Undermining someone else's parenting

[Evergreen]

I am babysitting a not yet three month old baby right now. When I picked him up this afternoon his mother told me to give him some rice cereal in his bottle when I put him down for the night. She showed me soem premeasured containers which probably contain about 3-4 TBS of cereal. I have already made up my mind that I am not doing this. For one thing, he was screaming bloody murder and had the worst smelling gas an hour ago. I've been helping with him since he was three weeks old and he has never cried once for me so this is way unusual. It is probably from having cereal. Secondly, it's a choking hazard and no kid is going to be dying on my watch. The baby was having weight gaining issues but is caught up now so I do not want to replace fats and proteins with empty calories., I don't know if this is relavent but his head is gigantic. He can not hold it up at all. He is surely not ready for cereal.

WWYD? Is this a case of a babysitter undermining the mother? I have no problem telling her that I didn't and won't be giving it to him in the future. I don't plan to dump out the cereal and just act like I gave it to him but is it wrong to not follow her instructions? The baby does not have reflux or anything so this is not doctor's orders for something like that. Should I have just kept my personal oppinions to myself and fed it to him? If it makes a difference I am not just the babysitter, the baby is receiving some services through DSS and I am one of the people who is approved to do respite care when mom is overwhelmed and I watch him while she works nights.

[caro113]

Can you just tell her that you uncomfortable with giving him the cereal? Maybe explain the gas issue.

Honestly, if you aren't comfortable with it, you shouldn't give it to him. Plain and simple. I'm not sure if it's underminding the parents. I don't think you are, but I may feel differently if I were the parent. You can always just tell her you aren't trying to undermind her but you just aren't comfortable with it because of XYZ.

I hope the babe gets rid of his painful gas soon.

[Lisa85]

As long as you're upfront with the mom about not giving cereal and your reasons there's nothing wrong with it.

I would phrase it in the most gentle way possible. I wouldn't say anything about the baby's head control or nutrition wise, but definitely that it's a choking hazard.

[jeanine123]

Why didn't you tell her when you picked baby up? Why are you waiting until after you're done watching him today to tell her? If it were me I'd be pretty ticked that my babysitter took matters into her own hands and didn't do what I told her to do when watching my child. I'd much rather she be up front about it instead of waiting until after the fact to address it with me.


Just to be clear, I agree fully with you about not giving baby cereal in the bottle, as you said it's a choking hazard and it's not something I'd be willing to risk with any baby but especially with one I was babysitting.

[eepster]

While you certainly don't have to give it to him, and I absolutely agree with why you don't want to, you needed to be up front about this when she gave you the instructions. Simply disregarding parental instructions without discussing them is not OK.

Discuss it with her, ask her why she started it, explain what you know about this. Then, if she still insists on the cereal, and hasn't given you a reason to change your mind about it; apologize for not being able to follow her wishes and let her decide if she wants to find a new babysitter or if she will let it go a few nights a week.

[Vermillion]

I would tell the mom upfront that it is a choking hazard and that you are not comfortable giving him the cereal and if she insists that it needs to be done, than I would not watch him anymore. I personally agree with you on this, but she is the mom and what she says goes. If you can’t follow her wishes on the care she chooses for her child than you should move on.

Hopefully she will realize that the cereal was bad advice and will reconsider and the issues will be resolved.

Good luck!

[Evergreen]

Originally Posted by Vermillion

but she is the mom and what she says goes. If you can’t follow her wishes on the care she chooses for her child than you should move on.
.

Good luck!

Would it make a difference if I said that she does not have custody? DSS does, so technically what she says doesn't go. This is not something I feel comfortable calling the social worker about but since he is in their custody and I beleive this practice is harmful I don't know if I should. I would mcuh rather talk to her about it and the reasons why I didn't give the cereal when she picks him up. The only reason I didn't address it before is because I hadn't yet decided if I was going to do it or not. I have since decided not to.

[SunshineJ]

It's very possible DSS won't see this as the issue you do - that's up to them. It also depends on who's "allowed" to make decisions about the child. If she is allowed to make the decisions, then if you choose not to accept and follow those decisions you shouldn't be watching the child or should tell her up front. Our DS was on cereal by that age. We never planned on it, never intended for it, but it ended up there were very valid reasons that we and our medical practictioners felt it was necessary. I would have been insanely furious personally if a care provider just chose to disregard something I had specified regarding the care of my child without discussing it with me first. I don't think you're "undermining her parenting" but I do think that your actions could be perceived in a less than favorable way. If you have what you feel to be valid concerns about instructions you've been given, then as a care provider for another persons child you're responsible for discussing those concerns with that parent prior to ignorning the instructions. I've heard some really wierd sounding instructions left by parents over the years and it always surprises me that often there are valid reasons behind the decisions people make for their children.

