Parents of a known donor

[citygirl144]

Hi all - I am very curious as to how folks using a KD navigate the issue of the KD's parents. It seems this is a sticking point with the men we've talked to,as most of them want some sort of "grand parent" privileges for their parents (with a wide range of what that means) and us feeling a bit nervous about that (perhaps because we already have two sets of very involved grand parents-to- be, and the thought of another pair seems like a bit much).On the other hand maybe it would be lovely, depending on who they are. Does anyone here have a "grand parent" relationship with the KD's parents? What does that mean to your family and how has it worked out? Do some KDs just decide not to tell their families? How has that worked? Thanks, as always, for sharing any experiences you might have!

[lexbeach]

We did not use a KD, so I don't have personal experience with this issue (though, from time to time I do wonder what our donor's mother would think if she suddenly found out about our kids and got to meet them . . . I believe this comes from me imagining myself in her position, were any of my sons to grow up and decide to donate their sperm), but we have friends who have some experience with it. Their son's donor's parents did end up wanting to be involved, which was not exactly what our friends had in mind (though it was not a deal-breaker for them). The main troubles they have had have been with the donor's parents sending extravagant gifts to their child. They live far enough away that visiting isn't an issue, but they send lots and lots of presents (huge things like a giant bounce house, or things our friends don't want their son to have, like video games).

I personally feel like a kid can't have too many people who love him/her, nor can a kid have too many grandparents. I think it is fair and understandable that the donor would want to let his parents know, though I also understand if you're only interested in donors who wouldn't want to tell their parents, assuming that the donor himself was not going to be involved in your kid's life.

Lex

[basje]

I didn't end up using a KD, but I had some experince with the whole situation when I was ttc with my ex a year ago. I think it depends on what you're looking for in a donor. My ex and I were looking for a donor, that's it. We didn't want to have someone who was involved in any way. We wanted to use a known donor because sperm banks just don't take the information that was important to us. We wanted someone gay, non-violent and no family history of mental illness (because my ex-wife already has schizprenia and we were going to use her eggs). We did find a donor we liked through the gay family options website but seperated a month before ttc. We asked and interviewed a lot of people, the process took us almost a year.

My suggestion, don't compromise what you want. Talk about it with your partner (if you have one) and decide independent of the donor what you want. If you are choosing a donor who will have a role in your child's life, remember you'll be dealing with that person likely for as long as you're alive. And if grandparents are involved, you'll be dealing with them for a long time too, almost like having another set of in-laws. Just think deeply about what you want and ask for it.

[kjm]

I'm in a bit of a precarious situation in this regard. My KD's mom has been known to make snarky comments in the past (ie when I was trying with a different KD "would she use your sperm if I paid her? Oh forget it I would hate for any grandchild of mine to be running around the woods barefoot") Such comments are a major reason that I didn't try with this KD for 2 years!! When we decided to try we didn't say anything to her. He told her once I was out of my 1st Trimester and her only response "I thought that might happen".

I'm fine with that. But surprisingly my KD is disappointed that she isn't more excited? proud of him? relieved that there genes will live on? its kind of weird.

He asked me to sit her down and discuss the options of how she could participate in Kale's life, he hoped that would get her "on board more." I told him I that isn't my burden to bare. I don't care if she is involved at all, or a little (it wont be more than that because despite my 17 years of friendship with KD his mom and I don't have any sort of relationship). I understand his desire for validation from her, but it wont happen at my cost. If she wants a role than I feel she needs to initiate the conversation.

I believe ALL this will change once there is an actual baby. Her interest will probably perk up, but in the meantime I'm not going to extend an invitation into my life especially considering her obvious judgment of how I will raise my child. If she wants in--the more the merrier!! I mean DP's mom is planning on being a FULL Fledged Grandma, despite DP's NOT co-parenting. I am infinitely flexible, but don't make me have to figure stuff out for KD's mom?? I have enough stuff I'm working through over here!!!

[simcon]

Our KD's parents are not involved with our kids, and that's how we wanted it--we did hang out with them one Fathers Day (of all days, it just happened to fall on that day!) in M's first year, before our second parent adoption was complete, and they were very good--totally deferred to my partner, the non-bio mom as a parent and had no weird vibes about the baby. Our KD's brother is my fb friend, and I know it's only to see pics of the kids, but that is just fine with me.

I admire Keely for her openness to those relationships! But they weren't for us--our kids already have many grandparents (3 grandmothers and 3 grandfathers because of divorce/remarriage), and it would have been tricky for us to negotiate more grandparent-like relationships.

