How do I let it go?

[Heavenly]

My SIL had a beautiful baby boy two weeks ago. I sent her info on circumcision during the pregnancy and we didn't really discuss it further. Her DH is circumcised as is his whole family (he has four brothers and his one brother has two boys). Also her husband is a very dominating guy and she is very docile. Anyway I have been helping her constantly with my nephew since he was born. I have been with her 7 out of the 15 days since he was born. Her husband works away during the week so she has been staying here on the days he's gone. Basically I am around this baby way more than the average aunt. I change his diapers, bring him to mom to nurse, bathe him, whatever help she needs. So I assumed that since he was already 2 weeks old that they had decided to leave him intact. And I was very happy about that! So yesterday I asked her about it and she said that they are still planning to get him circumcised, maybe when he is around a month old. My jaw literally dropped! She admits she is totally against it but it's what her DH's family believes so she's not going to argue it. I admit I was very blunt and described to her what they are going to do to him and she just replied that that is why she wasn't going to go, her DH was going to take him. I am just soooooo upset about this, I literally feel sick to my stomach. This isn't just an abstract child to me anymore, this is my beautiful nephew who I love with all my heart. This is a child who I will be helping take care of at least 4 days a week for quite awhile. It makes me want to cry that he is going to have this done to him. It is disgusting! It is barbaric! And it's not like she doesn't have a good example of uncircumcised males in her life, my DH's family is Greek and none of them are circumcised. I told DH that I don't think I am going to be able to change his diapers or bathe him anymore. I'm not going to be able to look at that bloody, raw wound and know that he used to be whole and perfect. I just don't think I will be able to stomach it. But at the same time this is family and if I all of a sudden refuse to help they are going to know why and that will probably not go over well. How in the world can I let this go? How can I still continue to be actively involved in my nephew's life when I can't deal with this issue? There is no point try to educate further or stop this from happening as her DH has made up his mind and SIL will never defy what he wants.

[Heavenly]

Wow. 59 views and no one has an encouraging word?

[MommytoB]

Since its not done yet . Just start complaining how much extra work you will have to if that baby gets circ'ed because it is extra work. I took care of a circ'ed boy after he had been Pooing ugh a pain to get the feces off his glans and their was it stuck in his remants . Along with fuzzy carpet and lint from what not ! It took me around 15 minutes ! With my intact son is just a quick wipe ! If it got stuck on the balls he would get a bath soak!

[Fellow Traveler]

I think the problem is it's hard to know what to say, kwim? You've done the best you could and you should feel good about that. Since your SIL is clearly against and it isn't yet done, I might continue to try and subtlety lean on her. Her husband might appear over bearing but I am sure there are times she gets what she wants too.

If it is done or imminently going to be done you should probably make one last appeal similar to what you posted here and make sure she knows why your behavior has changed, why for example you will be unwilling to bath or change him. Some people might advocate cutting them off but I don't think that is productive because there are plenty of people who take a different route the next time, if they have someone there to lead them.

I am not sure if this is what you're looking for, but it's something . It's just so difficult to know what to do in this situation.

[Heavenly]

I sent her a link to the video Circumcision Decision last night. Then I laid awake until 3am worried that I had crossed the line. Oh well, it can't be undone now. I don't think there is any chance she can change his mind but I am kind of hoping the video will horrify her so much that she will just put her foot down and say she is not doing that to her baby. Not much chance of that though, she doesn't go against what he wants.

[Fellow Traveler]

Originally Posted by Heavenly

I sent her a link to the video Circumcision Decision last night. Then I laid awake until 3am worried that I had crossed the line. Oh well, it can't be undone now. I don't think there is any chance she can change his mind but I am kind of hoping the video will horrify her so much that she will just put her foot down and say she is not doing that to her baby. Not much chance of that though, she doesn't go against what he wants.

Perhaps Penn and Teller video? It's difficult at this point though I understand that. Your final stand might best be to explain why you won't be able to help with those things anymore but you know it isn't the boy's fault and still want to be there for him. Just a thought.

[jessjgh1]

This is a tough one to offer advice for... You say you won't refuse to help them out because they are family... but you could just say you can't help (and give a timeframe) because being around your nephew while he is recovering would be too emotional for you.
If YOU can't let it go or don't want to, then you need to speak up now.

Jessica

[Yulia_R]

Perhaps it is just me, but if i were you, I would have felt obliged to speak out for the baby who can't, for the baby whom I love with all my heart. Obviously, speaking to your SIL is useless; she is too weak to protect her son. I would speak directly to her husband, try to educate him. Crossing the line is the last thing I’d worry about when it comes to protecting someone I love. But this is just me...

