I could use a helpful technique

[Dera]

I have a mess of issues with my oldest (will be 3 in Nov) but I seem to be able to find relatively peaceful ways around most of them but one. When I take him somewhere, often he doesn't want to leave, especially if it's somewhere for him, like a playground. When it comes time to leave, occasionally there is a way to get out peacefully and once or twice, he has told me he was ready to leave but mostly, he freaks out and I end up having to wear my 1 year old and drag him out and to the car screaming, where he stiffens up and won't let me get him in the car seat. It's a nightmare. We both end up crying, sweating, yelling, and I am physically trying to force him in the seat ( I feel like I'm abusing him. It's horrible.). Oh my goodness, thinking about it makes me upset.

Because of this, we don't go out too much. I have tried the other way, taking him out MORE, so he knows that when we leave, it isn't the last time ever. Bribery works from time to time, like I offer him a little chocolate milk for the drive home, that doesn't work often though. I have tried warning him 10 minutes before we leave-this never works. It just pisses him off. I have tried letting him burn off energy for longer, giving him more time, but no time seems long enough. And last, I have had his little friends say, let's go, it's time to go. When it's coming from his friends it works sometimes but again, not always. A few days ago we had an issue again. We were there for 4 hours and I was sooooo ready to leave. It ended like I described before. He was tired that day and he's awful when he's tired, but that's not always the issue and it doesn't matter. I need a peaceful way to get him in the car and on the way home.

He has gone through awful phases that he's grown out of since he was walking but this has been going on for many months. A really long time, maybe even a year? Oh my goodness, please somebody help me!

[Dera]

Just bumping to see if anybody can help!

[alicia622]

Have you tried telling him the expectation for leaving before you go and reminding him as you give him the 5 or 10 minute warning? IF he is able to do it once- really, really lay on the praise about how fantastic he's doing and how proud you are. Actually, I'd find any glimmer of behavior in the direction you are hoping for as a positive and start laying on the praise. After the fact only talk about what he did that you like and don't mention the other stuff. The next time you go remind him of the good job he did with whatever part and how nice that was and also remind him of the expectation.

I'd also limit the activity- four hours at the park is a really long time!!!

[Dera]

Thanks for the help. I do tell him what I expect, he even knows the mantra but when it comes time, it doesn't matter. We've done the mantra of what I expect for a couple of months now and it doesn't work. I keep doing it in hopes that it will work. I give a huge amount of praise when he leaves without the battle. Every time. I also try different amounts of times. 4 hours is silly, I've never stayed that long before, I was there for a meeting the first 2 or so hours and then I knew already it was going to be a struggle and I stayed to hope he would tire out and leave willingly. Ha.

Anyway, thanks for the suggestions. Hopefully somebody else has an idea? Or at least dealt with this and saw it pass?

[RiverSky]

I think you're going about it the wrong way. You say you don't go out much because of it and I suspect that makes it worse, since he doesn't get to go on these outings as (perhaps) much as he'd like.

My son did the exact same thing for many months and I found that trying to give 15 minute warnings, then 10 minutes, then 5 minute warnings eventually helped. Not right away (he was young and had trouble telling how long 5 minutes would be) but the more I did it, the more he realized I meant it and what it really was that I meant.

Sometimes I would enlist a friend to help, have her leave at the same time, or have her watch one child while I put the other in the car, etc.

Good luck.

[RiverSky]

Oh and I don't think 4 hours at the park is that long, it's long, but not excessively long. I think 4 hour park playgroups are exceptional helpful when it comes to tuckering children out for naps.

[woodchick]

Here's the link to a similar discussionn from a couple of months ago. Maybe there's something helpful in it for you!

http://www.mothering.com/discussions....php?t=1109828

[mama516/419]

We also had good results with the 15 - 10 - 5 minute interjections then at 5 minutes we do her 2 favoriet things ( a few more pushes at the swing - now our last turn down the slide ok now its time to go ) and then we leave . If , and its very rare with my DD (3) but occurs alot with DS(1) for no particular reason he isnt a car seat fan we put him in the car and shut the door and then get in ourselves obviuosly we dont drive but eventualy they figure out we arent going anywhere until they are seated and once they are seated we buckle them up and go on our way.

