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~ Fall IVF Cyclers ~ - Page 3

post #41 of 436
5terre - I don't know if there are samples of the Anji CDs. I like the sessions because they are rather quick, about 15 or 20 minutes. I'm used to doing a lot of hypnosis stuff but that's often 30-45 minutes and harder to fit in. What I love about the Anji CDs is that they are FOCUSED and SPECIFIC. I love that they tell my body that the meds are working perfectly, the follicles developing to be just the right size, etc. I haven't found any other relaxation sessions like that. I even ordered the Belleruth Naparstek CDs recently because I heard that they were SO good but I haven't enjoyed them. They feel SO general to me that it feels like my body won't know what to DO with the information.

I keep thinking that one shot a day will be so much easier than last time. Last time, I did 4 shots a day sometimes because I had to divide my stims into two shots because the dosage was so high. That AND getting blood drawn in the morning! I think I will have 1/day for a while and then 2/day (Follistim and Menopur).

Yes, I saw Julie and Julia! I never knew anything about Julia Child before watching this movie but I will say (no spoiler here) that infertility WAS addressed and it was addressed very well IMO. I was brought to tears during the movie because it felt so real to me. It was very realistic, I though. Good thing I went by myself so that no one saw me cry.

Also, I think I will post something I saw on another site in the next post. Also very realistic to me.
post #42 of 436
Here's what I was talking about. It was posted on another site. It's VERY long but brought up a lot of emotions that I need to explore.

Shared Journey – A Letter to Family and Friends
Dear Family and Friends,

I want to share my feelings about infertility with you, because I want you to understand my struggle. I know that understanding infertility is difficult; there are times when it seems even I don't understand. This struggle has provoked intense and unfamiliar feelings in me and I fear that my reactions to these feelings might be misunderstood. I hope my ability to cope and your ability to understand will improve as I share my feelings with you. I want you to understand.

You may describe me this way: obsessed, moody, helpless, depressed, envious, too serious, obnoxious, aggressive, antagonistic, and cynical. These aren't very admirable traits; no wonder your understanding of my infertility is difficult. I prefer to describe myself this way: confused, rushed and impatient, afraid, isolated and alone, guilty and ashamed, angry, sad and hopeless, and unsettled.

My infertility makes me feel confused. I always assumed I was fertile. I've spent years avoiding pregnancy and now it seems ironic that I can't conceive. I hope this will be a brief difficulty with a simple solution such as poor timing. I feel confused about whether I want to be pregnant or whether I want to be a parent. Surely if I try harder, try longer, try better and smarter, I will have a baby.

My infertility makes me feel rushed and impatient. I learned of my infertility only after I'd been trying to become pregnant for some time. My life-plan suddenly is behind schedule. I waited to become a parent and now I must wait again. I wait for medical appointments, wait for tests, wait for treatments, wait for other treatments, wait for my period not to come, wait for my partner not to be out of town and wait for pregnancy. At best, I have only twelve opportunities each year. How old will I be when I finish having my family?

My infertility makes me feel afraid. Infertility is full of unknowns, and I'm frightened because I need some definite answers. How long will this last? What if I'm never a parent? What humiliation must I endure? What pain must I suffer? Why do drugs I take to help me, make me feel worse? Why can't my body do the things that my mind wants it to do? Why do I hurt so much? I'm afraid of my feelings, afraid of my undependable body and afraid of my future.

My infertility makes me feel isolated and alone. Reminders of babies are everywhere. I must be the only one enduring this invisible curse. I stay away from others, because everything makes me hurt. No one knows how horrible my pain is. Even though I'm usually a clear thinker, I find myself being lured by superstitions and promises. I think I'm losing perspective. I feel so alone and I wonder if I'll survive this.

My infertility makes me feel guilty and ashamed. Frequently I forget that infertility is a medical problem and should be treated as one. Infertility destroys my self esteem and I feel like a failure. Why am I being punished? What did I do to deserve this? Am I not worthy of a baby? Will my partner want to remain with me? Is this the end of my family lineage? Will my family be ashamed of me? It is easy to lose self-confidence and to feel ashamed.

My infertility makes me feel angry. Everything makes me angry, and I know much of my anger is misdirected. I'm angry at my body because it has betrayed me even though I've always taken care of it. I'm angry at my partner because we can't seem to feel the same about infertility at the same time. I want and need an advocate to help me. I'm angry at my family because they've always sheltered and protected me from terrible pain. My younger sibling is pregnant; my mother wants a family reunion to show off her grandchildren and my grandparents want to pass down family heirlooms.

