DD, 10.5 and the teeny bikini

[kathymuggle]

Dd, 10.5 (and with tiny little breasts) has been wearing pants and a bikini top all day. It is a little bikini top - picture triangles and string.

Her brother friends are here - both male and 13.

part of me want her to put a shirt on!

And part of me is like:

-it is her body, she can wear what she likes
- by drawing attention to the bikini and telling her to put on a shirt I may be sexualising something that is innocent. I have no idea why she is wearing the bikini, and it is not even all that warm out today.

For what it is worth I am totally fine with the bikini in the pool, although for travel to and from he pool I do ask her to wear a shirt.


what are your thoughts?

Kathy

[karne]

I'm probably going to stick my foot in my mouth here, but I wouldn't be comfortable with that scenario. AND, I'm the person who started the thread agonizing about feeling like it was sexualizing my dd to ask her to wear a bra! But something in me...I don't know-13 y/o boys......just not in my comfort zone. Sorry-Ihope I'm not offending.

[mommy68]

If she has no reason to wear it then it sounds as if she is doing it just because the older boys are there. Girls mature earlier than boys and I totally would not put it past her. I'm not saying she is bad in any way for doing what she is doing but she is most likely doing it for attention. IMO, I'm the mom and if I want my child to cover up then they will cover up.

[Mama2Bug]

I don't see anything inherently sexual about a ten year old child, regardless of what she's wearing- but I'm not a thirteen year old boy. ykwim?

If you're comfortable asking her to wear a shirt over the bikini while coming and going from the pool, then it shouldn't be surprising to her that you ask her to put a shirt on now. I'd just say that swim suits are for swimming and since you're not swimming, she needs to wear her regular clothes. No need to mention sexuality or the boys at all.

[kathymuggle]

I did ask her to put on a shirt. She put it on for a few hours, then complained she was hot and switched to another bikini top (this one more of a tankini). I let the second one go.

I did not bring up boys or sexuality during at all - I thought it might embarrass her.

FWIW she was wearing the itsy bitsy bikini top before the boys arrived - I am still not sure why though.

[mommy68]

Originally Posted by Mama2Bug

I don't see anything inherently sexual about a ten year old child, regardless of what she's wearing- but I'm not a thirteen year old boy. ykwim?

When my oldest child was in school a few years ago (private school) there were quite a few kids that paired up and liked each other in 4th and 5th grades (10/11 years old). I think it's quite normal. I think the child was just doing something that comes naturally to a child at some point in adolescence. But if mom is uncomfortable with it then that should be the end of it.

[mild_adventurer]

This is a battle I would choose not to fight. My daughters experiment with all sorts of "fashion choices." Some of them I like, and some, well, not so much. I think it's an important part of entering adolescence, though (exploring style, self, what feels good, what looks good, what makes people stare, what people ignore, etc).

That said, I would keep watching to see if the experimentation ends with the bikini top or extends to other "sexualized" styles of dress. At that point, I might choose to have a conversation with my daughter about her freedoms (i.e. people can wear whatever they want in America), but also about other people's perceptions of us based on what we wear (fair or unfair).

I don't see a bikini top with pants as an inherent red flag, though.

[choli]

I'm not sure what the problem is? Are you afraid that the boys will do something inappropriate based on what your daughter is wearing? Or do you simply feel that bikinis are only appropriate when at the pool?

It's summer, lots of kids go around in bikini tops and short. It's part of the joy of being off school for the summer.

I'd definitely let it go. Unless, of course, you want her to feel that her own freedom to choose her own clothes in her own house comes second to the need to make sure that boys don't see her in the same clothes that they see her wearing at the pool.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by choli

I'm not sure what the problem is? Are you afraid that the boys will do something inappropriate based on what your daughter is wearing? Or do you simply feel that bikinis are only appropriate when at the pool?

It's summer, lots of kids go around in bikini tops and short. It's part of the joy of being off school for the summer.

I'd definitely let it go. Unless, of course, you want her to feel that her own freedom to choose her own clothes in her own house comes second to the need to make sure that boys don't see her in the same clothes that they see her wearing at the pool.

Hmmmm......no.

I worry that girls in general become too sexy too early -and 10.5 is too early, IMNSHO.

I also do not beleive women should use their bodies to get attention. They should use their personalities and brains. I am aware that I, on occasion, do dress in a way that somewhat display my attributes - but that is is subtle and I am 37 - not 10.

OTOH - I very much beleive kids should be able to dress the way they want.

conflicting values - hence the post.

Kathy

[Oriole]

I don't think I'd be ok with that.