[Dar]

How about some practice sessions? Talk to him about it, let him know it's just pratice, like pretend... and tell him what will happen. Tell him you won't really leave, it's practice.

Tell him exactly what to expect... you'll give him 5 minute and one minute warnings, then you'll say, "Time to go!" and he'll say, "Okay, I'm ready!", and you'll walk to the car together and get buckled in.

I'd pratice at first at home... make one room a pretend park and set up a pretend car, and run through it a few times. Then at the park, have a few more practice sessions at the very beginning... it would be best to start out at a not-so-fun park when no one is around to play with... and I would probably throw in telling him there will be some kind of "celebration" if all goes well for the real park leaving, like stopping for ice cream on the way home.

Then, build up to the big moment, make a big deal out of it, and be really happy if it goes well. Be really clear that this is the *real thing*, not practice. He may still get upset once he realizes that you're really leaving, because he's still so little, even if you try to be really clear about it... so really make a big deal out of his success.

You'll probably want to have a few practice sessions at home right before you go out for the first few times, just so he stays prepared... keep it positive...

You could also try some practice sessions with role reversal... you be him, and he gets to be you. You can try some minor resistence maybe, if you think it would be helpful... it might just freak him out.

[_betsy_]

my hard-to-transition, intense DD1 will be 3 in Sept. In just the past few weeks, this sort of thing has begun to get easier for us. I don't bribe, but I have had to carry her out kicking and screaming upon occasion, which just sucks. I have had to force her into her seat which is awful. I've BTDT, know what you're going through.

For us, recently, giving a 5-minute, 3-minute, 2-minute, 1-minute warning has really, really helped. Yes, I feel like an idiot, but I also know that soon enough I'll be able to give her a 5-minute warning, a 1-minute warning and it'll be OK.

I think setting a timer (like using my cell phone) would probably help. I keep forgetting to use that tool, though.

I generally take the baby in the stroller, and put her in the sling closer to time to go. That way, DD1 can get in the stroller for the walk back to the car. Sometimes that really seems to make for a smoother transition. I take the stroller along primarily as exit strategy.

Don't discount hunger as a huge culprit in the problem. DD has been telling us she's hungry again practically every 5 minutes, it seems. This has been going on for about 2 weeks, maybe more. Is there a 3-year growth spurt? I can't imagine her getting taller, since she's regularly mistaken for a 5 year old, but she isn't getting a gut or anything, either.

[transformed]

Perhaps he is an introvert.

[woodchick]

Originally Posted by transformed

Perhaps he is an introvert.

?

It's not that he doesn't want to leave the house, he doesn't want to leave the playground...

[transformed]

Originally Posted by woodchick

?

It's not that he doesn't want to leave the house, he doesn't want to leave the playground...

ok. I need my eyes checked. : sorry.

[woodchick]

Originally Posted by transformed

ok. I need my eyes checked. : sorry.

It happens to the best of us.

[Serendipity]

I really like the practicing suggestion. I also think the more you go out (and the older your dc gets), the better it will get.

My dd is usually really good about leaving somewhere, if she's not I give choices.

I ask her how much longer she would like, and she usually responds with reasonable amounts of time.
I ask if she wants to hop like bunnies or fly like airplanes to the van.
I ask if she wants to play i spy on the way home.
I ask if she wants to listen to music or a story on the way home.
I ask if she wants to play a game or paint pictures when we get home.
I ask if she wants to help carry the water bottle or the blanket.

[transformed]

oh! I just thought of something. "Fire Drill" You pretest to be firefighters and have to run to your "fire truck" to fight a fire.

Or you can do something like that with a spaceship where the car is the ship.

