Working FT Stress vs. SAHM "poverty"?

[nkintzel]

So, here's my worries. Right now, I have a 16 month old boy and I'm due any day with my littlest. I also have a 16 year old daughter. Both my husband and I work full-time. He is a high school teacher and gets home about an hour and a half before I do. I do environmental education for the county.

Anyway, our life is currently SUPER hectic. The mornings are very hard, as I have to get myself and the baby ready on my own, as my husband and daughter have to be at school at 7am. This is really hard for me, as I have to be at work at 8, but by the time I get the baby dressed, fed cleaned up and out the door to daycare, I don't have time to feed myself or do much else.

Then, when I get home, nobody has even really thought of dinner, and its already 5pm. So, I'm starting dinner at 5. The baby is hungry, he's tired from being at daycare all day and he's cranky and whiny. Then I have to start dinner preparations! By the time I'm done, he's too tired to eat, and its just a stressful mess for everyone.

The obvious answer is that my husband and daughter could get dinner started before I get home. However, he just won't. I've begged, pleaded, nagged, demanded, cried, whatever. He just won't. He'll say he will, and then not do it. My daughter does quite a bit to help out. But this year, she's got a really challenging schedule and has a ton of homework. So, that is first and foremost.

So, I'm getting ready to have a newborn, and I'm absolutely terrified and anxious about how stressful our lives are going to be afterward! My house is a mess all the time, we spend too much money eating out, etc. I've really been thinking that when my maternity leave is up, I might try and just find something part-time. (My MIL will watch the kids for me one day a week)

My husband does NOT want this, as I make pretty decent money, and it will definitely be hard to live on one income. (Even when you factor in full-time daycare for two kids). But, I just really can't stand the stress and I really wonder what the point of it all is!

Anyway, I'm just wondering if any moms found that the stress of working full-time outside the home was just way less desirable than having less money? Anyone do it and then regret it? Anyone think that its so much better to just be with the kids and be able to have time to cook and clean and that sort of thing? Am I glamorizing being a SAHM? Its already so overwhelming to me to try and work full time and do everything else that is important around the house.

[tjlucca]

I hear ya.. I was a stay at home mama for four years, now I am back in the work force and it feels frantic, exhausting and overwhelming. I'm thinking of trying so work from home options.....that I can schedule my self. I was a fan of less money and more Mama presence AND sanity!! We lived on a modest middle class income when I was at home. It was tough, but not imposable. I thought to myself many times, "Thank god I am a SAHM, this day would have been unbearable if I had to go to work too!!" MAke the decision that feels right to you. DH will never know what it's like to be a mother. Do what you think is best for the kids and YOU!

[BetsyS]

I think that if my dh really wanted me to work (he doesn't, btw), then I'd do things to make my life MUCH easier.

Like, I'd definitely have an at least once a week housecleaner. Around here, that runs about $50. I'd send out laundry to a fluff and fold. Yes, crazy luxurious, but, well, your time is important. I'd make a set schedule of meals, and over half of them would be one of those dinner assembly places (where you can make up like 12 meals for $200 or something). The other nights would be scrambled eggs, cheese quesadillas, and/or something equally easy. During the week, I would.not.cook. With 2 babies under 2, plus a teenager, and a full time job? WOuldn't do it. Everyone would eat school and/or daycare lunches. Weekends would have at least one mandatory day of rest for everyone.

With less cooking and cleaning, plus more down time, maybe, just maybe, I could make it work. Of course, at that point, what you earn might be all flying out the window, so it might be a moot point.

But, you have a lot on your plate. I don't think I could keep up with it.

[nkintzel]

Originally Posted by BetsyS

I think that if my dh really wanted me to work (he doesn't, btw), then I'd do things to make my life MUCH easier.

Like, I'd definitely have an at least once a week housecleaner. Around here, that runs about $50. I'd send out laundry to a fluff and fold. Yes, crazy luxurious, but, well, your time is important. I'd make a set schedule of meals, and over half of them would be one of those dinner assembly places (where you can make up like 12 meals for $200 or something). The other nights would be scrambled eggs, cheese quesadillas, and/or something equally easy. During the week, I would.not.cook. With 2 babies under 2, plus a teenager, and a full time job? WOuldn't do it. Everyone would eat school and/or daycare lunches. Weekends would have at least one mandatory day of rest for everyone.

