Anyone Just Not Have Kids . . .

[LadyMage]

. . . because of the argument? Two years ago, while I was pregnant with my daughter, my husband wanted 3+ kids, and I only wanted 2. She, of course, was a girl, but during my pregnancy, I looked into everything- including circumcision. There is no way in the world that I would circ a baby. No way. Well, now DuH says he doesn't want any more kids at all because I won't let him circ them. Period. But I want more kids! I want at least one more for sure, but three would be fine, too! This is the ONLY reason he won't have more kids is because he is afraid it will be a boy and he will be doomed to live with a foreskin- you know, like nature intended. He won't listen to a thing I say, won't let me tell him how it is done. He thinks that all the doctors do is tie a string around it and it falls off, and he won't let me correct him. Now, he's talking about getting a vasectomy, and I told him that the second he calls for an appt, I'm calling the lawyer for a divorce. I know it sounds immature, and beyond this, we have a good marriage, but I'm not going to have just one kid because he is throwing a crybaby tantrum over something that he won't even ever SEE. It isn't like he changes diapers or gives bathes. This is more a vent than anything, but seriously, I have medical problems that could cause me to have to have a hysterectomy sometime in the next 8-10 years, so I want to have my kids NOW before I never can again! My OB even tells me I need to have my next baby within 2 years just so I can carry her properly. So, has anyone else been here? Stuck between a rock and a hard place like this?

[MyBoysBlue]

Your DH sounds stubborn is he too stubborn for counselling? I think heated topics like this need an impartial third.

[LadyMage]

Originally Posted by MyBoysBlue

Your DH sounds stubborn is he too stubborn for counselling? I think heated topics like this need an impartial third.

We literally couldn't afford counselling- at least, not right now. I'm a SAHM for now- nowhere around me is hiring- and his hours keep being cut here and there. I keep thinking to rat him out to his mom. She only circed him because she was a teenage mother and didn't know any different (I think, that is what I deduce from speaking with her) and she wouldn't care if I dyed them purple so long as she has more grandkids. But, that would probably just push him away more. I've even told him, okay, we'll do it, but not until the baby is 18 months old and can go under GA and have pain relief, and then, just not ever do it. He says that down in his heart, he knows that circing is theright thing to do, and that normal penii are gross and so on. I mean, I read on here about the hangups men have with their penis and with their choice being stolen and all that, but he won't entertain the idea. I don't know what to do with him. I love him to death, and this is the ONLY problem we really have. I don't know how to get us over it. D***it, I want an accident . . .

Oh, and my brother and my cousin are both intact, and NEVER had problems- even with my mom and aunt retracting them early from the bad doc advice. My father was circed at birth, and totally wishes he wasn't. His mother even told me that she had no idea what they were going to do to him, only that his doctor asked her if she wanted him to make a 'little hebrew' out of my father. She didn't know, so she consented, and her and my grandfather were just struck dumb by what the nurses brought back to them! My own grandfather told me how he was just horrified by what they did to my father- and that it was just unheard of to do that to a baby. I love my paternal grandparents. They're the only ones in my family that are totally with me on breastfeeding, extended breastfeeding, early potty training, not circing, not vaxing. They're just awesome!

Okay, that didn't make me feel better. LOL

[MyBoysBlue]

I have heard of some parents searching out a pro intact doctor and then making an appointment to meet that doc together to discuss circ. The husband will often see a doctor as an authority and will listen more willingly. I don't know about the US but doesn't medical insurance cover councelling? It's so different than Canada.

[KweenKrunch]

I would not have children with someone who was in favor of circumcision.

[MyBoysBlue]

I can understand having children with a man being in favor of circumcision as long as he is willing not to inflict it on his son. For some men it can be a hard issue to face. There are plenty of mommas on here who's husbands would still rather their sons were circed but they left them intact because of their wives protest.

