Is it wrong for me to feel I want to change my child?

[samy23]

She is very serious and reserved in general. She has a great personality and fantastic sense of humor (6 yr's old), but most of the time she is very serious and reserved. Should I be trying to change this? Sometimes I have thought "she needs to come out of herself more" or something like that, but then I feel guilty for thinking she should change, and then again I think it will benefit her if she does change in those ways....does that make any sense?

I'll leave it at that for now, I can explain it more, but hopefully you will understand what I mean and have some advice on this subject....or anyone been there done that, etc?

[ShyDaisi]

I think that it would be detrimental to her self-confidence to try to coax her into changing. It could make her feel that the way that she is isn't good enough. I can understand why you would want to help her to be more social or outgoing, but I don't think it would be advisable. JMO, though...

The only thing that I could think of that could be a gentle "push" would be to find what she enjoys and have HER pick something to do to foster her own interests -- learning a new skill or joining a small group if she wants. If she is more confident in herself, maybe she will open up more.

[GoestoShow]

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Edited by GoestoShow - 12/10/10 at 6:44pm

[funkymamajoy]

I was a very serious child and I kept to myself a lot. I was that weird kid who sat on the sidelines not understanding why the other kids were playing in the mud. My mom said that I didn't grow into my personality until I turned 30. That's just the way I am.

You can encourage her to try new things by doing them with her or asking her is there's something she wants to try or learn. But I wouldn't try to change her and I don't think you could even if you tried.

[Porcelain Interior]

Originally Posted by funkymamajoy

I was a very serious child and I kept to myself a lot. I was that weird kid who sat on the sidelines not understanding why the other kids were playing in the mud. My mom said that I didn't grow into my personality until I turned 30. That's just the way I am.

You can encourage her to try new things by doing them with her or asking her is there's something she wants to try or learn. But I wouldn't try to change her and I don't think you could even if you tried.

This is my oldest DD to a T. I think the worst thing you can do with a child that has this disposition is yank their arm and say "We're doing Karaoke and you will too, you'll love it!" and then try for an hour to force them because it's "fun".

Let people be who they are. A lot of times introverted/shy/more reserved people are perfectly happy until someone starts harping on them about how they need to "come out of their shell" or "open up" or learn to "relax and live a little."

One thing that crushes me about my DD is when OTHER people ask me if she's ok, or if she's sad, or just really assume she's having an awful time because she doesn't show her emotions that readily.

Her default facial expression looks melancholy/serious even when she's quite content.

[EdnaMarie]

There's nothing wrong with helping her try new things but I do think it's important to let serious people be themselves.

People ALWAYS told me to "cheer up". It took me a long time (and I'm still discovering) that I'm not actually unhappy and that there's nothing wrong with me. I just don't have the same outlook as they do.

Specific activities that she chooses are good. General encouragement to be a different type of person is not.

[cymbeline]

I think the question seems to be more whether you feel she is reserved because of low self esteem or just because it is in her nature to be introverted.

I was a very serious kid, and became more reserved as time went on, because my true personality is kind of wacko. I'm loud and obnoxious, I admit it! As an adult, I have fine-tuned it into a great sense of humor, and I have learned when to be outgoing and when to keep my trap shut, but as a kid I was always sticking my foot in my mouth. Other kids made fun of me or called me weird, so I ended up being fairly reserved.

I will admit that I don't know if there is much my parents could have done. They certainly didn't seem concerned, and over time I found my "crowd..." But my DS2 (7yo) is much like I was -- hilarious yet kooky and strong-willed -- and he tends to turn off kids his own age with his outgoing outbursts. We work on bolstering his self-esteem and helping him find other kids who "get" him while letting him flounder just enough to get socialized on his own.

Don't know if that helps at all!

[LionTigerBear]

Originally Posted by cymbeline

I think the question seems to be more whether you feel she is reserved because of low self esteem or just because it is in her nature to be introverted.

This is such an important distinction to make! Do not try to change her, but do take note if their is a lack of confidence. You don't fix a lack of confidence or low self-esteem by pushing her out of her comfort zone, but by lots of validation, support, and attachment parenting-- enlarging and reinforcing her comfort zone so that she feels like she has the emotional foundation to pursue her dreams. I recommend the book Hold On To Your Kids for tips on attachment parenting kids toddler through teenage.