With less cooking and cleaning, plus more down time, maybe, just maybe, I could make it work. Of course, at that point, what you earn might be all flying out the window, so it might be a moot point.

But, you have a lot on your plate. I don't think I could keep up with it.

totally. I feel like if I'm going to keep doing this, I need to hire a housekeeper and all the other stuff you mentioned! And then at that point, seriously?! What is the POINT?!
UGH!

I think its one of those things where my hubs is asking the wrong question. He's looking at what I'm making, so he's figuring that we'd be down that amount. Which is true, and when you look at it that way, its staggering and really feels like there is NO WAY.

But, the question probably should be "Can we live on just hubs income?" Right? Not "How horrible will it be to not have wife's income every month?"

I feel like since I'm the one doing all the work, it should be MY decision. I know its a really a family decision, but I guess I feel like he's not consulting ME when he doesn't make dinner at night.

Ugh. I'm obviously really stressed out! haha! I know this is probably more of a complaining thread, but it feels really scary to think about not having my income and benefits. Of course, when I think about not having the nightly (and morning) struggles, that seems like heaven. So, its a really tough and scary decision.

Thanks!

[Porcelain Interior]

If he's not willing to pick up the slack then you must do what you need to do to remain healthy. The load is very unfair from what you've said.

There's no way in he** I'd work a full time job and do everything else on top of it. No way.

Add in a newborn and this idea borders on insanity.

I'd want to cause serious bodily harm to the only grown adult in the house that should be helping me.

Was the baby his idea? Does he help with little ones? If not I think you should choose poverty for a while.

[nkintzel]

Originally Posted by Porcelain Interior

If he's not willing to pick up the slack then you must do what you need to do to remain healthy. The load is very unfair from what you've said.

There's no way in he** I'd work a full time job and do everything else on top of it. No way.

Add in a newborn and this idea borders on insanity.

I'd want to cause serious bodily harm to the only grown adult in the house that should be helping me.

Was the baby his idea? Does he help with little ones? If not I think you should choose poverty for a while.

haha, this is totally fair.
I do feel like inflicting bodily harm on him. Quite a bit. Its not like the man does NOTHING. But he like, mows the lawn and fixes stuff. Which is all really important, don't get me wrong. But, you know...if we're too busy to mow the lawn, or he's too tired or whatever, he can just put it off until another day. But, not dinner! Ya know? If I don't feel like making dinner, the kids are still hungry! haha!

He is an amazing father. He takes the teenager to riding lessons and to meetings and wherever she needs to go. He helps her with her homework. He plays with the baby, changes him, bathes him every single night. He's awesome like that. Its just that I can't get home at 5, when he gets home at 3, and start dinner. And then still have laundry. Its just too overwhelming. And don't even get me started on the cat boxes!!!

[newbymom05]

Originally Posted by BetsyS

I think that if my dh really wanted me to work (he doesn't, btw), then I'd do things to make my life MUCH easier.

Like, I'd definitely have an at least once a week housecleaner. Around here, that runs about $50. I'd send out laundry to a fluff and fold. Yes, crazy luxurious, but, well, your time is important. I'd make a set schedule of meals, and over half of them would be one of those dinner assembly places (where you can make up like 12 meals for $200 or something). The other nights would be scrambled eggs, cheese quesadillas, and/or something equally easy. During the week, I would.not.cook. With 2 babies under 2, plus a teenager, and a full time job? WOuldn't do it. Everyone would eat school and/or daycare lunches. Weekends would have at least one mandatory day of rest for everyone.

With less cooking and cleaning, plus more down time, maybe, just maybe, I could make it work. Of course, at that point, what you earn might be all flying out the window, so it might be a moot point.

But, you have a lot on your plate. I don't think I could keep up with it.

Well said!

My DH doesn't want me to go back to work now, in part because he knows he would have to shoulder 1/2 of the work load I'm currently carrying. Why does your DH think you should be in charge of all the cooking and etc on top of your full-time outside work? Who does he think will be taking care of the new baby? Very unfair. Your salary should only be one consideration IMHO.

