What phrases would you like to eliminate from your parenting vocabulary? - Page 3

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by Landover

Just relax folks.... I think it is great when the worst things we say to our kids are "You're okay honey" and "Good job Buddy!"

Okay, I think I'll add "Just relax" to my list of phrases to avoid. It's pretty condescending and dismissive.

[sapphire_chan]

Ooo, we're talking about things other people say now? Can it be stuff they say to their own kids?

Aside from abusive stuff, which thank goodness doesn't come up in my circles:

These are all said in the same voice you'd use to tell a dog "c'mere boy, that's a good boy, now sit, good boy!" Very sweet and almost singsong.
No, no, no"No, no, no, baby, leave that alone, no, no, no."

Do you want a consequence? W.T.F.?

Make a good choice! followed by Good choice!

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by Fuamami

Why? What does everyone have against "be careful"?

Because it's generally coming from a lack of trust in our kids. As with the "in a minute" if I'm using "be careful" correctly it comes with more of an explanation. "That's pretty high, be careful as you step up". Whereas if I'm just saying "be careful" I don't have any real reason for thinking she can't manage things just fine.

If there were real danger, I'd stop the activity. If there was something specific that needs to be done to increase safety, I'd tell her to do that (okay at age 1, I'd go over and help her do it). "Be careful!" alone does nothing more than tell the kid "hey, I don't think you're capable."

[sapphire_chan]

Originally Posted by liliaceae

"Do you want me to help you?" -- Again, completely unnecessary. If he wants me to help, he'll ask.

Not necessarily. I'm forever being helped by people who have a better idea that I might need help than I do. Sometimes you *can* do things alone, but it's much much easier to have someone else hold the door open, y'know?

ETA:
Although when I use it with Lina I do tend to be more specific.
Me:"You seem to be stuck, can you figure that out or do you want me to help you?"
Lina: (continues happily working at it)
Me: You can manage on your own? Okay, carry on!

or
Lina: *complain*
Me: You need some help? Here, try pulling up on my hand.

or
Lina: scream, shriek
Me: scoop her up commiserate on how it was tough, put her down where she can try again if she's up for it.

[sapphire_chan]

Really, the problem with most of these phrases is that they're not intentional. They're throw away remarks with no real meaning behind them.

Even Kohn says that genuine admiration "wow! that's awesome!" is fine. It's when we throw out "good job" with out actually considering what the child has done and how the child feels that there's an issue.

What we are talking about in this thread is not that we will never ever say the phrases that annoy us about ourselves, but that we will break the habit of saying them without thought, okay? ( oops!)

It's all about being more mindful in our interactions with our children and looking at the places where we are habitually unauthentic in our communication is an easy way to do that.

[primjillie]

Except for the swearing, I see nothing wrong with most of the phrases. I don't understand the anti "good job" mentality either. My grandbabies glow when I praise them. I see nothing wrong with "be careful" either. Sometimes they need a little reminder that something is a wee bit more dangerous than they thought. I think sometimes we analyze our parenting to death, instead of going with the flow and enjoying their childhood.

[liliaceae]

Okay, I'm just going to : everything sapphire_chan has said, and probably everything she will say in the future.

Originally Posted by primjillie

Except for the swearing, I see nothing wrong with most of the phrases. I don't understand the anti "good job" mentality either. My grandbabies glow when I praise them. I see nothing wrong with "be careful" either. Sometimes they need a little reminder that something is a wee bit more dangerous than they thought. I think sometimes we analyze our parenting to death, instead of going with the flow and enjoying their childhood.

That's funny, because swearing is the only thing listed so far that I don't think is a big deal.

[InMediasRes]

"What did mommy say?" my 2.5 yo obviously doesn't get this since the only answer is "Mommy said no".

"What did you DO!?!" = "What were you thinking" for me. I don't say it often, but I always wonder what I'm thinking when I do.

I second "Just a minute" and referring to myself in the third person. It gets super ridiculous sometimes.

[Landover]

That's cool liliaceae.... I think it is perfect for you to continue to swear at your children but never tell them "good job" or "do you want some help sweetie?" We'll see whose kids need to "relax" later in life. Best of luck with that strategy....

[primjillie]

I agree. You think it is okay to swear at your kids?

[journeymom]

Landover are you being sarcastic? If so that is profoundly condescending and obnoxious.

Originally Posted by primjillie

I agree. You think it is okay to swear at your kids?

I don't think she said that she swears at her kids. I believe she means that she uses 'swear words' around her kids. She doesn't try to eliminate 'swear words' around her kids.

Big difference.

[jaxinsmom]

Originally Posted by Landover

That's cool liliaceae.... I think it is perfect for you to continue to swear at your children but never tell them "good job" or "do you want some help sweetie?" We'll see whose kids need to "relax" later in life. Best of luck with that strategy....

wow that is really judgemental.

[darcytrue]

My DH and kids say I say "whatever" too much. Whatever.

[liliaceae]

Originally Posted by journeymom

Landover are you being sarcastic? If so that is profoundly condescending and obnoxious.



I don't think she said that she swears at her kids. I believe she means that she uses 'swear words' around her kids. She doesn't try to eliminate 'swear words' around her kids.

Big difference.

Thanks journeymom, that's exactly what I meant.

[mistymama]

I DISPISE being told to "chill out" or "just relax" - esp because it's usually said when I'm freaking upset!

So I try to never do that to ds - It has slipped out before and I told him I was very sorry, that I knew if he was able to just relax he would have done it.

I am one that says "be careful" - ds can be very impulsive and that's my catch-all phrase for "stop, slow down and think about your actions". He very much needs that reminder.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

Because it's generally coming from a lack of trust in our kids. As with the "in a minute" if I'm using "be careful" correctly it comes with more of an explanation. "That's pretty high, be careful as you step up". Whereas if I'm just saying "be careful" I don't have any real reason for thinking she can't manage things just fine.

If there were real danger, I'd stop the activity. If there was something specific that needs to be done to increase safety, I'd tell her to do that (okay at age 1, I'd go over and help her do it). "Be careful!" alone does nothing more than tell the kid "hey, I don't think you're capable."

I think this is a more of a younger child/older child thing. If my 6 yo is swinging a bungee cord around and it's coming dangerously close to her brother's head (actual incident from this morning), "Be careful!" is succinct and she gets it. She knows what I mean. I use it quite a bit, because I think it actually implies a little bit more trust, and is better than:

"Stop that right now, can't you see you're going to hit your brother in the head, for hell's sake?"

[frontierpsych]

Well, I don't really have too many "phrases" right now, as DS is only a year, but there are plenty of things I want to never get in the habit of saying. I think most of them are listed.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by sapphire_chan

"Be careful!" alone does nothing more than tell the kid "hey, I don't think you're capable."

Sorry to come back to this, but I just don't think that's necessarily the implication. At all.

I say this to my kids all the time when they're doing risky stuff. I think it says to them that I think they can do it, as long as they use a little bit of caution and watch what they're doing.

[cyncyn]

Originally Posted by New

"In a minute"

Originally Posted by jeliphish

"Damn It"! ....:

Just kidding...

Also kind of Marge Simpson groan mmmpf of annoyance. Not that anyone listens to me anyway

[loraxc]

I've long had mixed feelings about "Be careful." Part of me thinks it is an idiotic phrase, part of me think it's a decent way to alert a child to watch what he/she is doing and/or slow down.