Divorce and the RC Church

[BugMacGee]

I'm a decent Catholic. Not perfect by any means, but working on strengthening my faith daily.

I'm also divorced. I didn't want to get a divorce. I tried everything to keep my marriage together. I prayed about it constantly. I very much felt like, in the end, God was telling me to get out of what became a pretty horrible situation. My ex had no job, was constantly out drinking. For all intents and purposes, he'd opted out of participating in our family.

I feel like such a failure. It's been over a year and although I feel like it was the only decision possible at the time, I'm struggling with it spiritually. I know God's ways are not our ways. But my marriage was putting my children (and my ex'es health) at serious risk. I have a very hard time believing God woul've wanted me to stay.

I continue to go to church regularly. My oldest goes to our parish school.

Sorry this is kinda pointless. But I'm needing to work this out.

Any advice?

[CherryBomb]

Have you talked to your priest? Honestly my knowledge of divorce in the Church is pretty weak, since it's not something I've needed to know a lot about.

Please don't feel like a failure

[BMG580]

As I understand it, you are still sacramentally married to your ex-husband in the eyes of the Church. You have only been granted a civil divorce, correct? So you may not date/form another relationship with another man until you have dealt with your separation from your husband within the Church. If you would like to be free to remarry at some point then you need to start the annulment process. Just be forewarned that just because you ask for an annulment doesn't mean one will be granted. The Church must find a valid reason that your marriage wasn't sacramental in the first place. The best place to start is with your priest. I am sure he can provide both emotional counseling and advice on what you need to do to proceed.

I am so terribly sorry for what you endured in your bad marriage. I hope there can be some sort of resolution within the Church that you will find satisfactory. There is a lot of great information about Catholic marriage and annulments at Catholic Answers.

[lilyka]

you should go talk to your preist. (((hugs))) i hadmy preists blessing before I got a divorce and it helped so much knowing that the church was behind me. (I left for abuse and long term adultry. my priest was actually very adement that I either needed to suck it up and learn to live with it chastely, sanely, and with total forgiveness or get out...he seemed to be emphasizing get out....).

We all fall down. we all sin. it is ok to ask for forgiveness. we can't undo what is done and sometimes it seems our only choices are sin A and sin B. what can you do. you had to protect yourself and your children.

more hugs to you. I hope you can find peace and forgiveness and move on to happy healthy life.

[Maggi315]

You know what, this is a pet peeve of mine.I even hate to see divorce labeled as sin and something you need to be forgiven for, because what if the marriage was bad? or abusive? or your partner decided he didn't want to be married? There's a stigma that comes with it, that somehow you failed, and usually that is not the case at all. if we are talking about forgiveness from God, then the church teaches that God has already forgiven our sins, right (well, of course, you have to go to confession to make it official), so forgiveness from the actual church and the people seem to be something that is then their problem, not yours!

And there is a large group of divorcees in the church, you can find great people to network with! My husband was divorced two times and we went through tribunal, it was not a bad experience at all, but we did feel like there have been tons of people who have looked down upon both of us. He now works for one of the largest RC organizations in America, and I think it's great that others see you can recover from divorces (he didn't want either) and bad marriages.

If you want, feel free to pm me,

[cagnew]

I don't think divorce is a sin. It really has nothing to with the Church... it's more of a state thing.

Seperation is another matter. The Church allows you to seperate from a spouse, and that is not a sin. The only thing that would be considered a sin (and a serious one at that) is to get married again without having received an annulment. Well... having any kind of sexual relationship with someone other than your spouse would be a sin too of course, but that kind of goes without saying.

So divorce isn't a sin and doesn't require confession. I'm sorry about your situation. That sounds awful and very painful. Seriously, don't beat yourself up about it! That's the last thing you need to deal with!

Pray for your spouse. God can work some pretty incredible things. Plus, if your marriage was valid (and therefore not eligible for an annulment), you would still be married in the eyes of the Church, and would still be bound to "support" your husband as best you can. Considering his current lifestyle, it sounds like prayer is the only way to help at this point. Not to belittle prayer ar anything... that's a very powerful way to support him!

You have an obligation to your children as well, and that is to protect them physically and spiritually. If they were at risk, I would think God would expect you to remove them from that risk.

There are a few women saints who had to deal with problems like this. I think one of them is St. Rita. Maybe reading about her and her life, and asking for her to pray for you and your family would help you.

s You are in my prayers.

[BugMacGee]

Thank you for your responses. I will talk to my priest. Interestingly, he's the one who married us, though at a different parish. He knows my ex and his family quite well. My MIL would help me with the annulment process, she's said as much.

I'm also having a very hard time with forgiveness. In part because he still continues his behavior and I'm worried for my children. And he lives 6 blocks away. He's very much in-my-face with his drinking and irresponsibility. I'm trying.

I very much appreciate your support.

[hotmamacita]

Originally Posted by BugMacGee

I'm a decent Catholic. Not perfect by any means, but working on strengthening my faith daily.

I'm also divorced. I didn't want to get a divorce. I tried everything to keep my marriage together. I prayed about it constantly. I very much felt like, in the end, God was telling me to get out of what became a pretty horrible situation. My ex had no job, was constantly out drinking. For all intents and purposes, he'd opted out of participating in our family.

I feel like such a failure. It's been over a year and although I feel like it was the only decision possible at the time, I'm struggling with it spiritually. I know God's ways are not our ways. But my marriage was putting my children (and my ex'es health) at serious risk. I have a very hard time believing God woul've wanted me to stay.

I continue to go to church regularly. My oldest goes to our parish school.

Sorry this is kinda pointless. But I'm needing to work this out.

Any advice?

Be gentle with yourself. FWIW, from what I read in the Bible, the divorce falls on your husband's shoulders anyway. Pray, read, journal and see where God leads you.

[Rosehip]

Hi mama. My divorce was just recently finalized. I desperately wanted to work things out, but X would not, and I could not justify staying in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. So here I am. I actually just received my final divorce papers in the mail yesterday. I am planning to pursue a declaration of nullity. Without getting into details, I truly believe that my X did not enter into the marriage honestly, truly intending to be a partner, husband, and father.

I'm VERY nervous about going to talk to the priest. I'll likely go to see the priest who married us, baptized one of our children, and who we went to (once, b/c X wouldn't see him more) for counseling.

I wanted to share my experience. I'm not sure if that's helpful or not. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

[BugMacGee]

Originally Posted by Rosehip

Hi mama. My divorce was just recently finalized. I desperately wanted to work things out, but X would not, and I could not justify staying in an emotionally and financially abusive marriage. So here I am. I actually just received my final divorce papers in the mail yesterday. I am planning to pursue a declaration of nullity. Without getting into details, I truly believe that my X did not enter into the marriage honestly, truly intending to be a partner, husband, and father.

I'm VERY nervous about going to talk to the priest. I'll likely go to see the priest who married us, baptized one of our children, and who we went to (once, b/c X wouldn't see him more) for counseling.

I wanted to share my experience. I'm not sure if that's helpful or not. Please feel free to PM me if you want to chat.

Hugs to you!

I, too, am nervous about talking to the priest. Not quite sure how to approach the whole thing.