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I went OFF on a lady at Sam's Club yesterday - Page 4

post #61 of 198
wow this thread has really surprised me.

i am in the OP was rude too club.

both of you are in the same camp. old strongly believes a child should be smacked. you strongly believe they should not. both of you had strong beliefs. and both of you are creatures of your times. old lady grew up with smacking. you didnt.

honestly i find your comment ruder than old lady's. i have worked with old people so perhaps i am sensitive to their situation. they are mostly - not all - ignored lonely people left by society to die. does it mean they have to be rude. no of course not. but does it mean we as the younger generation should have some sympathy for them. absolutely!!!!

it was a situation which i would never wish my child to know about. i would absolutely not want her to imagine her mom could go off that way. esp. when i am showing her that everyone has a mouth and has the right to say what they want. but its upto us to control ourselves. just coz others cant doesnt mean we join them.

please know OP i come with utmost support for you. i kinda have been in teh same boat with a 3 year old on the floor screaming fit. i have faced some similar comments. now if you had said, smacking the butt does not solve any problems - now yeah that would have been perfect.

but your comment was just plain rude. it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. your comment achieved nothing except for you venting. not that it was meant to.

so in my books if you regret those words then totally i agree with you.
post #62 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy View Post
I'm still not sure how I feel about my behavior. On one hand I feel badly for yelling at her, especially in front of my son, but on the other hand...maybe she'll think twice before making nasty comments.
I don't feel good after engaging in "eye for an eye" behavior-you can certainly encounter all kinds of crazy out there though, and we're only human.
post #63 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by eclipse View Post
The natural consequence of being nasty and rude is people being nasty right back to you.

But how is this going to help the situation? instead of the op remaining calm which would have help her child calm down, she yelled at another person.
post #64 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by not now View Post
Had you said something to her calmly about not hitting children I would be applauding you but not this.
I agree I don't get why the members here are applauding the op being rude and in my opinion humiliating another adult.
post #65 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by mammal_mama View Post
Well, I can't speak for the OP -- but it's not my goal in life to be "better" than anyone else anyway. I'm perfectly happy to just be equal members of the human race.

It not a matter of being better than another person it knowing how to treat others; yes the snide comment from the old lady was wrong but so was yelling rudely at another human being.
post #66 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by Zenful View Post
Even if the comment did hurt the child, I'd probably just explain later that the lady probably has a lot of anger that she doesn't know what to do with and hearing a child crying in a store seemed to make the anger flare up, for whatever reason.
Quote:
Originally Posted by baltic_ballet View Post
It might have made you feel good for a little while but in my opinion your no better than her.
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
I agree. While I disagree with what the older lady said to you I don't see how being equally rude back is okay, especially if your child heard what you said.
Quote:
Originally Posted by not now View Post
I agree with that. I'm kinda appalled that you almost seem proud of that comment and that you're getting so many praises. This board talks heaps about respecting children and teaching them respect. Speaking to an old lady like that and sticking your finger in her face? Not respectful, not any way to talk to adult who you don't know nor will probably never see again. I know we all get that mama bear instinct but she made a comment in passing, she didn't threaten your child. Yes I know hitting is violent but she wasn't forcing you to do it, she was expressing her opinion. Just because someone is rude to you doesn't mean you have to be rude back. It's not like she was following you telling you what to do. It was what, a few seconds in passing? Why waste the energy to say something back? Personally, it's not worth my time.

Had you said something to her calmly about not hitting children I would be applauding you but not this.
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia View Post
I think you were just as rude as her, and you did it in front of your child. If you don't believe that hitting is appropriate for your child, then why in heaven's name would it be appropriate to hit an elderly woman?

I would of just rolled my eyes at her, and then calmly explained to my child that we would never do that, as I don't hit people--young or old.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why everyone here thinks you did the right thing.

