What should I say to this parent?

[oceanbaby]

So, my 8yo son is in a very lovely homeschool co-op with 5 other families. He is friends with one of the other little boys ("M"). I know both the parents fairly well, and have been to their home. Ds1 went over there on Friday for a playdate. All was fine.

However, today in the car he tells me that his friend, M, showed him a gun that was in his parents' closet. He tells me that it wasn't loaded, but that M showed him where the bullets were. I start to freak out inside while reminding him about the talk we had about leaving the room if anyone shows him a gun and getting an adult. Then he tells me that M said that it's the kind of gun that hurts, not kills, and that his dad uses it to chase the raccoons away from their chickens. So now I'm assuming this is a BB gun we're talking about.

However, I feel like I need to check in with M's mom about this. First, I want to find out what kind of gun they were talking about. But I'm also not comfortable with the kids messing around with a BB gun. I guess a lot of parents don't consider locking a BB gun up and away from children the same way they would a regular gun, so I'm not really sure what it is I would say to her.

Any thoughts? If it is a BB gun, am I overreacting?

[Belia]

I would freak out, too, mama.

I don't care if its a BB gun, or a paintball gun, or a shotgun..... I would not want my kid anywhere it.

I would say something to the parent, for sure. "DS said that the last time he was over at your house, M showed him a gun in your closet." Then see what she says. If she minimizes it, I would just say "We don't have guns in our house, and we aren't comfortable having DS play at a home that has guns."

Don't explain any further... don't apologize.... it is what it is. This would be a non-negotiable for me.

[WC_hapamama]

Don't let the "it's just a bb/pellet gun" thing give you a false sense of security.

My brother had an air pump BB/pellet gun, and one day one of his friends was screwing around with it and shot a BB clear through her foot. Luckily for her and my parents, it was just a flesh wound, but it could have been a lot worse.

[stik]

I would guess that the parents take the issue of having a gun in their home at least a little seriously, since it sounds like they store the gun and the ammunition separately. I would guess that they may not be aware that their son knows where the gun is and can get to it easily. I know as my kids grow, they continually surprise me with what they can get to and get in to.

I would give the other mom a call. Honestly, I don't know what I would say. But I'd probably start with letting her know that M had showed your ds a gun and then see where the conversation went.

[Tigerchild]

Before you talk to her, I'd decide what your bottom line is.

A) Is any gun of any kind, including BB, basically an absolute no-go for you, so you will be informing her, after your fact finding, that DS can't come over anymore, even though you still like them and would feel find about friend coming over to your house?

B) In order to feel safe, do you need the BB gun to be secured better? In that case, then I would want to see how it was secured at the next drop off.

C) Is it not so much the presence, as you are concerned about supervision--if your DSes are sneaking into the parental bedroom, then obviously someone isn't keeping an ear out. There are other things than bb guns that can be found there, and while you might be fine with them, perhaps other folks that come over won't be. Unless the parents don't have a rule that kids stay out of their room without permission, of course. In that case, C is kind of a moot point, except for someone not regularly checking in.

D) is it b and c (you need the gun to be more secure and perhaps there be more supervision and/or more frequent checking for awhile?).

Once you decide what the bottom line is, I think it makes it easier to have the conversation. In any case, friend's parents should know ASAP what their son has been doing. If they've instructed him on proper firearm safety, then he's obviously breaking some rules there--and that could be deadly elsewhere, where it might have been a real gun. If they thought that they didn't need to, then obviously they need to perhaps reconsider.

[caro113]

You definitely need to talk to the parents about it. I think Belia had a good conversation starter.

I'm curious, though, how you teach your child about gun safety in the first place? DP used to have a gun and is considering getting another, mainly for work. I'd hate to have one of my daughter's friends not be able to play at our house bc of it. Although DP has said that he won't get the gun until he has one of those heavy duty steal holders that has multiple locks on it. (we actually found on that opens with a key AND finger print! makes me feel safer, that's for sure.)

I do feel it's okay for a child to know what a gun is if the parents have one. They need to know what it is and that it is very dangerous and not a toy. But to also know where the bullets are? And to show it to a friend?! That's unacceptable. Hopefully the parents feel the same way.

We do have an air soft gun that we bought mainly for fun. We weren't even attempting ttc our daughter and it was on sale. We also were living in Wisconsin. DP, too, shot himself in the foot with it. Left a nasty scar, and hurt like hell. We'll store it on the shelf, assuming we ever get it out of the box in my parents' basement, and the bullets will be stored separately, assuming we ever buy some, and the safety is ALWAYS on. Plus DP taught me the number one rule about gun safety: Treat every gun as if it's loaded, even if you know it's not.

