How to break the news to my family

[organicpapayamama]

So I have a little out of the ordinary situation. I'm a single mom currently going through divorce. I knew I wanted another kid right away and didn't want to rush inti a relationship just to get pregnant so I used a donor. Here's the weird part... My donor is my soon to be ex husband. He agreed to "help" for various reasons. But it will remain as an unknown donor situation. My immeditate family knew what I was doing. Though my mom didn't think it was gonna happen for me since it took so long. Fast forward to now... I'm pregnant, duh!, but here is my dilema.

My mom has suffered from depression for a while. She attempted to commit suicide back in 2007. She seemed to get better since then until my lil brother decided to go wild and do all sorts of things and she fell into a deep depression again a few weeks ago and she attempted to kill herself over the weekend. She is fine now...physically that is, and will be returning home in a day or two. As it is right now she and my sister watch my son while I'm at work. I told her that if/when I get pg again she will not have to watch 2 kids.. I wouldn't do that to her but the thought still stressed her out even though I wasn't pregnant.... Until now.

I have yet to tell her. I really want to though but I'm worried it might send her over the edge again. I know she will be happy for another grand child and I can already picture her saying a yr or two from now that she can't imagine life without this new grand baby but I'm worried about the initial reaction about her thinking she is gonna have to watch 2 kids. I don't want her to worry about this. I want her to be happy for the good news instead... Any tips on how to handle this? I'm about 5 weeks and I tend to show early around 7-8 weeks. That's about the time m/s kicks in so I won't be able to hide it long... How do I make this a celebration and not a nervous breakdown?

[NullSet]

Wow, this past weekend. She's still really raw. I hope she's doing better now. That must be so stressful for you and your family.

I don't know what I would do in your situation. Sounds like she will be stressed no matter what? Will it hurt her feelings if you don't tell and she guesses on her own? That will give her a little more recovery time. When she does find out I guess re-stress again that she will not have to take care of two kids so she knows you didn't forget.

Hugs, sounds like a really difficult situation.

[jecombs]

Have you talked to your sister about this? Another family member might have better insight on the situation.

If it were me, I would probably wait a few weeks. I work in mental health, and I'm guessing that your Mom probably came out of the hospital on a new medication regimen. Give the new meds time to stabilize (and hopefully work!), then re-assess where your Mom's mental health state is. You might also want to find out if your Mom worked on learning new "coping skills" while she was in the hospital. When you tell her about the pregnancy, also remind of the things she needs to do to help her cope with her feelings. If your Mom has a therapist that would be another good person to consult about this situation. It would also give the therapist a "head's up" about something to process with your Mom in therapy.

to you and your family.

[Starfish11]

Oh goodness, that does not sound like an easy or fun situation at all! Good luck working through this.

[FiberLover]

Wow, sounds sticky.

I too, would wait a few weeks (until you can't wait anymore) to tell her to give her time to recover from her recent breakdown.

for your family.

[organicpapayamama]

Originally Posted by jecombs

Have you talked to your sister about this? Another family member might have better insight on the situation.

If it were me, I would probably wait a few weeks. I work in mental health, and I'm guessing that your Mom probably came out of the hospital on a new medication regimen. Give the new meds time to stabilize (and hopefully work!), then re-assess where your Mom's mental health state is. You might also want to find out if your Mom worked on learning new "coping skills" while she was in the hospital. When you tell her about the pregnancy, also remind of the things she needs to do to help her cope with her feelings. If your Mom has a therapist that would be another good person to consult about this situation. It would also give the therapist a "head's up" about something to process with your Mom in therapy.

to you and your family.

I have talked to a few friends and my sister about this (they are the only ones that know right now), and they tell me the same thing to wait. Im hoping that she doesnt get upset that I waited so long to tell her. Maybe I should wait till I start showing in a few weeks or perhaps at least after my first dr appointment to check that its a viable pregnancy. I dont know how Im gonna keep it to myself for 2 weeks but Ill do it if its better for her health.

she is on new meds now, and she doesnt have a counselor or therapist as far as I know. I have seen this before over and over where she gets really bad and then "seems" better but shes not. she actually hasnt been well in over a decade. I am going to see to it that she gets the help she needs but I really dont think there is a "right" time because she will be negative about the assumption I am going to put more responsibility on her which Im not. I just have to reassure her. But I think I will wait till the appointment and then surprise her with a photo from the ultrasound.

Thanks everyone for your input!

[organicpapayamama]

wanted to post an update.

so my mom came home yesterday with some new meds and a therapy plan. I wasnt planning on spilling the beans yet but she told me that this new therapy plan will be away from home for the next 3 weeks. I just had to tell her before she left and not only that but she seemed better.

I spilled the news to all my family and they were a little surprised but still happy... I guess. I mean no one was smiling or anything but I think it was because of the fact that she is dealing with depression and nothing really makes her smile anymore. I called my brother and cousin and told them as well and well... no one seemed genuinely happy for me. No one from my family even said congratulations to me. Im a bit sad by this. I mean I knew it would be different because of the circumstances behind it but I wasnt expecting this....

[Tenk]

Oh mama, I'm so sorry about this. These kinds of things are so hard to go through. I don't have experience in the area of your mother so I can't comment but send (((HUGS))) as for your family memebers, that's stupid. Our families knew we wanted more children and fully expected us to pop up and say "pregnant", (my mom & step dad, and his parents) but when I called my dad and step mom they said "well are you happy about it?" and my response was, um YES, we know how this happens. Anyway boo on them mama!!! I hope it gets better around there!!