[azgirl]

As a SAHM I had a heck of a time figuring out how to make dinner every night or stay on top of cleaning and laundry...(and I had plenty of time) until I got organized, made a schedule and menu planned. Now when you say your husband won't make dinner...does he have to think it up? Or is it planned and he just has to execute? If all he has to do is make the dinner you or you guys have decided on and he still won't do it...that is certainly is a bit of a problem, in my opinion. BUT I know that I had a really hard time making dinner without a plan. Just a thought Good luck!

[nkintzel]

Originally Posted by azgirl

As a SAHM I had a heck of a time figuring out how to make dinner every night or stay on top of cleaning and laundry...(and I had plenty of time) until I got organized, made a schedule and menu planned. Now when you say your husband won't make dinner...does he have to think it up? Or is it planned and he just has to execute? If all he has to do is make the dinner you or you guys have decided on and he still won't do it...that is certainly is a bit of a problem, in my opinion. BUT I know that I had a really hard time making dinner without a plan. Just a thought Good luck!

Well, it kind of doesn't really matter how I do it. He's a teacher, so he was home all summer. I would make elaborate plans, buy all the food and have the recipes written down. He still didn't do it.

And I guess from my perspective, by the time I buy all the food, write up a plan and get everything together, I might as well just do it myself.

I see what you are saying though, we should come up with a detailed plan. The problem is that it seems like everytime I've done that, he just doesn't follow through. I don't know what it is. Lazyness? I'm not sure. He's not lazy. He's just EXTREMELY ADHD. I mean, EXTREMELY. He just...doesn't focus.

[Maddy123]

I left a well-paying (and very flexible job) to be home. Despite the flexibility, my job had a long commute, and that was part of my reason for leaving. Things were hectic, and I felt that I was missing out on many, many things.

We make a lot less money, and this is sometimes an issue. But our stress level as a family has gone WAY down. My kids are in school now, and I work part time around their school hours. I do miss the money I made, but if we can swing it, I hope to avoid the 2-career grind (for US--I realize some people handle it just fine).

At the time, my husband was not crazy about my leaving. It had more to do with how *I* wanted our lives to be. But once I left, he saw things were better, and can see how it was a great choice for us. You need to run the numbers and be certain you can make it on less money. And even though my DH was not real happy about my plans, he did not oppose giving it a try. I am very glad I made the change.

Is there any kind of partial solution? Work fewer hours, half time, etc?

Best of luck with whatever you end up doing.

[christina10106]

I agree with the PP about the weekly maid, laundry service and meal service if you continue working. Honestly, I would really crunch the numbers and see if it could work on just DHs income. I think it sucks that he can't get dinner started before you come home. Make him aware of the fact that things must change or your health and well being is hanging on a fine thread. Either he picks up the slack, or you stay home and work part time. I find that staying home I am able to really keep my family on a tight budget. I feel I save us as more money then I would be bringing home after gas, lunch money and daycare. I realize that you have a much more lucrative career then I do, but it's just a thought. I hope you find some time to relax and are able to bring balance into your home!

[TinkerBelle]

Well, if it were me, the husband would either step up, and do his fair share, or I would just do what I thought was best.

[beebalmmama]

I'm not sure which one is more stressful, since I have done both. I stayed home with ds for 18 months and we barely survived on dh's beginning teacher's salary. I was so stressed about money! Although our home life was pretty calm, dinners made, house clean, grocery shopping done. Just the occasional freakout on my part about our lack of finances. I think I stressed aobut the money more because for the first time I was unable to contribute and that was tough to take mentally.

But once I went back to work fulltime when ds was two. True money wasn't so tight and I felt much less stressed about it. But life got HECTIC! Plus I had a 30 minute commute each day that added to my work day. I was lucky though that dh usually started dinner. I generally had to lay it out for him, but he did start it. I also had to know I might come home to a grumpy dh cursing in the kitchen (because although he could multi task with 24 kindergarteners, he was a mess in the kitchen). My house was a general mess, ds was lucky to get a weekly bath, grocery shopping became such a chore that took so much weekend time, and we were both pooped and felt overworked and at our max.

So that said..... I am now SAHMing again and expecting #2 in a few months. I am going to do my very best to find a PART TIME position when I go back. I know that mentally I am only good at SAHMing for so long and will start to look forward to working again. BUT, I really don't want to work fulltime for a while. Even one extra day free would be so nice to get things done and keep life in order, kwim?

