or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › I went OFF on a lady at Sam's Club yesterday
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

I went OFF on a lady at Sam's Club yesterday - Page 6

post #101 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by NiteNicole View Post
So, ya know, don't ACTUALLY going around spanking strangers but I am almost certain you saved any NUMBER of moms and their kids from getting nasty comments from that lady again.
See, I think that the retort just adds fuel to the rude lady's fire. Even though OBVIOUSLY the woman was totally rude and out of line for saying anything to the OP in the first place (and dead wrong, mind you), I'm pretty sure an exchange like this in the middle of Sam's Club is not a place where this woman is going to have a lot of self reflection.

I envision the woman's exchange with friends later going like this: "Her son was just out of control, so I told her he needed a smack...and then she shouted at ME that I should be smacked and put her FINGER in my FACE! No wonder her son is so out of control, she has no manners either!"

....not "You know, she was right and I shouldn't have said anything to her. I don't know what was going on with her day, or her son."

If it was that easy (i.e., dish back what they dished to you) to get a rude person in public to reflect on their actions, we wouldn't have so many rude people walking around.



And yeah, I'm creeping up on 40 and can't imagine being called "elderly" in 14 years. : No matter her age, she was rude and acted poorly.....but acting back in kind doesn't really do anything to further the cause, you know? Again, standing up for oneself against rude behavior with a blunt, calm, confident comment or even some calmly delivered snark, sure - but I'm not getting the kudos on the thread, either...
post #102 of 198
Quote:
not "You know, she was right and I shouldn't have said anything to her. I don't know what was going on with her day, or her son."
Oh no, I don't envision anything like that going down. People make those little nasty comments "to themselves" because they think they're going to get away with it and no one is going to say anything. I think once that's been busted, they may think twice before trying it out again because the next Mom may give her a verbal smack down, too.
post #103 of 198
Mmm, point taken. I hadn't thought of it that way, that *maybe* she was intending to comment more to herself than the OP.
post #104 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post
Mmm, point taken. I hadn't thought of it that way, that *maybe* she was intending to comment more to herself than the OP.
Look at how she reacted to the OP's first "WHAT did you say?" She had no intention of the OP acknowledging the remark at all.

Oh, and it's that "WHAT did you say?" that puts me firmly on the side of the OP having done the right thing. That UAV had plenty of warning that mama bear was angry and she went and mouthed off again. She asked for trouble, she got trouble, she was lucky trouble wasn't any worse.
post #105 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post
Look at how she reacted to the OP's first "WHAT did you say?" She had no intention of the OP acknowledging the remark at all.

Oh, and it's that "WHAT did you say?" that puts me firmly on the side of the OP having done the right thing. That UAV had plenty of warning that mama bear was angry and she went and mouthed off again. She asked for trouble, she got trouble, she was lucky trouble wasn't any worse.
I'm just not feeling it. Mama bear yes, but not this way. We'll just have to agree to disagree. I agree with a lot of your posts, this is a very rare exception!

I just don't find menacing a person who is menacing you (unless it's literally a physical menacing attack and you're defending yourself from imminent physical harm or repeated verbal assault of someone you interact with daily) to be something I applaud. Verbal attacks like this suck, and I think responses are appropriate, just not responses in kind.
post #106 of 198
Put me in the camp that the lady had it coming and it was well dished! I agree with posters who have stated that meeting rudeless with silence makes one into a doormat. I think that women are especially conditioned to suck it up in situations that require confrontation, and I am glad that the OP spoke up.

Does this teach our children to be rude? No way. It teaches that rude people get met with opposition...an important lesson to a child who may be bullied some day. Do you peacemakers want your children to just walk away when some bully is tormenting them?

Also, am I the only one who doesn't get the whole "don't honk at people" thing mentioned earlier in the thread? That's what the horn is for...right?
post #107 of 198
But why does the opposition have to be rude, too? THAT'S the part I'm not getting.
post #108 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post
Put me in the camp that the lady had it coming and it was well dished! I agree with posters who have stated that meeting rudeless with silence makes one into a doormat. I think that women are especially conditioned to suck it up in situations that require confrontation, and I am glad that the OP spoke up.

Does this teach our children to be rude? No way. It teaches that rude people get met with opposition...an important lesson to a child who may be bullied some day. Do you peacemakers want your children to just walk away when some bully is tormenting them?

Also, am I the only one who doesn't get the whole "don't honk at people" thing mentioned earlier in the thread? That's what the horn is for...right?
Nope- not to me The horn is only for emergencies, imo, to let someone know they are drifting in your lane for example. Not to voice irritation after the fact- that just leads to road rage and more negative behavior on the part of the violator.
post #109 of 198
The horn is to warn drivers that they are about to hit you, or that you are about to hit them, not to express anger at someone inconsiderate who cuts you off or goes too slow. That's what I meant.