I am certainly not perfect and have lost my cool at times, but I always feel appropriately chagrined after the fact--and will even tell my kids "momma should not have said that...".
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia View Post
Sometimes the elderly do say things that seem inappropriate. There could be many reasons for this, even mental health reasons. I am seeking kindness in my life, and I would never suggest that people should hit defenseless children--just as I would never suggest hitting anyone.

I just think two wrongs don't make a right. I can see you don't agree with me...and that's okay. I was just expressing my opinion about it. I think that what the older woman said was inappropriate, but the response that the OP gave could have been better. Threatening to hit anyone is never the answer in my mind.
Forgive me for quoting so much. . .but I agree with these poster's comments. It is never okay to speak to another person the way you spoke to that woman. You took away an opportunity to educate your child about how people should speak with one another. There will always be ignorant people with regards to gentle parenting, natural living, etc. . . we should take moments to educate not only the other person (if it's the appropriate moment) but our children in proper responses, actions, etc. . .
post #67 of 198
People who make nasty judgemental comments like this older lady do it because they think they can get away with it. Most people will quietly rush away and leave jerks feeling that they've won some victory.

I'm not a believer in "turn the other cheek", I'm more a "don't dish if you can't take it" person.

We live in a society where the craziest, rudest person in the room takes control and everyone else sits back and tries not to make a scene, frankly I'm sick to death of that dynamic.

Speak up! If nothing else a calm "that was inappropriate" or "mind your own business" is never out of place. Neither is the op's reply.
post #68 of 198
Thread Starter 
Sorry to burst the bubble of those of you who are picturing me screaming at a frail 80-year-old lady! I said "older." Umm, she was in her early 50s, tops.

Whether you agree or disagree with what I said is fine - I didn't ask for your opinion of my behavior (though I understand I invited it by posting my story). What I *did* ask for was stories from others who have been in that situation. Nowhere in my post did I state that I thought I was "better than" the lady who was rude to me.
post #69 of 198
Yes, I've had it happen - at least 4 times that I can clearly remember.

Ds is aspergers and when he was 2-3 the tantrums were just awful. He got over stimulated in stores and hated transitions. Yeah, we got those comments - we live in the deep south and nearly everyone spanks. It's their answer to everything. I was once even told to go get a switch. :

I'm sure this thread has taken a different direction (since it's 4 pages!) but wanted to share that yes, I've been there. Don't think I ever snapped back, but I most certainly understand WANTING to. It's just awful to be dealing with your child, trying to get out of a store and have some stranger tell you to hit them. OP, I understand where you are coming from.
post #70 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia View Post
I think you were just as rude as her, and you did it in front of your child. If you don't believe that hitting is appropriate for your child, then why in heaven's name would it be appropriate to hit an elderly woman?

I would of just rolled my eyes at her, and then calmly explained to my child that we would never do that, as I don't hit people--young or old.

I cannot for the life of me figure out why everyone here thinks you did the right thing.

I am certainly not perfect and have lost my cool at times, but I always feel appropriately chagrined after the fact--and will even tell my kids "momma should not have said that...".
I agree with an older person, I generally just smile and ignore when they say something and let it go. I am not getting into an argument or extended discussion about parenting to prove a point. Where is the kindness or humanity in that?



Quote:
Originally Posted by LisainCalifornia View Post
Sometimes the elderly do say things that seem inappropriate. There could be many reasons for this, even mental health reasons. I am seeking kindness in my life, and I would never suggest that people should hit defenseless children--just as I would never suggest hitting anyone.

I just think two wrongs don't make a right. I can see you don't agree with me...and that's okay. I was just expressing my opinion about it. I think that what the older woman said was inappropriate, but the response that the OP gave could have been better. Threatening to hit anyone is never the answer in my mind.

Take care,
Lisa
Exactly. At one point in my career, I worked with the elderly who were living in low income housing and learned so many are isolated and yes, they sometimes say inappropriate things.

