The birds and the bees.

[daytripper75]

My 4 yo dd has been asking me specific questions about reproduction and birth. I've been answering her factually; she has a keen interest in science and her mind craves details (like many other gifted preschoolers) and I usually just explain things the best I can until we can get a book from the library.
Yesterday the neighbor ladies were teasing me about how the time is going to come when dd was going to want to know the facts of life and how I was going to have to explain them to her. They thought it was so funny and that I was going to be mortified when the time came.
So, I told them the truth. She had asked, I had explained. One of the other ladies asked me what I had told her. I explained that I had described vaginal birth for my dd and how a woman's body stretches to accommodate a baby being born.
I hadn't thought ANYTHING of explaining this to dd. I explained it, she asked a couple of matter of fact questions, I answered them and then she moved on to the next topic. It was a pretty typical conversation.
The neighbors were SHOCKED! Apparently, I gave more information than the one had given either of her two daughters (one 17, the other nearly 10.) The other said she was still waiting for her mother to explain it to her.

Having said all of this, I am fairly confident that I made the right decision in explaining a normal, biological process to my 4 year old in a simple, factual manner but it leaves me wondering if anyone else experienced this or something similar? Have you ever dealt with other adults being shocked that you explained what they consider to be too much to your child? (And what do parents say to typical children about reproduction and birth? Do they claim the stork?) I think that I would have known if she wasn't ready to hear the facts I gave her but it did start to bother me that the other women were appalled by what I had said.

This posting might also do well in The Childhood Years but I did want to hear what other parents who have gifted children had to say first.

[EXOLAX]

Originally Posted by daytripper75

Having said all of this, I am fairly confident that I made the right decision in explaining a normal, biological process to my 4 year old in a simple, factual manner but it leaves me wondering if anyone else experienced this or something similar? Have you ever dealt with other adults being shocked that you explained what they consider to be too much to your child? (And what do parents say to typical children about reproduction and birth? Do they claim the stork?) I think that I would have known if she wasn't ready to hear the facts I gave her but it did start to bother me that the other women were appalled by what I had said.

I don't view this much differently then using real words for body parts. I wonder if it was the 'vaginal birth' description they had more problems with. We have had many people shocked by our DD (when she was 2 years old) putting a stuffed animal in her shirt and saying "There's a baby in my uterus!!! Wait, it's coming out of my vagina... grunt, gurgle, grunt... here's my new baby!". I think the more common version is "There's a baby in my tummy, it's being born, here's my new baby".

I have had neighbor parents come over to tell me that their kids learned about vaginal birth from one or the other of my DD's. Our girls have had numerous debates/discussions with kids about it. It's led to lots of interesting discussions like when our DD's were told that "The Dr. cuts the baby out of the mom's tummy" from those who were born via c-section. The education goes both ways as I hadn't explained that option to my kids yet, but apparently our girls were adamant about babies not being in a mom's stomach. Mostly they've come back and told me that 'Jane' thinks Dr's take the baby out of the mommy.

We've had parents shocked over all of that, as well as shock over our initial answer to how does the baby get in there: brief chat about sperm and egg which eventually led to the question, "How does the sperm get inside the woman?", which we also answered. Our girls also have friends who have two mom's and they asked about that and how all of the kids have the same dad when both of the mom's have given birth. Now when I say "I have to stop off at the bank" they get a really big kick out of the wordplay.

I don't worry about it. We all do our own thing. I'm happy we have discussed it at home so our kids aren't believing misinformation they hear from other kids. They do feel bad for other kids who they feel have been lied too, but we talk about that as well. I've had people tell me that our childrens' knowledge/chatting makes them uncomfortable and I always say "Really?" (trying to be sensitive) "Why so?" and so far that conversation has always been about them and what they do and I just get to sit and listen. The other comment I get is "I think your kids know more about it then I do." which doesn't need a response.

