I could use a helpful technique - Page 2

[indeospero]

I have a child, age 4, who is also intense and passionate. We have, at times, had similar difficulties with transition/leaving. I've found that there is no "technique" that particularly works for my daughter. Many of the ideas above, which I see working for other families, and which are proving helpful tools with my [differently temperamented] one-year-old, are useless with my passionate girl.

What *has* helped is thinking about it in terms of "vibe" and connection. It's been hard for me (an incorrigibly rational person) to get in touch with these aspects of our interactions, but the more I can do so, the more harmonious things are. When I need my dd to do something, or to cooperate with me, I have to first make sure our connection is strong. That might mean physical contact ("Come on over here and have a snuggle with me for a minute!") or play (engaging with her on the playground, even if I have been sitting on the sidelines the whole time, for a few minutes before we have to go) or something else. But if she is not connected with me, if the "vibe" is off, nothing I say or do will get her compliance without a fight.

I'm not saying that I'm all in-touch and connected and harmonious all the time. It's something I struggle with A LOT. But I do know that that's what "works" in my relationship with my intense girl, and so I strive for it.

These two Daily Grooves have both helped me with the transition issue:

Going along for the ride

Merging with the flow

The Mary Sheedy Kurcinka books have helped me to understand my dd's temperament, and to try to work with it.

And Connection Parenting by Pam Leo validated and fleshed out my intuition that the connection with her is my most valuable tool in keeping things copacetic around here.

HTH.

[Dera]

Don't worry about using the word disorder. I have wondered myself if maybe there was something else to him. If I had insurance, I would probably go see his pediatrician just to bring it up. There is no special food or toy that would help once he has gotten set on staying. Again, it's not every time but it's frequent. It's not always the park or indoor playground. A friend's house, sometimes even the grocery store-but that's not often an issue.

Indeospero, your post is really interesting. When he's freaking out outside he will let me hold him while he cries. I think making a bigger connection may be something I should try harder to get. I've been suffering a seemingly uncurable case of postpartum depression this last year and I just realized a couple of weeks ago that I miss him. I miss the boy that I see all day, every day. I miss having one kid sometimes, I mourn our relationship still. I've been trying to connect one on one with him more, I will keep trying.

[JL83]

We made progress by having more opportunities for her to practice. Once she understood that we were going to go out again she got better at being willing to come home. We spent awhile of going out somewhere she liked at least once a day.

[_betsy_]

Would you call him "intense?" I call my DD intense, and I've been rereading "Living with your Active Alert Child" by Linda S. Budd. It's been helpful, even though it's aimed at parents of older children.

[Dera]

Yes. I would use "intense" to describe him. Not all the time but often.

[gopalakrishna]

Someone kind of mentioned this...but how about a timer? Use it at home for other situations and then once he is used to it...try using it when you are out? That way he has a visual of how much time is left? That way it is kind of the timer's fault and not yours

They make fun kiddie timers that maybe he could relate to.

[CatherineEL]

My little guy is 2 1/2, and we use the "10 minutes - 5 minutes - 2 minutes...." even down to 10 more seconds ("5-4-3-2-1!") if I can tell he's having fun and isn't ready to leave.

Then, I scoop him up gently and we start saying goodbye to all the fun things we enjoyed. We say "Thank you, bye park!" and "Thanks swings, that was fun! See you next time!" "Thank you pool - we had an awesome time swimming - see you tomorrow!" It seems to ease the transition and really works for us.

Good luck!