Do you let your kids cancel playdates? - Page 4

[LaLaLaLa]

I'm another vote for keeping commitments, including a planned playdate. I also have two kids close in age, though, so I wouldn't want one to have to suffer if the other one didn't want to go. Right now they have the same social circle and playdates have always included both kids.

I'm a bit more flexible about play groups, though. With a one-kid (or one-family) playdate, you disappoint the kid if you don't show up and he or she was looking forward to it. My kids are devastated when they've looked forward to someone visiting and then it falls through. But I have a group of friends (about ten moms) who all have kids about the same age. Every Tuesday we plan to meet up, either at a park or at someone's house. Sometimes most of us can make the play group. Sometimes few of us can make the group. It's almost never a one-on-one situation. Most of us are much more flexible about that; if my kids were grouchy and wanted to skip playgroup, or if they were slow getting ready or whatever, I would feel okay not going because I'd know we wouldn't be missed as much, as we wouldn't be the only expected guests.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama

Wow, hot topic

I would assume that an only child wouldn't have to compromise NEARLY as often as a child in a larger family. Common sense would say that the more people (with unique thoughts, feelings, and opinions on every matter in day to day life) in a family the more likely it is that someone will not get their own way at least some of the time. For example, if I say "do you want to go for a walk?" the only child can say yes or no. Easy. Child gets their own way as theirs is the only way to get. In a family (like mine) with 4 children some will say yes, some will say no, some will say the opposite of the sibling they are arguing with, and we all get to talk it out and come up with a solution that makes everyone happy. Multiply that by the 50-100 times per day this comes up and it show you why only kids are "used to getting their own way" at least some of the time and kids in bigger families have a whole lot of experience with compromise (for better or worse).

Why is that offensive? It's just different dynamics!

Dandelionkid, I would totally be annoyed given the circumstances. Sometimes stuff comes up (I have canceled 2 playdates on short notice this week due to an ASD and asthmatic kid who was having multiple meltdowns and therefore not able to play with friends). But that was not the case here as she was still up for you to haul your kids to her house at the last minute regardless of whatever it was YOU were doing at the moment. Not very considerate of your feelings or your dd's feelings. If it were a one time thing it would be no big deal. But as you have said it is part of a larger pattern you have every reason to be frustrated!




And, um, you could have shared the puff pastry......

Thanks! Yes- part of the pattern for sure. I wouldn't feel this way if any of dd's other friends (or cousins ) had to cancel last min. One order of puff pastry coming up

Originally Posted by lilyka

Sometimes at the last minute I decide I am just in no mood to be social and it would suck for everyone. almost to the point of a panic attack. granted I would likely play sick so as not to offend.....but really. Sometimes you just can't do it and I would honor that in my kid. however, I would likely not keep scheduling things if it happened persistantly. but I have never been a big play dat scheduler for this reason. If the mood strikes we usually just call up friend and say "hey wanna come over and play?" really...people plan these things days in advance? I learned early on to not mention playdates to my child until minutes before and then it was "so and so might come over to play today" i mean lets face it....plans change and I try to ease the dissapointment when that happens and give the other pfamily room to do what is best for them without worrying about my childs feelings. And the kids mom did try to keep the dissapointment to a minimum by inviting your child over. There is likely more to the story. I wouldn't be too hard on them.

lets remember, we are talking about 5 year olds here. their whole attitude can change in 5 minutes. she may have been fine 5 minutes earlier but suddenly somehting got into her and she absolutely could not go to that play date. could not leave her mom. could not leave her house. whatever. who knows why. is it really such a big deal that a 5 year old changed her mind at the last minute? about being over at someone elses house?

Also as an adult I understant that some times I would be ok with someone coming over here but I am just not ok with going over to someone elses house. its totally different being at your own house with your friend than going over to theirs. I hate going to other peoples houses. I always feel like i have to get out of there. get back to my house and those social things are torture for me. where at my house we can sit around all day for all I care. perfectly easy to socialize that way.

Yes- I understand that all. I was just telling this friend the day before (she had called me at last min to invite us over) that I really need a day in advance warning. She doesn't accept "no, I can't right now" as an answer but questions "why" every time. I find it really draining to have to explain and it usually isn't a good enough reason for her. I have three young kids and my days are usually really full and I like to know what I am doing in advance- even if it is a morning conversation the day of. Partly my personality and partly practicality. I just don't do "last-minute" that well, especially with this person.

