9 year old DD, she's trying to kill me!

[Kiddoson]

DD is a homeschooled child, she is very smart. First though he has a listening problem, she hears a few words, thinks she knows what is being said (she doesn't) then gets yelled at for not following directions! This happens everywhere, not just school time. Second, she ALWAYS puts herself before everyone around her. this is what is killing me. She has a DS who is 2, she frequently does not play nice, or tries to force him into doing what she wants which leads to his frustration and crying. this of course adds to my stress and anger. DD always thinks of herself first, whether it's me, DS, DH, friends, clients (I am self employed and the children are with me with a babysitter often), the babysitter etc. We have talked, and talked and talked. we have given consequences and stick to them. My DH is the softy but he has been reading some books that have helped him be more firm and consisitant. Sadly I very much feel like I don't want to be around her. She is just so hard to be around sometimes. WHen she wants to she is so sweet and helpful and then I feel good about being around her, but that isn't often enough and it is really disrupting the energy of our family. Any help appreciated! thank you!

[mild_adventurer]

Originally Posted by Kiddoson

DD is a homeschooled child, she is very smart. First though he has a listening problem, she hears a few words, thinks she knows what is being said (she doesn't) then gets yelled at for not following directions! This happens everywhere, not just school time. Second, she ALWAYS puts herself before everyone around her. this is what is killing me. She has a DS who is 2, she frequently does not play nice, or tries to force him into doing what she wants which leads to his frustration and crying. this of course adds to my stress and anger. DD always thinks of herself first, whether it's me, DS, DH, friends, clients (I am self employed and the children are with me with a babysitter often), the babysitter etc. We have talked, and talked and talked. we have given consequences and stick to them. My DH is the softy but he has been reading some books that have helped him be more firm and consisitant. Sadly I very much feel like I don't want to be around her. She is just so hard to be around sometimes. WHen she wants to she is so sweet and helpful and then I feel good about being around her, but that isn't often enough and it is really disrupting the energy of our family. Any help appreciated! thank you!

I am patiently waiting for someone to give you some good advice because I could use it too! I have 2 10-year olds (a boy and a girl) and they're both incredibly self-centered right now.

The one thing that does work with my girl (but not so much my boy) is to talk about kindness and empathy in a third-person way. For example, when we see a firetruck or ambulance go by, I always say "Oh my goodness, I hope everyone is okay." Or, if we are listening to NPR in the car (which is almost always), I make sure I point out examples of either a) kindness or b) blatent unkindness and what could be different in the stories we hear.

Other than that, I've done everything you've done (we're pretty firm parents) and the behavior persists. Is is simply developmental?

[Theoretica]

I've raised 2 10yos (now 15 and 19) and have an 8yo and a 1.5yo.

It's normal. You just teach and gently encourage thoughtful words and actions. They'll snap out of it in a few years, I promise!

[ZoraP]

My older dd is turning 10 next month. We've already been dealing with these issues for some time as well. Patience, perserverence, and frequent repetition of your expectations are all good.

I've also found that offering more cuddles and attention unconnected to anything at all (just sneaking up on her and giving her a kiss, for example, or giving her a little treat once in a while), as well as responding with humor and animation when she's being cooperative and nice to be with, have helped.

It also helps to have some time apart so that everyone remembers why they like being together. Does she have any outside activities that don't involve you, dh, or the babysitter?

[Kiddoson]

Thank you everyone for your suggestions and support, nice to know I am not alone!

Originally Posted by ZoraP

My older dd is turning 10 next month. We've already been dealing with these issues for some time as well. Patience, perserverence, and frequent repetition of your expectations are all good.

I've also found that offering more cuddles and attention unconnected to anything at all (just sneaking up on her and giving her a kiss, for example, or giving her a little treat once in a while), as well as responding with humor and animation when she's being cooperative and nice to be with, have helped.

This is great advice, it is hard to feel like getting close to her when she is like this but I gave it a try today with good results!

Originally Posted by ZoraP

It also helps to have some time apart so that everyone remembers why they like being together. Does she have any outside activities that don't involve you, dh, or the babysitter?

Yes this is key. We are involved in a coop that as 3 different classes with a recess and lunch time. She is also involved in extra curricular activities that don't involve us. thanks!

[gillibean]

One thing I do when I'm giving instructions is to have my DC repeat them back to me. That gives me a chance to clarify things before they do it incorrectly.

I think the putting themselves first is somewhat developmental. My DD is quite sensitive and really wants to be considerate but I'm still often surprised at the things she does without it even considering how it might impact others.

[karne]

Here's what I'm finding lately; when I feel most "pushed away", or least like being close to dd, it's ususally the time she needs me the most. At this age I think that they are working so hard on their independence, yet, at least in our family, the need for closeness is pretty intense.

[Mandynee22]

My 9 yr old is the same, exact way (only her dad is WAY stricter than I am but he's on the road for week and weeks- seriously, he'd have her in her room 24/7)
Mine has been like this for a few years.
Even when I ground her (to home, to the yard, away from things) she'll just lose interest and not care. Then it doesn't even matter.
(FTR- DD is public schooled so we are not around eachother all day, every day so I don't think that's it. I think it's an age thing)