FWIW, my oldest child is somewhat serious and reserved, too, and he also lacks confidence, for the most part. This is because he is sensitive by nature so each of my parenting missteps (loss of patience, sharp words) he took to heart more so than his assertive, willful brother would. They are my little yin and yang, lol. I never push my older child-- I suggest, but I don't push. And I reinforce every day that I love him just the way he is. And the younger one, I have to run after and hold him back occasionally, for his own safety and my own sanity!

[One_Girl]

I don't think you should try to change her. I was a serious child also and I really didn't come out of my shell unless I wanted to. I do think that you should put her in some extra-curricular activities like swimming lessons or dance so she can experience being around other people without being forced to come out of her shell if she doesn't want to. These types of activities tend to be activities where there are many kids in the class learning a skill, but they aren't required to work together to get the skill mastered. There is opportunity to make friends, but it is a low pressure environment and she won't be required to do so.

[QueenOfTheMeadow]

I think you can give her the opportunities to be less reserved, but let he decide and don't force her or push her. I was often pushed as a child to do things that I wasn't comfortable doing. I was very very shy. I think that the pushing actually made things worse, because it added to my anxiety. I just had to deal with things in my own way in my own time. Now, I can be either out going or introverted depending on the situation and what I feel like.

[infraread]

I don't really have anything to add, except maybe send you a

Cymbeline, I could have written your post! In fact, I logged on this morning with the intention of trying to figure out how to make life a little easier for my son, who is just like your son.

All I know is, it's hard sometimes to know what to do. You need to protect them, no matter what their disposition is. But you also need to let them grow into themselves.

[sewchris2642]

Leave her alone. One day, she will grow into herself. Just like a wife can't change her husband, parents can't change their kids. You can encourage her, give her the tools to deal with life but you can't change her.

[sewchris2642]

Originally Posted by EdnaMarie

People ALWAYS told me to "cheer up". It took me a long time (and I'm still discovering) that I'm not actually unhappy and that there's nothing wrong with me. I just don't have the same outlook as they do.

I spent a lot of Erica's childhood defending her from well meaning friends and strangers who keep telling her to smile. It wasn't going to happen.

[camracrazy]

Don't do it!! LOL j/k

I used to have a shy, sweet, reserved preschooler in my first DD. Now she is social, opinionated, and yaps 24/7. Sometimes I long for that shy little girl when I am listening to a 20 minute evaluation of why she hasn't brushed her teeth yet. Or fed the cat. Or gotten dressed. Or anything really. She cannot just give a yes or no answer! I finally had to tell all of the kids yesterday (after a three hour drive), "We are in the Shhhhhhhhhmobile. Anyone that talks is gonna get dumped out of the Shhhhhhhmobile and have to walk home!!"

[Chinese Pistache]

I have a child like this. She is both reserved and also lacks confidence in some ways. We give her lots of opportunities to "come out" but it's up to her if she takes them. We don't force it. Also, we realize that she just takes time to warm up to people and situations. It's a good quality, imo. She's extremely observant and perceptive. When it comes to trying new things, she gets very worried. What has helped her is to remind her of the many other "hard things" she has tried and mastered (like learning to do a somersault or to swim or read). I think that builds confidence more than anything, knowing that you have it in you to succeed. Each success builds on another. I don't expect that my dd will ever be an extrovert. She's just not (and neither am I), but I think she'll gain more and more social confidence as time goes on which will help her navigate the world more easily.

[Katwoman]

Is it wrong for you to FEEL like you want to change you child? I would say, a lot of the time, no. I think most of the time it comes from an honest place. We want our children to be happy, self confident, well rounded people. But there is the danger of realizing that no matter how much we want them to be individuals, we know they have to live in the world - with all the people and pressures that entails. I think it's our natural instinct to want to make sure their life is as less painful as possible.

But I don't think a person should actively try and change their child. (Keeping in mind that the above posted suggestion about giving her opportunities and support are different than making her do something she doesn't want to do - even if it's "good for her".) It might come from a good place, you don't want her to miss anything in life, but I think it will backfire and make her feel bad about herself.

I do want you to know you're not alone. My DD1 has a few traits that I had/have. I have always considered these traits to be the reason I had such a hard time as a child/young adult. I'm terrified that her life will be harder than it needs to be because of them. But I keep reminding myself that she is not me. And for all I know perhaps my childhood was hard because I was weird. So I work to keep that at bay because it's my issue, not hers.

WE just have to keep a real close eye on things like this. They might come from an honest place - we want the best for our kids - but our issues are not there's.