Putting 3 year old in room and holding door closed during violent tantrum...Alternative? Or is...

[cahwilson]

Every now and then my 3 year old has very long, very violent tantrums. She does anything she can in her power to hurt me and will not stop for anything. I have tried going into rooms and closing the door, but she is very quick and just follows me in. Yesterday I could not get away from her rage so I set her in her room, closed the door, and held it. I hated every second of doing this and she did too. I held the door for about a minute and then opened it and she calmed down in my lap and the tantrum ended. This morning again another tantrum and I resorted to putting her in her room again and when I opened it she calmed down. So I hate, hate, hate doing this, but it seems to be the only thing that ends her violent rage. Does that make it the "right thing" to do or am I being horrible here? Please go easy on me it has been a rough few days.

[transformed]

works for my 3 yr old. I tell her that she cannot treat our peaceful home space like that and she needs to calm down. She usually reads a book and often doesnt want to come out for quite some time. Mind you this is a very independant child.

She calms down and we talk and all is well.

Sometimes I have to do it too. Calm down. Until I feel ready to be peaceful with my family.

[heartmama]

I think as long as this is only done when she is totally out of control, and ends the second she is calm enough to be approached, and is never used as a threat to control her at other times, then it's a reasonable approach I won't criticize, particularly since it seems to be reassuring your child rather than enraging her

I think parents of very emotional/passionate little ones often find themselves adopting some "survival tactics" that develop within the context of those extreme moments. You try to be as gentle as you can but may still wind up being less-than-the-gentle-ideal you had in your mind. I wouldn't even call this a matter of discipline, anymore than giving medicine is discipline. You are just trying to keep everyone safe; not punish or shame or hurt her.

Given all you said I'm not sure what else you can feasibly do that is gentler. She calms down and is reassured. I think you would know if this approach was hurting her in any way. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and she is responding positively to it.

[loraxc]

We used to have to do this (still do on rare occasions). I am going to get flamed, but we put a lock on the outside of her door so that when this happened it did not turn into a battle about her trying to open the door and us trying to keep it closed (because that did not allow anyone to calm down). We of course remain in earshot and usually say something calm and repetitive--"When you are ready to be calm, you can come out." She either tells us when she is ready or we begin asking her if she is when it's clear she's calming down.

[transformed]

Originally Posted by loraxc

We used to have to do this (still do on rare occasions). I am going to get flamed, but we put a lock on the outside of her door so that when this happened it did not turn into a battle about her trying to open the door and us trying to keep it closed (because that did not allow anyone to calm down). We of course remain in earshot and usually say something calm and repetitive--"When you are ready to be calm, you can come out." She either tells us when she is ready or we begin asking her if she is when it's clear she's calming down.

we do too. I have 3 children. I cant stay at her door and hold it.

[Selesai]

I have a three year old and this has never ever happened to me. Have you looked into whether there's an underlying reason for such violent tantrums?

[JamieCatheryn]

I understand that some kids have very different personalities and challenges, so I can't know exactly what it's like. But I find, DS1 has worse times when he's tired or hungry, or especially if he gets sugar on an empty stomach. Some days he's just in a bad mood all day and is very contrary. Some things set him off every time, stopping a favorite activity for instance, so he gets grounded from it a few days if he gives an over the top response. Lately I've had to be very active keeping him "in line", pleasantly prompting him at first and time out near me if it doesn't, keeping him busy, and paying positive attention to him when everything is going ok. Now he tries really hard to behave well. I notice issues before they begin to escalate with him. But when he does have outbursts, I need to stay calm, catch his hand before he hits if he tries, use a stern voice and put him where he needs to stay to cool down (a dining room chair that's set away from everything). I have him stay until he quiets down plus 3 minutes. I cannot act scared of him or let him think he's in control. I think that's why your DD calms down being put in her room, the part of her that is raging realizes it's not in control of the situation, and gives up. I'm really lucky to have a kid that will do as he's told when I make him sit in one place near me for time out, but maybe there is a way you can get there too.

[loraxc]

I have a three year old and this has never ever happened to me. Have you looked into whether there's an underlying reason for such violent tantrums?

The "underlying reason" may be as simple as the fact that children are different. Some are much more intense than others.

[transformed]

It doesnt really matter what causes it. Hunger, have to pee, whatever - the point is "What to do when it happens?"

Lots of times we can be proactive parents.

Some times we have to react.

[heartmama]

Actually it is a good idea to look at the underlying factors--I agree with that. But at the same time it is totally within the range of normal for 2-4 year olds to sometimes have an out-of-control tantrum. If they didn't, we wouldn't have so many posts in this forum!

