Neighbor's child yells at me--what to do?

[Amberenergy]

We have neighbors who have three kids, around our kids ages. A couple of times when we have had disputes--that is they have had a fight and I'm breaking things up--last night I gently said, ok ok, time to go home when the youngest and my son got physical on my trampoline... the daughter who is nine will SCREAM at me.
She is on asthma meds which I've heard can make you more volatile. How do I deal with this? I am usually shocked. They live next door so they are not going away. Sometimes they play together nicely. But most of the time, this is the end result. For now we are taking a "break". Help!

[Fuamami]

Wow! What does she say? Or does she literally just scream? Is she really angry or trying to be funny? Have you talked to her parents about it?

[Chinese Pistache]

I'd say, "I'm sorry, but in our home we do not scream at each other that way. You need to leave right now." She's testing your boundaries so you need to let her know where they are.

[mamakah]

Honestly, I would not put up with that regardless of why she is doing it. These kids don't sound like kids I would want influencing my children. Physical violence, no manners, complete lack of respect for their peers and elders. No way. I would have told the girl that she needs to go home and that she is no longer welcome to come over because we do not behave like that at our house. I'm sure you will have an angry mother/father knocking on your door, but the alternative is not so appealing either. Explain to your children that you know that they *sometimes* have fun with them, but that you will not stand for violence and yelling. Friends are supposed to be fun and supportive people in your life.

[Amberenergy]

THANK YOU! for these replies, I am literally almost crying with relief. I really like the mom, she's vy nice--maybe too nice. But they hit the the kids, the kids do hit each other and although mine roughhouse it's different, like violent hitting, YKWIM?
I am realizing that alot of the reason I've put up with this is because again, the mom is so nice. But her kids are not. Not that everyone has to be nice, mind you but there are basic boundaries and so on I need to enforce.
It's going to be hard for me because I wish we could all get along. But thanks to your replies, I see that I've been letting things go too long and looking the other way because I want things to be "nice" instead of the reality which is--these kids are bullies.
THANK YOU!!! for giving me some self confidence. And reminding me-- I'm always telling my kids to stand up for themselves and I'm a big pushover. I need to model good assertive behavior myself. I guess I need to grow up too.
Oh and it's yelling. Last night I was like, ok time to go home guys because we had a crying/hitting situation...just to defuse it and she literally SCREAMED at the top of her lungs as she ran away "Oh yeah, we will go home now, whatever, I hate you" I know she is a kid so I won't yell back but am again, just shocked. I did NOT yell at her, which is why I'm thinking maybe pre hormones/asthma meds? it's just weird.

[Fuamami]

Originally Posted by Amberenergy

she literally SCREAMED at the top of her lungs as she ran away "Oh yeah, we will go home now, whatever, I hate you" I know she is a kid so I won't yell back but am again, just shocked. I did NOT yell at her, which is why I'm thinking maybe pre hormones/asthma meds? it's just weird.

Whoa! That is crazy!

I would definitely tell the mom. If my 6 yo or my 4 yo were acting like this I would be disturbed and appalled and want to take them to a professional, so I can't imagine a 9 yo behaving this way.

[PlayaMama]

dude. she sounds like someone i would NOT let my kids play with. as in, "if you can't respect the rules of my house you can not come over. go home and we can try again in a week."

i had to do that with some neighbor kids and it worked out really well. they know that over here they have to speak politely and kindly.

[kirstenb]

I would tell the mom so she knows why you don't want her to come over anymore to play and also so she can hopefully address it with her daughter.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by PlayaMama

dude. she sounds like someone i would NOT let my kids play with. as in, "if you can't respect the rules of my house you can not come over. go home and we can try again in a week."

i had to do that with some neighbor kids and it worked out really well. they know that over here they have to speak politely and kindly.

I would do this, and specifically let her know what's not OK with you - the violence, and the rudeness/screaming.

Originally Posted by kirstenb

I would tell the mom so she knows why you don't want her to come over anymore to play and also so she can hopefully address it with her daughter.

And this, too. I woudl definitely let hte mom know that it's not OK with yyou if her daughter yells that she hates you.

[Amberenergy]

Thanks guys. I've told the mom before (this has happened a couple of times) but she's in denial I think. The dad is more apologetic and acknowledges there's something wrong and they are trying to figure it out. I told her again, that K yelled at me and I understand it's the first week of school etc.and maybe they are tired but we are taking a break for a while.
I think I'm just getting (I am dumb i guess!) that even though they live next door and i like the mom, it's not ok for my kids to be hit, yelled at or treated like this. (especially when my kids don't do it back--like me they are usually kinda shocked by it--they start out ok but then things always disintegrate. I've tried setting strict time limits on how long they play which works well usually, except last night of course). I even put my son in Martial arts so next time one of them puts him in a chokehold he can defend himself...long story.
We have plenty of other friends who aren't like this..but they aren't next door. We are taking a break from them.
Thanks so much, you don't know how much better your words make me feel about the whole situation!

[The4OfUs]

I commented above, but also wanted to say I sympathize with you about how it's ahrd to set boundaries sometimes...we had a little girl who was 2 years older than my son next door to us (this was when he was 3-ish), and while she was OK in small doses, she would start getting rough, or using rude/crude language, or wanting to play games he couldn't understand, or wanting then infant/very young toddler DD to "play" with them doing really not age appropriate things...so I had to start saying no to her coming over sometimes, when I couldn't be totally present supervising them. It was hard at first, because sometimes DS would be playing on the deck while I was cleaning the kitchen, but I wouldn't let the girl over and she'd be outside playing alone too, and it felt kind of awkward, but if I coudln't give them all my attention it went south pretty fast, so I just avoided it. She eventually got OK with the answer being no, and we had a sometimes relationship, with short visits together. They wound up moving last year, but it was a good exercise to me in assertiveness AND gentleness.

