Need Advice on a Family Situation (Warning...Long)

[tootaloo78]

I wasn't sure where to put this, if it needs to be moved please feel free.

My niece had a little girl a little over a year ago with a man who doesn't really help her all, financially or in any other way. She has to work to care for her daughter, but she makes so little at her job that she can't afford daycare. She has applied for assistance, but she doesn't qualify because there are only two in the home. My SIL has been watching the baby since she was six weeks old. She pays her a little, nothing like what she would pay a daycare, but it is all she can afford.

At first my niece was happy with the arrangement because her baby was with family, but it made me uncomfortable from the beginning. My SIL is...odd. She has tried to take over on parenting my oldest son, even when I'm in the room, from the time he was born. She has tried to force him to eat when he said he wasn't hungry with me sitting two feet away, threatened spanking him when I'm there, and various other crazy and bizarre incidents. She gave her own kids pop in their bottles, all the candy they could handle, etc. She doesn't hide the fact that she things that I (and both my nieces) are freaks for delaying vaxes, nursing, offering healthy snacks, limiting sugar, homeschooling, etc.

It didn't take long for things to go sour. My SIL believes in spanking and I rarely visited when her kids were small that they didn't get a spanking. My niece made it clear right from the start that she was not to spank her little one. Imagine my surprise when my SIL brought the baby to visit one day when she was about seven months old and smacked her hand twice for trying to pull my little boys hair. I told her it was fine, there was no need, but she did it again. I wanted to tell my niece, but my family asked me not to because they said she didn't have a choice but to leave her there and it would only make her feel bad. I didn't and things have gotten much worse.

On at four least other occasions she has spanked her (on diaper and legs) in front of me and when I confronted her and asked her if my niece was ok with it her response was "She doesn't want me to, but I can't handle her if I don't and what she doesn't know won't hurt her.".

I wanted to tell my niece, but her brother (my nephew) begged me not to because he said it would just drive her crazy. I don't know what to do. It's getting worse, I have been on the phone with my SIL and she would be screaming at the baby, calling her names, etc. My DH says it's not my business but when the baby reaches for me when it's time to go home with the SIL it seems so very much like my business. She even told me that she wanted to start potty training her by putting panties on her and making her wear them if they were wet to "teach her not to pee in them". This little girl has incredibly sensitive skin and I told her my niece didn't want to potty train yet. Again she told me that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her.".

She also completely undermines my niece at family get togethers and treats her like she's not this child's mother. My niece has seen enough to get concerned and she is trying again to get assistance with daycare, but if she doesn't get it the baby will be stuck there until she is three and ready for preschool. I would like to watch her until she finds something else, but my DH won't agree, he says I already have my hands full and he doesn't think I can handle it.

I am at a loss. I don't want to make her feel bad, but I would certainly want to know if this was going on with my child. I don't know what she would do, it takes every dime she makes to put food on the table, pay her house payment, buy gas, etc. We live in southern KY and there are no jobs, she works at a call center and makes more than she would at a restaurant, nursing home, etc. so it's not like she can just switch to a better paying job, there aren't any.

Everyone tells me not to say anything, but how can I not? My heart breaks for this sweet baby girl every time I see her. I know she's not being beaten, but being slapped, yelled at and called names is abuse, IMO. Plain and simple. Should I tell her if the daycare thing falls through? Should I keep quiet and just mind my own? Advice is appreciated.

[gsd1amommy]

Originally Posted by tootaloo78

I wasn't sure where to put this, if it needs to be moved please feel free.

My niece had a little girl a little over a year ago with a man who doesn't really help her all, financially or in any other way. She has to work to care for her daughter, but she makes so little at her job that she can't afford daycare. She has applied for assistance, but she doesn't qualify because there are only two in the home. My SIL has been watching the baby since she was six weeks old. She pays her a little, nothing like what she would pay a daycare, but it is all she can afford.

At first my niece was happy with the arrangement because her baby was with family, but it made me uncomfortable from the beginning. My SIL is...odd. She has tried to take over on parenting my oldest son, even when I'm in the room, from the time he was born. She has tried to force him to eat when he said he wasn't hungry with me sitting two feet away, threatened spanking him when I'm there, and various other crazy and bizarre incidents. She gave her own kids pop in their bottles, all the candy they could handle, etc. She doesn't hide the fact that she things that I (and both my nieces) are freaks for delaying vaxes, nursing, offering healthy snacks, limiting sugar, homeschooling, etc.

It didn't take long for things to go sour. My SIL believes in spanking and I rarely visited when her kids were small that they didn't get a spanking. My niece made it clear right from the start that she was not to spank her little one. Imagine my surprise when my SIL brought the baby to visit one day when she was about seven months old and smacked her hand twice for trying to pull my little boys hair. I told her it was fine, there was no need, but she did it again. I wanted to tell my niece, but my family asked me not to because they said she didn't have a choice but to leave her there and it would only make her feel bad. I didn't and things have gotten much worse.

