Take baby to the wedding...leave him home...or skip it altogether!

[LittleLime]

We've got a wedding to attend this weekend...adult only...nighttime. We have played around with various childcare scenarios...

As of today we had decided to leave our 2 older kids (5 and 3) with my parents at our house...we have left them plenty of times, this isn't the issues. Just part of the whole picture.

We had planned to bring our 6 month old with us...we would have a hotel room so if the evening didn't go well I would just take him to the room.

But I am now having second thoughts about planning to bring him. In my experience babies and weddings don't mix....weddings are loud and it's nighttime and there's nursing and fussing and walking the baby and trying to eat dinner and dance. for me it would totally suck. I think my preference would be to just skip it!

Or I need to consider leaving him with my parents too. I have left him at night before but with my dh and only for a few hours. So for this I'd be leaving him from about 3pm til 12am.

I am not opposed to leaving an infant... Thing is I just don't really feel like going. It just doesn't seem worth the hassle of pumping (in preparation and while I'm there)...or the hassle of worrying about my parents taking care of all 3.

Anyway...I just don't know what to do. Family will be disappointed if I don't go but it wouldn't be the end of the world. I know ds won't shrivel up and die if I'm gone for the evening but I am his mama and I love him and just don't really want to leave him.

It's just not that important to ME to go. My dh doesn't want to go alone of course and I do feel bad about that but I also know he'll still have fun. And if I bring the baby and end up having to retreat to the hotel room with a miserable baby he'd be alone anyway. And bringing the baby with me is just ugh ugh. Not fun.


So...take him, leave him or skip it!!!

[Nicole730]

Considering the wedding is this weekend, I wouldn't skip it. You already said you're going and it really sucks when people say yes and don't show up. If it was me, I'd take the baby (as long as the bride and groom were okay with it...). At 6 months, I wouldn't leave my baby for that long. I probably would skip the ceremony. Take the baby for social hour/dinner and leave shortly after that if the baby wasn't enjoying the atmosphere.

[LittleLime]

Ah yes...are the bride and groom ok with it? I never really asked. I doubt they would say no but they might not like the idea. The invite said "adult reception." But there are lots of little kids in the family. So to me a baby in arms is different.

We did accept the invite but if I don't go my dh would still go. It's pretty close family so i don't think they'd be too mad if i skipped...ugh..i really don't even want to go. i like the idea of just going for cocktails and then leaving but i don't think that's what dh wants...it's his family.

[Kirsten]

I assume the bride and groom have ok'd baby coming along? And you have rsvp'd that you and dp are both going? If so, then I think you, dp and baby should go. Six month old babies (assuming no colic) can be really fine at weddings. We took our dd1 to three weddings when she was tiny. Wore her in a baby carrier, nursed - it was easy.

I think you sit near the back on the aisle or side where you can make a quick escape if baby is making noises (ANY noises - what may seem like minor cooing to you is not acceptable IMO). My kids (at baby ages) usually slept through weddings - and I disagree that weddings are noisy. Receptions can be a bit noisy, but weddings are usually fairly formal/settled.

You have childcare for your older kids. You have rsvp'd yes. I think you go unless you have a better reason than 'I think I've reconsidered'. It is their very special day. Assume the best and go!

[frontstreetmama]

how far from your home is the wedding? could you take the baby to the ceremony (which I am assuming is at 3?) then it's usually pictures and whatnot (a perfect opportunity to slip away for some quality snuggles!) and then take baby home and be back for dinner (6ish?) enjoy a nice date night with hubby but leave early with the car and if DH wants to stay later for the dancing/reception, he can stay at the hotel you've booked or cab it?

[KweenKrunch]

The rule I follow is one hour away from baby per 6 months of life - so at 6 months old, I would probably skip the wedding all together if I didn't feel like it would be reasonable to bring him/her. I'd send my husband and a nice gift.

[trinity6232000]

I'll take the odd ball position in this thread.

Two of my best friends ever got married when my dd was 4 months old. I didn't want to miss it. I felt some guilt, but as a single mom who had been with her dd 24/7 for months, I needed some Mama time.
I left her with her Godparents who had been begging to watch dd. I had a great day out, which totally fueled me up and my dd had a great bonding day with her Godparents.
You might not be so jazzed up for the wedding, but wouldn't it be nice to go out for a night with your dh?

I don't know, I figure you already RSVP'ed for the event, your parents are willing to watch your kids, and it's one night. Taking a baby to a wedding isn't fun. Go have some fun with dh.

