Shabbat for a beginner?

[Stacey B]

I know there are a dozen posts on this but I can't find them.

We are at the point in our life where Shabbat evening finally fits (it isn't an exaggeration to say this is the first time in seven years that we both will be home from work on Friday nights. We want to start having a real Shabbat dinner weekly, but since I'm the only practicing Jew in my family and my husband grew up Lutheran we have no idea where to begin.

I do have my grandmother's candle sticks

[LookMommy!]

Start off easy. You can always add more, and you will get a new chance every 7 days.

Friday morning or aft - bake or buy challah. If you have a bread machine, it is very easy to just make dough, and let the little ones help braid it, paint it with egg wash, and top with sesame seeds or poppy seeds. There is a blessing you can make on the challah if it is homemade. Or buy challah, and an extra for the freezer for when you forget next time.

Put a white tablecloth on the table, and cover the challahs with a pretty cloth napkin.

Make your favorite easy dinner. Or make your family's traditional chicken soup and kugel. Or get take out. Whatever makes you happy.

Put on a pretty dress if you want, and some nice jewelery. Get dressed up just for each other, not for the world outside. Eat off the nice dishes, don't save them for company.

Right before it gets dark, light two candles. You can look up the blessings - say them in whatever way you find meaningful.

Bless your children - the traditional way, or your own personal way.

Drink some wine - say the blessing first if you know it. It doesn't have to be the sweet red stuff.

Blessings for challah, and enjoy the meal.

Now enjoy your evening! Sing, play games, read stories - be cozy together.

Turn off the TV, computer, cell phone, and everything else that disturbs your tranquility. It all can wait 24 hours.

No laundry, vacuuming, shopping, paperwork, or other chores. It can all wait.

Feel the rhythms of the week, and celebrate your abundance.

Shabbat Shalom!

Lisa

[AngelBee]

:

[LookMommy!]

Also, where do you live? I don't know how it is at every shul (synagogue), but at ours, each week a long-time member makes an announcement that any visitors who would like to join a family for a Shabbat meal should feel free to appraoch him and he will make the arrangements (for that day, or for the future). hachansat orchim - the mitzvah of inviting guests is taken seriously by most Jewish communities (like you are doing them a favor, and not the reverse), and most will make you feel very welcome if you'd like to spend Shabbat with them. It is the best way to learn what Shabbat entails, and to think about the customs which you will choose to adopt, or not to adopt, for your own family.

By the way, Rosh Hashana services (the holiday starts in a few weeks) are not the best time for sizing up a community. The service is very long, formal, and packed with "twice a year" Jews. Most synagogues charge for seats on these days to cover expenses.

Shabbat services are always free, usually warm and friendly, and often include a nice "oneg" (cake and snacks afterwards). I'm assuming you're probably looking for a liberal stream of Judaism - try checking out havurot (small, communal services), Reconstructionist, or Renewal Congrations. If you have a college nearby, they should have a Hillel organization to contact as well.

Only 6 more days until shabbos...

Lisa

[smeisnotapirate]

Also try reform congregations. On Friday nights, most reform congregations light candles, say the blessings over the bread and wine, and bless the children in shul. You can watch it for a few times and then try it at home.

Reform congregations are also 100% welcoming of interfaith families. My DH is Presbyterian, so if you have any questions, PM me.

[Stacey B]

Thanks for the ideas.

LookMommy, your list is wonderful thank you so much! Its funny you mention the High Holidays, we always seem to be moving right before them. Personally I have found that I prefer Saturday service rather than Friday night's.

I am very excited to start this new adventure as a family!

[Stacey B]

Sara,

Thanks for the advice about Friday night at the temple. We haven't approached the temple around here yet, we love our last one but with three moves in three years we haven't had time to settle into anything yet.

In Denver we were members of a reform temple that we loved and are a little afraid that it won't be quite as amazing. We're waiting for after the high holidays to start because I think they are a bad representative about what services will be like.

[smeisnotapirate]

Originally Posted by Stacey B

In Denver we were members of a reform temple that we loved and are a little afraid that it won't be quite as amazing. We're waiting for after the high holidays to start because I think they are a bad representative about what services will be like.

I totally agree! I hope you find a congregation just as amazing in your new place.

[Magelet]

For me, when I first started shabbat, it was very daunting, all the sorts of things. So I just started with lighting the candles. I didn't know the blessing, so I said my own blessing in english in a similar format to many other hebrew blessings, and lit the candles.

So if it feels like too much, you could start with just a nice family meal on good china if you have any, and lighting the candles. And go from there. Shabbat is a 25 hour thing, and starting with friday night seems easier for most people.

