Need help with whining...today!

[flower01]

My 28 month old has been whining for awhile...but in the beginning it was manageable. We stayed firm when we meant "no" and we assured her that whining doesn't get her what she wants. Of course, there were times that we changed our minds, but not necessarily because she was whining but because we realized that we needed to adjust our expectations because of the situation. Suddenly, in the last week it has escalated...she whines about the most trivial things and then when she doesn't get her way it escalates to full on crying almost instantly. I feel like I need a consequence...but I don't know what. We've never done timeouts and I really don't want to do timeouts, especially for that. I also need a coping mechanism for me...I'm losing my patience fast and so far the only way I've dealt with it is to get really angry and raise my voice.

Help, please. BTW, I am 37 weeks pregnant.

[Alexander]

Originally Posted by flower01

I also need a coping mechanism for me...I'm losing my patience fast and so far the only way I've dealt with it is to get really angry and raise my voice.

Help, please. BTW, I am 37 weeks pregnant.

What does she whine about?

Not withstanding any other underlying problem, the whine might signify that she is aware that she will soon not be alone, and have to give up some attention to another, and the insecurity that comes with that.

It's natural. Just getting it in a bit early.

And it is designed by evolution to drive you bonkers, so don't feel bad!

Solutions for you.

Humour might well be an answer. Whine back. Same pitch, same voice. Sympathetically with "I knoooow" blah blah "what do you wannttt! etc.

You can snap out of it as soon as she gets angry or upset, and take the "responsible mama" roll again.

Nearly 2 1/2 she might be old enough to be "included" in stuff too, like getting the washing into the machine, or sorting out clothes pegs "to help mum" and "cooking" or play dough and stuff.

as

[flower01]

My first response is to say that she whines about everything...but obviously that's an exaggeration. As far as including her in things...she helps me with everything. REally, I've always included her in every task I do - she wouldn't have it any other way.

The whining is really about things that she wants to eat (including vitamins), things that she wants to do that we can't....like go ride a train, and other random things. I've always mainly used redirection which was working well, but now she's asking for things that are impossible and she won't let go of it. I mean...there is not a train anywhere near for us to ride...and we always start talking about other fun things she might like to do, but it's like she fixates on it. The vitamins are really frustrating because food is not what she wants so I can't offer her something else.

I have definitely thought about the new baby issue...and I am feeling a little frantic that I have to figure out how to deal with this in the next 3 weeks so that it doesn't get worse. I guess the biggest thing is not the whine...it's that if the whining isn't addressed it escalates to full on screaming within seconds.

Oh, the other thing is that when we ask her a simple question she responds with whining or crying. Like..."Do you want to go for a walk?" she says "Nooooo and falls to the ground all dramatically."

[sweetpeppers]

Originally Posted by flower01

I guess the biggest thing is not the whine...it's that if the whining isn't addressed it escalates to full on screaming within seconds.

Oh, the other thing is that when we ask her a simple question she responds with whining or crying. Like..."Do you want to go for a walk?" she says "Nooooo and falls to the ground all dramatically."

wow, that sounds familiar. I think the best way to go is to just not ask them about things. Not that you are ignoring their wants, just wait for her to ask or just do whatever it is that you want to do and she'll follow along. That's helped me with my 2.5 year old. Less choices, less asking, less talking, more doing.

[nyssaneala]

Can you turn some of the things (like the train ride) into pretend play?

[bellasmama06]

I have a similar thing going on so am interested in these responses. I'm also preggy, about a week ahead of you, and am worried about dealing with this behavior along with a new baby too. Sorry nothing to add but want to see other replies. Thanks, and good luck!

