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Daughter calling ex's girlfriend "mommy" - Page 4

post #61 of 72
Thread Starter 
Your information in fact did help. I got right on the computer and looked up parent alienation and parental interferance. I am just not sure if this falls under that. I know that we will end up in mediation because of her school situation. We went ot mediation back in April and I had brought up some of the girlfriend stuff but they don't seem to care. My ex and I went to co-parenting classes (not together) when we first went to court back in August of 06. When we went to mediation in April of this year the mediator said something about going again and my ex said " no those classes are a joke".
post #62 of 72
Originally Posted by Jenalexcase View Post
Yes I have talked to my daughter's dad about this but he doesn't see the harm in it. He doesn't think that his girlfriend is doing anything wrong at all. I forgot to mention something eles. His girlfriend refers to me by my first name when talking to my daughter when they have her. She dosen't say things like "your mommy" to her.
I swear, I think your ex's girlfriend is my ex's wife. Or at least a very close relative.

My ex and I divorced when DS was 5 months old; he was remarried within 3 months to an 18-year old former student of his. From the beginning, she has hated me. I mean *hated* me. Things have only gotten worse since they have not been able to have children over the past 12 years.

When he would go to his dad's house, he would get spanked if he referred to me as "Mom." When I would call to talk to him, it was always, "[My First Name] is on the phone for you, honey!" not "Your mom is on the phone." If he didn't call her "mom" he would get put in time out. And the truly awful, horrible things she has said about me in front of him and too him over the years...*sigh* we won't even go there.

It was beyond hard on me - I tried talking to the ex about it, but he said, "I can't control what K. does." Legally, there was nothing I could do either, at least not in the state I was living in. I just had to suck it up and endure it.

It was about this time that I had a very wise older friend give me some advice very similar to this:

Originally Posted by Oriole View Post
Kids will always have their loyalties with the parents. That's just how it works. The bond you share cannot be shaken up by someone insisting on a name that doesn't fit. If the girlfriend is truly the one pushing the "mommy" name, it WILL backfire sooner or later.
I took it to heart because he was a well-respected child psychologist and I figured he knew a bit more about this than I did. He reassured me that children are smart - if they aren't smart now, they get smart later. They will figure things out and draw their own conclusions about the situation. He suggested that instead of fighting against something I had no control over & could not change (my DS step-mother's behavior), that I accepted the "hardships as the pathway to peace" and taking things for what they are, and "not as I would have it."

The struggle is to find that state of grace as a mother to trust God/Life/The Universe enough that our children will eventually become wise, capable individuals who can see through the manipulation and see things for how they truly are. And let's be clear: the past 12 years have been a hardship and things definitely haven't been as I would have them BUT the pathway to peace has emerged as I have tried to let go of her behavior. I can't fix her. I can't change her. What I did have control over is how I behaved and how I responded to my DS's questions and concerns. As he has gotten older, he has independently come to the conclusion that "I think K. is so mean about you because she is so sad about not having babies of her own."

Having him come home from this last summer's visit and say, "Mom, I am so glad you are my mom and that you trust me and treat me like I can think for myself" was reward enough for the hardships of the past 12 years.

Much love in this difficult situation - I know it isn't easy as I still walk this path with you.

post #63 of 72
I'm not a step-parent but I am a foster (and foster-adoptive) parent. All my foster kids (who could speak) call me Mommy. It happens in a lot of foster families. I am the mother of my house. The kids can call their foster parents whatever they wish, but often prefer Mommy, Mama, or Mom. It doesn't change the feelings they have for their biological parents.
post #64 of 72
I"m a stepmom, and they call me by their first name. When we announced our engagement, and I told them that they would continue to call me by my first name, they seemed relieved. I do think this is an important boundary to be set. Perhaps I would feel differently if my steps had been infants when I first knew them. However, I am now a mom and can't imagine anyone else calling her Mama.
I recommend the book Divorce POison by Richard Warshak to anyone dealing with parental alienation.
post #65 of 72
Didnt read all the post... sorry.

Quickly though I DO NOT like two mommys in a single family.

Our counselor suggested that we find a special name for DSS to call me. We decided on "Elle" as my name starts with "L". That is his name for me.

Some gay friends of mine use Mommy and Mama to distiguish themselves.

I Approach it again with you EX.. assuming the relationship isnt contentious I would just say it hurts your feelings. That you like the idea of DD having a special name for his GF but just not YOUR name. She can be Mama, ethnic name of choice like Mami or Maman, mimi, nene, Mama Cindy, or name of their choice. Its just too hard on you to have your precious baby calling someone else by your name.