Its our tradition for me and my future dp to bless eachother with personal blessings, (instead of him singing "a woman of valor" to me, a tradition for the husband to sing to his wife), which you could do along with blessing the children if you like.

start really simple, so that it doesn't feel too difficult, and then you can go from there. Its better to really enjoy one little element at a time, rather than being overwhelmed. And as you start shabbat observance, its very interesting to have shabbat with a few other families and groups, because you learn a LOT about what feels like the ideal shabbat for you. like, "we did like the way they said birkat hamazon (the grace after meals) at the cohens, but we didn't like the overall atmosphere as much as at the goldsteins, what was it that made that atmosphere so great? how can we make our shabbats like that?" But its also great to make sure you have some shabbats regularly just a family (or guests over, but yourself to establish your own traditions).

hope thats not overwhelming, and is helpful. I hope you find a great congregation! May you have many many many joyous shabbats.

[zech13_9_goforgold]

I hope this question doesn't diviate from the topic too much, but reading your responses has caused me to think up one.

On Shabbat, the husband blesses both the wife and the children? What do those look like? Does the wife bless the husband? Does the wife bless the children or does just the husband do it?

Thanks.

[Magelet]

I imagine it depends on the family. I know in some families the husband or the husband and children sing eshet chayil (woman of valor) to the wife/mother, in appreciation of all she does for them (and as many other reasons as there are folks who do this.)

I think its fairly common for both parents to bless the children, though I'm sure there are families where only one parent blesses them.

For us, my DP and I bless eachother. He doesn't know eshet chayil, and I'm not sure its what I would want to have sung to me anyways, I'm somewhat conflicted about that passage. So what we do is place our hands on top of the other's head, and say a short blessing inspired by the moment. Often, its "In the coming week may you be blessed with..." say, self-confidence, joy, and sucess. Or anything that we're inspired to say in the moment. Its one of our favorite parts of shabbat. It sounds so... I don't know what, but it feels really powerful to be blessed by a loved one. A tradition I look forward to sharing it with my kids.

[zinemama]

LookMommy's list was terrific.

I agree that the key is to start simple. Maybe you just concentrate on learning the blessings. Or maybe you say them in English to start. Or maybe for the first week or so you just bake or buy the challah. Step by step.

[smeisnotapirate]

Both of us bless our DS each Shabbat.

Yes, and don't delay! I went through 6 mo of "I'll do it RIGHT next Shabbat" and just...... sat there doing nothing. Just try SOMETHING. Doesn't matter if it's right or if it's accurate, just do it. You'll be better as you learn more.

[npl]

We sometimes both bless our kids with the traditional blessing. DH always does it, and sometimes I do it too. Our kids sometimes give us a blessing, too, though without the hands on the head - just telling us in their own words what they wish for us.
We sometimes do, and sometimes don't sing Eishet Chayil. As the kids are getting older and more aware of what is customary, they like to. For a long time I felt uncomfortable with it, because I feel like I can't live up to the ideal, but now I'm viewing it more as an aspiration than a rebuke. Whenever we have unmarried men for the meal, however, dh likes to sing it as a prayer that they should find their own "Eishet Chayil".
And, as for menu, I'm very much in favour of making whatever the family will enjoy. Although the multi-course meal is traditional, we enjoy our shabbat meal much more when it is simple and one course (plus dessert - that's a crucial part of shabbat for my kids!). Especially in the summer, when we are eating so late! I'd say, incorporate ideas that will enhance your enjoyment of the evening, and whichever ceremonial practices you can, add slowly and build as you are comfortable.

[smeisnotapirate]

I agree with npl about the meal. My DH makes homemade from scratch pizza to die for, and last winter, that was our Shabbos meal most of the time. We both looked forward to it all week, and there was lots of love put into it, and that's the point, I think.

[Stacey B]

So I thought I would share how our first Shabbat went. It was beautiful! My husband surprised me by cooking the whole meal, except the bread and decorating the dinning room with pieces of Autumn. We had his sister over and lit the candles and said some of the prayers. Unfortunately my ds slept through the whole meal on the couch so he did not get to be part of it but I am really happy that we did it are are looking forward to next Friday evening.

I know it is Saturday right now and this isn't really an appropraite activity but we're taking things on slowly.

[Magelet]

I'm so delighted Stacey. I'm glad you enjoyed it. (Hey, take it one step at a time. Don't feel bad about using the computer on shabbat. Everyone starts somewhere, and you may or may not continue to use the computer on shabbat, depending. But don't feel bad about using the comp on saturday morning. Just enjoy your lovely friday evenings to start, and see if you feel like you want to expand your shabbat practices. As I recall, I think I also posted on MDC about my first shabbat evening)