[carmen358]

DP and I were talking about this over the weekend actually. Our KD will have no parenting role at all but he is an old friend of mine so will likely see the child on occasion (once or twice a year maybe). The one 'issue' he brought up when we were discussing how things would look after baby was here was the fact that his mom might be sad because it would be "her first grandchild" (his use of quotes). However, he did say that that wouldn't change how to felt about it or his decision (to go ahead with being a donor at that point). We told him that we would never tell him who he could or could not tell as neither DP nor I feel that that is our right. We decided to cross the "grandparent" bridge when/if we come to it. I doubt it will come to that but you never know. KD is straight, in a long term relationship and planning on having a family of his own so his mom will get her fill of grandkids one day I'm sure. I'm still not sure how I feel about it and neither is DP...

[citygirl144]

Thanks for sharing your experiences! I wanted to ask another question of you veterans out there- how did you handle STI testing for your KD? Did you get all the tests reccomended in the Brill book? Did you test for HIV and then wait 6 months before proceeding? I want to be careful but 6 months seems like forever! All these questions are coming up b/c we thought we'd lost hope on our KD search but then met with a really fantastic friend of a friend last night who is interested! fingers crossed.....he requested reading materials so he is reading the Brill chapter on KD right now...hopefully won't freak him out, its so much information.

[simcon]

We are close friends with our KD and he was in a committed, long-term, monogamous relationship at the times we inseminated, so we trusted him that we didn't need a 6-month quarantine period after the testing (btw, we said, "please get tested for STDs and give us the bill" and he did--maybe we gave him a list? He said it was covered by his insurance the first time, and that they all were fine--and he described his appointment, but we didn't ask to see anything, though he offered to get the paperwork for us. The second time we had a fertility clinic involved, so they required the tests and had the results sent to them--and again, his insurance covered the costs, and we didn't inquire into the specifics because of the clinic's involvement) I wouldn't say that we are the model, though, for what one *should* do.

The thing about using a known donor is that there's always an element of risk, and you have to be comfortable talking about sex, and, in particular, you need to know if he has had/does have unsafe sex. The only way to get rid of that health risk is to freeze the sperm and do the quarantine, and being able to use fresh sperm is one of the big advantages of having a known donor.

[megincl]

Our KD's parents have both passed away, but his father was alive before we TTC Quinn, who's now 6. KD told his father about being our donor, and he's been up front with his friends and family about it. I think he's done an amazing job communicating with them about the relationship that we've created between him and us/Quinn. That said, in the beginning, some referred to Quinn as his son or to KD as Quinn's dad. But they didn't have an overwhelming desire to meet Quinn. Some sent presents, and we've met a few here or there, but all when Quinn was older, so it's been clearer by then what the relationship was among everyone involved. I do know that many of his friends and family keep up on the life of Quinn, which I think is cool.

As for the testing business, KD has been in a monogamous relationship (two different ones) each time we've been TTC. He's been tested, but we didn't do the 6 month wait, given the monogamy and the trust that we had in his sexual practices and those of his partner. I agree with Simcon, though, that there's a level of risk you have to be willing to assume...something that comes along with the benefit of having a KD. So I'd be certain that you can really negotiate all the ins and outs with any potential KD and that no questions are left in your mind about health, future relationships, etc.

Best of luck!
megin

[megan sacha]

Our KD decided not to tell his parents (and as far as I know never has) because he thought it would be too hard on them. He is gay and doesn't have children of his own and he knows his mom would like him to have kids.
the idea of her finding out kind of freaks me out at this point.

As for STD testing, we did give a list (probably from Brill's book) for DS to get tested for. We helped him find a doctor who he could be honest with since he felt the docs he had been to were a bit homophobic. He loved the doc we found, he was tested and told us the results on the phone. We didn't wait 6 months for a second HIV test as he is regularly tested for it at least once a year and had been in a monogamous relationship for many years. Even still, there is definitely a large element of trust, as well as trust that his partner has been monogamous.

[erthe_mama]

Wow... there seems to be a lot of monogamy-centric language in here.

Our KD is poly, but practices safer sex and will also undergo STI testing (since it is in our donorship agreement). We certainly don't feel that we are at risk.

eta: DP and I are both totally cool with KD's parents having a grandparent role as long as they know they are not going to be involved with any decisions we make for our child. Neither is KD for that matter. He's in agreement.

[starling&diesel]

I'll add an interesting spin ... we 'adopted' our DD as an embryo, from friends who gifted us 6 of their embryos. They are two women, who used an anonymous sperm donor, and the eggs of one of the women, which were then implanted into the other woman. They have two girls. They gave us 6 embryos, and we used 2 and became pregnant with DD (we have 4 left). The parents of the woman whose eggs were used know all about the arrangement, and will have a relationship of sorts with DD. We figure the more the merrier!
They won't see her as often as our parents, but they will see her and have on several occasions. But the relationship is more like a grand-niece than grand-daughter, if that makes sense.