Save my family, ye wise mamas! - Page 2

[VisionaryMom]

The results are in...

Originally Posted by One_Girl

He may be reacting to the stress level in the house. You wrote that you and your H are in marriage counseling and the things that create that need are probably creating a level of stress that a child who is sensitive to stress can pick up easily.

He probably does react some to the stress, though honestly he is the source of much of the stress. DH and I get along pretty well, other than the stress of dealing with DS all the time. We both get short-tempered with him, and we feel we're at our wits' end. DS reacts more to my moods than anything else external, I think. When I'm manic, he tends to get that way, too, unable to sleep and just bouncing off the walls.

Originally Posted by One_Girl

If you can cut down on how often you guys leave the house that may really help a lot, this really helps my dd when she is reacting to stress.

Someone else mentioned this as well, but honestly our lives are what they are right now. In order for everyone's needs to be met, this is how it is. I'm in graduate school. The traveling Monday was to take care of some things there that I don't have time to do during any of the breaks I get when both DD and DS are in their preschools. DS has preschool, dance, and soccer. DD has preschool and dance. I work from home (which is why we have the sitter), and DH works. Right now we're slammed with doctors' visits, but we're trying to even some of that out. I know it's a lot. Both DH and I are overwhelmed, too, but it's a temporary situation based on where we live, financial factors, etc. We're working on how to settle things down some, and I'm hoping we can find some answers there in the next week or 2.

Here's the analysis from the psych:

DS tested above average on the tests they did last week. That's not a surprise, but what did surprise us was that apparently he's much, much farther ahead in language skills than we'd imagined. DD has much better language skills, and I actually thought DS was lagging a little. The psych chatted DD up while we were in the office, and he was pretty surprised when DH said that she's 2. When I told him I was surprised by the language results, he said, "well, I think she's probably a phenom with language. It's like parents having a 6YO who's 6 feet tall saying 'gee, I thought my other kid was just short.'" So I kind of felt like a UAV for having said that.

So the psych said that he thinks 3 things are going on.
1. We are unconsciously treating DS as if he's 3-4 years older than he is with our behavioral expectations because of his language skills and cognitive reception.

2. His intellectual ability and emotional ability are really disparate, and he's getting overwhelmed by that. He said that we're over-explaining a lot and letting DS draw us into philosophical discussions (which is true), and that by doing so we're allowing DS to "be in charge," which is putting everything off-balance.

3. He believes DS may have some type of sleep disorder. We're going to go to a sleep center and have him evaluated.

So, now we just have to figure out how to solve things...

[RollerCoasterMama]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

2. His intellectual ability and emotional ability are really disparate, and he's getting overwhelmed by that. He said that we're over-explaining a lot and letting DS draw us into philosophical discussions (which is true), and that by doing so we're allowing DS to "be in charge," which is putting everything off-balance.

Good friends have a son that's off in college as a freshman this fall. I've known them for 10 years or so, but not when he was very young. I had a conversation this summer with the mother that was very interesting and something I hadn't considered before. A was very bright and an early reader.

But he lacked the ability to gloss over ideas that he wasn't emotionaly prepared to deal with. Ex: when he learned about death, it was all he could think about. When he learned about earthquakes and other natural disasters, he was terrified ALL THE TIME. They were able to get him some help through a Head Start program, but it required a lot of work to help him bridge the gap between his advanced intellect and exposure to ideas he was too emotionally immature to deal with. [Not all early readers have this disconnect...I read very young and was frequently exposed to ideas I wasn't ready for...I just sort of glossed over them and dealt with them when I was older. A did not have that ability and it hurt him regularly for a few years...he was Very Intense and stressed out for a while.]

FWIW, he's now one of the most mellow 19 year olds around...smart, funny, sensitive and an all around good guy with big ambitions!

Sounds like your DS has some major challenges in learning some coping skills for the world around him. He's lucky you're actively seeking solutions and helping him be the best he can be!! I've been through some very rough patches with my DS...but they've been temporary and nothing in the extreme of what your current situation sounds like!!! For us, the simple fixes made a world of difference (limit tv, work on more sleep, structure) but they're still something we work on every day.

I hope you find something that works soon!!

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

So the psych said that he thinks 3 things are going on.
1. We are unconsciously treating DS as if he's 3-4 years older than he is with our behavioral expectations because of his language skills and cognitive reception.

2. His intellectual ability and emotional ability are really disparate, and he's getting overwhelmed by that. He said that we're over-explaining a lot and letting DS draw us into philosophical discussions (which is true), and that by doing so we're allowing DS to "be in charge," which is putting everything off-balance.

3. He believes DS may have some type of sleep disorder. We're going to go to a sleep center and have him evaluated.

So, now we just have to figure out how to solve things...

I'm so glad you were able to find out the causes because just knowing there is a reason makes everything seem all better. Like you say, now you just need a plan of action.

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by beanma

Brandi, definitely check out Kids, Parents and Power Struggles and/or Spirited Child. I liked KPP better, but that may be because I read it first. There is some repitition between the two. The Explosive Child is another very good read.

I like Unconditional Parenting, but I don't think that's the one you need here. Alfie doesn't go into too much in the way of practical solutions to tantrum situations. He's more of a theory guy. You're going to get more practical info from Kurcinka and Greene (Explosive Child). In the meantime there are a couple of websites from the Explosive Child people that might be helpful to you

I totally agree.

Another book to add to your arsenal: The Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan. Tere's a chapter in there on the highly sensitive child that I found really helpful with our child.

Originally Posted by BrandiRhoades

1. We are unconsciously treating DS as if he's 3-4 years older than he is with our behavioral expectations because of his language skills and cognitive reception.

2. His intellectual ability and emotional ability are really disparate, and he's getting overwhelmed by that. He said that we're over-explaining a lot and letting DS draw us into philosophical discussions (which is true), and that by doing so we're allowing DS to "be in charge," which is putting everything off-balance.

3. He believes DS may have some type of sleep disorder. We're going to go to a sleep center and have him evaluated.

So, now we just have to figure out how to solve things...

I hope you get some results! Sleep issues suck and can make other issues much worse.

Have you thought about family counseling - if most of the problems revolve around your son, maybe counseling with everyone would be better.

I did think when you were describing that you were trying talk a LOT when he was melting down. Even after he's 'calmed down', he's probably still processing a lot. I have much better success with my highly verbal kid when I wait until a completely different time.

My kids like role playing better with figures or stuffed animals. Actually doing the role playing is a little intimidating. But having a stuffed animal have a tantrum is really funny. Go figure.

[beanma]

Brandi,

Check out the Kurcinka books (and the Explosive Child, too). She talks a lot about "emotion coaching" and it sounds like that's what you need here. You might google that term, too, for more resources.

What I really liked about "Kids, Parents and Power Struggles" was I could find my kid in there. In so many other books authors talked about either one size fits all parenting techniques (and I'd have to include Alfie in this) or were describing a child with some specific challenges (like "The Highly Sensitive Child", or Apsbergers or Sensory kids) that weren't quite my kid's challenges. She's very unique and she definitely has some issues to work through, but they don't seem to fit any particular model. Kurcinka addresses all kinds of kids (and parents) in KPP. It holds a special place in my view because of that.

Hope you can come up with a good plan of action.