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Need advice, please

post #1 of 28
Thread Starter 
My DP's little girl started to play baseball and her mother (my DP's ex) decided to go to every game (even when it's our days taking care of her).

I really want to go support my DSD and watch the games as a family. Do you guys think I should not attend the games and let the mom and dad go? Or should I attend them even though I know it will really bother the mother?

My DSD would love for her mom and I to meet and get along. I'm open to this, but her mother isn't.

Thanks for the help.
post #2 of 28
Iam kind of in the same boat as you except I am the mother. I would say go have fun and cheer her on. How difficult is the mother?
post #3 of 28
Thread Starter 
The mother's sole purpose in life is to make our lives miserable. She's tried to ruin our relationship from day 1.
post #4 of 28
With that in mind I would talk to your DP and see what he says. Have you ever met her or talked to her?
post #5 of 28
If your presence really pisses mom off AND it is a relatively new relationship, I would consider a "compromise" of going just to the games that fall on your DP's parenting time.

I'm not one to pussy-foot around mom, but in my experience, it made life easier in the long-run to cater to mom a little bit where I could while she adjusted to the idea of my permanancy in her daughter's life.
post #6 of 28
Can you go and just sit apart and not interact with her mom? Or would that make things awkward for you dsd?

How long have you and dp been together?

If it is a new relationship, I agree that you should just go on your dp's parenting time and try to "ease" her mom into your place in her daughter's life. If you think she would be openly hostile to you in front of your dsd, then I would probably not go at all unless your dsd specifically asked you to.
post #7 of 28
Thread Starter 
Thank you so much for all the help.

I would definitely only go to the games that fall on our days with my DSD (so would my DP). I just know that the mom will be there too.

My DP and I have been together for 3 years and we already have a baby girl of our own (whom I'd be bringing to the games as well).
post #8 of 28
I think you and DP should try to go to all if not then maybe a few more than you have her but thats me
post #9 of 28
I think you should go whenever you feel like it, but I would talk to your dsd and to see how she feels about the whole thing. If she says it will make her happy - don't even think twice about it.
post #10 of 28
3 years and a sibling... yeah, at that point I would go when you want to.
post #11 of 28
Yeah, I would go to the games. Just be polite and keep an eye on how it's affecting dsd. If the tension is truly terrible, it may be better to step back for a bit for dsd's sake. But I would say give it a while and see if her mom might get used to you being around.
post #12 of 28
At this point, I would definitely be going to the games, no question.

And I am one that usually errs on the side of caution of stepping back, not trying to infringe on the mom's territory,even though DSD is with us ~60% of the time, I really try to stay in my place.

DH actually tells me to speak up and bond with DSD a little more. I have always kept my distance because - hey, I'm not her mom. But I do sometimes feel like I have done a disservice to DSD and my relationship by erring to far on the side of caution.

Given all that, let me tell you, I would definitely be at any activity that DH deemed important enough to go to. And there would be no question if it fell on our parenting time - the whole tribe would be there.

At the three-year point, obviously you are in it for the long haul. Try to focus more on your relationship with your DSD instead of her mother's insecurities. I wish I would have.
post #13 of 28
I would say go. I have told X that he is more than welcome to come and participate at any event DS partcipates in. That's "neutral" territory to me. X has only done this once, when it fell on his parenting time, but if it happened more, I would have to suck it up and deal with him being there. Hmm, maybe if I told him I didn't want him there he would go...Anyways, back to my point. It's about the kids, really, and if it means putting differences aside for an hour to watch a game, sitting on different sides of the field, so be it.
post #14 of 28
I attended games, etc.., and I don't think it made much of a difference. The mom was so angry that her X was going! She would never share schedules, etc, so he had to contact coaches himself when they were little. She once told him that she would take her son off the soccer field if DH appeared. DH asked his son about the soccer game and if he wanted him to come. His response was so casual and relaxed, "yeah, sure" --that we realized that he didn't have a clue what was going on. DH went, but that time I didn't go. And of course she did not pull her son out of the game.
DH leanred pretty early on not to come up to the kids after the games, etc, when the mom was there, because her attitude was incredible. However, he always made sure to wave, etc, to let them know he was there, and he'd call them about it later.
It's important to resist these impulses to withdraw out of fear of conflict.
Now, we notice that the X is often not there during special events, games, etc. and surely the kids notice it too. And I know they have appreciated DH and my attendance.
post #15 of 28
Quote:
The mother's sole purpose in life is to make our lives miserable.
Do you really believe she's going to these games to make your lives miserable? Or is she going to support her daughter?