I'm angry at my medical caregivers, because it seems that they control my future. They humiliate me, inflict pain on me, pry into my privacy, patronize me, and sometimes forget who I am. How can I impress on them how important parenting is to me? I'm angry at my expenses; infertility treatment is extremely expensive. My financial resources may determine my family size. My insurance company isn't cooperative, and I must make so many sacrifices to pay the medical bills. I can't miss any more work, or I'll lose my job. I can't go to a specialist, because it means more travel time, more missed work, and greater expenses. Finally, I'm angry at everyone else. Everyone has opinions about my inability to become a parent. Everyone has easy solutions. Everyone seems to know too little and say too much.

My infertility makes me feel sad and hopeless. Infertility feels like I've lost my future, and no one knows of my sadness. I feel hopeless; infertility robs me of my energy. I've never cried so much nor so easily. I'm sad that my infertility places my marriage under so much strain. I'm sad that my infertility requires me to be so self-centered. I'm sad that I've ignored many friendships because this struggle hurts so much and demands so much energy. Friends with children prefer the company of other families with children. I'm surrounded by babies, pregnant women, playgrounds, baby showers, birth stories, kids' movies, birthday parties and much more. I feel so sad and hopeless. My infertility makes me feel unsettled. My life is on hold. Making decisions about my immediate and my long-term future seems impossible. I can't decide about education, career, purchasing a home, pursuing a hobby, getting a pet, vacations, business trips and houseguests. The more I struggle with my infertility, the less control I have. This struggle has no timetable; the treatments have no guarantees. The only sure things are that I need to be near my partner at fertile times and near my doctor at treatment times. Should I pursue adoption? Should I take expensive drugs? Should I pursue more specialized and costly medical intervention? It feels unsettling to have no clear, easy answers or guarantees.

Occasionally I feel my panic subside. I'm learning some helpful ways to cope; I'm now convinced I'm not crazy, and I believe I'll survive. I'm learning to listen to my body and to be assertive, not aggressive, about my needs. I'm realizing that good medical care and good emotional care are not necessarily found in the same place. I'm trying to be more than an infertile person gaining enthusiasm, joyfulness, and zest for life.

You can help me. I know you care about me and I know my infertility affects our relationship. My sadness causes you sadness; what hurts me, hurts you, too. I believe we can help each other through this sadness. Individually we both seem quite powerless, but together we can be stronger. Maybe some of these hints will help us to better understand infertility.

I need you to be a listener. Infertile couples have a lot on their minds and need someone to talk to. Sometimes a good ear helps people get things off their chests. A good listener can help people express their anxiety, anger, and guilt; or help people work out solutions to problems. Without offering any suggestions, your attentiveness and interest may provide the comfort and reassurance I need most. Talking about my struggle helps me to make decisions. Let me know if you are available for me. Repeatedly remind me that you love me no matter what. I need to hear it so badly. Let me know you understand that this is very hard work. Help me realize that I may need additional support from professional caregivers and appropriate organizations. Perhaps you can suggest resources. You might also need support for yourself, and I fear I'm unable to provide it for you; please don't expect me to do so. Help me to keep sight of my goal.

Let me know when you don’t know what to say. I need you to be comfortable with me, and then I also will feel more comfortable. Talking about infertility sometimes feels awkward. Are you worried you might say the wrong thing? Share those feelings with me. Ask me if I want to talk. Sometimes I will want to, and sometimes I won't, but it will remind me that you care.

I need you to be sensitive. Although I may joke about infertility to help myself cope, it doesn't seem as funny when others joke about it. Please don't tease me with remarks like, "You don't seem to know how to do it." Don't trivialize my struggle by saying, "I'd be glad to give you one of my kids." It's no comfort to hear empty reassurances like, "You'll be a parent by this time next year." Don't minimize my feelings with, "You shouldn't be so unhappy." For now, don't push me into uncomfortable situations like baby showers or family reunions. I already feel sad and guilty; please don't also make me feel guilty for disappointing you.

I need you to be honest with me. Let me know that you may need time to adjust to some of my decisions. I also needed adjustment time. If there are things you don't understand, say so. Please be gentle when you guide me to be realistic about things I can't change such as my age, some medical conditions, financial resources, and employment obligations. Don't hide information about others' pregnancies from me. Although such news makes me feel very sad, it feels worse when you leave me out.

