Parents and children

[rom4child]

What is the ideal relationship between parents and children? This relationship should be more severe, parents imposing their terms automatically, or should it be a friendship? In the latter case, if the child benefit from parents' indulgence and do something stupid? I know that the situation varies from case to case, but I speak in general. My wife and I get ready to be parents for the first time, and therefore we want more opinions. So, what do you think?

[chipper26]

Originally Posted by rom4child

What is the ideal relationship between parents and children? This relationship should be more severe, parents imposing their terms automatically, or should it be a friendship? In the latter case, if the child benefit from parents' indulgence and do something stupid? I know that the situation varies from case to case, but I speak in general. My wife and I get ready to be parents for the first time, and therefore we want more opinions. So, what do you think?

I think there is something in between friendship and harshness (when the parents' will is imposed on the child all of the time.) I think it is important to form a close and trusting relationship with your child so the child feels safe with you both physically and emotionally and trusts that you will be there for him (supporting him) no matter what.

But, as a parent, you still need to set limits. It is important to do it gently and to have a good understanding of what you can really expect from the child at certain ages. In other words, what is age-appropriate behavior and how do I guide this child through it?

I strongly suggest "The Baby Book" by Dr. William Sears. It's a good place to start. He has a great discipline book, too.

[kooshbob]

I second The Baby Book, it was a good springboard for us when we were just starting out! I'm in love with attachment and authoritative responsive parenting. I respond to my kid, I work with his needs even when its time consuming and I get nothing done, I've let him get involved with everything I do from the time he got interested, I'm friendly with him and respect him (ok, I do my best). Although we enjoy the relationship he's not a "friend" in the adult sense of the word I'm used to. I don't have to guide and teach my friends or give them boundaries, they're their own business. But parent-child is different, the child needs love, acceptance, AND reasonable boundaries. We've done our best to compassionately teach what is OK and what isn't and explaining the reasons from the start. I'm honest with him and I never, ever lie to him. And if I say "no", I've thought it through thoroughly, I've got a very good reason and it means "no". Most often we can find an alternative acceptable to both of us rather than just saying "no". They learn to trust you and respect you in turn and the hard work early on pays off later! So its kindof like a balance if you kwim. Research has really held up the authoritative responsive model. Right now I like Adventures in Gentle Discipline published by LLLI.

[notneb]

It's hard to generalize about the ideal parent/child relationship, because the relationship changes through time. You can't parent the same way with a 2 year old, an 8 year old and a 16 year old - each age requires different techniques and a different balance between the parent's authority and the child's autonomy. I don't think there should ever be a time when the parent rules with an iron fist, and I don't think there should be a time when the parent totally abdicates their role of teaching and guiding their child. The balance is somewhere in between, and changes as the child grows.

[pokeyrin]

First of all, congratulations!

Pretty much what all the pp's said (and I'm also going to go get The Baby Book). I also believe that the dynamics of every parent-child relationship are going to be different dependent on each individual's unique characteristics.

IMHO there's a lot to be said about approaching parenting your child with respect to them as individuals. As a parent you are responsible for guiding your child with a firm hand when needed, but always do it with respect because I really believe that is what will instill confidence in them and cultivate friendship down the road when they become adults.

Both my DH and I were raised by parents which it was pretty much their way or the highway and you had no choice and your voice was never heard or taken into consideration. Essentially there is no respect because we are children, we are suppose to obey with no questions asked.

DH and I will never operate that way because the kind of relationships we now have with our parents is the legacy of that kind of parenting. Neither of us are friends with our parents and while we love them, we don't like them particularly much nor trust them because they are still static in their parenting style even though we are now adults. We often have to spend our time drawing boundaries with them and frankly that's exhausting. Parents may often know best because of their experience, but they don't always know best.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

I try to do what a mama bird would do...not obsess over the small stuff, live like a flock in harmony....instilling the important lessons which will help her to live well when she's grown...while still being a soft nestmate for her.

I am the mama bird, she is my baby bird. I waddle along and peck the ground and she waddles behind me, pecking the ground.

We are friends in that we share our worms and sleep piled up next to one another...I whisper sweet secrets in her ear and she can always count on me to tell her the truth and hold her hand to make her feel braver....

But I am also her guide, her tutor in this life. It is my job to show her how to fly, how to find food and how to live free.....and I take that responsibility very seriously. So, until she gets all of her big grown up feathers, I may peck at her a bit to keep her following my lead, or spend a little extra time showing her how to scratch and forage when she forgets what I've taught her already and goes astray......but, being birds, we are both creatures of this earth, belonging to this earth, she is not mine to own....only to cherish and nurture, until she is strong enough to fly away without me.....I hope to be fair and kind in my mothering, so that later on she'll fly close to me still...and we can still peck around together long after she is big enough that she no longer needs to follow me around.


It is my tendency to fuss over people, be overbearing and critical....thinking like a mama bird or some other wild creature, is helpful to me, it helps me find a balance in my approach to her. CC parenting isa good strategy for me as well....I want to trust her, give her room to be her, etc....

As for being friends.....friends are nice, but the world is full of them. It is my job to teach her how to be a good friend and how to find good friends...we will always have a special friendship, she is after all, my best bud in the whole world....but I have far greater responsibility to her than any friend she;ll ever have...I'm her mama.

[manamakeri]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

I try to do what a mama bird would do...not obsess over the small stuff, live like a flock in harmony....instilling the important lessons which will help her to live well when she's grown...while still being a soft nestmate for her.

I am the mama bird, she is my baby bird. I waddle along and peck the ground and she waddles behind me, pecking the ground.

We are friends in that we share our worms and sleep piled up next to one another...I whisper sweet secrets in her ear and she can always count on me to tell her the truth and hold her hand to make her feel braver....

But I am also her guide, her tutor in this life. It is my job to show her how to fly, how to find food and how to live free.....and I take that responsibility very seriously. So, until she gets all of her big grown up feathers, I may peck at her a bit to keep her following my lead, or spend a little extra time showing her how to scratch and forage when she forgets what I've taught her already and goes astray......but, being birds, we are both creatures of this earth, belonging to this earth, she is not mine to own....only to cherish and nurture, until she is strong enough to fly away without me.....I hope to be fair and kind in my mothering, so that later on she'll fly close to me still...and we can still peck around together long after she is big enough that she no longer needs to follow me around.

I just have to say that I love this so much! The concept, the imagery, the writing... amazing. I have to admit I will probably repost this somewhere because it resonates with me. Thank you so much for writing this.