For me the decision would be a fairly easy one based on one question; how does this effect the little girl? Is there tension? Does it stress her out? The purpose is for this little girl to have fun playing baseball, if you can all be there and it's fine, then go. If not, then don't go.
post #16 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
For me the decision would be a fairly easy one based on one question; how does this effect the little girl? Is there tension? Does it stress her out? The purpose is for this little girl to have fun playing baseball, if you can all be there and it's fine, then go. If not, then don't go.
But at what point does it stop? At what point does the stepmom get to stop being left out of things because Mom can't handle her being there and it causes tension? Would the little girl be more upset at the tension, or that her stepmom never comes to her events?
post #17 of 28
My questions: has dp ever introduced the two of you? That would be a good start. He needs to do this to let the mom (ex) know you are there for good and he is on your side. Does he sit with her there or would he sit with you in a different place? Since there seems to be no getting along, I would assume you and he would sit on your own, away from her.

Have you discussed any of these things with him? What's his feeling on it all? Does he take up for her or you? Does he want you there?

Since you aren't sure what you should do, it seems like it's something you both should have a heart to heart about. I have an ex and these are things my dh and I worked out immediately so we always showed my ex he couldn't separate us and our feelings. We are always united in front of him, even if there's some little misunderstanding. We always discuss it at home, when he's not around. HTH
post #18 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
Do you really believe she's going to these games to make your lives miserable? Or is she going to support her daughter?

For me the decision would be a fairly easy one based on one question; how does this effect the little girl? Is there tension? Does it stress her out? The purpose is for this little girl to have fun playing baseball, if you can all be there and it's fine, then go. If not, then don't go.
I know you mean well, but apparently, you don't have an ex. If you stop doing things with/for your kids because of what the ex does, you might as well give that person sole custody. What we should do as parents is take the high road, meaning even if the other person involved is being ugly, I will refrain from making comments and be as nice as I can. But I'm not in charge of how the other person acts or treats their child because of it. A child raised in this type of situation has to learn both sides of it and will grow up to see the truth eventually.

My ex hates my dh. Why? Because "his" kids LOVE my dh! And always have. But I would have NEVER allowed my ex to use manipulation to keep my dh from going somewhere. And as hard as it has been for the kids to watch all this happen, we have taken the high road and not treated the ex and his wife ugly. Yet they still continue to treat us this way...

Our kids know the difference now!
post #19 of 28
Kill the Mom with kindness.

Go to the games and don't ever show that it bothers you, no matter what she does. Just smile and say hi, ask how she is doing etc.

Maybe she will warm up one day...

But, definitely GO!

In the begining things were more tense between DSD's Mom and I, but things have definitely evolved for the better over the years. Her and I actually attended DSD's orientation night at DSD's new school without H a couple weeks ago.

But, I would keep DSD's relationship forefront of your mind. After three years, I am sure you are important to her, and she probably loves you being at these games... so I wouldn't worry about her Mom, and just go to support your DSD.
post #20 of 28
Quote:
But at what point does it stop? At what point does the stepmom get to stop being left out of things because Mom can't handle her being there and it causes tension? Would the little girl be more upset at the tension, or that her stepmom never comes to her events?
I don't know at what point it stops but I generally try to take things one day at a time. If this is what my kid needs today, then good and tomorrow is another day.

Honestly, I have yet to meet adult child of divorce who've told me they were glad their stepmother/father kept coming to events inspite of the tension and quite a few who've shared stories of wishing none of their parents had come to games/graduation/their wedding because of the unspoken, ever present tension.

I don't have an exhusband, and I've not seen it in this thread, but far too often I've seen children's activies and big days used as the modern day way of, excuse my language, pissing to mark ones territory. In one year I had two good friends who had to deal with the "crisis" of divorced parents current spouses being upset with my friend that she wanted a picture of just her and her parents.

As I said, I don't have an ex but it is strange for me to read, especially here of all places where children are so respected, that the default is to put the adults feelings ahead of the kids.
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