I feel terrible

[MRJmama]

My lovely 10 yo DD who has been having major issues with back talking and being very disrespectful when she speaks with me went to school angry this morning.

So I had it this morning and while my DD was screaming at me to the point she even had her eyes closed, now she was doing this over something small, like her homework that needed to go into her backpack or something like that.

I could not get a word in and DH was on the phone and gave me a dirty look and walked into the other room. I tried twice to talk her down so I could talk to her and she kept on.

Well I went up to her and tapped her across the cheek....I don't know why and I don't agree with that kind of behavior from me, but it happened.

Now DH is saying I hope she doesn't say anything to anyone at school.....talk about making me who feels really bad to begin with even worse

[MRJmama]

Thanks guys...I feel much better now...

[jeliphish]

although what happened is not what MDC encourages...there are plenty of stories on here where myself and other mom's have been at the end of their rope. I understand the anger/rage that can creep up... and there are times throughout life that we act unlike our normal selves. You, your DH, and your DD all understand that this is not a normal occurance- it was an unfortunate event that I know you feel extremely guilty about. Pre-teens and teens can be a handful...I remember being 15 and going absolutely nuts on my mom because she wouldn't let me go see my boyfriend (what a horrible mom ) and I ended up spitting at her, calling her a Fing bitch. She slapped the hell out of my face.
Now.... my behavior that night was uncalled for and out of character. Her response was certainly out of character. My parents were nearly the model for gentle parenting and I am so thankful that they gave me the ability to be who I am today. That one event was not a reflection of their parenting or my normal behavior...it was an unfortunate occurance, which I'm sure is the same situation that you are in.

[karne]

I hear you. It is absolutely amazing and humbling to see what comes out of us as parents in times of extreme stress. I'm guessing that this type of interaction doesn't represent your day to day interactions based on how badly you feel. Try to remember that. Talk w/ your dd about it in a calm time. Talk about making a mistake, about feeling overwhelmed by the interaction. Can you come up together with a plan of what to do when things escalate?

I read something the other day that really struck me. The piece was addressing those moments that are getting out of control or escalating to a place where there is no good end. It said that someone had to choose to break the cycle in that moment, and the someone needed to be the parent. Simple, but true.

Lately I have been going over and over my interactions w/ my pre-teen. we have a generally close and loving relationship, but there are definitely lots of emotions whizzing around out there, and unexpected intensely emotional interactions. So many times I think, "I could have diffused that moment". I could have walked away, used humor, asked my partner for help, hugged my child (because I do really believe it's all about connection)....the list goes on. I have to work to make these responses automatic because too often the default is annoyance, which helps no one.

Anyway, long winded, but please know you aren't alone. And, we can all learn to navigate this time-I sincerely believe it-and keep the connection with our kids.

[journeymom]

Sounds like you were pretty frustrated. I totally understand that! Some neutral time you might want to apologize to her for hitting her. Like when you're in the car together on the way to the store, a time with a definite beginning and end. Don't bring up her behavior at this time, just make a quick, sincere apology and then move on.

Originally Posted by MRJmama

Now DH is saying I hope she doesn't say anything to anyone at school.....talk about making me who feels really bad to begin with even worse

Are you afraid that she's going to tell an authority figure that her mom slapped her and then you'll be in trouble? I don't think that will happen. Remember that the non-violent parental philosophy is in the minority.