Now, our 5 year old asked about a month ago what the purpose of a clitoris was....

[no5no5]

Eh. My 3 year old has known about that stuff for months. She's even seen videos of vaginal birth (both human and animal). And she knows how I got pregnant (the traditional way). The only thing I haven't told her yet is about nontraditional methods of getting pregnant and giving birth. I don't want to be heterosexist or leave out C-sections (particularly because we live in a part of the country in which they are the norm), but I'm still not sure how to explain it without being overly complicated.

We have a friend whose daughter talked about her clitoris when she was 2 or 3, and I'll admit that it did freak me out a bit, but I got over it promptly.

On a related note, has anyone discovered a book that might be appropriate for younger kids but not babyish? I tried to find one recently, but I failed miserably. DD has an anatomy book but I don't think it's enough for her.

[heatherdeg]

:

I've escaped the really hard questions at the moment... so I'm studying here.

That being said, people take issue with all kinds of crap that I explain to my 5yo at his level because in their eyes, I'm "trying to push him to be an adult". Ummm... no: this is the level he functions at so this is the level I speak to him at. So then, of course, it's my "fault" that the "poor kid" is ahead.

[HeatherB]

Moving this over to Childhood Years.

[daytripper75]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

:

I've escaped the really hard questions at the moment... so I'm studying here.

That being said, people take issue with all kinds of crap that I explain to my 5yo at his level because in their eyes, I'm "trying to push him to be an adult". Ummm... no: this is the level he functions at so this is the level I speak to him at. So then, of course, it's my "fault" that the "poor kid" is ahead.

Yes! I know this was a big part of the underlying sentiment. *sigh*

Since this was moved to the Childhood years, I am hoping to hear more about what parents are saying to their children who don't have an intense interest in biology like my dd.

[RiverTam]

Good for you.

I told my son (then age 3) exactly how a baby is made and how it grows and how it's born. I started with general answers, but he drilled down on the information until we got to "The daddy's penis goes in the mother's vagina and it produces sperm. The sperm swims to the mother's egg and they combine to make a baby. The baby grows in the mother's uterus until it's big enough to be born. It's usually born through the vagina, but you had to be cut out because you were tangled in the cord."

He wasn't letting go until he got there, and I wasn't going to hide the facts. After he had the whole explanation, he pretty much let it go.

I'm not too worried about him talking at school. One of our Montessori primary teachers just had a baby, so her whole class got the explanation of how babies grow and come out.

[RiverTam]

Originally Posted by heatherdeg

:

I've escaped the really hard questions at the moment... so I'm studying here.

That being said, people take issue with all kinds of crap that I explain to my 5yo at his level because in their eyes, I'm "trying to push him to be an adult". Ummm... no: this is the level he functions at so this is the level I speak to him at. So then, of course, it's my "fault" that the "poor kid" is ahead.

Oh, what a load of BS. If they're asking the questions, then they need the answers.

[robin3]

Originally Posted by no5no5

Eh. My 3 year old has known about that stuff for months. She's even seen videos of vaginal birth (both human and animal). And she knows how I got pregnant (the traditional way). The only thing I haven't told her yet is about nontraditional methods of getting pregnant and giving birth. I don't want to be heterosexist or leave out C-sections (particularly because we live in a part of the country in which they are the norm), but I'm still not sure how to explain it without being overly complicated.

We have a friend whose daughter talked about her clitoris when she was 2 or 3, and I'll admit that it did freak me out a bit, but I got over it promptly.

On a related note, has anyone discovered a book that might be appropriate for younger kids but not babyish? I tried to find one recently, but I failed miserably. DD has an anatomy book but I don't think it's enough for her.

One of the best books we have used is "It's NOT the Stork!" It's for 4-7 year olds but if you have a gifted kid this would probably serve you well. My ds is also gifted and has been asking questions and getting the right answers from a very young age!