[Epona]

I use "Can you ask in a growly voice? Can you ask in a ____ voice?" and etc. It helps. It distracts them, cools me a little bit, and makes it fun. Other than that as a coping mechanism, all I can say is that IME they just have to outgrow it. iPod anyone? j/k

[Nim]

If you don't want to do 'time in the corner' ~ Simply outlast her whining.
If she whines for something-she shouldn't recieve it. (or until she can ask without whining. ) Help her by giving her an example of a tone of voice that is acceptable.
DON'T let her go off doing something else until she can respond correctely.
If she's whining about something- don't allow anything to happen until she stops.
This would probably take a LONG time without any sort of negative consequence-do you have an alternative other than 'time outs' ?
You have to be consistant though and dedicated to outlasting her whining fits or she will know she can overcome you. If you let it go one time- she'll keep it up the next 100 times. Consistancy and calm are the key to the whiney ones!
Also make sure of your attitude during the day- I KNOW my DD got her whining from me.
Once I realized I was doing it I stopped and she let up more too. (not accusing you of whining! Just saying try to find some of the reasons she may be whining and try to address them! )

[Alexander]

Hmmm, not sure this is age appropriate tho ;-)

Originally Posted by Nim

If you don't want to do 'time in the corner' ~ Simply outlast her whining.

This is unclear. If it is outlasting by not interacting at all, then we are not meeting the child's needs. I feel that responding in some way is terribly important. It can be with sympathy (but not giving in) or facing down (kindly, but without showing any emotion).

Originally Posted by Nim

If she whines for something-she shouldn't recieve it. (or until she can ask without whining. ) Help her by giving her an example of a tone of voice that is acceptable.

Yes, I think this is themed on the right lines, but still, when a 2yo is in the groove, it's going to whine. Often (unfortunately), kids enjoy whining. Getting s 2yo to stop on demand seems rather too coercive. Surely we have to find a way to help the child jump out of that groove.

Originally Posted by Nim

DON'T let her go off doing something else until she can respond correctely.

Er hang on. If she buzzes off to do something else... Result! Remember.. she is 2, not 13. Don't let's get into the power trap. ;-)

Originally Posted by Nim

IThis would probably take a LONG time without any sort of negative consequence-do you have an alternative other than 'time outs' ?
You have to be consistant though and dedicated to outlasting her whining fits or she will know she can overcome you. If you let it go one time- she'll keep it up the next 100 times. Consistancy and calm are the key to the whiney ones!

I agree completely.

I'd only add that, apart from running through the usual list (constipation, tired, hungry, bored, needs cuddle etc.) you could invent a grizzle goblin, that has got inside her, and needs to be got out by examining her tummy. Regrettably, this is a very ticklish business. It might either jump her out of the grizzle groove, or have her find another room to escape to.

would love to know how this pans out. :-)

[Nim]

I was trying to offer suggestions I thought the OP might find helpful in some form.

It's not how I handle the situation~ It wasn't meant to say it's how it should be done....

Just a suggestion.

If you don't agree with it I have no problem with that.

[DevaMajka]

One thing that helped me was to disengage. I don't think it had a big effect on ds's whining, but it helped me cope and stay calm.
If it was something that he couldn't have/do, I'd explain and try redirecting (try to find a fun substitute etc), and I'd answer his legitimate questions. But after that, I stopped responding to him about that particular subject. I did talk to him about anything else, and help him move on if he seemed to want my help.
I found that if I kept responding to the whining, it just escalated and left *me* unable to move on as easily.

I did also find that ds didn't know what whining was. So I told him to "stop whining" and he tried, but didn't really know what I meant. We worked on using different voices (whiny, loud, growly, etc) a bit during play times, and made it fun. It did help him understand what whining is, but I still think it was just something that he was totally unable to control sometimes.
If I gave him an idea of what to say, that helped a lot too. It was mostly helpful when he was asking for something that he could have.

[prothyraia]

This is how it usually goes here:

------------
DS, whining: "IwannasnackIwannasnackIwannasnaaaack"

Parent, in a bored voice: "DS, you are whining."
*sometimes he stops now, sometimes not

DS, whining: "I waaaaanna snaaaack"

Parent, bored: DS, you need to use a normal voice.

DS (sometimes whining, sometimes not): A normal voice!