On at four least other occasions she has spanked her (on diaper and legs) in front of me and when I confronted her and asked her if my niece was ok with it her response was "She doesn't want me to, but I can't handle her if I don't and what she doesn't know won't hurt her.".

I wanted to tell my niece, but her brother (my nephew) begged me not to because he said it would just drive her crazy. I don't know what to do. It's getting worse, I have been on the phone with my SIL and she would be screaming at the baby, calling her names, etc. My DH says it's not my business but when the baby reaches for me when it's time to go home with the SIL it seems so very much like my business. She even told me that she wanted to start potty training her by putting panties on her and making her wear them if they were wet to "teach her not to pee in them". This little girl has incredibly sensitive skin and I told her my niece didn't want to potty train yet. Again she told me that "what she doesn't know won't hurt her.".

She also completely undermines my niece at family get togethers and treats her like she's not this child's mother. My niece has seen enough to get concerned and she is trying again to get assistance with daycare, but if she doesn't get it the baby will be stuck there until she is three and ready for preschool. I would like to watch her until she finds something else, but my DH won't agree, he says I already have my hands full and he doesn't think I can handle it.

I am at a loss. I don't want to make her feel bad, but I would certainly want to know if this was going on with my child. I don't know what she would do, it takes every dime she makes to put food on the table, pay her house payment, buy gas, etc. We live in southern KY and there are no jobs, she works at a call center and makes more than she would at a restaurant, nursing home, etc. so it's not like she can just switch to a better paying job, there aren't any.

Everyone tells me not to say anything, but how can I not? My heart breaks for this sweet baby girl every time I see her. I know she's not being beaten, but being slapped, yelled at and called names is abuse, IMO. Plain and simple. Should I tell her if the daycare thing falls through? Should I keep quiet and just mind my own? Advice is appreciated.

By minding your own business, you are complicit in the abuse of a child as are all members of your family who tell you to keep your mouth shut. I can't imagine the sense of betrayal I would feel if a member of my family was abusing my baby and the people who knew, witnessed, didn't do anything to help, at least didn't tell me.

[gsd1amommy]

I also wanted to say that I am so sorry you are faced with this and have no support to get the little girl out of this situation. Is there a reason your husband thinks taking care of her will be too much?

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I agree that you need to speak up. You even have a solution, which is terrific. However, I am concerned that you are bowing to everyone else. Even your offer to watch her is being controlled by your husband saying "no". Saying something is going to upset a lot of apple carts, so you need to be sure that you can handle all of the ramifications. You don't say how many children you have at home, so I don't know if your husband's concerns are realistic, but if they aren't you need to figure out how to convince him to let this go forward.

[tootaloo78]

Thak you both for your responses. I have a 3.5 year old a 7 month old. My oldest is very high needs and we are homeschooling (just started with pre-school) so dh is concerned that it would interfere.

I don't mean to bow to everyone else, it's just that they all make me feel that if I speak up my niece will end up without a sitter at all and will lose her job because they are very strict about missing days, being late etc. Also, I don't want to feel like I am going behind my brother's back, tattling on his wife (he isn't there to see most of the behavior). If I say something I want to be totally upfront about it, but I'm not quite sure how to do that.

[Kittymom]

You absolutely need to tell her. I understand you are in an uncomfortable position, but I am frankly horrified that someone who agrees with your niece's position wouldn't have told her immediately. It does make you complicit in how the baby is being treated. What's more, it means you and the rest of the family are treating your niece like a child, or like a weak-minded over emotional woman in the way that people used to treat women.

It sounds to me like she is a responsible, loving mother doing the best she can with a tough situation. She has EVERY right to know how her child is being treated. In her place, wouldn't you want to be told? Also, no one, including her, knows what alternatives she might find if she knew how her child was being mistreated. There may be options she considers inferior to a family member who follows her rules, but would choose over the reality.

Also, consider this. The current mistreatment is shaping her kid's psyche for life. It is also impacting her behavior at home. Her mom is going to eventually think it is failings in her parenting that are causing her kid to act in certain ways, not knowing the treatment experienced elsewhere.

It just breaks my heart to think of all the effort this women, who is already in such a stressful situation, is putting in to being a patient and loving mama, only to have her efforts undermined without her knowledge. I'm sorry your family doesn't respect her enough to tell her the truth, and I know they would be upset with you for doing so. But, I implore you, please stand up to them and tell her the whole, unedited truth right away. No matter her response, she deserves to know and her child needs her to as well.

I am sorry if this comes across as overly harsh. Again, I know that this must have kept you up some nights and is in no way easy or fair to anyone involved, including you. But, I feel very strongly about this. Please contact her today.

[LynnS6]

You need to tell your niece. Her child is being harmed, and your whole family is complicit in this. Your SIL is hitting an infant. She's talking about potty training her when she's clearly not ready, using a method that could hurt her.

You can take care of this infant until she can find a better place. Homeschooling a 3.5 year old shouldn't take much time -- really you could delay 'schooling' for a year and he'd be just fine. I'm assuming you read to your child, talk with him and sing with him, right? Schedule in a daily exploration walk which would be fun for all the kids. Schedule an art project every 2-3 days, and you'd have a decent preschool experience for the first year. Is it as involved as homeschool? No, but to help someone in a crisis, maybe it's the best thing.

