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Need advice, please - Page 2

post #21 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
I don't know at what point it stops but I generally try to take things one day at a time. If this is what my kid needs today, then good and tomorrow is another day.

Honestly, I have yet to meet adult child of divorce who've told me they were glad their stepmother/father kept coming to events inspite of the tension and quite a few who've shared stories of wishing none of their parents had come to games/graduation/their wedding because of the unspoken, ever present tension.

I don't have an exhusband, and I've not seen it in this thread, but far too often I've seen children's activies and big days used as the modern day way of, excuse my language, pissing to mark ones territory. In one year I had two good friends who had to deal with the "crisis" of divorced parents current spouses being upset with my friend that she wanted a picture of just her and her parents.

As I said, I don't have an ex but it is strange for me to read, especially here of all places where children are so respected, that the default is to put the adults feelings ahead of the kids.
I don't know about this. You may be right but I do know that my DSS has several times expressed that he wants everyone, his whole family, to be in one place together and he does better when everyone is getting along. Maybe he wouldn't want this if we had more tension but I know since our relationships have less tension and we are around each other more and his brother, my DS, can go to his mom's house to play he is a happier kid.

ETA: I also think that for someone who has spend his entire life with everything in his life split in half he benefits greatly seeing the people in his life have some unity celebrating him even if it is hard and uncomfortable for the grown ups.
post #22 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by lvngmm View Post
I would definitely only go to the games that fall on our days with my DSD (so would my DP).
Your DP should go to all of his daughter's games.

If you have a good relationship with your SD, it will be hard enough on her to have you and her baby sister go to only half her games. But if that's what you decide to do, she will probably have a sense of why that's happening (that you're trying to be considerate of what a hard time her mother seems to have, sharing her).

But it is unhealthy for your daughter to see that one of her parents would miss half her games because of her other parent. That's just wrong. Whether your DP wants to avoid his ex or whether he thinks his ex wants to avoid him (and who knows which thing the little girl believes!?!?), the parents' animosity should not cause either of them to miss any of her games, her recitals, her school plays, her parent-teacher conferences, her religious ceremonies - anything.

It tells her they have the wrong set of priorities; that:
1- Their conflict comes before the important events in her life; and
2- Her Dad is only her parent during "his" parenting time. Outside that, he's not part of her life. That may be exactly how his ex wants it. His ex might make his life hell if he doesn't butt out of their daughter's life during "her" parenting time. But he should be willing to go through hell for his daughter. And he should want to see every point she scores.

BTW, I'm not saying you should necessarily skip half her games, either. I'm just saying if you decide to, it's a little different than if her dad does.
post #23 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Thisbirdwillfly View Post
I don't know at what point it stops but I generally try to take things one day at a time. If this is what my kid needs today, then good and tomorrow is another day.

Honestly, I have yet to meet adult child of divorce who've told me they were glad their stepmother/father kept coming to events inspite of the tension and quite a few who've shared stories of wishing none of their parents had come to games/graduation/their wedding because of the unspoken, ever present tension.

I don't have an exhusband, and I've not seen it in this thread, but far too often I've seen children's activies and big days used as the modern day way of, excuse my language, pissing to mark ones territory. In one year I had two good friends who had to deal with the "crisis" of divorced parents current spouses being upset with my friend that she wanted a picture of just her and her parents.

As I said, I don't have an ex but it is strange for me to read, especially here of all places where children are so respected, that the default is to put the adults feelings ahead of the kids.
See, it sounds to me like the OP and PPs are focusing on the needs of the child-the child's need to have all of her parents involved in her life balanced with the child's need to not have to see any nasty outbursts that result from the stepmom showing up at her games. I don't get the impression anyone is telling the OP to go to the games just to spite her dsd's mom or in spite of dsd not wanting her to go. Sounds like she wants to go see her stepdaughter play and her dsd wants her to be there.

OP-since this is obviously a long-term relationship and you consider yourself her stepmom, I think you should go to your dsd's games if you want to/she wants you to. I agree with PP that your dp should be able to go to any games whether it is his parenting time or no. School/sports events etc. are commonly seen to be "neutral territory", and I assume there is the option to just sit apart from you dsd's mom.
post #24 of 28
I remember, early on, asking my stepson if it was OK if I went to his first basketball game, and him saying instantly, "you'd better be there!". This was at a time of *intense* tensions between his mom and dad (and his mom has barely spoken to me in 8 years; that that point she couldn't even say hi). Years later, we started getting unsolicited thank yous for having attended things. I don't think he's lying.
post #25 of 28
Thread Starter 
Hi. First, I want to say thank you to everyone for giving me such genuine advice. I went to a couple of the games so far and the mom gave me a mean look and then ignored me the whole time. It was uncomfortable and stressful for all the adults involved but my DSD loved having us all there. She did ask me after the game: "Did you notice how my mom didn't say 'hello' back to you? She told me she doesn't like you." Of course it broke my heart; she seemed clearly saddened by her mom's comment. I told her I was sad to hear that because her mom doesn't really know me. I now keep having to deal with the mom badmouthing me. I guess that happens.

What I wanted to say is that I didn't want to go to the games because I wanted to mark territory, nor because I thought my DSD would be upset if I didn't go. The main reason I wanted to go (and this keeps coming up with other situations) is that I really want to create and have a family, a real family. I am convinced that if my DP and I don't put in the effort and make sure we all do things together when DSD is with us, that's never going to happen. I don't think DSD will automatically feel like we're a family, and I think this sense of belonging to something so good can only benefit everyone involved, including my little baby.

So, I have a really hard time when people tell me to let my DP do things alone with his DD. It's not that I don't want to give them time alone; I just want to solidify this family unit, doing things together for a while. DSD loves me and the time we all have together. It's going to be hard enough to have bad things being said about me to her all the time. And I've been really fighting to not have my family divided (my DP and DSD vs our new baby and me.) I haven't been married before and I don't have kids from previous relationships.... can I still get to have this family I always dreamed of? or do I have to give that up?
post #26 of 28
I've been in your position for 4 yrs, with older stepchildren, and I say, never give up on this dream. We try our best to do things as a family as much as possible, given the children's age differences. It pays off.
post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by ProtoLawyer View Post
Would the little girl be more upset at the tension, or that her stepmom never comes to her events?
A question best answered by the little girl, I think.
post #28 of 28
You don't have to give up your dream but I do think you need to be mindful of the fact that you live with her dad full time and she doesn't. Over time she will have to deal with her feelings about the fact that her father does live with one of his children full time but not her. She needs special time with Dad alone where his attention is not subdivided with you and the child you have together. That only becomes an "us vs. them" thing if you invest in that pov.

I grew up with parents who stayed together and some of my best memories are having my Dad or my Mom to myself while the other parent was with my sister. I still cherish time I spend with groups of people I love and the one-on-one time that I also carve out with individuals.
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