I snapped at my dad tonight. I'm sure he's pretty angry at me right now, and this is not going to be easy to fix, but I've had it.
The backstory is very complex... To start, I was raised the way he was raised, the way his grandparents raised his parents, and I get the impression anyone who questions the growling, threatening, spanking-filled method is to be considered automatically wrong.
I swore up and down when I was pregnant with my first, that my kids would not be raised to obey me out of fear, because it's the main reason I pretty much can't talk to my dad about much of anything now. The methods are long gone, but the fear is still there. I mean, logically, I'm not going to be beaten with a belt for 'backtalk,' but it's clearly been deeply ingrained.
Other cruchiness from me, with my kids' best interest at heart, has been pretty well tolerated, and in some cases even backed by my parents. Like no-vax, extended BFing, homemade babyfood, co-sleeping, and I'm used to hearing just how smart/calm/content my son is, compared to other toddlers, from my parents friends, and from them directly, so it's not like my dad hasn't noticed I do things differently.
At the beginning of July, I had to get out of a bad situation fast, my near 2-y.o. *sigh, yes, that age* and I moved in with my parents. I have less than 30 days til my due date, my physical and mental health are nowhere near what they should be, and I'm looking at a really nasty custody battle, not to mention all kinds of crud from my STBX trying to manage some kind of informal supervised visitation in the meantime, even though I still throw up every time I have to speak to him.
So I don't have the energy to do things right, and it's making me lazy. The stress has made him clingy, and has me yelling on a regular basis. He throws things, he pounds things on the floor, he grabs hold of the cats when he can, and I go back and forth between physical exhaustion, mental/emotional exhaustion, and a combination of the two. It's just hard enough to get up an take something out of his hands, that once that's done, I don't have the energy to sit near him on the floor and try to work him through his tantrum, then get up off the floor afterwards.
My mom has watched me work him through tantrums before, and she tries to help, but it takes alot longer because it's not me or my ex. She actually joined the boards here recently, and really seems to be embracing alot of the stuff that's just plain common sense, and learning more about GD has been part of it.
We had one tonight. DS grabbed a metal rod and went down the hallway to where my dad was trying to sleep, pounding it on the floor to check out all the cool noises he could make. I got up (despite sitting because of a couple contractions that had to stop) and wrestled it away from him, and put it in a safer area where he couldn't get it. He flops on the floor. I told him "Sorry, but you can't have that."
I had to go sit down again, since he was refusing to let go to the point I actually lifted him by this metal rod. So I'm taking a breather, he's flipping out in the hallway on the floor, and my mom sits on the floor nearby and tries to talk to him so he'll calm down.
My dad comes out and starts using the most intimidating tone he has to order DS (a 23 mo. old!) to get off the floor. That did it, he was going in the complete opposite direction of everything that works for DS, and I was not about to spend the next two or three days undoing it.
I went back over in a hurry, snatched up DS (huge toddler) told my dad something like "Growling at him is only going to scare him." and started to walk off. I'm sure he said something else, luckily I was too angry to pay attention.
Apparently he tried to complain to my mom, and I heard the phrase "She wasn't raised like that," was used, and my mom put her foot down on that one.
I guess he's going to feel outnumbered, but traditionally, the women saying 'don't talk to the baby like that' doesn't seem too far out of place.
This is just the biggest thing so far. My dad has tried to use "Do you need a nap?" as a threat... Omg, seriously, I remember that one, and how much of a UAV does one have to be to use it? I mean, offering a child a nap if they're tired is one thing, but 'You're being bad, so you have to basically CIO because I say so' is baloney! Naps as a form of punishment will just lead to sleeping problems. Also, the 'You're being bad' thing... Yeah, lets give him something to live down to.
I am so tired of this, but at the same time, the behavior is getting worse because I can barely do the right stuff, and it's only a matter of time before we hear something like 'You need a beating,' followed by 'You touch my son and I'll make sure you never do it again.'
I finally admitted to my mom right after her conversation with my dad that his parenting methods can't be that great if I'm still bitter about them, and that I resent how frequently I was spanked as a child. And we're not talking the norm for the pro-spank camp these days either, I mean belts, paddles, bottom of a tennis shoe, and so on. I wonder if my folks remember complaining about how they'd spank, and spank, and the behavior only got worse. Probably not.
So after Grandpa calms down, I've got some links to send him about the causes of, and dealing with, the tantrums that are perfectly normal for a 2 y.o., but how do I do this without him shutting me out completely? Because he seems brainwashed that toddlers should be 'broken' like training a dog. He doesn't seem to see that there is a way to keep your kids from walking all over you (at least figuratively) without having to walk all over them, and beat them into submission.
The backstory is very complex... To start, I was raised the way he was raised, the way his grandparents raised his parents, and I get the impression anyone who questions the growling, threatening, spanking-filled method is to be considered automatically wrong.