[Shanelovr]

i would tell her that i wasn't comfortable with it, and if she disagreed then go from there even if it means not watching the baby. it'd make me very angry if i had a person watching ds and not following the plans outlined for him. even if they disagree, it's not there place to make decision, but feel more than welcome to discuss with me any concerns, and let the parent make the decision.

[honey-lilac]

Originally Posted by shanelovr

i would tell her that i wasn't comfortable with it, and if she disagreed then go from there even if it means not watching the baby. It'd make me very angry if i had a person watching ds and not following the plans outlined for him. Even if they disagree, it's not there place to make decision, but feel more than welcome to discuss with me any concerns, and let the parent make the decision.

ita.

[Evergreen]

I spoke to her and told her I didn't give him the cereal. She didn't seem to care one way or the other. I do plan on addressing it with her in greater detail when I see her.

The sw also called. I didn't bring it up with him. He did ask me if I'd be able to take the baby on a more permanent basis. I don't know if I can right now, but I guess that is a whole 'nother thread.

BTW- there is no health reason for this as I previously stated.

[Heavenly]

Wow. IMO you are completely out of line. Not your baby = not your decision. It is her choice whether or not her baby gets cereal at 3 months. I wouldn't personally do it myself, and obviously you wouldn't either, but it is NOT your baby.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

Wow. IMO you are completely out of line. Not your baby = not your decision. It is her choice whether or not her baby gets cereal at 3 months. I wouldn't personally do it myself, and obviously you wouldn't either, but it is NOT your baby.

I don't think OP was out of line. She was upfront with the mom after making the decision not to give it. I'm glad she advocated for this little one- it seemed to be causing the child a lot of discomfort! If my babysitter noticed that something I was doing with my kids was causing a bad reaction I would be exceedingly grateful to have it pointed out to me. Way to go Evergreen!!

[butterfly_mommy]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

I don't think OP was out of line. She was upfront with the mom after making the decision not to give it. I'm glad she advocated for this little one- it seemed to be causing the child a lot of discomfort! If my babysitter noticed that something I was doing with my kids was causing a bad reaction I would be exceedingly grateful to have it pointed out to me. Way to go Evergreen!!

I totally agree! As a childcare worker I have had to at times go against a parents "wishes" as they were not in the best interest of the child and against our centre's policies. Like when a parent would ask us to use CIO for there baby or to "slap" their hand if they bite.

[ashleyhaugh]

i would not give cereal in a bottle either. while i dont agree with solids at that age, if youre going to do it, at least give it with a spoon instead.

im glad youre going to talk to her though

[graceomalley]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

I don't think OP was out of line. She was upfront with the mom after making the decision not to give it. I'm glad she advocated for this little one- it seemed to be causing the child a lot of discomfort! If my babysitter noticed that something I was doing with my kids was causing a bad reaction I would be exceedingly grateful to have it pointed out to me. Way to go Evergreen!!

I totally agree.

[pjs]

I don't think the OP was out of line. Since there was no health reason for it, it would be like taking the baby for a ride in the car without a carseat because the mom said it was fine. As the caregiver, you are entitled to refuse to do things that simply aren't safe and medically necessary as you are the responsible party.

[Jessy1019]

Originally Posted by jeanine123

Why didn't you tell her when you picked baby up? Why are you waiting until after you're done watching him today to tell her? If it were me I'd be pretty ticked that my babysitter took matters into her own hands and didn't do what I told her to do when watching my child. I'd much rather she be up front about it instead of waiting until after the fact to address it with me.

This. You should have told her immediately so that she could have chosen whether or not she wanted to leave the baby with someone who wasn't going to follow her instructions.

I, too, agree with you about the rice cereal . . . but I would not leave my child with a sitter who refused to follow my directions.

[Youngfrankenstein]

Originally Posted by pjs

I don't think the OP was out of line. Since there was no health reason for it, it would be like taking the baby for a ride in the car without a carseat because the mom said it was fine. As the caregiver, you are entitled to refuse to do things that simply aren't safe and medically necessary as you are the responsible party.

I agree. If something is unsafe, it's not a choice.

[Chryseis]

I really don't think you were out of line. It is an unsafe practice and a liability. I think you were fully in your rights to not do it without a doctor's note. Our daycares here are allowed to go against feeding wishes if it is not in the best interest of the child, particularly when it comes to scheduled feedings. Daycares in Iowa absolutely must feed on demand, no allowing a baby to go hungry.

That being said, letting the mother know in advance (and possibly in the future even adding it to your rules/regulations, if you give that info to parents) would have been the best course of action. Although I understand that it was probably really unexpected as a lot of parents just don't do that very much anymore.