achievments, I say what an amazing little person she is, how proud she makes DH and I feel, how mature she is for her age. And all the little things she does that make us proud.
And I agree with the mamma that said that if they think I'm bragging, so be it LOL!

My mom is always bragging to people about her grandchildren, about my nieces and my DD. Jeez, she brags about little Santiago and he's not even born yet, you know. He's a kicker and all
post #34 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by signingmamma View Post
Um, I don't know why, the hard feelings. Yep, it's annoying when parents do it, I personally like listen to the accomplishments of other kiddos, without exaggeration of course. But seriously, let them do it. Whatever, I don't really care I just let it rest.

I "rag" aout my DD achievments, I say what an amazing little person she is, how proud she makes DH and I feel, how mature she is for her age. And all the little things she does that make us proud.
And I agree with the mamma that said that if they think I'm bragging, so be it LOL!

My mom is always bragging to people about her grandchildren, about my nieces and my DD. Jeez, she brags about little Santiago and he's not even born yet, you know. He's a kicker and all
BUT it is very draining when someone close to you does this CONSTANTLY. It is practically a toxic behavior. It is very difficult to ignore it because it is aggressive bragging. In other words, my child has to be less so hers can be more. So she has to put my son down in order to make her son seem better.

That is different from just being excited about your kids and doing the normal 'bragging'. I really feel like people are talking about 2 different things on this thread.
post #35 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by moaningminny View Post
I do this - not because I'm trying to push them into sizes that they don't need to go up to, but because they are able to get a lot more wear out of the clothes.
I did that, too.

BUt then, in all fairness, I didn't go around telling people what size clothes my kid wears. At most, if it came up, I'd tell the truth- it depends on the brand!

Maybe we are talking about different things. However, I also think it depends on perception. Not to say your perception isn't valid, but I know my mom (who I think is very insecure, though wonderful) often thinks people are bragging when I interpret what they are saying as totally normal conversation. She takes it as one-upmanship and I might think, they are just batting the ball back so to speak. And also, I have to say, my mom is the WORST bragger. The. Worst. She kind of over-emphasizes in her own head what our kids do and then just blabs about it to perfect strangers.

And then comes home and complains that so-and-so thinks her grandchildren are the cutest ever when really they're not. :
post #36 of 53
Have you tried actively listening to your SIL when she talks about her child? I say this without an ounce of snarkiness, as this is a path I am taking myself down. In the past, I haven't truly practiced meeting a person where s/he is, and I have many regrets where this is concerned. Sure, it can become boring to listen to someone brag, but since this is your SIL, and your niece/nephew, there is potentially much to be gained by being there to validate her feelings and truly hear her.

I'm finding that my general happiness is increasing as I recognize the fact that not everyone in my life can practice reciprocal validation. There are people in my life who share the joys of the character and beauty and accomplishments of my children, people who share the joy of my artistic endeavors, people who share the joy of my overall achievements, and so forth, and they don't need to be the same person. I don't need the mail man to believe that my children are wonderful, but he may need someone, anyone, to take a moment and acknowledge that his are. As long as you have someone else in your life who will listen to you when you want to share your joys, then you can wholeheartedly be that person for someone else.

Sometimes, once a person truly feels that his/her joy has been shared, they don't need to talk it to death. If it begins to feel like she's going on and on with no end in sight, then it may be time to pass the bean dip, as someone else suggested. In that case, she may need help expanding her topics of conversation.

GL!
post #37 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by theatermom View Post
Have you tried actively listening to your SIL when she talks about her child? I say this without an ounce of snarkiness, as this is a path I am taking myself down. In the past, I haven't truly practiced meeting a person where s/he is, and I have many regrets where this is concerned. Sure, it can become boring to listen to someone brag, but since this is your SIL, and your niece/nephew, there is potentially much to be gained by being there to validate her feelings and truly hear her.

I'm finding that my general happiness is increasing as I recognize the fact that not everyone in my life can practice reciprocal validation. There are people in my life who share the joys of the character and beauty and accomplishments of my children, people who share the joy of my artistic endeavors, people who share the joy of my overall achievements, and so forth, and they don't need to be the same person. I don't need the mail man to believe that my children are wonderful, but he may need someone, anyone, to take a moment and acknowledge that his are. As long as you have someone else in your life who will listen to you when you want to share your joys, then you can wholeheartedly be that person for someone else.

Sometimes, once a person truly feels that his/her joy has been shared, they don't need to talk it to death. If it begins to feel like she's going on and on with no end in sight, then it may be time to pass the bean dip, as someone else suggested. In that case, she may need help expanding her topics of conversation.

GL!
YES! Exactly what I was trying to say. Sincerely being happy for someone who is "bragging" and genuinely sharing their joy is a much pleasanter way to deal with braggers, and I've found it helps them, too.
post #38 of 53
my cousin-in-law has been guilty of obnoxious bragging- though we only see her every year or so, which makes it easier to smile, nod and slowly escape

"OMG! E already has her own cell! and she's only eight! and she's sooooo responsible!"

it's almost a family joke at this point

with friends who do this... I try to keep the peace, though I do call them less often than I call my other mamas.

In your situation, I would just suck it up and try to stay positive. Caring for a special needs child is truely difficult, heart-breaking and emotional experience that deserves a world of compassion.
If sharing these things with you makes your sister-in-law's life a little easier then let her, and appreciate the value of the gift that you are giving to her.

post #39 of 53
I would try to understand how it feels to be the mother of a child with special needs, and really work hard to share her joy, pride, relief, or whatever other emotion she must feel about each accomplishment of her child.

If your child has not faced the same challenges as her's, you have not walked her walk, and you most likely cannot understand the emotional challenges that she has faced.

Try to have empathy for her, and share her joy and relief, rather than dismiss it as 'her kid is now doing well, so the special needs are therefore no longer a factor in her life.' I can assure you that this is not how it is to a mother of a child with special needs.

Maybe if you try to really enjoy her pride and her joy, it will feel less irritating to you to listen to her.

HTH
post #40 of 53
I could see myself being seen as a braggart about my son. Not that I do go around bragging about him on purpose, but it is seriously THE only thing going on in my life that I can talk about that is positive -- and usually the only thing at all. My job is boring and monotonous, I don't have any close friends, no family close, I don't go out and do anything, so if I am not at work, I am with my son -- anything that I could talk about would include him. In social situations, I find it hard to come up with anything else to talk about, so if someone else mentions something that their child does, I will either agree that my child has done the same thing or something similar or the opposite, or I will use it as a jumping point for something wild and crazy or cute that he did the other day just to perpetuate the conversation. Not bragging just sharing...
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