I'm all for exploration and allowing the kids to choose how they dress, but I do believe that in this case I would ask her to put a shirt on. Guiding dress choices away from overly sexualized when it just begins is something I find important. I hope it wouldn't have caused an argument, I simply would point out that when we have guests over we don't walk around in bathing suits.

[choli]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

Hmmmm......no.

I worry that girls in general become too sexy too early -and 10.5 is too early, IMNSHO.

I also do not beleive women should use their bodies to get attention. They should use their personalities and brains. I am aware that I, on occasion, do dress in a way that somewhat display my attributes - but that is is subtle and I am 37 - not 10.

OTOH - I very much beleive kids should be able to dress the way they want.

conflicting values - hence the post.

Kathy

Hmm. You say that she was wearing the bikini top before the boys came to the house. So I don't understand why you think she was using her body to try to get attention. In fact, she told you why she was wearing the bikini top - because she was too hot in a shirt.

I think sometimes we parents over-think these things.

[Porcelain Interior]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

Hmmmm......no.

I worry that girls in general become too sexy too early -and 10.5 is too early, IMNSHO.

I also do not beleive women should use their bodies to get attention. They should use their personalities and brains. I am aware that I, on occasion, do dress in a way that somewhat display my attributes - but that is is subtle and I am 37 - not 10.

OTOH - I very much beleive kids should be able to dress the way they want.

conflicting values - hence the post.

Kathy

I think that if you feel that way about this bikini she shouldn't have been allowed to have it in the first place.

Sort of seems like a mixed message. It's cute and fine one day, but then in certain circumstances it's riske and makes her look like she's showing off her body. I think that's a terribly confusing message.

[mild_adventurer]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

I think that if you feel that way about this bikini she shouldn't have been allowed to have it in the first place.

Sort of seems like a mixed message. It's cute and fine one day, but then in certain circumstances it's riske and makes her look like she's showing off her body. I think that's a terribly confusing message.

[kathymuggle]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

I think that if you feel that way about this bikini she shouldn't have been allowed to have it in the first place.

Sort of seems like a mixed message. It's cute and fine one day, but then in certain circumstances it's riske and makes her look like she's showing off her body. I think that's a terribly confusing message.

I disagree.

I wear a bathing suit at the beach - and I may underdress in hot weather at home - but if people come over I put on a bit more clothes.

I do not think this is so usual - and it is a message she is capable of grasping.


kathy

[jeliphish]

Originally Posted by mommy68

If she has no reason to wear it then it sounds as if she is doing it just because the older boys are there. Girls mature earlier than boys and I totally would not put it past her. I'm not saying she is bad in any way for doing what she is doing but she is most likely doing it for attention. IMO, I'm the mom and if I want my child to cover up then they will cover up.

I agree.

[Porcelain Interior]

Originally Posted by kathymuggle

I disagree.

I wear a bathing suit at the beach - and I may underdress in hot weather at home - but if people come over I put on a bit more clothes.

I do not think this is so usual - and it is a message she is capable of grasping.


kathy

I think a more positive solution would be to not buy a bikini so tiny it makes you uncomfortable, as you described it. I'm only pointing that out because the way you've described the suit- it almost sounds like you don't really approve of it? I know it's difficult when giving freedom of choice and trying not to make a big deal out of something or whatever.

Since you don't have a problem telling her to put a shirt on to go from pool to house or whatever it should be fine to say we have company get a shirt on.

Just a really casual "Honey you need to put a shirt on we have company" I think would be ok as long as that was the case with your son also.

I totally get not wanting to sexualize a child that isn't being sexual, and also reigning in a young child that IS trying to be sexual.

It's rough.

[kathymuggle]

Thank you, Porcelain, for your thougtful last post.

I did not buy the bikini (it was given to her) but that may be somewhat of a moot point - I still let it her have it, and maybe I should not have or explained my issues with teeny bikinis from the get go.

In any event, she has given me no grief over any of this.....I asked her to put on her shirt and she did. End of story. I think I have given it way more thought than she has, lol!

[heartmama]

I don't have a daughter, but when I was that age, I was encouraged to wear more modest bathing suits, and I would do the same if I had a daughter. I do think women, and especially young women, and especially a child of ten, should be supported in growing as much as possible without the pressures you mentioned--women are encouraged to dress as if their body is all that matters, rather than draw attention to their intelligence, spirit, and overall personality. And while some parents may not see that clothes which are exceptionally skimpy discourage females in being appreciated for their intelligence and personality, I personally think that is exactly what often happens, whether or not it should be so.

So, my rambling point, is that I actually think if the top was too skimpy to wear around the house--then I would probably not have her wearing it at the pool either. But I think you handled it fine--and hopefully you can go shopping and get some late summer sales on a new suit for next year!