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by LaLaLaLa

I'm another vote for keeping commitments, including a planned playdate. I also have two kids close in age, though, so I wouldn't want one to have to suffer if the other one didn't want to go. Right now they have the same social circle and playdates have always included both kids.

I'm a bit more flexible about play groups, though. With a one-kid (or one-family) playdate, you disappoint the kid if you don't show up and he or she was looking forward to it. My kids are devastated when they've looked forward to someone visiting and then it falls through. But I have a group of friends (about ten moms) who all have kids about the same age. Every Tuesday we plan to meet up, either at a park or at someone's house. Sometimes most of us can make the play group. Sometimes few of us can make the group. It's almost never a one-on-one situation. Most of us are much more flexible about that; if my kids were grouchy and wanted to skip playgroup, or if they were slow getting ready or whatever, I would feel okay not going because I'd know we wouldn't be missed as much, as we wouldn't be the only expected guests.

Play groups are definitely different- I cancel on these last-minute without too much hesitation. I really feel one-on-one play dates need to be honored and "just doesn't feel like it" isn't a good enough reason for me, with this friend especially.

[marybethorama]

My kids love playdates so much, I can't see them canceling them.

That said, when they were younger, I could have seen it happening. Then it was more an issue of not wanting to be away from me.

[octobermom]

For me it would depend. I as of right now still have an only child so she tends to cherish play dates and the chance to be with another child. Shes also getting into the age where she gets "dropped off" to play and that add on a whole diffrent level of "fun" (ohh what I can do without mommy ) Soo overall her saying no especially at the last mintue would be unussual.. But it happens. I have to put on my mommy dedective kit and figure out why.. Is it because shes waching scooby doo and doesn't want to miss the next eposide? Is it because she remembered that 7 months ago her friend eat the last vannila cookie and left her with the dreaded chocolate one and there for suddenly remembered there not friends anymore Is she getting hungry /thirsty and shoud I pack a snack for the car... All these we'd still go bring snacks ect and allow her to deal and work it out. Also reminding her we agreed promised and we need to come..
However is the change because maybe shes comming down with soemthing is she in a REAL cranky mode will me bringing her just end in extreme frustration as she spends the entire time complaining and melting down. : If necessary I will call applogize but explain now is not going to work my DD also realizes if this happens its nap time plain and simple if you were too out f it to honor a planned commitment then your too tired...

Deanna

[~PurityLake~]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

Well I was responding to another "only-child" poster who actually helped give me insight into why I may not have wanted her to come over, in that mood, because she IS persistent, and she does get her way often (as an only child). Her mom admits this. I figured this was pretty common among only children leading to many of the weaknesses AND strengths people associate with "only kids". Same thing with birth-order issues.

Originally Posted by FreeRangeMama

I would assume that an only child wouldn't have to compromise NEARLY as often as a child in a larger family. It's just different dynamics!

Yes, definitely different dynamics here. My stepson was an only child for 8 years. He had to completely adjust his way of thinking, having to all of a sudden consider that other people may want something different and *gasp* actually having to share the duplo legos with his little sisters (technically the legos are the girls toy, not his, but in his mind, everything is his - at least it used to be this way). When my first daughter was 1 year old, he BIT her hand because she touched some crayons he'd left on the floor that he was hoping he could use later that day, : and left scars on the backs of her knuckles from his evil teeth. He was 9 years old! when he did that. Talk about some sense of entitlement and ownership over something that, again, was not even his.

So I know first hand how only's can have a completely different outlook and approach in social situations. There are always exceptions to this rule, but I have read a lot about birth - order. I find it fascinating, especially when it comes to blended families in which the order gets changed once, twice, three times throughout childhood or even altered in adulthood a couple times.

[lilyka]

Originally Posted by Dandelionkid

She doesn't accept "no, I can't right now" as an answer but questions "why" every time. I find it really draining to have to explain and it usually isn't a good enough reason for her.

oh good heavens that would be annoying!! Who cares why and what business is it of hers. I am just not a planner because i never know how we will be feeling a couple days from now. the most we do is a couple of hours. And that may mean fewer playdates but I have never really been a fan of playdates anyway...