[fruitful womb]

I wasn't going to have any more children until dh was against penis surgery on our healthy infant son. It took three yrs for him to agree with me. Even during our pregnancy he stayed on the fence but I trusted him. After our son was born, with the info he had, the papa bear in him fully emerged. There was NO WAY anyone would go near his son's penis with a knife.

Maybe you could send him the Penn&Teller circ is BS episode? Sorry he is so reluctant...

[bubbamummy]

At first my DH said he would take our boy and have him circ'ed without me knowing as he knew nothing else. I forced him to read up about it and now he is as anti circ as me

I hope he see's sense

[MommytoB]

Yeah find a pro-intact doctor who has 'seen many kids come to the office with botched circumcisions . I think maybe someone here has said about how they love their ped because the ped admitted seeing around 62 botched jobs from circumcisions than issues from foreskin . The husband relaxed on that and said he was glad he didn't have his son be part of that statisic .

Where you located ?

[sept15lija]

Just wanted to send a ...that must be so tough. I really hope he comes to see sense. What a tough position to be in!!

[ElliesMomma]

similar situation, except i am pregnant and almost due with #2 -- a boy. i guess we didn't realize we had the disagreement until the last couple of weeks. when we went on the hospital tour, the nurse pointed out the room where they do circumcisions, and i stated to DH that we want to have our son with us (in the safety of our room/eyesight) when they do those. he, i guess, assumed that we would be circumcising! so we had a hostile disagreement for a couple of weeks. i printed off a bunch of medical information from the American Medical Association, American Academy of Pediatrics and American Academy of Family Physicians, all stating that it is *not* a medically necessary surgery, that it *does* cause pain, and that the benefits do not outweigh the risks. DH has so far not read it. he did interview one of my OBs on the topic, and the OB replied as one would expect, that most people do it, that it reduces the rate of penile cancer and STDs... and i countered right back that penile cancer is so rare, 1 in 100,000 -- so let's circumcise 100,000 babies to spare one getting that in old age, and as for STDs, that's something our son won't have to worry about until he's at least a teenager, so why circumcise for that as a newborn?

the next week the doctor asked us if we have resolved the issue, and i said it is resolved in my mind that unless it's medically necessary, it makes no sense to do it. DH looked at the doctor and said, that if it's resolved in my mind, than "i guess it's resolved in my mind too." i took this as his giving in on the issue.

HOWEVER that weekend when we laid in bed together, he asked what i wanted to do about birth control after this baby is born, and said he would get a vasectomy b/c he doesn't want any more kids. i sorta got the feeling that because he let me "win" the circumcision issue, he wants to control the issue of whether or not we have any more kids. i took it fairly well, although it was a bit of a shock. we are both "older" and in a lot of ways, i will be happy and satisfied with two kids, instead of three. part of me wanted to try for a second girl, but another part of me is scared to get a second boy, anyway!

i wonder if his opinion will soften at all after our son is born...

[LadyMage]

I'm finding out it is more than just about boys. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for your replies.

[titania8]

Originally Posted by LadyMage

I'm finding out it is more than just about boys. I just don't know what to do. Thanks for your replies.

[sweet.p]

He is making excuses.
It sounds like he is worried about more children because you don't work, and you can barely afford the one child.
Is your marriage really okay, maybe it's not as solid as you think if he can not voice what is really scaring him about another child.

There are many legitimate reasons NOT to want or have more kids
(the no-circ issue is not one of them).

[SleeplessMommy]

Originally Posted by ElliesMomma

... he did interview one of my OBs on the topic, and the OB replied as one would expect, that most people do it, that it reduces the rate of penile cancer and STDs... ...

One thing to keep in mind - the "pro circ" OB/Gyns do lots of circs - then they never see the baby again. They get no feedback on complications, which pediatricians refer to pediatric urologists. It would be interesting to ask your pediatrician how often he is treating or refering circed babies for meatal stenosis, infection, adhesions.