Quote:
Originally Posted by meemee View Post
wow this thread has really surprised me.

i am in the OP was rude too club.

both of you are in the same camp. old strongly believes a child should be smacked. you strongly believe they should not. both of you had strong beliefs. and both of you are creatures of your times. old lady grew up with smacking. you didnt.

honestly i find your comment ruder than old lady's. i have worked with old people so perhaps i am sensitive to their situation. they are mostly - not all - ignored lonely people left by society to die. does it mean they have to be rude. no of course not. but does it mean we as the younger generation should have some sympathy for them. absolutely!!!!

it was a situation which i would never wish my child to know about. i would absolutely not want her to imagine her mom could go off that way. esp. when i am showing her that everyone has a mouth and has the right to say what they want. but its upto us to control ourselves. just coz others cant doesnt mean we join them.

please know OP i come with utmost support for you. i kinda have been in teh same boat with a 3 year old on the floor screaming fit. i have faced some similar comments. now if you had said, smacking the butt does not solve any problems - now yeah that would have been perfect.

but your comment was just plain rude. it leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. your comment achieved nothing except for you venting. not that it was meant to.

so in my books if you regret those words then totally i agree with you.
This post really resonated with me, I understand that as AP parents our Mama Bear instinct is strong but can we not realize that one day the very parenting styles we embrace may be out of style. One day we may be that older woman trying to say something nice only to get our heads bitten off...I have seen in my own family older folks essentially put out to pasture by the young.

I understand the OP was in a frustrated moment but I guess I see it as a moment where I would have said with a smile, nah a swat would only make things worse and went about my day. I also think that for my kids I would want to model being respectful of others even when we are not in agreement.

Shay
post #71 of 198
Thread Starter 
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

edit: I'm going on about my day now and leaving my thread in the dust. I think that some of the comments aren't even dealing with the situation that actually happened, and that isn't helpful. Have a good day, everyone.
post #72 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy View Post
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

And I'm sorry, but this wasn't a person "trying to say something nicely only to get her head bitten off." And she definately wasn't an elderly, isolated, confused lady. She was a person who made a mean comment just for the sake of saying so. Call me rude if you will (and I agree that I *was* rude, hence being torn about my behavior as I stated in my OP), but I can't wrap my head around how this older lady rude to me in Sam's Club has turned into a nice elderly lady just trying to help me out with her sage wisdom. I guess that's the power of a message board!
We don't believe in hitting ANYone, child and adult alike. THat is why I wouldn't have said what you said. I might have said something about how she was rude, but not that she should be smacked. because really, I wouldn't think she should be. Neither my child nor a woman in the store deserve to be struck, especially for only 'saying' something.
post #73 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy View Post
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

edit: I'm going on about my day now and leaving my thread in the dust. I think that some of the comments aren't even dealing with the situation that actually happened, and that isn't helpful. Have a good day, everyone.
For the record nobody (including those of us who thought your reaction was rude) said the lady was just a sweet old lady just trying to give you some advice, we all stated that what she said was rude but in some members opinion it didn't justify you being rude in return.

I am sorry you feel your thread didn't go the way you hope it would.
post #74 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy View Post
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

edit: I'm going on about my day now and leaving my thread in the dust. I think that some of the comments aren't even dealing with the situation that actually happened, and that isn't helpful. Have a good day, everyone.
To be honest, I don't really understand posting something like this publicly if you only expect congratulatory comments. Obviously, not everyone is going to agree with everything that we all do. If you only want positive feedback, maybe you should only tell your closest friends about stuff like this.

As for everyone who is worried about the example that was set for the child, I seriously doubt that a bawling 3yo even had the presence of mind to listen to the comments that were made. IME, upset children often don't even hear you when you speak directly TO them.

Personally, I wouldn't have done what you did. I would have told her that I wasn't interested in her parenting advice, and that's about all. And yes, I have dealt with an out-of-control 3yo in public places. DS1 was a hellion, and I was often alone with him AND a baby when their dad was on deployment.

What you did was reactionary and human, but not necessarily a good thing.
post #75 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by operamommy
*heavy sigh* I am so incredibly sorry that I started this thread now.

