we had a blow up and I'd like to know how I could've handled it better...

[transformed]

First of all, my ds is explosive AND we are doin a yeast die off for the first time so I understand that can irritate it further. He is adjusting to so many things right now and i understand that but it doesnt make acting like a UA violation ok in my book.




Here is what happened before school today.

I offered many choices for breakfast. (Which I may need to cut down on...He seems to do better when I just put food in front of him)

He choose pancakes and frozen fruit. I told him he could have ONE kind of frozen fruit and he threw a fit. After back and forth for 10 minutes trying to explain it, and telling him that I no loner wish to give him choices, and just plain aruing with him he stomped off into his room-I called him to the table to eat breakfast. I poured him a bowel of cereal. I didnt have time to prepare the other foods at that time. He knocked the whole bowl over all over the kitchen and then refused to pick it up.

I sent him to school with no food in his belly. Which seems so stupid - but what was I to do?

: Just trying to understand the situation a little better. Still havent managed to get the Kurchinka Power Struggles book yet. LOL. I need to.

In fact, I am off to Amazon. NOW.

[goodmomma76]

:

[The4OfUs]

How old is he? I forget.

I've found that if I give 2 choices, both *very* specific, that works best - any more than that and it is too overwhelming. And I also say that if they can't make a decision I'll make it (not in a mean, threatening way, just a matter of fact). so instead of pancakes and a frozen fruit and then he picks one, you say pancakes and frozen strawberries. KWIM?

Once things explode like that, it's about damage control. After flinging the bowl I would have asked him to help clean up (and depending on his age expected him to at least stay in the room with me if he woudln't clean), told him that was really rude and uncool, and grabbed a fruit/grain bar and a yogurt tube to give him in the car on the way to school.

Maybe talk later in the day about what would work better for breakfast, if he'd rather you not give him a choice, or just 2 choices, cause this is not working for either of you.

[transformed]

he is 6.

[The4OfUs]

I thought I remembered him being just a bit older than my son. I don't have experience with an explosive kid, but I do have experience with a negotiator/anxiety tilted kid, and the more I try to talk with him about things and explain sometimes, the worse it is. I can't always tell when it's going ot make it worse or not - sometimes explanations help, sometimes they make things worse. If I see it making it worse or prolonging things, I stop, sympathetically but firmly say, "I'm done discussing this right now, we can talk more about it later - now we need to X because Y." and then stick with it. Sometimes feeding into the anxiety/issue makes it drag out longer than trying to 'work it out'.

[transformed]

I kind of feel like cleaning it up for him is totally the wrong message to send. "Ok honey, you throw a fit, and mommy cleans it up." Occasionally, when I try to create a team effort he chides me for doing it for him. He has actually laughed. (because he has heard others like his father and grandparents do the same)

It feels manipulative and I want him to clean it up himself.

[Cavy]

Would he do a decent job at cleaning up? If not, what's the point?

Explosive child... New term to my ears. I've got 2 such DC!

[transformed]

Originally Posted by Cavy

Would he do a decent job at cleaning up? If not, what's the point?

Explosive child... New term to my ears. I've got 2 such DC!

no, he would suck. but that would be kind of OCD, wouldnt it? My mom always cleaned up after us because we did a bad job and we learned that mom just does all the cleaning!

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by transformed

I kind of feel like cleaning it up for him is totally the wrong message to send. "Ok honey, you throw a fit, and mommy cleans it up." Occasionally, when I try to create a team effort he chides me for doing it for him. He has actually laughed. (because he has heard others like his father and grandparents do the same)

It feels manipulative and I want him to clean it up himself.

I agree, at his age he should clean it up himself - but you said he refused, so short of you physically making him clean it up by holding his hand with the cloth in it (which I've done myself with a toddler in a teaching way, not a threatening/harsh way) would be pretty hard with a 6-yo. The option I would do is clean it up myself but tell him he needed to sit in his seat while I did it, and let him know very clearly (firmly, but not mean) I was NOT happy with having to clean it up myself. If he'll clean it up, even if it's a subpar job that you have to go back over later, then that would be my first option...but you said he refused, so I was going on that.

Seinding him to school empty is not doing him or his teachers any favors from an attention or behavior standpoint...sometimes the 'lesson' isn't worht it if it makes for an even lousier day, you know? Those are times to cut your losses and regroup at the end of the day and talk about it, IMO - I wouldn't see it as a "reward" to give him a granola bar/yogurt in the car, but more of a necessity that he needs to eat.

At 6 years old you should be able ot have a conversation with him later in the day about how this isn't working and try to get his input on how to fix it, and he should be able to remember the incident (not like a 2 or 3 yo who don't have that long a memory sometimes for incidents like this). 6 is also definitely old enough, explosive or not, to be a part of the solution. I'd tell him flat out this isn't working for either of you and that you have to work together to come up with a better solution for when he's mad, cause at 6 flipping a bowl of cereal when you're mad is not cool. Figure out options together for him to do, and remind him often. It's not going to be perfect, but then again, what is?

[lness]

It won't hurt him to go without breakfast once, and I'd think he might get the idea - knock breakfast all over the floor, another one is not forthcoming.

[The4OfUs]

I still would talk to him, seriously, about whether the options are too much and you should just give him breakfast without any discussion about it. Maybe have weekends be days he can pick since there's no clock ticking, and weekdays be your choice - or make a weekly calendar and let him pick the breakfasts on Sunday night.

Preventing the blowouts when possible is way preferable to me, especially on some issues, like food (breakfast especially when they're heading to school).

[transformed]

I see both points about food....My instinct is that he needs food and I need to provide it.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

Originally Posted by transformed

I see both points about food....My instinct is that he needs food and I need to provide it.

you *did* provide it. He *chose* not to eat it. What if he had sat down at the table and just not eaten it? Would you have force fed him? Probably not. I agree that it is your "job" to provide food, but it's his "job" to eat it.