[Super~Single~Mama]

I would tell his parents that while you would like for your son and M to remain friends, your son isn't allowed at peoples houses where there are guns. You should make clear that it doesn't matter if they are loaded or not, if they aren't locked up you aren't comfortable with it. Also tell her that M is welcome to come to your house for playdates, and that you'd like to remain friends with her, its nothing personal.

[becoming]

I would tell them about it for sure. They may not even know that their son knows where it is. Their son may be thinking a real gun is a BB gun. You never know. I wouldn't mention the fact that you think/know it's a BB gun. I'd just call and let them know that their child showed your child a gun at their house and that you thought they'd like to know. I also probably wouldn't let my child go over there again, not because they have guns (we have guns, and not just BB guns), but because obviously they were not being watched at all. The fact that they had access to a gun that was presumably in a parent's closet or some other place parents would ordinarily not want their children's friends going into, makes me think that they were being ignored completely, and I wouldn't be comfortable with that. Obviously 8-year-olds don't need to be constantly supervised, but if they were alone and out of earshot for long enough to get the gun, find the bullets, discuss the gun, and then get away from the gun before the parents found them, they were being ignored for too long.

[Swan3]

WHOA. I would definitely tell the parents and not let my LO in that house. A PP made a good point that the parents may not be aware of what the child knows and may go to greater lengths to store their guns/ammo safely if they know.

[moondiapers]

We have guns in our house, obviously.....but they are locked up at all times.....above the closet, trigger lock for one, the other is completely disassembled in a locked case......plus fireproof safe for the ammo. I would be really angry at anyone that had my child in their home and didn't properly secure their weapons, that's unacceptable.

[oceanbaby]

I don't want to say straight up that my kids will never visit anyone who has guns. But, I certainly want to know that if they do have guns, that they are stored properly. I'm just not really sure how to go about that. We live in an area where guns are not necessarily common, so it's a bit of a strange topic to bring up.

I am going to talk with the mom, although I am dreading it. I really don't want to create an uncomfortable situation.

ETA: About the supervision part - I am not as upset about that because I can definttely see how two 8yos would be unwatched for 5 or 10 minutes. They live in a really small house, so the mom couldn't have been too far away. But I'm a bit of a nervous nellie about my kids being over at other houses without me in general, so something like this just kind of sends me over the edge.

[moondiapers]

I wanted to add, that when we have extra kids over....we lock our bedroom too because that's our private space....and we've has some strangely nosey kids visit us in the past.

[StoriesInTheSoil]

I am very uncomfortable with the idea of guns. My conditions for being in a home that has a gun in it are:

-the owner is someone that I consider responsible with what I consider to be a valid reason to own a gun
-the gun is kept unloaded in a locked gun safe and my child is never in the room with the safe
-my child is always in my sight while we are in the house

I think that since you're uncomfortable you should call the mama and ask her about the gun. Tell her that the situation makes you uncomfortable. If the situation isn't resolved to your liking, don't allow your child to go to her house again. A mistake with a gun is irreversable.

[kblackstone444]

Originally Posted by tinyactsofcharity

A mistake with a gun is irreversable.

Even if you decide to never let your son over at that house again, please talk to the other child's parents. What if it happens again, and the little boy shows another friend how to load it and somebody accidently gets shot? What if another child, knowing where it's kept, goes and finds it, and somebody gets shot? Even if it's a BB gun, it can do serious damage. Please say something. You could be saving another child as well as your own.

[~ Wonderful Life ~]

I don't think you are overeracting. I would call the parents immediately - even if your child doesn't go over there again.

[mamazee]

I would definitely tell them, and I'm betting they'd want to know. I can't imagine they want their child to be showing a gun to people. Ack! Scary!

[RubyBaby]

Oh my! I would definitely let the parents know, like a pp said they might not be aware that their boy can get it down and play with it. BB and Pellet guns can easily kill as well under certain circumstances. We have lots of guns, and the BB and Pellet guns are secured the same exact way as my shotguns. I consider them just as dangerous.

[JennTheMomma]

I don't think you're overreacting. Guns can be scary, and not properly secured and in the wrong hands can be very dangerous. I am not comfortable with guns of any sort, never had them growing up. I think you need to talk to the parents and tell them how you feel. If the kids are going to be playing togather, they should respect your views on something your kid is around at their house.

[TinkerBelle]

Most people would want to know that their child was showing another child a gun, no matter what kind of gun it may be, I am willing to bet.

Please call the parents. Now.

[Quinalla]

No you aren't overreacting. I would definitely talk to the parents as they likely are not aware that their son knows where the ammo or gun are and they need to secure it better for their own family's safety if nothing else. BB/pellet guns are still dangerous and should be secured in the same way as any other firearm.