Undermining someone else's parenting - Page 3

[KirstenMary]

Originally Posted by Mommy2Austin

I see your point, however I still don't agree that its the same. If the original poster had given banana's instead of the rice cereal then I could see it as the same. She didn't substitute the baby's food source she just eliminated an element that is completely unneccesary and was obviously causing the baby distress. If the OP hadn't talked to the mother about it and just refused to give the baby the cereal I would understand being upset, but she did talk to the mom even if not at the most opportune time (i.e. before she left.)

She talked to the mom after the fact, yes? Completely unacceptable from a CCP. And if the CCP thought the cereal was not necessary, she should have discussed it beforehand. What if there had been some communication between a pedi and the mother and the mother was just following the pedi's advice (as many mothers do)? Gosh, the more I think about this, the angrier I get. If I ever found out that my CCP did anything like this, it would be the LAST day she ever EVER set foot in my house.

The issue here is trust. My children are MY children. I make the parenting choices for MY children, and if my CCP disagrees with my choices, she is free to voice her opinions to me ahead of time, and we are then able to go from there one way or another. But to have anything happen behind my back completely undermines the very foundation of trust that is necessary between a mother and a CCP. If the trust is gone, well, so is that CCP.

[_betsy_]

Respectfully, KirstenMary, this is a bit of a different situation than a straight out Mom and CCP scenario. The mother apparently doesn't have legal custody, DCFS does. The CCP isn't paid directly by the mother, she's an agent of the state (I'm assuming, here).

Yes, as a mother, I'd be furious if my CCP went against my wishes. But, in this case, probably not. Plus, it's not as though she HARMED the child in any way. She didn't withhold food, she withheld an extra that was both, as she saw it, possibly irritating the baby and potentially harmful. If my CCP said to me "I know you wanted me to XYZ but I didn't because of (ABC health concern/irritability) and 123 safety concern" I certainly wouldn't be angry at the CCP. I'd likely be thankful the CCP was thinking, alert to potential problems, and genuinely cared about my child's well being. And again, this situation is different than straight out "parents make the decisions, final."

[KirstenMary]

Originally Posted by _betsy_

Respectfully, KirstenMary, this is a bit of a different situation than a straight out Mom and CCP scenario. The mother apparently doesn't have legal custody, DCFS does. The CCP isn't paid directly by the mother, she's an agent of the state (I'm assuming, here).

Yes, as a mother, I'd be furious if my CCP went against my wishes. But, in this case, probably not. Plus, it's not as though she HARMED the child in any way. She didn't withhold food, she withheld an extra that was both, as she saw it, possibly irritating the baby and potentially harmful. If my CCP said to me "I know you wanted me to XYZ but I didn't because of (ABC health concern/irritability) and 123 safety concern" I certainly wouldn't be angry at the CCP. I'd likely be thankful the CCP was thinking, alert to potential problems, and genuinely cared about my child's well being. And again, this situation is different than straight out "parents make the decisions, final."

Yes, I figured the DCFS situation is coloring opinions, though it shouldn't be. Aren't there many mothers here who have DSS involved in their lives for one reason or another? Should we think less of their parenting decisions because of it? And the fact that the CCP's actions were not harmful is irrelevant. She went against the mother's wishes and only discussed it with the mother after the fact. Yes, the parents DO make the decisions. Unless, because of DCFS, the mother really does have no say at all. If that's the case, then the whole thing is moot anyway.

I seem to remember a deleted thread wherein an au pair decided to make some assumptions about a mother giving her teething baby Tylenol to help the baby sleep. The friend of the au pair was questioning giving it and most mdc members told her to stay out of it.

How is this different?

[_betsy_]

I think everyone on this thread has pretty much told the OP, more or less, to tread lightly on making assumptions on the mother's wishes or deliberately going against her expressed wishes. I think the general tone has been "Maybe you should have checked with her first, but don't beat yourself up over it. What's done is done and you were working in what you felt was the best interest of the child. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that."

I don't think anyone has said "Damn right, you don't give that baby cereal! What a stupid mother! No wonder she doesn't have custody!" I didn't get that vibe at all.

[Mommy2Austin]

Originally Posted by _betsy_

I think everyone on this thread has pretty much told the OP, more or less, to tread lightly on making assumptions on the mother's wishes or deliberately going against her expressed wishes. I think the general tone has been "Maybe you should have checked with her first, but don't beat yourself up over it. What's done is done and you were working in what you felt was the best interest of the child. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that."