I need you to be informed. Your advice and suggestions are only frustrating to me if they aren't based on fact. Be well informed so you can educate others when they make remarks based on myths. Don't let anyone tell you that my infertility will be cured if I relax and adopt. Don't tell me this is God's will. Don't ask me to justify my need to parent. Don't criticize my course of action or my choice of physician even though I may do that myself. Reassure yourself that I am also searching for plenty of information which helps me make more knowledgeable decisions about my options.

I need you to be patient. Remember that working through infertility is a process. It takes time. There are no guarantees, no package deals, no complete kits, no one right answer, and no "quickie" choices. My needs change; my choices change. Yesterday I demanded privacy, but today I need you for strength. You have many feelings about infertility, and I do too. Please allow me to have anger, joy, sadness, and hope. Don't minimize or evaluate my feelings. Just allow me to have them, and give me time.

I need you to be strengthening by boosting my self esteem. My sense of worthlessness hampers my ability to take charge. My personal privacy has repeatedly been invaded. Enjoyable experiences with you such as a lunch date, a shopping trip, or a visit to a museum help me feel normal. Encourage me to maintain my sense of humor; guide me to find joys. Celebrate with me my successes, even ones as small as making it through a medical appointment without crying. Remind me that I am more than an infertile person. Help me by sharing your strength.

Eventually I will be beyond the struggle of infertility. I know my infertility will never completely go away, because it will change my life. I won't be able to return to the person I was before infertility, but I also will no longer be controlled by this struggle. I will leave the struggle behind me, and from that I will have improved my skills for empathy, patience, resilience, forgiveness, decision-making and self-assessment. I feel grateful that you are trying to ease my journey through this infertility struggle by giving me your understanding.
post #43 of 436
5terre, how do you like FCNE? Interesting about the instructions regarding no aerobic activity. Every clinic seems to say something different. I go to Boston IVF and really do like it (as much as I can like being treated for IF). My doctor says that after the embryo transfer, it's pretty much out of my hands and there's nothing I can do (or not do) to affect the outcome at that point. I think they try to keep us from obsessing.
post #44 of 436
Originally Posted by DaisyMae08 View Post
5terre, how do you like FCNE? Interesting about the instructions regarding no aerobic activity. Every clinic seems to say something different. I go to Boston IVF and really do like it (as much as I can like being treated for IF). My doctor says that after the embryo transfer, it's pretty much out of my hands and there's nothing I can do (or not do) to affect the outcome at that point. I think they try to keep us from obsessing.
We're at Boston IVF too!!!

I'm having a hard time keeping up with the thread (and writing my dissertation at the same time!). But a bit back, someone asked if we'd had a recurrent loss panel. They have tested Katie for everything possible and nothing seems out of whack. So I'm hoping the PGD helps us out big time!

We learned today that our target retrieval date is October 10. A friend is getting married that day! It's nice to have a concrete date on the table.

Be well all,
post #45 of 436
Gema I am thinking about getting them, they do sound good and positive vibes are always helpful. Especially to a worrier like me! Intriguing letter, thanks for posting.

Daisy I went there because Dr Hardy was recommended to me, and I am happy with him (extremely kind, not condescending in the least, lets me feel like part of the team). I liked Rhonda over the phone at BIVF so much that it really made me consider them, but FCNE is closer. I looked at my instructions again and it says no aerobics/running after CD8 (walking or biking is acceptable). It's not clear for how long, so maybe I read into that. But you're right, everything I've read so far says that jumping around vs bed rest has not been shown to affect pg rates.

Day 5 of Lupron and AF appears to be here now, so tomorrow should be CD1. Can anyone tell me, when should I expect to start stimming? And the ET and the transfer? I will ask for a ballpark time line tomorrow when I call but just wondering if someone can clue me in.
post #46 of 436
Originally Posted by 5terre View Post

Day 5 of Lupron and AF appears to be here now, so tomorrow should be CD1. Can anyone tell me, when should I expect to start stimming? And the ET and the transfer? I will ask for a ballpark time line tomorrow when I call but just wondering if someone can clue me in.
Protocols vary a lot, but I started stimming on CD 3, stimmed for 10 days, then had then trigger shot, then a 36 hour wait until ER. Then it depends if you are having a 3 day or a 5 day transfer for ET. You should get your clinic to give you an approximate timeline - the uncertainty is very annoying, but is very much a part of the IVF process (ie they often have to chance things even in the middle of stimming, depending on how you are responding).
post #47 of 436
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by DaisyMae08 View Post
AFM, I am back in the game and have actually been stimming for over a week now. Looks like my retrieval will be sometime between Thursday and Sunday (my guess is Friday or Saturday). This is IVF #2 for us. For the first one we transferred only one embryo which resulted in a chemical pg. We will transfer two this time in the hopes that at least one of those will stick around for the long haul.