[grumpybear]

I tend to take things literally so if it says adult reception, then I don't take my kids.
With DS, there was no way we could leave him with anyone at 6mos so that leaves no other option for me but to skip it.

[eepster]

Originally Posted by LittleLime

Ah yes...are the bride and groom ok with it? I never really asked. I doubt they would say no but they might not like the idea. The invite said "adult reception." But there are lots of little kids in the family. So to me a baby in arms is different.

I think you need to ask them if they mind the baby coming. I would not just assume it is OK.

If they don't mind having the baby, then bring him. DS went to BIL's wedding when he was 6 mo, and had a blast. I did sneak off to a quiet room with him a few times for a little calm down from the stimulation and uninterrupted nursing, but we always went back after a few minutes.

[theatermom]

Frankly, if *you* don't want to go, don't go. Your dh will be there to represent your family, and it's not like you're abandoning him with people he doesn't know. It's not likely, either, that his family will be unduly hurt or put out by your absence (though if you think they will be, you'll have to take that into consideration) -- most couples tend to be a bit self involved on their wedding day . You'll need to talk with your dh and determine whether he will be unduly hurt or put out, of course.

OTOH, I have taken 3 of my children to weddings/receptions as babies, and haven't had any trouble. You might consider going and trying it; worst thing that happens is that you have an early night in the hotel room with the babe.

I wouldn't leave him at a home for an event about which you feel so ambivalent, though. I did that earlier this year with my then 9 month old (and frankly, it was an event that I *should* have been really excited about), and I was pretty darn miserable. My ambivalence coupled with missing the babe (it was a longer time frame for me) made for a bad time. Why spend the time away for something you're not excited about, except when absolutely necessary?

[Eclipsepearl]

There's an obvious solution to this dilemma. Use a hotel baby sitter. Luckily, this reception is in a hotel so this is a very practical option. I've used hotel baby sitters on many occasions and it's been a good experience each time. Ask the hotel who they use, what agency, and so on. Request a woman above a certain age with baby experience. Once they sent me a retired pediatric nurse!

Another option is to bring a babysitter you know to the event and have her serve the same role. Usually, you can fit three adults and a baby in one room.

What I did at receptions was have the sitter in the room and I ferried children as they were tired. There wasn't much risk as the sitter knew I could pop in any moment. That way, you can breastfeed, put him to sleep, etc. and the sitter would just be there for safety's sake. It's easy to get away from the party and basically go visit him whenever you want.

Just as a tip, bring your cell phone and get HER number (don't go through the room) so you can get a hold of each other quickly.

I personally think it's super-rude to bring a baby to a specifically-adult wedding. I didn't ban children from my wedding (unheard of in my dh's culture!) but my sister did. Someone insisted on bringing their dd, but last minute pulled out entirely. My sister was really annoyed that her friend even considered it. Chances are, the bride and groom don't have kids themselves (yet!) and want an "adult atmosphere" at their do.

If the baby is upstairs and awake, some of the other guests may want to see him. Go get him and make a quick appearance, not when something else is going on (cake cutting, etc.) and take him right back up.

Since children are always at weddings in my husband's culture, this has presented the opposite problem. I've been stressed because I had to bring them and they hadn't had a nap, or kept running across the room during speeches, etc. This "sitter in the room" strategy has worked wonderfully, allowing me to enjoy the event, while not having to be completely separated from my children. If one wasn't behaving or tired, away to bed they went.

I'm not a big wedding-fan. I'm quite happy to find excuses not to go or to dive out early but again, it's not really the done thing here. My dh's family expects us and our children to attend. My dh's family also tends to have big, stiff do's with a lot of people. This solution has made the whole deal much more relaxing for me, since I don't like being separated from my kids (two of whom were ebf).

[amma_mama]

I would not bring the baby without asking first. If it says "adults only", I would assume it means no babies. If that is the case, can your parents and other kids come and stay in the hotel room with the baby? It is only for an afternoon/evening and you could sneak back to see the baby whenever you want? If you cannot swing it, then I would send DH, together with sincere apoligies about being unable to leave the baby for that long.

[laurelg]

I would not bring a baby to an adults-only function unless specifically okayed by the host. I think adults only means adults only, not adults-and-babes-in-arms. Adults-only was probably requested at least in part due to a desire for quiet during the ceremony and other 'serious' times - and that's something a babe doesn't understand or, really, have self-control over.

We took our DD to a formal evening wedding at 5mos, but I specifically okayed it with the bridge & groom. In our case, the wedding was across the country, so if DD wasn't able to come I wouldn't have attended either. I wouldn't have left her for more than a couple of hours at that age, even if it had been local - so nine hours would have been out of the question.