[Zenful]

It sounds to me like the kids are being physically abused...not sure if you mentioned that already, but that's what it looks like skimming through the posts (namely because of how violent they get towards your kids). Especially since the daughter gets very upset when you tell them they have to leave...this is also a sign that she doesn't want to go home. You also mention that the mom is extremely nice...also a sign that there could be abuse because she's trying so hard to make sure you don't suspect anything is wrong.

That's not to say you should put up with the violence from the kids, but there's clearly something going on under their roof that's not healthy. Is there any way you can figure out what's going on?

[Porcelain Interior]

A 9 year old child is plenty old enough to grasp civility. I wouldn't be having children over that scream at me or yell that they hate me period.

I can understand developmentally for kids under 5 or 6 having some temper issues, or impulse control, but a 9 year old?

It would be one thing if she was fighting with other kids, but you?

Nah nah nah.

You have every right to wash your hands of it, and I personally wouldn't let my kids play with kids that act like this for my own peace and sanity. It would upset me way too much.

[Amberenergy]

Thanks again for all your input. I just got a fb from the mom and she said her kids felt blamed (no explanation why her daughter yelled at me) and that it was my son's fault because he hurt her son.
I told her I was there and told her I saw it. Her son, (who is a little smaller and younger than my son) hit my son, my son knocked him down to defend himself (after the chokehold incident i told my son to defend himself, before he would just take it--martial arts helps with that.)
Her son started crying, I went out made sure he was ok, then sent them home and the daughter screamed at me. I told her this on a message back--
She defriended me on fb.
I am sad that I lost her as a friend. But this is the first time I'mstanding up for myself in this whole saga (which has been going on for a long time) Before I just wanted to get along.
It was your posts that gave me the courage to stand up to her, which is REALLY hard!! And now I might have lost a friend. But I have self respect. Thank you!

[caro113]

I would like to comment that I have never heard of asthma medicine doing that to anyone. I have known several people on the medication and never knew of one who became violent because of it.

And as everyone else said, I wouldn't allow those children around my children at all. If you do suspect abuse, you can always call saying your child goes to school with their child and their child said something about being hit and it concerned you.

And I was under the impression that hitting children in general is now consider assault or abuse. Didn't that court case with that 16 yo change all that? (where she said her mother assaulted her when she slapped her) Hands are for hugging. Hands are for picking up children when they fall of their bike. Hands are
cleaning up the scraped knees. Hands are not for hitting. At all.

[lotusdebi]

I'm glad her parents are trying to figure out what's going on with her.

I have a son on the autism spectrum. He has a very low tolerance for frustration. He has a hard time switching gears and dealing with transitions. He will sometimes become angry and yell and even become physically violent. This is because of the way his brain works. He gets various therapies and supplements, but he will likely always have some problems along these lines. Because of my experiences with my son, I think I'd address the situation differently than has been recommended.

I'd try talking with her. Tell her that you don't like being spoken to that way. Verbalize your understanding that it's frustrating when you have to stop playing before you're ready to stop. Ask for and help her come up with other ways for her to express her anger and frustration that isn't so hurtful. Talk with her about how those same words would hurt her feelings if she heard them from someone else. And perhaps deal with the situation in a less abrupt way next time - like give the kids warning that they have to stop playing in -x- seconds or minutes, or redirect to another short (calming) activity with the warning that after that activity they'll have to go home.

I think it's very important to recognize what's going on with the child specifically. Remember that she's still a child. Recognize that it could be any number of factors influencing her behaviors, and that you can help her cope with her emotions if you show a bit more patience and understanding.

You can decide that it's not your responsibility and that it's easier to "protect" your children from her influence and "protect" yourself from her anger. Or you can decide that you can model compassion, patience, and understanding to all of the children.

[bebebradford]

I wouldn't just assume there is child abuse. My step sisters are.. well, they were horrible in behavior. Just mean, violent, screaming.. bratty. It wasn't because they were abused, it was because my stepmother and dad let them get away with it. I see more children acting out because of lax parenting than I do abuse. I actually was borderline abused as a child, well.. in today's standards. I got spanked ALL the time, and not just on the bottom. I was perfect in public. I was too afraid NOT to be. I'm at peace with the situation, despite that, my mother was a great mom.. she just grew up with the whole spare the rod spoil the child old fashioned approach.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by Chinese Pistache

I'd say, "I'm sorry, but in our home we do not scream at each other that way. You need to leave right now." She's testing your boundaries so you need to let her know where they are.

I agree. Just because they let her behavior go on in their home doesn't mean you have to tolerate it. It's your home and your property she is on.

I'd probably talk to the parents of the child if it got to be too bad. I personally wouldn't want that type of child influencing my children.

[MommyKelly]

I have had 3 kids on asthma meds, and have had to use them myself. I have never had a kid do that, or done it myself. Sounds to me like there is something else going on.

[Amberenergy]

Thanks again for all the replies.
In regard to emotional issues I hear you on that. At the same time, why I am the one who always has to deal with it..like every day...because I have a trampoline and swingset inmy back yard....so at what point do I stop being the one with all the responsibility of listening and taking care of everything...I've modeled compassion but I still need clear boundaries too.