What do you do when everything goes upsidedown?

[wendypf]

I spent today on the couch, mostly sleeping and trying to eat. 1YO DD is at my MILs, she spent the night last night and probably tonight too because I am too sick to watch her and DH has had a few hard weeks.

Last month, if you told me my daughter would be weaned and sleeping at grandma's I couldn't have fathomed that... but then I was diagnosed with cancer and in a whirlwind I have gone from attached mommy to laid up on the couch barely able to function because the chemo has made me so ill...

I've never spent so long a time w/o my daughter and yet, the idea of having her in the house today seems impossible. I want more than anything for her to be happy. I know the last few weeks have been traumatic for her -- yet she has been in good spirits. I worry that we will lose our connection over the next year of my treatments. I know she won't remember, but I'm not convinced she won't be different. Will we be able to rebuild our connection when I am well again? Will she be happy with so many caretakers and going days without seeing me?

I thought seeing her during treatment would be healing to me and holding her feels great, but I can hardly do that now and I'm so early in my treatment. I did not expect to be so sick so soon. I have months of chemo and radiation ahead of me and I can't fathom how I will keep my spirits up.

[lolar2]

I'm so sorry about the cancer. I do, anecdotally, know a number of mothers who've been in your situation or a similar situation. There's no way to know if their kids would have been any different if the mothers hadn't gotten sick, but the children seem to have gotten through it all OK. They talk on the phone and stuff, from the hospital, when they can.

It seems (anecdotally among my friends, again) that it is a little easier on the children who go to some kind of daycare or preschool, even part-time, because that gives them a more regular routine to hang onto while home is unpredictable.

A good book-- geared mainly to mothers with chronic illness but a lot of it can apply to cancer-- is called Cereal for Dinner.

[Belia]

Oh, mama. I am sooooo sorry. I cannot fathom what you are going through.

What do you do when everything goes upside down?

The best you can.

[Mama2Bug]

I don't have any suggestions, though I wish I did. I don't think you should feel guilty for anything right now. Your DD will be fine and someday she will know that you did the absolute best that you could.

Big, big s to you and yours!

[TwinsTwicePlusTwo]

Your daughter will be fine. The best thing you can do for her is to take care of yourself and get yourself well. Several of my friends have gone through similar things and both them and their children are doing fine now.

Hugs and prayers.

[lilyka]

When everything goes upside down you hold on for dear life and either wait for things to right themselves or until you get accustomed to living upside down.

(((hugs))) it will be ok. you do not need to worry about your baby. She will be ok and your bond will be ok. She won't hold this against you. She hasn't read the AP books with all their promises and projections and tales of doom. All she knows is that she is so loved and surrounded by people who love her. She will be just fine and your relationship will be just fine. this is not something you need to worry about right now. Just focus on getting well and getting through your treatment. She will weather this storm as well as anyone. She is your child. You two will climb this hill together. It will be ok.

[confustication]

Originally Posted by wendypf

I thought seeing her during treatment would be healing to me and holding her feels great, but I can hardly do that now and I'm so early in my treatment. I did not expect to be so sick so soon. I have months of chemo and radiation ahead of me and I can't fathom how I will keep my spirits up.

My go-rounds with chemo and radiation were before I had kids, so I can't help much in terms of that. But I can tell you that while it won't necessarily get easier, you'll get better at coping.

It knocked me on my butt initially, then I got angry- really angry! It just wasn't fair that I had to deal with this. And I got stubborn. I made myself get up, and I made myself do as much 'normal' stuff as I could. I allowed myself to rest and nap when I needed to, and in between, I tried to remember to live my life. For me, taking part in pretty normal activities helped me. For other people- other things helped- a good friend of mine lived for the days she wasn't feeling so ill because she'd eat ice cream- and nothing else. Another liked to meditate, and envisioned the chemo that was making her so sick as the 'scrubbing bubbles' from the ads. It was such a ridiculous image that it helped her feel a little better. You'll find your groove, but let it overwhelm you for now, and worry JUST about taking care of you. it sounds like your daughter is surrounded by people who love her, so let them do that, and you focus on healing yourself.

Certainly, you need to lean on your family, and let them help out. Being at her grandmother's is wonderful for your daughter. She'll learn that there are times mom feels good and can play, and times mom can't be there for her, but that when mom can't be, someone else will be, and that really is ok.

[PretzelMama]

Just hugs.

[pauletoy]

Oh mama, I am so sorry you are dealing with this. You are doing the best you can. Now is the time to concentrate on you and your health. Your dd will be fine spending the night with grandma for a few nights so that you can take care of yourself.

Sending you healing vibes...

[Fuamami]

I have no experience with having had cancer, and I'm so sorry you are having to go through this.

I would like to offer one thing I have learned, though.

In attachment parenting, there is a HUGE focus on the early years. But when kids turn three we are still their parents, and our connection with them/attachment to them changes so many times, and in so many ways. Right now you have to concentrate on getting yourself better, and let others help you with your dd. Later, when you are healed, you can focus on either picking up where you left off, or re-establishing a new connection with her. The relationship and the love will endure.

I'm not sure I'm getting my point across here.

[SuburbanHippie]

Big hugs! I'm so sorry you're going through this.

[transformed]

Affirmations. Happy thoughts. Write them Down. It will not only get you through, it will heal you.

I am sending them to you now. Peace and Love are with you. They are always accessible.



First affirmation: Think of the connection that little precious one is getting to have with her grandma. How special that is. (Imagine a 10 yr old girl with her grandma for a clearer picture) How wonderful. :

[jewelsJZ]

Originally Posted by PretzelMama

Just hugs.

yes, that.

[journeymom]

In attachment parenting, there is a HUGE focus on the early years. But when kids turn three we are still their parents, and our connection with them/attachment to them changes so many times, and in so many ways.

I became a stay at home mom when my daughter turned three. I'd had my own bonding problems when she was a baby and wasn't ready to take on motherhood for a couple of years. If there is any lasting 'damage' to our bond from that time before I quit work, I can't tell. We have a wonderful, close relationship.

Many hugs to you. I'm so sorry you have to experience this right now.

[EnviroBecca]

It will be okay!

The winter my son turned 1, he was perfectly healthy but his father and I got sick over and over again, sometimes simultaneously, with some very severe viruses. I had several stretches of 2 or 3 days when I was conscious for only a few minutes every few hours. I would nurse the baby if he was there, but otherwise I was very useless. We took him to his usual babysitter but for up to 14 hours a day. There was at least one day when, as evening approached, we could not figure out how we were going to go get him as we were too weak to walk to the bus stop and too dizzy to drive; we finally got a neighbor to drive me in our car.

I felt terrible about being away from my baby so much and unable to do most of the things I would normally do when I was with him. But those times when he was home and crying and we couldn't help, convinced us that it was right for him to be spending so much time at the sitter's--he was getting better care that way, and so were we!

It was a miserable time...but I can't think of any way it affected my son's bond with me even in the short term. Now he's 4 and definitely not affected by it at all.

I hope you feel better very soon! Set your worries aside and focus on healing.