[nummies]

Sometimes it is really hard to let it go. My nephew will be born at the end of this month and he will have the same fate. It is hard.

[Heavenly]

I haven't heard from her and I know she's been on the computer because she updated her facebook status. So she is either just going to ignore it completely and pretend I never sent it or she is pissed off at me. I don't regret sending it because if something bad happens I would not be able to live with myself if I hadn't tried everything I could. I really do hope that she watches it and it makes a difference but I am not holding out much hope. I have decided I will not be able to change his diaper or bathe him until he is healed because I just do not want any part of it.

[robertandenith]

why dont you start posting intactivists videos in your facebook page?

http://www.youtube.com/user/Bonobo3D

or add a bunch of us, we can help out with commenting on your links, videos, posts...?

http://www.facebook.com/enithhernandez

the baby with one month of age will need general anesthesia, that's VERY risky it's linked with brain damage.

Pls add me and I will tell my intactivists friend to add you, then we all can comment in your links and posts, etc....

[hakunangovi]

This is an awkward situation, and really feel for you. The frustration must be immense.

I agree with the others that stated that you need to make your feelings known to your SIL. Not that it looks likely that she will protect her son, but just so that she does not feel betrayed after the fact. It is obvious that if your nephew is to have his foreskin saved, the only avenue is through his father. Is there any way to get through to him? Would your DH or some other man you know be willing to try and disuade him? His reasoning is rediculous (as we all here understand) - but in his mind it is valid.

Good luck - we are all thinking of you.

[RiverSky]

I think I would make a huge stink. I would sit down with the dad and the mom and I would bring a packet of information, saying that if they insist on mutilating their child, you will no longer have any contact with them. Or at least that you will not be able to help them out with the boy until he no longer needs his diaper changed, that you just can't handle it. That it makes you feel as if they are planning to rape him and it brings out the hugest amount of rage you have ever felt and it is just not healthy for you to be around them, knowing they are going to torture their own helpless boy, leaving him no choice about his own body at all.

Perhaps if you show such incredibly strong feelings, the baby might have a chance.. Might.

Good luck and strength to you.

[tutucrazy]

I hope you will keep fighting. You are the only voice that sweet little boy has. You never know what will reach out and touch her. Start posting things on your facebook. The youtube videos mentioned above are great. There are many great ones on there to help you. I would not be afraid of speaking out. If you don't say anything then your nephews voice is lost. Keep at it, don't give up.

My brother recently had a boy and circed him despite tons of info. I was sad but I know I did everything I could. I didn't stop until it was too late.

[Crunchiemomma]

That is very tough!! If you add me to your facebook I'd be happy to post supporting your intactivists videos.

I wouldn't give up though. Keep with educating her and hopefully she will see the light.

[Yulia_R]

Originally Posted by RiverSky

I think I would make a huge stink. I would sit down with the dad and the mom and I would bring a packet of information...

:

[Heavenly]

Thank you for all the tips. Like I said I already sent written info and now the video. There was no response to either. I feel I have done what I can do and while it still breaks my heart I am glad I gave them the info. I am not willing to cut off family over this issue and I am especially not willing to not see my nephew over it. I have already decided I will not be changing his diapers or bathing him anymore and if my SIL asks why I will tell her. As to taking to her DH that is just not going to happen. First of all I don't know him that well. They have only been together 2 years and just got married 5 weeks before the baby was born. Second he is not going to listen, plain and simple. He has 3 brothers, they are all circed. His brother's boys are circed. In his mind it is the norm. I send them all the info that I could and I hope against hope that maybe it made an impant.

[Noelle C.]

Have her watch a video of the actual process.

[elanorh]

I am assuming this is your dh's sister?

What if both you and your husband visited with them BOTH (ASAP) and telling them BOTH that while you love them both and baby too, you feel very strongly that this is something that should wait until baby is old enough to decide on his own, whether he wants to be circ'd. Mention the MRSA issues etc.

And (if you can afford it) offer to be the ones who pay for it, if your nephew wants to be circ'd when he's 18.

I would wager that it is really really unlikely that he would want to be circ'd at that point. You could mention that at that point, it would be less likely that he'd end up with some of the complications which accompany infant circumcision, including the issues of having an open wound exposed to urine and feces.

Do you think they would be open to this? The problem of course, is that they might take you up on it, and if nephew does decide he wants a circ, then what would you do?!

[phrogger]

Well not sure about their Dr.'s, but around here, they will not do it after 1 month old, so maybe lagging and holding off will help. If the dad is busy working all the time, when will he find time to cut off his sons penis?