How to respond to I want/I don't want - constant whining

[Pernillep]

My 2 1/2 year old has just started a super whiny phase where he asks for something and then when we give it to him he says I don't want it. We then remove it and say ok, he then whines and tantrums with I want. The cycle can continue for 20 min or more. Sometimes it escallates into a real tantrum with arms frailing and toddler hitting, sulking and screaming. Other times he just keeps asking for either the same thing or something new.


So far we have tried giving him 2 tries. If he continues we remove the object and he does not get it back until he asks for it nicely. That worked with dinner last night and he finally ate but don't work very often. I try to always distract him with something else. But that doesn't work once he gets in one of his moods. I have tried ignoring his demands or telling him no. I have tried to give him what he is asking for only to have it turn around and become one of the things he does not want. We have tried giving him 2 choices but he just says no.


This morning we are on the 3rd thing. First it was his breakfast, then his water and now tv. Strike that 4th. Now it is juice.

I know it is normal behavior for a toddler but I need some ways to cope.
We have a new baby in the house which may be part of the escallation of the behavior but it started before we brought him home.

[DianeMarie]

How about saying "Okay, you're saying you don't want this now. I am giving you this last chance to keep it. When I take it away, you aren't getting it back." Then, carry through. You can't keep dancing around a 2 1/2 year old with a new baby in the house. Give him what he asks for, and when he says he doesn't want it (unless it is dinner or other meal), give him a chance to change his mind then take it away and ignore the tantrum. He will learn pretty quickly that you aren't going to be bossed around and controlled by a toddler! When he throws the tantrum, take him by the hand and lead him into his room, and explain to him that you will not accept yelling and screaming and hitting, and he will have to stay in his room until he is able to act nicely----and his poor behavior is not going to get him what he wants.

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Toddlers aren't very good at knowing why they are upset. I can guarantee, though, that his tantrums don't have anything to do with juice, or tv, or choices. He doesn't know how to tell you what he is REALLY trying to get. He doesn't know.

Sometimes tantrums are just a way of discharging stress. This is common in the younger years and you don't necessarily need to do anything about it except allow him (and even help him, if you can) discharge that stress in a safe, supportive manner. He may need to cry or rage. You might check out this article about tantrums: http://www.awareparenting.com/tantrums.htm

When my DD went through this stage, I took a guess that what she was really after was attention and connection and not so much the specific thing she said she was whining about. It helped to swoop her up, put on some music, and dance together, or pull out a toy and sit down on the floor with her, or rock in the big chair together. After we had some connecting time, the issue about what she wanted for breakfast wasn't an issue anymore and she'd just go over and eat it (or not, if she wasn't really hungry).

Its so hard when you have a new baby. Not only do you suddenly have all the needs of a new baby, but the needs of your older child have increased dramatically, too. Its a remarkably difficult time.

[Evansmama]

Hi There,

I don't want to hijack this thread, so if I do I'll move this;o) I just wanted to comment on Bellingham's post. This is great advice, and I too will do these things...when I have time. My ds is also two and a half. What do you do in these types of situations when you are under a time constraint?

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Evansmama

Hi There,

I don't want to hijack this thread, so if I do I'll move this;o) I just wanted to comment on Bellingham's post. This is great advice, and I too will do these things...when I have time. My ds is also two and a half. What do you do in these types of situations when you are under a time constraint?

What I did was try to avoid time constraints (not always possible, I know). When we did have to leave (e.g. DD is sitting in the middle of the road fascinated by a pebble there and a car is coming) I would scoop her up, reflect her feelings ("you really wanted to play with that pebble! You are so mad mama picked you up! You want to get down!") but continued onward in spite of the screaming, until we got to a place/time where we could sit and cuddle, or find an interesting distraction. I have elbowed my screaming, protesting toddler into her car seat more than once, buckled her in, nearly crying myself, sympathized and offered toys or snacks to help make the carseat easier. Took deep breaths. Said, "this will pass" over and over to myself.

It really does pass pretty quickly, in retrospect.

[Mrs.Burke]

funny how these moments could really try our patience nearly giving up sometimes. whew! mommies really are wonder women. sometimes i remind myself to ask my mom if i was this terrible when i was a kid.

[lolar2]

Sometimes when we get into this cycle (we're at that phase too!) I put the item on a nearby table or something, where he can reach it, and I say, "It's there if you want it." And I make sure he can see it. Then I go about my business. This gives him the chance to make a mental pros-and-cons list or whatever the heck it is he's doing, without making me responsible for giving it and taking it away, and he usually is calmer.