I swore up and down when I was pregnant with my first, that my kids would not be raised to obey me out of fear, because it's the main reason I pretty much can't talk to my dad about much of anything now. The methods are long gone, but the fear is still there. I mean, logically, I'm not going to be beaten with a belt for 'backtalk,' but it's clearly been deeply ingrained.
Other cruchiness from me, with my kids' best interest at heart, has been pretty well tolerated, and in some cases even backed by my parents. Like no-vax, extended BFing, homemade babyfood, co-sleeping, and I'm used to hearing just how smart/calm/content my son is, compared to other toddlers, from my parents friends, and from them directly, so it's not like my dad hasn't noticed I do things differently.
At the beginning of July, I had to get out of a bad situation fast, my near 2-y.o. *sigh, yes, that age* and I moved in with my parents. I have less than 30 days til my due date, my physical and mental health are nowhere near what they should be, and I'm looking at a really nasty custody battle, not to mention all kinds of crud from my STBX trying to manage some kind of informal supervised visitation in the meantime, even though I still throw up every time I have to speak to him.
So I don't have the energy to do things right, and it's making me lazy. The stress has made him clingy, and has me yelling on a regular basis. He throws things, he pounds things on the floor, he grabs hold of the cats when he can, and I go back and forth between physical exhaustion, mental/emotional exhaustion, and a combination of the two. It's just hard enough to get up an take something out of his hands, that once that's done, I don't have the energy to sit near him on the floor and try to work him through his tantrum, then get up off the floor afterwards.
My mom has watched me work him through tantrums before, and she tries to help, but it takes alot longer because it's not me or my ex. She actually joined the boards here recently, and really seems to be embracing alot of the stuff that's just plain common sense, and learning more about GD has been part of it.
We had one tonight. DS grabbed a metal rod and went down the hallway to where my dad was trying to sleep, pounding it on the floor to check out all the cool noises he could make. I got up (despite sitting because of a couple contractions that had to stop) and wrestled it away from him, and put it in a safer area where he couldn't get it. He flops on the floor. I told him "Sorry, but you can't have that."
I had to go sit down again, since he was refusing to let go to the point I actually lifted him by this metal rod. So I'm taking a breather, he's flipping out in the hallway on the floor, and my mom sits on the floor nearby and tries to talk to him so he'll calm down.
My dad comes out and starts using the most intimidating tone he has to order DS (a 23 mo. old!) to get off the floor. That did it, he was going in the complete opposite direction of everything that works for DS, and I was not about to spend the next two or three days undoing it.
I went back over in a hurry, snatched up DS (huge toddler) told my dad something like "Growling at him is only going to scare him." and started to walk off. I'm sure he said something else, luckily I was too angry to pay attention.
Apparently he tried to complain to my mom, and I heard the phrase "She wasn't raised like that," was used, and my mom put her foot down on that one.
I guess he's going to feel outnumbered, but traditionally, the women saying 'don't talk to the baby like that' doesn't seem too far out of place.
This is just the biggest thing so far. My dad has tried to use "Do you need a nap?" as a threat... Omg, seriously, I remember that one, and how much of a UAV does one have to be to use it? I mean, offering a child a nap if they're tired is one thing, but 'You're being bad, so you have to basically CIO because I say so' is baloney! Naps as a form of punishment will just lead to sleeping problems. Also, the 'You're being bad' thing... Yeah, lets give him something to live down to.
I am so tired of this, but at the same time, the behavior is getting worse because I can barely do the right stuff, and it's only a matter of time before we hear something like 'You need a beating,' followed by 'You touch my son and I'll make sure you never do it again.'
I finally admitted to my mom right after her conversation with my dad that his parenting methods can't be that great if I'm still bitter about them, and that I resent how frequently I was spanked as a child. And we're not talking the norm for the pro-spank camp these days either, I mean belts, paddles, bottom of a tennis shoe, and so on. I wonder if my folks remember complaining about how they'd spank, and spank, and the behavior only got worse. Probably not.
So after Grandpa calms down, I've got some links to send him about the causes of, and dealing with, the tantrums that are perfectly normal for a 2 y.o., but how do I do this without him shutting me out completely? Because he seems brainwashed that toddlers should be 'broken' like training a dog. He doesn't seem to see that there is a way to keep your kids from walking all over you (at least figuratively) without having to walk all over them, and beat them into submission.
I don't have any advice for you, but I just wanted to say w all that's going on in your life you sound very centered and committed. Hugs!
: he's only been alive 3mo, c'mon, if he wants me to hold him, then that's my decision if i do or not, if he's comforted by nursing, then that's fine with me.
mil replied "you will never try to break his spirit. why do you think your son is so mal-tempered?" the only reason that dh and his brothers are any different is because of their moms intervention. otherwise we'd have a whole string of angry bad tempered violent family members. my hats off to you for staying strong through this for the well-being of your ds.
good luck.