Maybe it was a bad analogy.
post #110 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by The4OfUs View Post
I envision the woman's exchange with friends later going like this: "Her son was just out of control, so I told her he needed a smack...and then she shouted at ME that I should be smacked and put her FINGER in my FACE! No wonder her son is so out of control, she has no manners either!"
Wait a minute! This woman obviously DOESN'T think it's rude to say people need a smack if you disagree with how they're acting -- so she can't LOGICALLY think it's rude for someone else to tell her SHE needs a smack if they happen to disagree with her, now can she?

I realize she probably IS just illogical enough to gripe to her friends -- but here's to hoping that at least one of her friends is as shoot-from-the-hip as she is, and tells her, "YOU were rude, hon. And rude begets rude."
post #111 of 198
Thread Starter 
It's me again.

I just wanted to let you all know that I didn't leave the thread earlier because I only expected positive comments or congrats on what I had said. I just got to the point where I didn't really know how to respond to some of the comments because they were based on an incorrect assumption that the lady was elderly or that we got into a "shouting match." And now I see that a poster has brought in a sexual abuse reference because the comment on both sides involved the words "butt smacked." That blows my mind.

I lost my cool and I admitted that. I was rude and I've admitted that too. But even Ghandi lost his cool once in awhile, I'm sure. It was a very human moment just like we've all had. Not once did in any of my posts did I say I thought I did the right thing, or that others should do the same.

I will freely admit that her comment made me very angry. It was unhelpful and unwanted. I found it offensive. As a child I was often spanked hard enough that I remember finding bruises on my rear in the exact shape of the stripes on my underwear. I'm sure if anyone ever says something like that again, I will handle it differently. It's easy to look back at a situation and know exactly what you would say, just as it's easy to read a post and know exactly what someone else "should" have said, yes?

Thanks to those of you who have shared times when similar situations have happened to you and how you handled it. It's been very helpful to read them and realize that I'm not the only who's had something nasty like this said to them by a stranger. I've been a mother for 14 years, and had never been in that position before.

edit: Sheesh...now I can't stop worrying that I've offended people on this thread. What a world - one day you're telling a stranger their butt should be smacked, and the next day you're worried you've hurt someone's feelings on a message board.
post #112 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post
Put me in the camp that the lady had it coming and it was well dished! I agree with posters who have stated that meeting rudeless with silence makes one into a doormat. I think that women are especially conditioned to suck it up in situations that require confrontation, and I am glad that the OP spoke up.

Does this teach our children to be rude? No way. It teaches that rude people get met with opposition...an important lesson to a child who may be bullied some day. Do you peacemakers want your children to just walk away when some bully is tormenting them?

Also, am I the only one who doesn't get the whole "don't honk at people" thing mentioned earlier in the thread? That's what the horn is for...right?
Yes, yes, and quadruple yes on the bolded. My mom raised me with the belief we are supposed to "ignore" people who are nasty (that's what "good girls" are supposed to do) and it is complete BS. I've had misdirected anger my whole life...I used to always be the "victim." As an adult, I've been working on being more assertive and learned sometimes that means being not so "nice."

My mom thinks it's wrong, but I see her ideals bring her—a lot of misery. She's always complaining about someone hurting her and she carries her anger around her continuously—subconsciously taking it out on family members who live with her. That is not a healthy way to live.
post #113 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Chamomile Girl View Post
Put me in the camp that the lady had it coming and it was well dished! I agree with posters who have stated that meeting rudeless with silence makes one into a doormat. I think that women are especially conditioned to suck it up in situations that require confrontation, and I am glad that the OP spoke up.
I think you should stick up for yourself but I think you can do it without being rude to the other person in return. When the OP asked her to repeat what she had said, that would have been enough to stop the lady in her tracks as she it would have been embarrassing to have been called out on your snide comment or you could have said something "we believe spanking is wrong".

I don't think the public humiliation of you yelling at the lady would have worked as the lady would have been to busy being embarrassed to think about spanking.