And I'm sorry, but this wasn't a person "trying to say something nicely only to get her head bitten off." And she definately wasn't an elderly, isolated, confused lady. She was a person who made a mean comment just for the sake of saying so. Call me rude if you will (and I agree that I *was* rude, hence being torn about my behavior as I stated in my OP), but I can't wrap my head around how this older lady rude to me in Sam's Club has turned into a nice elderly lady just trying to help me out with her sage wisdom. I guess that's the power of a message board!
I guess what I don't understand is the bolded part - if that is what really bothered you then why did you turn the tables and do the same exact thing back at her? I have certainly met people in my 7 plus years as a mom that have felt the need to give unwanted advice (especially people who feel the need to tell kids that they are too old for pacifier/thumb sucking and tell said child how they feel) but getting into a shouting match with these advice-givers never helps the situation and only lowers you to the other person's level.
post #76 of 198
Quote:
Originally Posted by TCMoulton View Post
I guess what I don't understand is the bolded part - if that is what really bothered you then why did you turn the tables and do the same exact thing back at her? I have certainly met people in my 7 plus years as a mom that have felt the need to give unwanted advice (especially people who feel the need to tell kids that they are too old for pacifier/thumb sucking and tell said child how they feel) but getting into a shouting match with these advice-givers never helps the situation and only lowers you to the other person's level.
I don't think a retort to someone's rude comment is rude just for the sake of being rude. It's letting someone know, in no uncertain circumstances, that what they said was inappropriate and uncalled for.
post #77 of 198
I think your response is great. People really need to mind their own business when it comes to other people's kids and you totally called her out! Awesome.
post #78 of 198
While I can think of something else the OP could have said to the woman, I don't believe that being older means that you can get away with being rude and nasty. Even if you have pain, dementia, or alzheimer's. Now, someone who is in the end stages of these mental disorders and who truly does not know what they are doing, I would not say much to. But, IMHO, those who are that far gone are usually not out in public anyway.

My FIL was in the beginning stages of Alzheimers when he died. The entire family tiptoed around him, coddled him, and allowed him to get away with really rude behavior. I did not. He was rude to MIL. Once, when we evacuated to SIL's house in GA, for a hurricane, he wanted to turn off the A/C and wear shorts, instead of putting on some long pants to keep warm. I was pregnant, and there were 10 people in the house during a storm. I would have gotten sick. I told DH that if they did that to me, to please FIL, I would sleep in the van.

Another time, he YELLED at me over moving something out of his way so he could sit down. It was the second time that day that he decided to SCREAM at me. I told him, politely, but firmly, "You may be allowed to scream and holler at your wife and kids, but you WILL NOT yell at me or my children again. If you have a problem with me, or my kids, you can speak to me like an adult." Guess what? He never pulled that crap again, at least with me.

My son has Autism. Therefore, he can be unpredictable. However, I do not allow him to just run wild, say and do whatever the heck he wants. Why should an older person be allowed to do the same, just because he/she is older?

I live in Florida. The elderly abound. And let me tell you, some of them think that, just because they are older, that we younger folks should cowtow to them.

Once, an old man made a snide remark about my son (autism) who was having a meltdown and who we were trying to get out of the store as fast as we could. I told DH to take the kids on to the car. I told that older man. "My son has a developmental disorder called Autism. Sometimes, he is unable to express himself in an age-apprpropriate manner. He is not doing this to bother you on purpose." He said, " If that were my kid, I would spank his butt." I told him, "Yes, and if I did, you would be the first to call DCF on me. Maybe you should learn more about developmental disorders before you spout off your mouth next time. Good day." And then I left.

Takin up for yourself is not rude. Being older does not mean that others have to let you run your mouth and be nasty.
post #79 of 198
This cracked me up. I'm putting it in my file to say next time some incredibly rude person feels the need to comment on my parenting in public.
post #80 of 198
Being respectful and showing respect to other ppl (regardless of age) does not mean you have to be a doormat.
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