Also that it makes it awkward for DD to talk about her family. Whenever she talks about "mommy" she has to launch into an explanation of who she is talking about.
post #66 of 72
Thread Starter 
I agree with you on the not liking the two mommy's in a single family. My daughter tells me that she has two mommy's and two daddy's. It hurts to hear that but I don't know if that is just how it is supposed to be.
Things have been quite with my ex's girlfriend but I know that things will start back up. I sent her an email about two weeks ago keeping it really short and just saying to give me my space with my daughter so I can be a mother to her without her always in the way. No response back (wasn't expecting one) and things have calm down so who knows.
post #67 of 72
as a step mom whose DH has custody of DSD, i get called mommy. even before he had custody, she called me that. i did not insist. i referred to myself by first name always. DSD decided to call me that. yes, it hurt her moms feelings at first, but she got over it. i always told DSD that she can call me what she wants to. my name or mom or step mom. whatever she felt most comfortable calling me. it was her choice. same with me and my step mom. when i talk about her mom i say "your mom".

her mom lost custody through CPS. for very good reasons. DSD unfortunatley was old enough to know and remember why. she still is undyingly loyal to her mom. always. she knows she cant live with her and why but that doesnt mean that she doesnt love her more than me. even though i am the one who was a mother to her most. that iis her mother. end of story.

i guess my point is that, the child will always love the parent no matter what they call the step parent. when DSD visiits her sister, she calls her sister's dad "dad". and it is ok. we all have our own special relationship with her. insisting on being called something and disrespecting the childs relationship with the bio is uncalled for. as a step parent, both DH and I agree that the child should want to call you that b/c they love you like that. DH never insisted on DS calling him Dad. DS asked if he could and DH said only if you feel like that about me.

post #68 of 72
My ex and I agreed right off the bat that we would be the sole 'mama' and 'daddy' to our two girls. Of course, just to complicate things - I'm dating a woman, and my toddler calls her mommy.

So far my ex seems oblivious to it, but I know for a fact that if it was a man and she was calling him 'dada', it would really hit the fan. To be fair, we both actively discourage my toddler from calling her mommy, emphasizing her name, etc.

Mostly because my six year old feels pressure to come up with something 'special' for my gf, and we've only been dating two months. If this keeps going where I think it's headed (long term, we're already talking about moving in together and having another child) then it would be up to my kids and us to work it out.

On the other hand, if it really horrifies their father, I have to admit I would be willing to consider his feelings and try and come up with something neutral - because the thought of them calling a gf of his 'mommy', makes me want to vomit... I can't really have my cake and eat it too, can I?? Fair is fair, and I'm not a huge fan of hypocrisy.
post #69 of 72
Thread Starter 
Well I guess things have started up again. I talked to one of the moms that has a child in my daughter's preschool class. When I called her to offer any help in the classroom (she is the roommom) she seemed kind of confused. She told me that my ex's girlfriend told her that she is basically her mother. Another mother told the room mother that I am very much involved and that is not true. Should I say something to my ex's girlfriend or just leave her to dig her own grave as I know some people are starting to see right through her??
post #70 of 72
I'd just ignore it. She's another parent to your child and it's going to make you crazy if you keep nitpicking everything.
post #71 of 72
I actually think it's best not to totally ignore it. You've got a lot of years ahead of you dealing with your ex-husband's partner, and she's doing some seriously unacceptable things (showing up at a Mother's Day Tea when you asked her not to, telling your dd that your son is not really her brother, etc.) If you don't squash it now it's going to go on for however long she is living with your ex.

This is one of those times to do the very calm, very polite, slightly embarrassed, "I'm sorry she's crazy" routine. So the line to the room mother is "I'm so sorry, Jane is my ex-husband's partner and we working on some boundary issues. I will be volunteering in the classroom this year." The line to the teacher is "I'm so sorry, Jane is my ex-husband's partner and we're working on some boundary issues. Last year she attended the Mother's Day Tea and it was very awkward. Please don't send a notice home about this year's tea, I'll contact you for the date."

The same thing is going to go on with sports, troops, the next classroom, EVERYTHING. You will have to draw the line over and over again, and never lose your temper. You will have to win over an endless succession of teachers, coaches, friends' parents etc. But consistent and committed really can win out over crazy and spiteful in the long run.

To your daughter, it's a steady chorus of "I am glad that Jane loves you so much, but sometimes she's confused about how our family works. It makes me very sad when she says that BabyBrother is not your real brother. BabyBrother is your real brother, and Jane'sBaby is your real sister, and they are both very lucky to have you as a big sister!"

Jane is your ex-husband's partner. You are working on some boundary issues. Sometimes the simple truth is a very powerful weapon.
post #72 of 72
I am not in your situation, but at this point, I would contact your lawyer and see if you can have something done through the courts that gag her from saying anything negative about you or your son. Also, if she has no parental rights to your daughter, you can request that the schools not give her information about your daughter, and that she not be allowed at school parental functions. She sounds very toxic and is trying to sabotage your relationship with your daughters teachers, and that is beyond unacceptable. If she's saying things like that, she's not going to listen to you at all. It's better, at this point, to handle it through legal channels.
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