Is this reasonable? LONG

[Picturesque]

I need some feedback on whether or not I'm being unreasonable with an IL situation. My DS is 2.5 and we live within 30 minutes of both sets of grandparents. My parents have always been VERY interested and involved, extend lots of invitations to come over and call frequently. They also have demonstrated on multiple occasions that they respect our parenting choices and work to reinforce our parenting when they are around. My ILs have been very distant since DS's birth. They call maybe 2x monthly and probably initiate get-togethers with the same frequency (that's usually why they call). From time to time, and much more recently, MIL will say something like, "I need to start keeping C." The other day she called and tried to bulldoze me into letting her come pick up C and take him away for the afternoon. I told her it was not convenient and too hard to move the car seat (I'm a stickler for car seat safety and at 35 weeks pg it's too hard for me to feel like I've gotten it in securely). ILs have never supported a single parenting choice that we've made. They've wanted to argue about natural childbirth, co-sleeping, BFing, not vaxing, delayed solids, extended BFing, the list goes on and on. They do not support our AP parenting principles. They have never been with DS when DH or I wasn't there. The thing is, my parents have only rarely been with DS when DH and I haven't been there. We just don't look for opportunities to send him away and rarely have a need to be without him. When I work, 2 afternoons/week, my aunt comes to my home and watches him here. It's been well over a year since DS rode in a car with anyone other than DH or myself. So, apart from my misgivings about their support of our practices, sending DS off with anyone is simply not something we do or feel a need to do. ILs think this is crazy, don't understand why DS can't go for overnights, and I think they imagine that my parents have "privileges" they don't have although this is not the case. My question is: is it reasonable to want DS to be with us unless there is a good reason for that not to be the case? I feel like we are family and that I didn't have children in order to constantly look for opportunities to send them away. Is this something that I need to defend, or even explain?

[abi&ben'smom]

It's not crazy at all. Do what you are comfortable with. We still won't let dc spend the night with dh's mom. And they are 7 & 9.

[russsk]

I wouldn't try to defend your reasons - it's like an invitation for finding the holes in your argument. Just state that you do not want him to leave the house without you buy ILs are welcome to visit any time. Period. Since they feel free to argue with you about your parenting, you already know they will argue with any reasons you try to supply. So just don't do it.

[jewelsJZ]

I think it is very reasonable not to send your very young child off with people who do not support your parenting choices. How confusing might that be for him? Even if it is a loving grandparent. And 2.5 is quite young for many children to sleep away from parents, esp. if they cosleep with mom and dad and would not do so at another relatives house. Not sure if this is the case or not.
That being said, they are his grandparents and perhaps you could offer them an alternative when they ask to have him over to their house by themselves. Perhaps you could invite them over to your house or invite them to go with you when you take your son to a park or other family outing.
My IL's went through a period like this where they wanted to "be alone" with my first ds. They would go to dh and say they wanted to take ds to another part of the house to be alone with him. What they meant was away from me. They didn't necessarily voice disagreement with our parenting style, but nursing and wearing babies means less time for Grandma and Grandpa to hold him, I guess. And they were quite invasive, hovering over me at every diaper change, clothing change, bath, etc. until I was ready to scream. But I digress.....
I would not engage with them when they argue about all your birthing and parenting choices. I would be very matter of fact, "this is what we are doing" and that's that. I have lots of people in my life who parent or have parented differently from me. I just don't discuss the things that are not obvious to them, like co-sleeping. They don't need to know.
Oh, and I blame lots of stuff on the pediatrician when my MIL or grandmother bug me, like telling me not to delay solids and put rice cereal in a bottle and give it to my kids. That shuts them up right away if I tell them "the doctor says". And if they keep at it, I start quoting the American Pediatric Association or the World Health Organization. Really, what are they going to say to that?

[Latte Mama]

Nope, no need to defend or explain. My Mom does support my choices but my son still won't be sleeping over until he is much older than 2, like maybe 10! I don't understand how GP'd who are not supportive and don't spend a lot of time with GK's expect sleepover priveleges.