I have done both successfully. And sometimes not so successfully.

[Grace and Granola]

We do 5 and 2 minute warnings, then tell him he can do 2 more slides (or whatever.) Then I'll ask him if he can carry my keys to the van for me. The we talk about what we can do when we get home...even if it's going to be naptime, I'll tell him that I'm so excited to curl up under his covers and read stories. Whatever can get his mind off that playground and on to the next fantastic thing that will happen!

[FreeRangeMama]

My difficult leaver is about to turn 6 and he DID outgrow it......mostly. Some things that helped were the "what are the 3 things, 2 things, last thing you want to to before we leave the playground?" I also never went straight from the playground to the van, I always found an intermediate place. If there was a grassy area we would race to the end. If there was a lake we would walk near it. If there was a tree we would jump up to catch a leaf. Anything that distracted from the park (or other exciting place) served as a transition for him. Then we would play a game of "is this our van?" where I would ask ridiculous questions about whether a tree, garbage can, motorbike, truck, etc. was our van leading up to the triumphant YES!!! when we finally reached it. Upon arrival at the vehicle I would always have a favourite snack waiting for the kids to eat ONCE THEY WERE BUCKLED into the carseat.

It worked for the most part. The anticipation of leaving the fun place was too much. Lots of warning and the ability to choose the last few favourite actions were helpful. Most important was the going from a really fun place to a slightly less fun, but different and interesting place as an intermediate step. Then the silliness and fun on the way to the car was the next in the slow wind down (baby steps!). The much needed snack was the final ticket!

Good luck, this is a difficult age for the strong willed child! They do grow out of it eventually, then you can see how all those traits that make you want to pull your hair out have so many benefits that will serve them well in life! You are doing a great job mama! Your ds is so lucky to have a mama that cares so much!

[Dera]

I really appreciate these responses and I feel like I really have some good suggestions for next time. I try to get him out to do things for him twice a week or so, but I certainly avoid going out occasionally because of it. I know I shouldn't discount hunger or tiredness but it's so hard! He's so passionate about some things and nothing will break his focus when he's playing. So when I know he's needing to eat, and all of his friends are asking for snacks, he will stop for nothing! Passionate is the #1 word I would use to describe my son. I try to tell myself that this personality trait will be so great when he's older. But for now it sucks.

Anyway, thanks so much for helping. It's so selfless, what you mothers do for each other. It really re-energizes me to try harder to be the parent I want to be. Oh and the other thread is perfect-exactly our situation!

[DianeMarie]

I was thinking about some kind of consistant reward system. You can prepare him and tell him that it is going to be time to leave shortly, and remind him about whatever "reward" he has waiting in the car or at home for him. Something good to eat, a fun game he likes to play, etc. You say that sometimes you bribe him with a little chocolate milk---maybe he doesn't like chocolate milk that much to make it a good bribe!! Something that he REALLY LOVES TO EAT---Goldfish crackers, Cheerios, whatever---should make him RUN to the car!

Where exactly does he not want to leave? I can understand the park, but where else?

Also, when reading about him being "passionate" when he's playing and not even stopping to eat when he's hungry because he's "focused" on playing, I can't help but think of other things, like some sort of disorder. I hate using that word, I really do. But if he's been doing this for a year or more, and you have consistantly recited the mantra to/with him and it doesn't change, then I automatically think of other things.

On the other hand, I think I'd be pretty tempted to just stay home instead of battling with a 3 year old every single time we went someplace. And then, when he asks why they don't go to the park anymore, tell him the truth----that you have tried and spoken to him about his behavior when you have to leave, and he has not changed, so you have chosen to stay hom instead of fight with him and force him into his carseat. There's no sense in torturing yourself and torturing him for elective outings. Perhaps when he sees that his behavior is the reason he isn't going to the park, you can work with him on the behavior. If he wants to go to the park, then he has to behave---and if he doesn't, no more park.