Good luck to everyone with Fall IVFs!

Daisy ~ What's up? Have your triggered yet? Please let us know how your doing and boy you are close to er. Good Luck and
post #48 of 436
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by 5terre View Post
Day 5 of Lupron and AF appears to be here now, so tomorrow should be CD1. Can anyone tell me, when should I expect to start stimming? And the ET and the transfer? I will ask for a ballpark time line tomorrow when I call but just wondering if someone can clue me in.
I just got my timeline from Dr. Coulam. It is pretty different from my last ivf's. This time around I'll do Lupron for 14 days. Then the motherload is that I do 750 (yes 750 iu) of follistim, and drop to 5 u of Lupon and 1 vial of Menopur every other day. They think I'll stim for about 8 or 9 days. Boy I am really wondering if I am at a higher risk for ohss since my fsh dose is so high.

Just adding that I should start Lupron 10/12 and then stims should start 10/26. Hey maybe I can be overstimulated ovaries for Halloween?
post #49 of 436
Thread Starter 
Originally Posted by gemasita View Post
Here's what I was talking about. It was posted on another site. It's VERY long but brought up a lot of emotions that I need to explore.

Gemasita ~ Really moving and amazing. Definitely a lot of self discovery to be explored there. It is so unfair that there are not more resources for people going thru infertility. There are should be more awareness of infertility so everyone knows about it. Thanks for sharing.

Everything mentioned kids, miscarriage, sadness, crap
I think I can post my breakdown here. I had my consult on Tuesday where I signed all paperwork and was given my ivf timeline. I was really quiet during the long car ride there. I think I was just trying to stay in a safe place. My dh was with me but I think he gets off easy during the ivf cycle. So I can only tell him so many times that this is difficult in so many ways for me. For me it is hard to keep it together. This pretty much being my last cycle and coming off a loss and finding out all my immune and thrombophilia problems I am just having a hard time finding peace.

So when the nurse comments that "this is more signing and paperwork than buying a car or house" I look a dh and say sure but at least then you get something here I could get totally screwed . Then it started tears just rolled down my face. Not an ugly cry but tears I was so sad. It just bought back being in the moment of my loss and failed cycles.

I just wish no one ever goes thru this. I never thought having a baby would be so difficult. I guess I never understood infertitlity before. I have always struggle with infertility before and I know I am lucky to have kids. I feel like everyone should read Shared Journey – A Letter to Family and Friends Infertility s*cks.
post #50 of 436
Oh Seedlings! I am so sorry. It is an awfully hard journey - and not at all fair.

And thank you for asking how I'm doing. I will trigger tonight and have the retrieval Saturday. I went in for an u/s this morning and the follie count was up to 24!

I went to the barn this afternoon to have one of my last rides on my horse for a while (I figured today and tomorrow would be it for some time) and as I was getting her ready the doctor's office called with my instructions which included NO EXCERCISE of any kind....no running, no elliptical, and no riding. (I do all of those pretty much every day) because my estrogen level is over 5,000 and they're worried about hyperstimulation. Apparently the bouncing of excercise can cause a torsion and cut off blood supply to my ovaries. Awesome. They've prescribed something that's supposed to help and warned me that the trigger shot may make things worse and told me to call if I experience shortness of breath.

Hopefully all of this will be worth it in the end, but in the meantime how do I stay sane with no exercise? All of that was keeping me sane!
post #51 of 436
Seedlings - IVF is hard, and no, I don't think our dp's really completely understand. Vent anytime.

Daisy - Have you tried meditation? Can you get lost in a good novel? How about escaping thru movies/shows? Can you start planning/dreaming about next year's garden? Anything (non-baby related) that can distract you will be helpful for staying sane.

As far as bedrest, I agree it is across the board. IVF#1 I was told to be a couch potato for a day after ET. IVF#2 I was allowed to go to an event that had me on my feet for hours rigth after ET. Both resulted in implantation. However, with IVF#1 I did overstim slightly. My body was very clear to me about not doing anything strenous after ER. It was just too painful.

Good luck to all!!
post #52 of 436
Seedlings I hope you are feeling a little bit better today, you have a lot to process and it's not easy. I like your costume idea. If you have long enough hair, how about two buns? What's the usual Follistim dose?