[hempmama]

Originally Posted by transformed

It doesnt really matter what causes it. Hunger, have to pee, whatever - the point is "What to do when it happens?"

Lots of times we can be proactive parents.

Some times we have to react.

I love, love, love seeing this on MDC. Sometimes it gets too theoretical. We can come up with lots of theories and ways to reduce occurences, but that doesn't do any good in the moment. Passionate kids are going to have big tantrums, and focussing all your energy on keeping them from happening is a good way to make yourself feel angry and out of control. Because you can't always control them.

If she is being violent (as opposed to just annoying you with noise or whatever), I think helping her to a safe space is the gentlest possible thing. I'd think about the lock on the door or something else that removes you from bodily being involved in her tantrum, if you can. That sort of power struggle seems like it would just make things spiral more. Then you can stay close and help her as soon as she is able to be helped.

[cahwilson]

Originally Posted by heartmama

I think as long as this is only done when she is totally out of control, and ends the second she is calm enough to be approached, and is never used as a threat to control her at other times, then it's a reasonable approach I won't criticize, particularly since it seems to be reassuring your child rather than enraging her

I think parents of very emotional/passionate little ones often find themselves adopting some "survival tactics" that develop within the context of those extreme moments. You try to be as gentle as you can but may still wind up being less-than-the-gentle-ideal you had in your mind. I wouldn't even call this a matter of discipline, anymore than giving medicine is discipline. You are just trying to keep everyone safe; not punish or shame or hurt her.

Given all you said I'm not sure what else you can feasibly do that is gentler. She calms down and is reassured. I think you would know if this approach was hurting her in any way. It sounds like you are doing the best you can and she is responding positively to it.

That is a very helpful reminder that I was thinking about- to not use it as a threat or means to control her. I can see where it would be easy for me to fall into that.

My dd does have food sensitivites that cause the raging tantrums. The tantrums are a bit above and beyond in my opinion (lasting for an hour and very physical/scary) when she is "reacting" to something. So these are not the everyday tantrums, they are usually few and far between. It does seem that this is the best thing to do at those moments. I'm also pregnant so I've been more aware of my body and not getting hurt and what needs to happen to keep everyone safe when she is like that. Thanks!

[busymama77]

Originally Posted by transformed

works for my 3 yr old. I tell her that she cannot treat our peaceful home space like that and she needs to calm down. She usually reads a book and often doesnt want to come out for quite some time. Mind you this is a very independant child.

She calms down and we talk and all is well.

Sometimes I have to do it too. Calm down. Until I feel ready to be peaceful with my family.

Same here. While my DS is not violent, he is a very independant child and if he's screaming and throwing things, then a shut door is the only way to resolve and help him calm down. It only take a minute or two and then we all talk about what happened.

[zansmama]

I think you just have to figure out what works for your kid. The one time I did this with ds (at 5yo), he became hysterical and was inconsolable for about an hour. He needs holding and physical contact when he's fussing _ not distance. He felt rejected...
But with some kids, it sounds like it might be exactly what they need, you know?

[OGirlieMama]

Ditto everyone who said sometimes you have to react, and this is within the normal range for a very intense child. I've had to do it once or twice when I was being bitten and kicked. I think actually doing that is what made my daughter start going up to her room on her own sometimes when she's really upset - I think she realized that the space between us helped her calm down.

I also agree that as long as you're just reacting and not using it as a regular punishment or a threat, it's not harmful.

[fwlady]

We also had to resort to this exact thing, as my 2nd son (#5) can be so violent when he is upset, even still. So, we have a safe room with a lock as well. The 3yo now gets put in there at times, as she gets out of control. I only had #2 with tantrums like this before #5 and #6. When she was put in a room, she would cont to scream and kick the wall/door. For an abnormal amount of time, and so we couldn't do that with her. It seems that my #6 child has started to emulate #5's behavior. Ugh. The only problem now, is the 5yo is way beyond my "weight limit" for being 6 mos PG. So, he usually gets put in there by his older brother. I have to take him sometimes, but it worries me how heavy he is and how unwilling he is to go in on his own. But, who would? It works for them though. Kymberli

[meg-momto2]

we have to do this with DS. he's 5.5 and very strong. he will follow us around and hit, kick, scratch, punch, bite.... we don't hold the door shut anymore but he does go to his room and isn't allowed out until he can stop hurting us. there's usually things being thrown at the door or hitting/kicking at the door until he's calm. once he's done he's really sorry and comes and talks with us. he doesn't mean to hurt us he just has no other way to express himself.

and yes, we're having him checked for underlying issues.