Houseguest-help!

[mom0810]

SO, I have a good friend who is moving and needs a place to stay in between moving day and closing (4 days).

She kind of invited herself to my house for those 4 days and I am having a really hard time telling her NO. You see, I have two children, one is 3 and one is 1. My house is disorganized with various projects in different stages of completion. My husband has been laid off for 2 1/2 months. Our marriage is kind of fragile right now. I don't think I can handle a guest at my home.

I did tell her that her dogs could stay here in the interim, I don't have an issue with that, I have show dogs of my own and always have dogs here. Dogs are not a big deal. But another person? I don't even have a bed for her, food has been a stress to pay for... I just feel really overwhelmed.

I did call her yesterday and tell her how overwhelmed I am and how my marriage is not doing that well. Her response was that she would help while she was here by watching the kids! She is just not hearing me, kwim?

The other problem is that I have really bad OCD about my house and my kids and germs and stuff. What if she doesn't wash her hands like we do? Am I being too picky? I am very very stressed about this and feel like I don't need it with everything else going on.

What would you do? I have tried to tell her it's too much, but she doesn't listen. How blunt should I be?

[Teensy]

If she is a "good friend" and is in "need" then is it possible that you could alter your mind frame and allow her to stay with you? Maybe look at the good parts - could she take the kids to the park for an hour or two while you tackle a project? Would you and DH be able to go for a long walk and talk since she could babysit?

Personally, I find parties and guests the perfect inspiration to get my house in order. Maybe it is an upside for you?

If you truly can not have her stay with you, just tell her clearly and fast so she can make other arrangements, "I am sorry, I didn't know how to say no before, but we really can't have anyone stay with us this month. Let me know when you want to drop off the dogs."

[mom0810]

The other thing I forgot to mention is that her son lives 16 miles away. She is going to stay with him after closing. But she wants to be here until then because I am closer to her house.

I am trying to look at it positively, but having a really hard time doing so.

[dachshundqueen]

Given your home situation, I would flat out tell her that while the dogs are welcome neither your home nor your marital relationship can withstand the stress that a house guest, even a temporary one, would bring. A good friend will understand. Her son is nearby and she can stay with him or she can find other accommodations for 4 days.

Liz

[ChetMC]

If you're going to tell her no you need to do it ASAP. The more time she has to make alternate arrangements, give her son a head's up if she going there, etc. the better. Telling her she can't stay at your place after she's spent two weeks planning to is way worse that being told no from the beginning.

My mom is the worst person for agreeing to something and then calling me two days before to say that she's been thinking it over, and she doesn't think she can do it afterall. I always wish she'd have thought about it right away and said no as soon as she knew... but it takes her a long time to get up the courage to say no to people.

That said, our house is small, it's a disaster, we have three kids, one bathroom and my friend and her boyfriend have been crashed here for two years. House guests don't bother me, but I make it clear that we're running a refugee camp not a hotel... here is your bed/coach/airmattress, your blanket and your towel. The fridge is in the kitchen, and the grocery store is across the road, and the bus stops out front. Houseguests don't need to be stressful.

[mom0810]

Well the thing is, she's going to her son's anyway after she's done staying here. So if she went for the 4 days she is planning on staying here, it really wouldn't be a big deal, Kwim?

I just don't think I can handle it, and I have told her so twice but she keeps saying how she is going to help while she is here, watch the kids, etc. But she is 70 years old and can't really do much to watch the kids... they are boys and very rambunctious and physical. She doesn't do stairs well and we have a very steep staircase... it is just worrying me so much.

Forgot to add that her son will take her, not the dogs. So I agreed to take the dogs a long time ago, but she said she will just stay here with the dogs until the closing to get the dogs settled, etc. Plus I'm closer to her house. But I never said "yes" or "no"... just explained how stressed I am lately and that I think it might all be too much. She didn't take it how I intended...

[SleeplessMommy]

You need to call her and tell her directly it won't work and give a simple reason. (doesn't have to be a good reason, just a reason.)

Some samples
"There is swine flu going around my kid's school"
"I am overwhelmed"
"We have a major plumbing failure and they are opening the walls to look for the source of the leak"
"We just had a round of bad food poisoning and can't figure out which thing in the fridge we need to throw away."
"My husband has been secretly attracted to you for years and I am afraid he won't be able to control his long repressed urges."

The important thing is to communicate "No, I am sorry it won't be possible." Repeat until understood. Right now you are just hinting at it.

[mom0810]

Sleepless mommy, thank you for making me smile this morning.


I know I need to do this. I just am shocked that she hasn't picked up on it, you know?

[elsie]

And in a worse case scenario call the son and explain it to him - you'd love to take the dogs but not the mom. He'll probably understand and can help you.

[Sailor]

I am never subtle when it comes to things like this. Simply because I want to make very certain the person understands me. Plus, you'd be surprised at hoe many people never pick up on something that sounds obvious to you. Maybe, to her, it just sounds like you're venting as opposed to trying to tell her that you can't have house guests.

You need to say "I'm sorry, but you can't stay with me right now. I have too much going on in my life." Just say it in a nice tone of voice.

[mom0810]

Hi,

I told her this morning. I am so nervous but i hope she understands. Since I had tried to tell her both in person AND on the phone, I sent her an email this morning and explained that right now is such a bad time and that I am willing to help her in any other way. I am taking her dogs on, one of which is pregnant, and I will be whelping the puppies here for her before that dog goes to its new home in AZ. I feel like that is a lot and my dh has been over at her house two days a week helping her to get ready for her moving sale and fixing things for her closing... I feel like we have already done a lot and that staying here is just one more thing and we really can't handle it right now.

Thanks so much for your advice, everyone.

[Sailor]

I'm sure she'll understand. I mean, you ARE doing a lot for her. Keeping her dogs, whelping the puppies ... that's above and beyond the call of friendship. If I had friends like you, I'd count myself lucky. Speaking of which ... you don't happen to live in CA, do you? Cause sometimes my GSD needs a place to stay.

[mom0810]

LOL, thanks Sailor!

No, I live in the Midwest. But I wish I could live in Cali, and if I did I am sure I could take care of your dogger. I LOVE GSD's. :