Daisy Good luck tomorrow!! How about walking? I know that's not quite the same, but a nice brisk walk on a beautiful day, is that allowed? That is my plan. What's the usual estrogen?

I started Gonal-F last night and decreased the Lupron today. I'm feeling really positive, so far the meds haven't bothered me much and I feel less worried about the stims because I am used to those hormones every month (at a much smaller dosage I'm sure...), but maybe I am way wrong! ET will be around the 27th/28th.
post #53 of 436
No brisk walking for me either. The nurse just kept telling me "You're not on bed rest, but don't do anything."

My last IVF cycle I didn't have this issue, so I was able to keep exercising normally. So 5terre, unless you have this issue, a brisk walk should be just fine! I think they don't really like your estrodial level to be over 3500-4000 (and obviously it wouldn't be this high without the stims). Mine was right around there 3,000 last time. It's now over 5,000. Good luck with your stims!!!
post #54 of 436
Thread Starter 
Daisy ~ Good Luck tomorrow!!!! I hope you and your eggs are relaxing and feeling our love and support.

5terre ~ You are rolling along quickly. What are you doing to keep your mind at peace? Amazing that your er and et will be here so soon. So do you take hormones monthly? Can I ask why? I do not remember reading about so thought I'd ask.

Gemasita and Megin ~ How are you both doing? Thinking about you both and would love to hear from you.

Thanks everyone for the well wishes. I am trying to be more aware of my emotions, feelings and thoughts thru this. In the past I have kind of dismissed myself and just went thru the motions of an ivf cycle. Well that got me into to trouble big time but I worked thru it with a consoler. Anyway this cycle is gonna be hard for me and I just want to process it as I go. I am so thankful for your support and hope I can help anyone here too.
post #55 of 436
Daisy Thinking about you today!!! Hope all goes well.

Seedlings I meant my 'natural' FSH,LH, progesterone, I don't take anything. I've been temp charting for TTC/TTA for almost 6 years now, so I notice how the hormones affect my body. Honestly, as much as I long for a sibling for DD and the chance to do it just one more time, I know I will figure out how to be at peace if we are not able to have any more. As each month goes by and the diagnoses have gotten worse, I realize more and more what a miracle she is.

I definitely feel bloated in the belly, and it looks like I have gained a few pounds. I thought it was mostly the Lupron that caused weight gain in most people, but have you noticed the stims doing that?
post #56 of 436
Originally Posted by 5terre View Post

I definitely feel bloated in the belly, and it looks like I have gained a few pounds. I thought it was mostly the Lupron that caused weight gain in most people, but have you noticed the stims doing that?
The stims absolutely do that (for pretty much everyone, I think). My RE said that my ovaries were going from the size of walnuts to the size of grapefruits, plus associated bloating. So get out your "fat" pants! I lived in baggy shorts and pj bottoms.
post #57 of 436
Thread Starter 
Daisy ~ Checking in to see how your feeling. Hope everything went well. Remember becareful of the dreaded constipation crm warned about!!!!

5terre ~ I completely agree with crm. Elastic waist bands are your friend. I put on the ivf 10 lbs everytime, ugh no fun.

Is everyone having a good weekend? Not much new here just doing the bcp's. I put up some Halloween decorations and am looking forward to fall. I love the change of seasons (but am completely missing the pool). Oh I made Apple Butter today it is sooooo good!
post #58 of 436
Hi guys. Sorry I haven't posted sooner. I've only had two shots of Lupron but I am SO TIRED. I don't remember if this is a s/e. It's been so long since I was on Lupron.
post #59 of 436
Gemasita I was tired on Lupron, too, especially the first few days (but have decreased the dose in half so that may have helped). Hope you are feeling more energetic today!

Seedlings I love fall, too. Apple butter sounds good, I've never had it.

Had bloodwork today and my estradiol was low at 55 (after 3 nights of Gonal-F). I add in Repronex tonight, and I may need an extra day of stims because of the low estradiol. I hope I don't end up not responding well.

Hope everyone is having a nice weekend!
post #60 of 436
Oh 5terre, I hope things start progressing more quickly for you. I know how much anxiety can go along with this whole process, especially when things aren't starting out as you hoped.

As for me, they collected 27 eggs yesterday and just called with the fertilization report. 17 of those fertilized. Our ET is scheduled for Tuesday. Hopefully we'll have two good ones to transfer and some that we can freeze as well.

They're still worried about OHSS with me, so I'm tyring to monitor everything very carefully. My abdominal pain is getting worse, but there isn't a whole lot of bloating to speak of, so I guess that's good.
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