I don't think anyone has said "Damn right, you don't give that baby cereal! What a stupid mother! No wonder she doesn't have custody!" I didn't get that vibe at all.

Thats it exactly.

[KirstenMary]

Originally Posted by _betsy_

I think everyone on this thread has pretty much told the OP, more or less, to tread lightly on making assumptions on the mother's wishes or deliberately going against her expressed wishes. I think the general tone has been "Maybe you should have checked with her first, but don't beat yourself up over it. What's done is done and you were working in what you felt was the best interest of the child. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that."

I don't think anyone has said "Damn right, you don't give that baby cereal! What a stupid mother! No wonder she doesn't have custody!" I didn't get that vibe at all.

Just get rid of the bolded.

I saw both extremes of opinion and a bit of midrange, and I'll fully admit that I am a "no way" extreme. That CCP trust is too important to me, and if I am told of something after the fact, that trust is gone.

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

I don't think OP was out of line... Way to go Evergreen!!

Originally Posted by butterfly_mommy

I totally agree! As a childcare worker I have had to at times go against a parents "wishes" as they were not in the best interest of the child and against our centre's policies. Like when a parent would ask us to use CIO for there baby or to "slap" their hand if they bite.

Originally Posted by pjs

I don't think the OP was out of line. Since there was no health reason for it, it would be like taking the baby for a ride in the car without a carseat because the mom said it was fine. As the caregiver, you are entitled to refuse to do things that simply aren't safe and medically necessary as you are the responsible party.

Originally Posted by Youngfrankenstein

I agree. If something is unsafe, it's not a choice.

Originally Posted by Chryseis

I really don't think you were out of line. It is an unsafe practice and a liability. I think you were fully in your rights to not do it without a doctor's note. Our daycares here are allowed to go against feeding wishes if it is not in the best interest of the child, particularly when it comes to scheduled feedings. Daycares in Iowa absolutely must feed on demand, no allowing a baby to go hungry.

That being said, letting the mother know in advance (and possibly in the future even adding it to your rules/regulations, if you give that info to parents) would have been the best course of action. Although I understand that it was probably really unexpected as a lot of parents just don't do that very much anymore.

Originally Posted by lilith1

A CCP not following blindly the wishes of the parents shows independent thinking, the ability to make decisions and ultimately (I would think) the fact that my child receives the care in his/her best interest.

This are abilities that I value in my CCP. I am grateful for letting me know things like colics, gas a.s.o. A chance to collaborate ideas on how to solve problems and to feed on her experience make that person a value for my child and us as parents. No child comes with a manual.
I would like to know before hand or right when issues come up in a timely manner and then discuss this and come to an consensus.

[Polliwog]

I'm a little confused about how the child is in DSS custody but still living with the parent. In most places, a parent who is receiving community support to prevent removal of a child still retains custody but the state has oversight. At least that's been the case for my foster kids and most of the other foster parents I know.

Anyway, I would have told the mother upfront that I wasn't comfortable with adding the cereal to the bottle.

[Evergreen]

Hi. OP here. I am sorry I was not around to clarify. There have been some horrible developments that have nothing to do with the rice cereal. The baby has been diagnosed with hydrocephalus. I had him all weekend and am still quite shaken up. I was able to speak with his ped. and I asked about the rice cereal. He agreed not to give it. He will be having surgery soon and probably a long line of shunts in the future and neither mom or I know if we are able to be full time care givers because of this.

Yes, DSS has custody. Mom has permanent placement and we were both looking forward to her getting custody returned. She specifically picked me to care for him when she can't. I am a relative though not a close one.

The situation has been resolved. Well, the one from the OP. I do believe I did the right thing. I told mom on the phone I would not be giving it due to gas, she seemed fine with it. I told her again when she picked him up about the gas and added because of the choking hazard I didn't feel comfortable ever giving it to him. She said she'd just give it as his 'lunch' bottle instead. When I talked to the ped. about the other health issue I asked if it was recommend and he said he strongly recommends against it especially in a child with other health issues happening. I relayed this info to mom. She seemed annoyed with me but has stopped giving it.

I do appreciate everyone's input though.

[SiobhanAoife]

I'm so sorry to hear that he has this new challenge. I hope things turn out fine for him, and for your whole family.