[sunnysandiegan]

I give factual information when my daughter asks questions. She definitely knows a baby does NOT grow in a woman's stomach (major pet peeve of mine). One of our neighbors was pregnant last year and tried convincing DD her baby was growing in her tummy. Ha! My DD was 7 and likes this woman a lot, so she didn't make a big deal out of it. But she told me immediately after the conversation that she knows babies grow in the uterus.

I recall an interesting day out one time when she was around 3 or 4. She heard the word vagina or perhaps she asked a bunch of questions (typical for her) and I supplied the word vagina. In any case, she asked quite loudly in a public place to see her vagina and my vagina and Daddy's vagina. Tee hee hee! Oh, the looks we got were priceless! After explaining Daddy is a boy and doesn't have a vagina, I suggested we wait until we got home for her to see her own vagina. It took a little persuading for her to let it go at that time. A few hours passed before we got home and she certainly had NOT forgotten. She stripped down and asked, "Okay, Mommy, where is my vagina?!!!"

Other moms in our playgroup have been surprised, shocked, whatever at how much my daughter wants to know compared to their kids. I am of the mindset that if she is asking, then we (DH & I) should be supplying the answers and we both agree with factual information. No stork for us, thank you. How do you recover from an outright lie later on when it really DOES matter?????

I know people who have told their children that Mommy and Daddy love each other very much and want to have a baby, so Daddy kisses Mommy in a special way and she gets pregnant. While that itself isn't an actual lie, it sure is close in my mind. There is an awful lot left out of that description between the kissing and the pregnancy. True, it may be enough for most kids at young ages, but how long do you keep giving that answer? At what point do you fill in the rest? How long do you want your kids thinking a girl can get pregnant by kissing a certain way????? :

Then, there is the other situation I recently found out about from close friends. Their son hadn't even asked about this stuff and they gave him the whole factual birds and the bees talk (in human terms) at age 6 or 7. His response was "oh". He just turned 8 and I wonder if he remembers any of it. His little sister was born four years ago, so I am not sure what prompted mom and dad to just give all the info upfront like that. I know the little boy had not asked. The conversation was at a recent Mom's Night Out and I asked who's kids had asked about sex, babies, periods, etc and what they told them. I was surprised when this mom said her son hadn't asked, but knew. Mom & dad spelled it all out one night...

I recall my dad having his girlfriend (new at the time, too) tell me all about female reproductive organs and cycles at age 8. It totally went over my head. Then, it was never discussed again. My period didn't start until I was 13 (I was away from home) and if I hadn't paid attention in high school science class, I wouldn't have known a thing. One of my good friends in high school had very old-fashioned parents and they didn't tell her anything and she didn't pay attention in high school science class because "it was embarrassing" and she very nearly flunked that class. *I* explained it all to her. Oh, boy. We both passed the quizzes and tests with flying colors, so I must have absorbed it at that age.

I wonder about the actual information being absorbed by the youngsters. My DD knew Santa didn't exist at a very young age (3Y 9M). She asked and I answered, "What do you think?" and she told me she didn't think he was real. I explained that the magic of Christmas is really love, but that it is fun to pretend and believe in "magic." She grasped that concept at that time. We didn't discuss it again and she forgot and believes at age 8 still.

It doesn't matter, though, (about how much kids really absorb about sex at young ages) because I believe the real power in all this is keeping the lines of communication open between parents and children and encouraging kids to a) ask questions and be inquisitive (versus being shutdown) and b) get the info as they want it. I was told by my DD's doctor that kids (humans) can only absorb so much at any given time. She suggested I answer DD's questions one question at a time and only briefly at first. Let DD guide me on how much she wanted to know. It has been interesting, to say the least. Some topics she can exhaust me on discussing over and over. Other topics are quick and she moves on.

