I respectfully submit that you are parenting a genius, who has hatched and is implementing a plan to avoid having to share. Ever.
What a wonderful place! I just spent 30 minutes reading some of these posts and it is way better than therapy. Thanks to all of you wonderful mamas out there who help to make me feel normal!!
I wish I had some yelling to do but my sweet, gorgeous, insane 3 year old is far from me for a few weeks so DH gets to do all of the coping while I snuggle with the littlest. Feels like vacation!!
What good does naptime do me if the only way you stay asleep is in my LAP? How, I ask you?
I know you want me at your side at all times to bang your toys on and so you have some hair to pull, but momma's gotta bathe sometime. I'm starting to stink up the place. I would also like to eat without your new catlike reflexes grabbing my bowl and throwing it on the ground. I haven't been able to finish a meal since your motor skills began to sharpen. Please, I'm begging you. Let me leave your sight. let me just use the bathroom without holding your hand... I need some space, dood.
I AM SO OVER YOU PRETENDING TO BE THE WOODSMAN FROM SCOOBY-DOO AND SWINGING THAT DAMN SHOVEL AROUND AND BANGING IT ON EVERYTHING AND KILLING PLANTS AND BREAKING EVERYTHING WITH THAT STUPID STUPID SHOVEL! AND I AM SO SO OVER ANY SCREAMING IN PEOPLE'S EARS FOR FUN. IT IS NOT NOT NOT FUNNY OR FUN EVER!!! AND I HATE STAR WARS! AND LIGHT SABERS! STOP SWINGING THINGS AROUND AND BANGING THINGS! JUST STOP! NOW! NEVER DO IT AGAIN!
Please, please, please stop clawing and pinching and grabbing fistfuls of my skin all the time, especially when you're sleepy and don't want to go down for a nap. It hurts like hell and my patience is running thin... not to mention the guilt complex it's giving me when I lose it and harshly tell you to quit touching me. Sigh.
You are NOT dying when I leave your sight.
Please have nice hands with Mama's eyeballs.
WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY DID YOU JUST DUMP WATER ALL OVER THE BATHROOM FLOOR? IT IS SWIMMING IN WATER NOW AND I HAVE TO CLEAN IT UP. WHY CAN'T I LEAVE YOU FOR ONE SECOND TO GO AND GET CLEAN CLOTHES.
I still love you, cheeky little man you are. xx
GOOD GRIEF! Why do you keep testing me all day long?! You are FOUR YEARS OLD! You know these things are wrong! You've known it for a long time. You KNOW I will give you time out if you do them. I've WARNED you and put you in time out for it a million times! Why do you continually do them and then stare me in the eye while you do it, clearly trying to get a rise from me?!
I have told you that I just got the baby to sleep. WHY DID YOU COME OVER AND PURPOSELY SHRIEK IN HIS EAR! You know that will wake him up! You know I've been trying to get him to sleep for the last hour so I can make lunch for you. Now the baby is screaming again.
HOLY CRAP, SOMETIMES I WISH I COULD DUCT TAPE YOU TO THE WALL IN THE BACK ROOM AND CLOSE THE DOOR!!!
holy crap, that's my 3yo and infant right there. she woke him up about 6 times today. and then she screams when i can't come cause i have to put the baby back to sleep. lather, rinse, repeat.
to my 3yo dd... stop waking and harrasing your baby brother! he's needs to sleep and i'd like 5 freaking minutes without him on me too. no, it's NOT fun to tap on his head and face while he's sleeping. STOP IT! stop tapping him on the head and running off like i haven't seen you! OMG. JUST. LEAVE. HIM. ALONE.
to my 8 week old ds... stop pee'ing on your 3yo sister during change time. i know she pisses you off and this is your only chance to get back at her, but it's not how we handle things around here little man.
How is Mama going to do her Brazilian Butt Lift workout if you have dropped your morning nap, hmmmmmmm?
What's next, no one gets dinner because your afternoon nap is also kaput?
Once again, you are not dying when Mama is not holding you. You do not have to be within 1 foot of Mama to remain alive.
No pinching. No pinching. No pinching. NO MA'AM, NO PINCHING!
I realize it is your personal goal to own every stuffed animal ever created but I said NO. Asking me please 75 times will NOT change my answer. Pouting and crossing your arms will not change my answer. Threatening to never love me anymore is NOT GOING TO CHANGE MY ANSWER.
And for god's sake please stop asking the neighbor kids for THEIR stuffed animals. Everytime you come home with something in your hands I cringe...
WILL YOU TWO JUST FREAKING FIGHT TO THE DEATH AND GET IT OVER WITH?!?!? CAN I JUST THROW YOU INTO THE BULL PEN AND LET YOU DUKE IT OUT GLADIATOR STYLE? YOU ARE ALMOST 5 AND ALMOST 4. YOU ARE ACTING LIKE BABIES AND I AM COMPLETELY SICK OF IT AND I DO NOT NEED THIS TODAY.