[limabean]

I do not believe that merely possessing the same title entitles each set of grandparents to the exact same privileges -- if they behave significantly differently, then their level of access to my kids is going to be different. That said, I am in favor of a certain level of grandparent fairness unless they're doing something dangerous or underhanded.

That said, however (yes, I'm contradicting myself all over the place ), I don't think a parent is ever required to separate themselves from their child just because a third party demands it. When your MIL mentions taking DS for the day, I would just say something vague like, "Oh, that won't work out today, but we're headed to the park in a little while -- would you like to meet us there?"

As someone else said, resist the temptation to explain/justify -- that only leads to debate, whereas if you just say that it won't work out, the other person can't really get a "handhold" for an argument.

[everything to one]

you make me feel more normal! we never left our daughter with anyone even for an hour until she was about 17 months old and we left her with my mom for 1 1/2 hours bc we had an appt we couldnt take her to. and my mom came with us and walked with her outside incase she wanted to come see us badly enough- we'd be right there! lol. now at 20 months we are trying to get her used to staying with my mom or my husbands mom because i am due with a baby in Jan and we want her to have a safe comfortable place to go when im in the late stages of labor. i noticed she warmed up quickly to my mom so i have encouraged that the most, but also time with his mom has been good. i am not planning to practice an overnight- we are just trying to give her enough time around them to trust them and feel safe and we'll deal with the overnight if it comes to that while im in labor. im not pushing the grandpa's as we dont see them as often and they are more intimidating. lol. my friends always offer to watch her but it just hasnt been necessary and she doesnt want to leave us. i like what one person said about not having to explain yourself. you can just say- we prefer to keep her with us. or- she sees my mom so much that she is really comfortable with her. my IL's have been wanting to take our daughter on trips since she was 6 months old and we have said, thats fine, but we will be right there with her! they now know not to even ask unless we are invited. and to add to it we dont feel comfortable flying with her yet which everyone thinks is crazy. we dont explain this one either. so, you are not crazy and you are not alone in these thoughts and decisions! you are doing whats best for your family and thats your first priority!! if possible let your husband deal with the IL's when there is conflict. if HE says "we arent comfortable with ...." they cant hold it against you because they'll see you both agree on these matters. good luck!!!

[St. Margaret]

My DD is almost 2.5 and very verbal but I would STILL never send her for hours at a time with anyone whom I didn't trust to maintain the standard of care she was used to. If someone might yell/shame/spank her, or talk about DH and I and our family's practices disparigingly... how terrible that would be for her. Who knows, some GPs would be fine and wonderful, but you as the parent have to go by what you've seen from them. If you want to be trusted, be trustworthy, you know? Questioning everything about your parenting isn't helping with that.

DD has a wonderful relationship with both sets of GPs and loves to spend hours with them. After a full afternoon, I really start to miss her. I don't feel bad about that. And there's no way she's anywhere near ready to do overnights. What's the point of all this, anyway? Surely for some, it's important, but if you don't feel it, it's not! Everyone's different.

[Picturesque]

Thanks for the replies! I am basking in the glow of having my feelings validated. I like the idea of compromise; however, I think I might need to get better at it. So far my attempts at compromise haven't been understood as 'we'll do this instead of what makes the parents uncomfortable' but rather 'here's another opportunity to pressure for what we want.'

[RiverSky]

You are correct and your inlaws are expecting too much. Some are perfectly happy to send their 2 1/2 year olds off to grandparents, but many are not. My 10 year old has only been away from us overnight ONCE! (at Grandma's when we were visiting her out of town)

I will mention though, that I think that calling twice a month and setting visits up with you twice a month is actually a HUGE amount. I would go crazy if I were required to meet up with family (mine or DH's) that often.

[Una]

I'm always weary of people who badger for alone time with children. What could they do with a child alone that they couldn't do with the parents present? I wouldn't let anyone who badgers for alone time with my child spend time with them unsupervised.

But, that's just me.

Your child is your child. You are the parents, what you say goes. Do not try to justify, defend, apologize for, or explain anything. It just gives people an invitation to try and argue with you on your beliefs/reasoning.

[Hoopin' Mama]

The "I need to have dgc" comment in conjuction with not respecting parenting decisions is certainly enough to make me uncomfortable.