I don't think it makes you a doormat if you take the higher ground and ignore the rude comment.
post #114 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by beansmama View Post
Duuuuude. Didn't read all the responses yet, so not sure if this was said already - but the OP said she was about 50. That is HARDLY elderly...I'm pretty sure my mom and dad would be fairly offended to find out that people thought that was "elderly".
When the OP originally posted she called the lady elderly which is why we all referred to her elderly in our replies it wasn't til later that the OP edited her post and told the lady's real age not that it really matters.
post #115 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy View Post
edit: Sheesh...now I can't stop worrying that I've offended people on this thread. What a world - one day you're telling a stranger their butt should be smacked, and the next day you're worried you've hurt someone's feelings on a message board.
I totally understand being frustrated with your child's behavior and with the woman's comment. I can't say that I'm offended with the thread. . .it actually embarrasses me that so many people say that it's okay to treat another person the way either party (you and the woman) treated one another. It also made me embarrassed when pp made comments about it being okay to swear at another person in this situation. I believe we should all be kind to each other, I believe that elders should be shown a certain amount of respect (even at 50, she's older than me and therefore I should show her some respect), I believe that sometimes we need to bite our tongues when people display their ignorance. Perhaps I've changed since living in Japan and seeing Americans from a different viewpoint. . .we are known to be rude, loud, destructive. . .and it's not just the Japanese who feel this way, most of the world feels this way. Reading a lot of these posts reinforce that viewpoint. I'm truly embarrassed!
post #116 of 198
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by baltic_ballet View Post
When the OP originally posted she called the lady elderly which is why we all referred to her elderly in our replies it wasn't til later that the OP edited her post and told the lady's real age not that it really matters.
I called her "older" and then edited my original post because people had started calling her elderly. I would never have called that lady elderly.
post #117 of 198
Thread Starter 
Forgot to add - I'm finding the disagreements over what kind of comeback/comment would have made the lady reconsider her statement interesting. If someone is a strong enough proponent of spanking that they say something like that to a stranger, would *anything* make them change their stance? Even saying something fairly neutral like "we don't believe in hitting people" wouldn't make any difference to her, and it certainly wouldn't make her think twice about being just as nasty to the next mom. I asked her what she said, which maybe would have made most people back off, but she believed in her statement enough (and the correctness of saying it unsolicited to a stranger) to repeat it. I dunno - just wondering.
post #118 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy View Post
Forgot to add - I'm finding the disagreements over what kind of comeback/comment would have made the lady reconsider her statement interesting. If someone is a strong enough proponent of spanking that they say something like that to a stranger, would *anything* make them change their stance? Even saying something fairly neutral like "we don't believe in hitting people" wouldn't make any difference to her, and it certainly wouldn't make her think twice about being just as nasty to the next mom. I asked her what she said, which maybe would have made most people back off, but she believed in her statement enough (and the correctness of saying it unsolicited to a stranger) to repeat it. I dunno - just wondering.
But yelling "you need your butt spanked" won't make her change her mind either.

You've got to remember that your not going to be able change everybody opinion so why should you make yourself look a crazy person when it may not make a difference?
post #119 of 198
First, I think you were right to say something. Some people are so rude (she probably comments about other's people parenting all the time), and probably most people just take it.

However, I do think that, in general, calm responses (especially to snide comments) make more of an impression and model better behavior for children.

After a long day shopping with children, I have no idea how I would have reacted. I would probably have backed down, said nothing, and felt bad about it for hours. I hope, though, that I would have stopped, looked her in the eye, and said calmly, "I love my children even when they misbehave, and I would never hit them," or maybe more pointedly--still calmly!-- "Ma'am, I think you should mind your own affairs."

That is really what you meant anyway, right?

This sort of situation is really so dispiriting-- I hate hate hate when other people, especially strangers, intrude on my parenting in this way, especially when I feel that I'm doing the best I can. It's probably good to have some sort of rote response to avoid either a)saying nothing or b)saying too much.

I do not think, though, that you are "just as bad as she is." She initiated, you reacted as best you could in that moment.
post #120 of 198
It's fine to talk about what the OP might say if this happens again, but it is incredibly difficult (at least for me) to be reasonable when being attacked-- whether it's physical or verbal. The fight or flight response is instinctive.

I am impressed with people who can keep their cool in these situations, but I am not one of them. If someone is going to be stupid enough to openly insult a mama's parenting or her children-- she needs to be prepared for what's coming back at her because most people aren't going to think logically in that situation.

Once, my aunt stuffed my baby's mouth full of whipped cream because she thought it was ridiculous that I didn't give my baby sugar. I smacked my aunt's hand. I didn't mean to do it; I'm not proud of it. I made my aunt cry. I'd like to think that I wouldn't do it again, but I honestly don't know. I was angry, and it was my gut response.

At least the OP didn't smack the woman in the store! I'm sure that woman still believes she was right, but maybe next time she won't say it out loud. If she said something like that to a less confident mama, that mama might think, "Maybe I should be spanking my child. . . ."
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Parenting
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Mom › Parenting › I went OFF on a lady at Sam's Club yesterday