Uuuugh! Worst day I have EVER had with H. and N. since H. came home in September. 99% of the time they get along perfect. Today has already been a difficult and emotionally stressful day, and I'm positive they're just responding to the tone of the rest of us, but DAMNIT. They got up early and have been at each other's throats for TWELVE HOURS.
I've had maybe three alcoholic drinks in my entire life, but right about now, I could use about 5 of them.
DD2...I love you dearly, and I know you're not feeling well, but NEITHER AM I!!! LET ME SLEEP. DO not crawl into bed with me at 4:00 and keep me awake nursing and babbling for the next two hours. Do NOT leave the bed, and go play with that obnoxious "learning" toy your aunt gave you (that sits quietly for long periods and I forget that it's dwelling in my house). LET ME REST!! STAY in your bed, and let ME sleep. I'm no good to any of you when I'm walking around in a coma.
ALSO - children of mine...all of you....I love you. You're wonderful. But, I have a concert to sing in TOMORROW (two concerts, actually), AND I have a HUGE tech rehearsal tonight. I do not have the energy or ability to deal with all the crap and pestering you're all dishing out right now. Please, please, please just suck it up for 36 freaking hours!!! Just 36. You can be total hellions on Sunday - AFTER I sleep in!!! - that's fine. Just PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE don't make it so hard to get through the next 36 hours.
UGH. I hate parenting when I'm sick. I especially hate it when I have an under four in the house.
*smacks head on keyboard - stays there*
OH. MY. GOD.
To all of my children. YES, ALL. It's fudging fricking random because you're all pulling me in different directions.
STOP YOUR SPINNING. STOP SPINNING. YOU ARE BUMPING INTO PEOPLE, CAN'T YOU SEE THAT? JUST STAND IN ONE SPOT. GET IN THE PRAM. LEAVE THE BAG ALONE. LEAVE YOUR BROTHER ALONE. YES, I REALIZE HE IS AWAKE - IT'S BECAUSE YOU WOKE HIM. STOP SPINNING! I SAID STOP SPINNING DAMMIT! DON'T TOUCH THAT. YOU ARE 7 YEARS OLD, YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER! WHY, OH WHY DO YOU NEED TO GO TO TOILET NOW?? WHY NOW?? STOP YOUR COMPLAINING THAT YOU NEVER GET ANYTHING - YOU ALWAYS GET SOMETHING. FOR HEAVENS SAKE, I EVEN BOUGHT YOU SOMETHING TODAY. EVERYONE ALWAYYSSSSSSSS GETS WHAT THEY WANT, DON'T THEY? EXCEPT YOU HEY? IT'S NOT A CONSPIRACY AGAINST YOU, YOU JUST HAVE A SHORT ARSE MEMORY. NO I'M NOT BUYING HER A ROBE/PYJAMAS/JACKET, SHE ALREADY HAS ONE OF EACH. WHY ARE PUTTING IDEAS INTO YOUR SISTERS HEAD??? YOU KNOW SHE WILL TANTRUM! STOP PUSHING THE PRAM, YOU ALMOST TRIPPED THAT MAN OVER. SERIOUSLY, LET GO OF THE PRAM! DON'T RUN DOWN THE ESCALATOR. I ASKED YOU TO STAY NEXT TO ME 50 MILLION TIMES. STOP PULLING ON YOUR BROTHER'S CLOTHES! OH. MY. GOD LEAVE HIM ALONE. NO -- WE CANNOT BUY A PUPPY TODAY. I SAID NO PUPPIES. I DON'T KNOW WHEN WE CAN BUY ONE. I FUDGING ASKED YOU TO STOP SPINNING. STOP YOUR F***KING SPINNING. THAT'S IT, MAMA IS NOT TAKING ANYONE OUT ANYMORE.
**********************ripping my hair out**************************
Today is one of those days where I sorely regret this motherhood thing. Children, aged 7, 5, 3 and 2 months.
To my dear DS: You are only tiny, so I don't want to yell, but please stay in your pram next time. Please don't scream like someone is torturing you. I had to pay the lady before I could pick you up. It was 30 seconds. You are not dying if you're not picked up within 2 seconds of a peep. I really did not need to carry you for 2 hours and push a double pram around. I'm sorry you had to put up with such crap from your siblings today.
To my DH: I hate you. Why do you get to go to work?
SHUT THE EFF UP!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN IT. SHUUUUUUTTTTTT UUUUUPPPPPP!!!!!!! YOU HAVE BEEN TALKING TO ME NON STOP FOR SIXTEEN FREAKING HOURS, I NEED YOU TO JUST. STOP. TALKING!!!!!!! AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD STOP CRYING TOO. I DON'T EVEN CARE ANYMORE WHY YOU ARE CRYING BECAUSE IF THE LONGEST YOU CAN GO WITHOUT CRYING IS 25 SECONDS THEN IT IS OFFICIALLY YOUR PROBLEM NOT MINE!!!!!!!!
Much better, thank you.