ETA: I have to share the funniest "sex ed" conversation we've had with our DD. It was earlier this summer. We have a kitten who went into heat, so we discussed all of that with DD. She grasped it very well after asking a million questions. We were out to dinner and DD asked a question about how I got pregnant with her. DH answered in terms of cats since we had most recently had that conversation and knew DD understood those terms.....he went so far as to compare me to our cat and then quickly added, "but Mommy doesn't go into heat like Josie." I am not doing the conversation justice, but my dad and I were laughing sooooo hard we had tears rolling down our faces. I was laughing too hard to see if other diners had heard and were also amused. What is really amusing is many of our 'interesting' conversations end up happening in this exact restaurant!

[no5no5]

Originally Posted by robin3

One of the best books we have used is "It's NOT the Stork!" It's for 4-7 year olds but if you have a gifted kid this would probably serve you well. My ds is also gifted and has been asking questions and getting the right answers from a very young age!

Thanks. I'll check it out.

[ZoraP]

I agree that it's essential to provide correct answers, and I'm also trying to provide emotional context for reproduction as well. My 6yo dd is pretty shy about asking (she usually just hangs around and listens while the older dd quizzes me about things) but she's got a good handle on the physical basics. So one day when we were alone together, out of the blue she said, "So you and Daddy had to do sex three times to get the three of us, right?" I said, "Oh, well, that's true -- but it's a lot of fun so we've done it a lot more times than that. People even like to do it when they don't want another baby." The look on her face was priceless -- she was completely surprised. "Really? You mean it's FUN?"

[AbbieB]

DD6 knows all of the facts, and leaned most of them when she was 3 and I was pregnant with her brother. I had to lead her to ask the final question, about how the sperm gets into the vagina, when she was 4. She was misunderstanding the word sex and I thought she needed to have a clearer definition. (She was labeling kissing, hugging, etc as sex, so there were a lot of embarrassing "Look Mommy, they are having sex!" type moments in public.)

Just last week, after days of whining that she wants me to have a baby sister, DD leans over and whispers to me while we were all watching TV, "I think you and Daddy should go in the room and have sex right now so I can have a sister." Definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to keep a straight face for, ever. I was torn between shock and laughter.

[AllisonR]

Originally Posted by sunnysandiegan

It doesn't matter, though, (about how much kids really absorb about sex at young ages) because I believe the real power in all this is keeping the lines of communication open between parents and children and encouraging kids to a) ask questions and be inquisitive (versus being shutdown) and b) get the info as they want it.

So true! I am totally open with my 2yo and 4yo, and use correct body part terms. I want them to have open lines of communication. Though I am willing, neither has asked much yet. In fact, I'm still waiting for my folks to have the "birds and bees" conversation with me, and I'm 42. My mom tried once, when I was 19! She wept on finding out I was no longer a virgin, because "no man will ever have you now."

[almadianna]

My daughter was less than two years old when her brother was born. She had at that point watched videos of births and we had "practiced" it. SHe was even in the tub with me!

She is almost 3 years old now and understand a whole lot about the birds and the bees. She knows about periods because she has seen mine. She know where babies come out of (she has seen it) and she even asked a lady once if she pooped when she had her baby because she saw so many women in the videos pooping.

She has asked about her brother's penis and her vulva. She knows that it is called and that they are different. She also knows that her daddy has a penis and I have a vulva.

We explain things as they come up and are not shy about using the correct terms and being open with her. We have even discussed masturbation since she started getting curious about her own body recently.

Openness and honesty is key.

[Novella]

Originally Posted by robin3

One of the best books we have used is "It's NOT the Stork!" It's for 4-7 year olds but if you have a gifted kid this would probably serve you well. My ds is also gifted and has been asking questions and getting the right answers from a very young age!

I haven't seen that one, but this is the one we had at home as kids and I continue think it's a good one and have it in our home.

Good on the point about giving an emotional context to all of it. When our kids bring up those questions (and get the no-biggie, factual answers) we often try to weave in that sex is a really special thing for adults who love each other and are in a committed long-term relationship.