Parent, demonstrating non-whining speech: Say "I want a snack"

DS, not whining: I want a snack.
--------------

Sometimes now he will go "IwannasnackIwannasnackIwannasnack (pause) A normal voice!" before we correct him. It seems to be reducing overall whining, and usually works in the moment. For us, the key has been complete and utter boredom and lack of meaningful engagement when he is whining (other than pointing out what he's doing and briefly demonstrating what he *should* be doing) and active engagement and quick response when he ISN'T whining.

The thing about whining is that it gets attention- I notice that if I'm involved in something I sometimes tune him out UNTIL he starts whining, then I notice that he needs something. So I have to work on my part in eliciting the behavior, too.

Edited to add: He's 34 months old

[akat]

I don't have any suggestions to add, but just wanted to say, It is a phase, and it will stop. [because I completely remember how *crazy* it drives you!! I was just going through the baby clothes in the basement and the 2yo stuff triggered post traumatic whine syndrome lol].

[enigo]

I found a trick that worked amazing with my 3yo son. When he whines, I would say calmly, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you talk like that, What are you trying to say?" I swear to you it worked so well I couldn't believe it. Obviously you have to do this quite a few times to get it to work properly.

[Peppermint Poppies]

Originally Posted by enigo

I found a trick that worked amazing with my 3yo son. When he whines, I would say calmly, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you talk like that, What are you trying to say?" I swear to you it worked so well I couldn't believe it. Obviously you have to do this quite a few times to get it to work properly.

Totally! I could not believe how well this worked for us. I would (still do) say to DS "I'm sorry honey. I really want to know what you're asking for, but I just can't understand what you're saying when you speak like that." Sometimes if he is stuck in whine-groove, it takes 3-4 goes for him to use a non-whining voice, but usually it works straight away. The trick for us is to stay calm, non-angry, and to response positively as soon as a non-whining voice is used.

[MamaPhilly]

We use the same "trick" of "I don't understand you in that voice." We also add that he needs to say "Please" because I don't understand that he's asking for something without it!

[sea_joy]

A few thoughts

I think the key to whining for me is to take it seriously. My child is having a real, (though probably based on something inconsequential) emotion. That doesn't mean I get all in a tizzy about it, or act like it's the end of the world, but I do recognize that my child is having a strong feeling. Sometimes when I feel really strongly (although I think it's for valid reasons) I might get a stressed out tone of voice or act kind of frantically. If my DH told me to go away, or that I should use a "funny" voice, I would be humiliated and angry. This seems to be my kids response to treating them in a similar manner. (although I do think that in a non-emotional time, like when you're playing, would be a great time to experiment with different vocal tones, that way during a tantrum they understand when you tell them to change their voice, usually when you're freaking out it's not a good time to learn something new).

That said, what works REALLY well for my kids is to say "I want to hear what you are saying, and I want to talk to you about it, but I can't tell what you are saying. Take the whine out of your voice please, and tell me what's going on." Or some version of this that is sometimes condensed into "Take the whine out of your voice to I can understand you." Then you can deal with the emotional fallout of the "need" that you might be denying, or is just illogical. But that's a different thing, teaching kids how to handle disappointment.

[GuildJenn]

Originally Posted by enigo

I found a trick that worked amazing with my 3yo son. When he whines, I would say calmly, "I'm sorry, I can't understand you when you talk like that, What are you trying to say?" I swear to you it worked so well I couldn't believe it. Obviously you have to do this quite a few times to get it to work properly.

This exactly.

[srs]

Originally Posted by Oliversmommy

We use the same "trick" of "I don't understand you in that voice." We also add that he needs to say "Please" because I don't understand that he's asking for something without it!

Another vote for this. Requests made in a whiny voice are not honored. Requests made in a nice voice with a "please" generally are. And we do have to remind DD about this, but really it works pretty well.

Also, this was mentioned already, but do the mental checklist of food, sleep, illness, etc. I have found that DD gets really whiny when she's hungry. Totally drive me nuts whiny, but it's really easy to fix.