[heartmama]

If it were your child, would you want to know?

How would you feel if you found out everyone knew, and nobody told you?

You have a solution. It is time to act.

Best of luck, and God bless you!

[heartmama]

I also want to add that with time and persistence your SIL most likely could find public assistance that will help her with daycare costs. There are waiting lists, and lots of detective work to do, but if you can watch the baby in the meantime, I think there is a good chance that public programs exist which she could use. And in terms of daycare, you could probably throw a dart at a phone book and find one that will treat her baby better than this woman. The entire post was shocking and very sad

[simplemama32]

I definitely agree with the others...this mama needs to be told what is happening with her child. Words can't express how horrified I would be if I found out this was happening to my son.

Hugs...I know this is a difficult situation for all concerned.

[Wild Lupine]

You niece and her baby are so, so, so lucky you are in their lives.

I agree with all the previous posters. You must tell your niece, you must tell her now. This baby is experiencing physical and emotional abuse. This will only escalate; if she spanks her at 8 months for pulling a child's hair in play, what will she do in response to a fifteen month old flushing valuables down the toilet, or a two year old saying no all day long? This child's emotional and physical well-being is at stake an desparately needs help. I wouldn't send the baby back there for another day.

The rest of your family is in denial, a very real and very strong response to an unhealthy and abnormal situation. It is also a very powerful group dynamic in which members collude with one another. One day they may wake up and realize how very wrong they were, but that's unlikely to happen soon. You may need to act, and help your niece act, without any support from anyone else. I wish I had advice for how to protect this little girl without family conflict, but I don't. There are a lot of wise Mamas here who might have some suggestions. All I can suggest is to brace yourself an get support from friends and MDC!

There may be other options, Head Start, for example. Many states provide daycare assistance, maybe even all of them. I have two friends, both single moms who make slightly above minimum wage, who get full daycare coverage from the government so they can work. Maybe your husband will be more amenable to you taking the baby in if he knows it is short term.

Good luck we'll be thinking of you!

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

You need to tell your niece. Her child is being harmed, and your whole family is complicit in this. Your SIL is hitting an infant. She's talking about potty training her when she's clearly not ready, using a method that could hurt her.

You can take care of this infant until she can find a better place. Homeschooling a 3.5 year old shouldn't take much time -- really you could delay 'schooling' for a year and he'd be just fine. I'm assuming you read to your child, talk with him and sing with him, right? Schedule in a daily exploration walk which would be fun for all the kids. Schedule an art project every 2-3 days, and you'd have a decent preschool experience for the first year. Is it as involved as homeschool? No, but to help someone in a crisis, maybe it's the best thing.

I completely agree. Please tell her!

[tootaloo78]

I know that you are right, she needs to be told. I don't know if DH will agree for me to keep her, however. He was pretty admant about it and since it will directly affect him (and our children) it's not a decisionthat I can make without his support.

Should I invite her over and just break it to her gently, how do I deal with the fallout with my family? I know it seems silly to worry about that now, but I know this is going to hurt my relationship with my brother, I would like to do the least amount of damage possible.

[weliveintheforest]

I would invite her and tell her in person. She may decide not to do anything, or she may ask SIL about it in a way that doesn't get everyone upset at you. It might be uncomfortable at first but eventually it will blow over. Even though it seems like assistance is hard to find, there may be a way. Can you ask in the Finding Your Tribe forum for your area?

[Spirit Dancer]

You must tell her. I imagine if it where your babe would you not want to know?
Also I would tell her in person- all the facts.

[swd12422]

You not only need to tell her, you need to let everyone who's telling you NOT to tell her that they should be ashamed of themselves. Honestly, I wouldn't be able to attend another family event with those people if I were in your shoes. That's not the value system I want my family around.

[bebebradford]

I'm BEGGING you to tell her ASAP. By not telling her it's almost like you are condoning the abuse. The RIGHT thing is to tell her.. I understand you're in a pickle.. but this is an innocent child here. The babe cannot speak for itself.. YOU need to be it's voice. Good luck!

[bebebradford]

Also, I know in Tennessee there is daycare scholarships by DHS... As long as the mom works 30 hours a week and meets the income requirements she would get it.. here anyways. Isn't there something like that there?

[Latte Mama]

Latecomer to the thread chiming in PLEASE tell her. I am sick thinking about the "what if" it were my baby. I cannot believe the rest of your family is in cahoots with this silence, ugh. As far as what she doesn't know won't hurt, it IS hurting her kid!

Your niece has the right to know and the right to decide her child's future care.

[RiverSky]

Yup, please tell her.

Honestly, in this situation, I would tell my DH that I cannot stand by any longer, and I am going to help watch the baby for two months, to give her a chance to find another situation.

If this woman treats that baby as she does when she knows you are watching and not agreeing, imagine what she does when you are not there! I shudder to think how much this baby is being abused behind closed doors....

Please hurry!