DH possible Bipolar Disorder--advice please! - Page 2

[Peacemamalove]

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[willibug]

More thanks to everyone!

Well, my third therapy session has come and gone. This time I went alone, and she and I were able to discuss the last session, when DH and I went together. I was happy and relieved to learn that she absolutely "got" both DH and how our relationship generally functions. I feel like that validation alone lifted a huge burden from my shoulders. She saw that, while he was complaining about my lack of communication skills, he was sabotaging every effort I made at communication. That he has a victim's mentality, and thinks that he should be applauded for every effort he makes in the family and relationship, while not appreciating all of the hard work I put in. How he views EVERYTHING as my responsibility and problem. How he constantly projects his issues onto me. Gosh, it seems a pretty bleak picture writing it out like that!

Anyway, as far as a way forward goes, getting him to the psychiatrist is ideal. But we can't MAKE him go. And since he already has a history of medication noncompliance, she couldn't be very hopeful for the future on that front. What we CAN do is try to bring him to therapy and try to work on some issues together, and I can bring a list of goals as well as behaviors I absolutely will not tolerate. He, of course, can do the same. But I mentioned this to him, and he said he's never going back. But then he says things like that. So who knows.

She said she has seen some people make deep and lasting changes. Other people either can't, or won't. So I need to think about my options, and to "get my ducks in a row" if I might need to think towards leaving, as I will need to do if the abusiveness does not stop.

So there you go!

It's a complicated picture. I don't work, the kids are homeschooled, we have a lot of debt and no money to my name, and the house would need to be sold.

I feel totally overwhelmed.

[Carley]

If you get to a place in which you need to leave, call a lawyer specializing in marraige & family. They should consult you via phone for free & advise you on what steps you can take to protect yourself legally (e.g. leaving or not leaving your residence, restraining orders etc)

For instance, if I were in your situation (verbally abusive husband) in Washington State, my husband would be legally obligated to pay for an apartment for me & my child to reside since our home would be unsafe. He would also be legally obligated to continue to support us.

I would also qualify for "Displaced Homemaker" benefits from the state.

I know it's overwhelming - I hope the best for you, whatever that means. Know that no matter what happens you have options

[willibug]

Thanks, Carley!

It would just be SO much better, on so many levels for ALL of us if DH could step up to the plate and take responsibility for his issues! But I must accept that I cannot control his side of things, and that I cannot stay with him and subject myself and our dear children to this situation as it stands. I have wonderful, supportive friends and family. I have a good therapist now, and I am tapped into the network of the local women's shelter, where I have an awesome caseworker. I need to set out clear boundaries and time limits now, I think. It looks like I might be eligible for legal help through legal aid and, if I am, I hope to see a lawyer while DH is away on business in a couple of weeks, just to feel out my options.

This isn't what I signed up for! I just need to keep thinking positively, working on myself while supporting DH as best as I can, and being grateful for all that I *do* have in this life.

I am strong! I can do whatever it turns out I have to do! (If I keep telling myself that, it'll be true, right??)

[yogachick79]

Yes, keep telling yourself that because it is true. You did NOT sign up for this and you are trying to be supportive and work through this with him. Ultimately it is his decision and if he chooses not to function for the family then there is nothing you can do but leave. It's sad, heartbreaking even, but you have to do what is best for you and the kids and staying in an abusive relationship is not that.

I agree that seeing a lawyer while he is out of town sounds easiest. If he is working, has anyone at work noticed his irrational behavior?

[willibug]

Hello, everyone! It's been over six months since I started this thread, and I just thought today that I should really come back over for an update, in case anyone who was following might be interested in how we're doing.

I don't really know where to start, other than to say that life is dramatically better for me, my dh, and our family. It's nothing short of miraculous!

DH had seen a string of therapists, who were not helpful, and tried and quit a couple of different medications, one of which was disastrous. I'd found a great therapist who was tremendously supportive to me. And then finally our GP recommended a new therapist to DH, and he WENT! He had reached the point where he was saying he'd never go to another one, so I was thrilled he went. And then she asked to see me. I'd had an awful experience with one provider he had who just did not believe me when I told her what was really happening with DH. But she did! And I loved her! And dh likes her, too! Well, she thought that the info I gave her filled in a lot of gaps, and it seemed clear to her dh has bipolar. In conjunction with our GP, she put him on 2 meds, Wellbutrin and Celexa, and they are magical! I have my dh back! He can be himself, a nice, funny, and intelligent person who's a really good husband and dad. Our home is peaceful! I am so thankful. Dh will not use the B word, and I think he's still in denial about his diagnosis, but he accepts that he has issues, and that the medications have changed his, and our, life. I can live with all of that! I realize that there may still be ups and downs, but I just must hope and pray that the downs are manageable, and that we're now better equipped to get back on track.

All for now. I hope that this outcome can give a bit of hope to anyone else out there who's living with a partner with mental illness. I know it helped me to read anything positive when we were at our lowest.

[Satori]

I'm glad you have your DH back Meds can really help when you find the right ones

[trus]

Willibug!
What a wonderful woman you are! Congratulations and all the best to your family! Thank you so much for the update! You are truly a gift of God sent to your DH! You are so strong not to quit during hardship and win!

[yogachick79]

I am so glad that things have gotten better for all of you! You had so much going on, it's wonderful that he agreed to see just one more

[babycarrier]

thanks for your update. you rock momma

[KatWrangler]

Wonderful news to hear!

[willibug]

Thanks you for your kind words, everyone. Living with someone with mental illness is one of the hardest jobs around. I am thankful every day now for modern medicine. You can say all you want about the evil profit-driven pharmaceutical corporations, but it can't be denied that they can sometimes give people their lives back. And, in our case, save families. Hang in there, all you spouses! There IS hope, and it might be just around the next corner.