[vegemamato]

I would be uncomfortable sending a 2.5 yr old (who's used to sleeping with mom and dad) away for ANY overnights alone. But, at the same time, I do feel that having a grandparent relationship is important, given that they are trustworthy (non-abusive, gentle discipline, et cetera).

for us, it's a bit different though because my mom/in-laws are willing to co-sleep, adhere to our 'rules' (even if they don't see the reason) and they really do try to make it FUN! My mother-in-law definetely lets them watch way too much tv (including shows that we would NEVER allow) but I figure that our home is consistent enough that we are able to influence their overall behavior/attitudes/values and they only visit with the grandparents every other month or so, or at least they did until we moved..

I dunno, I guess I really value the bonds that my children are building and I believe that the benefits outweigh the risks (in my case, which may not be the same for you or any other posters ).

all in all, I would do what you're comfortable doing, and let it be. You are the parent, and you trump

[fwlady]

When we lived closer to our parents, the GPs had time with each child. Not usually overnight, unless I was giving birth again. My ILs are the ones that never say much about our parenting choices, well, not to my face anyway. My mother, will debate with me in front of my children, or while they are playing around the house. However, she is really good with the kids. My ILs, mostly MIL, I have had issue with. She realized that she wasn't "keeping up" with my side of the family, so there have been things that she wanted to do wtih the kids. Some times, it has worked out. Other times, I have actually had to undo some things that have been said, or times that my MIL has actually TRAUMATIZED my son. Not to mention that when they wanted to keep the kids in the hotel while visiting us (to take them to the pool), we met at a restaurant in the city. There weren't any real seat space for my kids, who were questionable about even being out of the booster seats (before the new law). I told my DH my concern about them not having seats for the kids. Everything in my body SCREAMED that I should NOT have let them go. But, it would have been disappointed for them, because there have been many times that we have visited with each GP at hotels for swimming in the off season. They weren't going far, but to bring them home, it would be over an hour, and I didn't know how they would have more room later. My MIL is a shopaholic.

At any rate, we don't live near them anymore. Nor does my MIL visit EVER, even when my FIL comes over several times a year. My FIL has also watched the kids since for an anniversary of ours. Having 7 (going on 8) children doesn't lend itself for us to have spouse time. So, this was a real blessing. My FIL had mentioned something about he and MIL (we refer to her as "his wife" now, although she isn't really even that) would like to take the kids to Six Flags. At this point, I had to tell FIL that the children CAN NOT be with her alone. She cannot be trusted with them. ONLY if he was going to be really good about vigilance that HE is the one responsible for them, then they can take them. But, SHE isn't allowed to be alone with them anymore. And since then, they did take the older ones shopping for a few hours after the last baby was born. She even peeked in a minute later to ask if I would be okay, as I was having PP Pre-e and on strict bedrest, while being left with the 4yo, 2yo, and newborn. It was okay, and that was touching, but what else could I do? It was a week before Xmas and FIL was there and knows how I felt about her.

My MIL had mentioned being able to take any child under 12 for free to Cancun with her. She would only take two at a time. I was NOT going to allow that, but fortunately, she can have good intentions and never follow through. And, the last time, we were suppose to spend Easter with all of them, and she decided to not show up after all last minute. So, it is sad, but we didn't expect her to be there anyway. This is just one more disappointment the children have from her.

Anyway, I think in some ways, the distance is a good thing. Had the children not been so close to MIL to start with, then what is going on now wouldn't hurt so badly. Had they not been with her even as rarely as they were, my son wouldn't STILL have mental wounds from her. Even the way she disciplined their adopted daughter, traumatized my very verbal toddler and next older DD, as they are sensitive. We aren't talking about normal consequences. She is downright mean. I wonder sometimes how they let some ppl get through the adoption system. She truly abused her adopted DD.

So, go with your instincts. Even if the one GP gets more time with the child than the other, that is usually because that GP has a better repoir with the child. Visits should be pleasant.

I agree; twice a month is HUGE. Kymberli

[treehuggermama]

Follow your instincts Mama I have never left my 5, 3, 17mos old overnight with anyone except their Daddy (I work nights) and wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them with either set of parents overnight.