I think they both have ups and downs. But if your already maxed out now, then I would think your dh needs to step it up a bit at home, ESPECIALLY with a newborn on the way!

[newbymom05]

What if you just stop cooking at night? I know that's kind of passive aggressive, but if you tell him he needs to and he agrees in theory, if he doesn't, logical consequences=no meals. Maybe a couple of nights of PB&J sandwiches would bring him around to the necessity of planning. And for goodness sakes don't meal plan for him, brainstorm together Sun night at the dinner table and write it down. Maybe easy like Mon beef, Tues chx, Wed pasta, etc.

I was just thinking that you could then just focus on the 16 mo old when you got home, and let your DH deal w/ dinner. But then what will you do when #2 is here? Your DS1 will need lots of attention in those first couple of weeks, so your DH might be needed for that duty. What a tough situation! Can you hire out like others have suggested? I think I'd hire out or try SAHMing for a year or so. Or maybe your DH could SAH once your maternity leave it up? I don't know, but I would start setting the precedent now, as in, you only cook so many nights, you only clean so much, etc, before the baby arrives.

Good luck with whatever you decide!

[nkintzel]

Thanks for all the good ideas.

I am taking 12 weeks off. Home with both kids. So, we'll see. If things get way better, and we can live on my husband's salary, maybe it will just work out. (My maternity leave is unpaid)

I laid out a recipe and the ingredients for dinner tonight...we'll see how that works out! haha!

[hotmamacita]

SAHM poverty is worth it.

Trust your instincts.

[nkintzel]

Originally Posted by hotmamacita

SAHM poverty is worth it.

Trust your instincts.

This is totally how I feel. I hope the three months upaid will convince hubs, too.

[hopefulfaith]

If money is the issue, definitely check out the Frugality & Finances (F&F) forum here. It has tons of good threads on how to afford to stay home, stretch your food dollar, live on only one salary, etc.

I didn't think we would be able to do it, but we have so far. It is worth it to me.

[srs]

We've had a few scarier moments with finances with only one income, but otherwise I've been surprised that we really are able to live on DH's middle class salary alone, and do okay for ourselves. When I stopped working, it was at least a 40% pay cut for the family income, but now we eat out a lot less, go out a lot less, generally buy a lot fewer non necessities, and don't save quite as much at the end of the month, but really, it's okay. We won't be buying a house anytime soon, but once again, we can live with that. It's really a matter of just how big of a family pay cut it will be, and how important it is to reduce your stress.

However, if I were your husband, I think I would at least feel pretty sheepish that my wife felt she needed to quit her job because I couldn't be bothered to start dinner when I was home that early. But it seems like he feels otherwise.

[Vaske]

Having an ADHD husband requires extra coping strategies. There are some good books around on ADD/ADHD, and on living with someone who has it. Driven to Distraction is one book, but it has been a long time since I read it.

I can't tell from what you have written whether he is willing to make dinner, but fails to follow through because of the ADHD, or if he is unwilling, but not coming out and saying that to you. The best place to start is to find out which it is. From what you wrote, it sounds like it might be both. People with ADD tend to hyperfocus on things that interest them, and have a terrible time staying on task with the things that don't, and it is hard not to see that as a character flaw.

Anyway, he should be able to tell you what is keeping him from getting dinner ready, and to help you figure out a solution. It could be that he just needs you to call him before you leave work, to remind him to get started. Or even have him do the daycare pickup, so you can go straight home and start right in on dinner. (It sounds like it would be good for your son to get out of daycare earlier, too.) Or let him out of making dinner entirely, in exchange for taking over the laundry instead--because it is a less time-critical chore. Plan late afternoon snacks for everyone if you have to do the cooking, it is cheaper than eating out all the time.

It is easiest for me (with my ADD husband and two young children) if I stay at home and manage the household, then things get done and all the bills are paid on time. It is less income, but a higher standard of living because there is only partial chaos instead of total chaos. Things still go really crazy around here if I don't make a meal plan for the week, and if I don't have a housework schedule to make sure that the basics get done.

Working at home is better than working outside, but it still presents you with outside pressures and deadlines, which compete with the demands of the children and household. It's very difficult to get things done, and keep caught up on everything. At least that was my experience. I could barely keep up with my work, and hiring someone to watch the baby while I worked would have eaten up most of what I was making.