She wound up nursing and sleeping through the ceremony (in our Moby) and was perfectly quiet and agreeable through the reception. I probably would not have attempted such an event with a baby with a fussier temperament, though.

[Sarah W]

I like the idea of the hotel sitter. I would probably leave the baby behind with the siblings. I wouldnt bring a baby, they specified adults only for a reason.

The problem with not showing up is that they've paid for you since you responded in the affirmative. Maybe it's only $20 but depending on how formal could be close to $100 just for you. Then, if your husband decides not to show, they've paid for 2 plates that won't be used.

[LittleLime]

thanks so much everyone..this gives us a lot to consider.

we definitely need to confirm that it would be ok with the bride and groom for us to even bring the baby at all.

we do have a hotel room but the hotel is 4 miles from the reception. so having someone watch him in the hotel isn't that straightforward...and if my parents watch him at the hotel then my girls would have to come too and I think it would too difficult to try and watch 3 kids in a small hotel room! the girls would be much happier at home with their grandparents than cooped up in a hotel. and i can just picture them bouncing off the walls while i am trying to get the baby to sleep in the same room.

also..the ceremony is at 5pm and the reception immediately follows...so it will be getting to baby's more fussy time. he's pretty easy all around but in the evening he gets a little cranky.

i just keep remembering my brother's wedding last summer...all the kids were invited...i was just pregnant but my 6 month old nephew was in attendance and he was pretty miserable...so was my sister. so I just keep thinking that I will be the miserable mom with cranky baby this time.

i think many of you are right though...we accepted the invite so i should go...however we do need to confirm that sweet baby is in fact welcome.

thanks so much!

oh...as for the one dissenting voice :-) i think if we lived a bit closer to the wedding (it's over an hour away) and if i had the right child care i would leave him! my mom does not feel comfortable watching him...she thinks I shouldn't leave him and I think her nervous energy makes the situation worse. we are also going to see if we can find anyone else we trust with lots of experience watching infants.

i think i just really want it to be easy/ok whatever to leave them all behind and have a great time...it's just not possible given that i have a small baby. so i have to accept that i might not have a great time but it's not all about me.

thanks again!

[jeanine123]

I wouldn't have taken my baby. Like the invite said, it's an adults only reception. If I were to have a wedding and say it's adults only I would be miffed if someone decided to bring their child/baby with them, especially if they didn't call me ahead of time to ask. Also, by that age my youngest was crawling all over the place which would have made things even more cruddy since I wouldn't have been all that thrilled with the idea of letting him crawl all over a ballroom floor and worrying about making sure nobody stepped on him, especially as the night wore on and the guests got drunker if there was alcohol. My oldest wasn't crawling all over by that age but I doubt I would have taken him since it was early evening and he would have been looking for bed soon. Yes, he likely would have fallen asleep in the Ergo but then I wouldn't have been able to go to sleep with him and considering how crappy he slept that first year it wouldn't have been pretty.

[ForLife]

I would leave the baby and dance the night away. I am sure that once you get there that you will have a great time. You still need to have some time for yourself.

[BaBaBa]

Only YOU, can decide what's best for your family. But since you asked, I say GO FOR IT!!!

I took DD to a big, loud wedding when she was 6 months and we had a blast. She was in a sling the whole time and was no problem at all. All the music and people and sights kept her occupied. She never fell asleep until we got home. People loved to interact with her. If she had to nurse I just took her out to a quiet corner.

My only advice would be to make sure you are seated where you can make a quick, unnoticed exit if needed.

[caiesmommy]

I was somewhat in the same spot...my dh's cousin and his wife we're in their friends wedding, his mom/dad were attending also..it was suppose to be adult only. So our cousins PAID for us to travel up to where the wedding was/our hotel to stay with their daughter(6 months) during the wedding...It was HORRID! She cried the entire time so much that she threw up, mom had to leave to come nurse/calm her down...the kicker was there was a couple there with a baby a month older! It killed our cousin's wife...the idea that they wouldn't have been the only ones with a baby there AND the parents were there able to watch her...they would have saved over $300 and a lot of heart ache...I would take her...Just sit where you can escape and bring distractions..you know your milk machines

[Thisbirdwillfly]

My dh doesn't want to go alone of course and I do feel bad about that but I also know he'll still have fun.

I'm confused about the "of course" thing. H and I both attend family events alone if that is what works out best for the family. As you said, he'll have fun so why feel badly?