3yo back talk

[teton1898]

How do you deal with back talk? My 3yo is the master of it.

[elmh23]

My almost 5 year old has been back talking a lot recently (it comes in waves and right now it's a big one!) What I do is cut her off and call her on it. Tell her that she's back talking and it's not Christ Like Behavior (she's going to a Catholic pre-K and that's one of the rules, so I use it at home too.) You could always just say it isn't nice. It doesn't stop it right way, but it does let her know it is not appropriate.

[itsmyturn]

I tell me DS 3 I'm sorry I can't hear you when you are being rude.
Then I ignore him, this seems to work better for us than the battle approach we were trying before.
good luck

[Llyra]

I try to just say, "I don't need to hear anything back." And then walk out of the situation. I try not to wrangle with them when they're like that. It doesn't accomplish anything, and it only gets me worked up and frustrated, which I think only rewards rudeness with attention. If I remove myself from the situation, without getting angry back, I think it defuses the conflict a lot, and sends the message that I will not stick around and allow myself to be verbally abused. It does sometimes ENRAGE DD1 (the twins are really still too little for this behavior), but once she calms down, we can talk about what went wrong and why, and talk about better ways for her to express herself. And if she's mad, I try to let her own her own feelings. Yes, you're mad. That's okay, to be mad, and you can say you're mad, but you can not be snippy and rude to me.

[artgoddess]

What do you call back talk? Is it just disagreeing with you? We have varying forms of it here and I react differently. Kids are just trying to figure out how to communicate and they don't need to get in trouble for doing something they don't know is wrong, y'know?

If I tell my DS it's time to go home from the park and he whines, 'But I don't want to go home." I acknowledge his feelings, "I understand that you don't want to go, but we have to go home and make lunch. Lets go." he'll sometimes keep whining and I pretty much ignore it and remind him that I don't like to deal with the whining every time we have to leave some where and if he continues I'm just going to stop taking him places so I don't have to hear it. He's 5.5 years old.

[tbone_kneegrabber]

I also don't really understand what "back talk" is. Often I read on this board about "back talk" and "disrespect" but without clear examples I am never sure what people are talking about. Are people talking about kids saying "no" or "i don't want to go now" etc when being told its time to leave like the pp? Or something else?

[_betsy_]

Whining about not wanting to go home totally isn't back talk in my book.

But when, say, I give DD1 (3 in a couple days) a choice between two things, and she says "Not (choice 1) and not (choice 2). Hmph." complete with an exasperate breath and eye roll, I call that back talk. And yes, I know exactly where she gets that from, I'm working on it and haven't done an eye roll in her presence in months, yet it still lingers in her physical vocabulary.

I generally just tell her I'll make the choice for her then, and chose the one she usually prefers of the two choices I presented.

[Llyra]

To me, backtalk is indulging in snippy insults, or rude side comments, rather than saying assertively how you feel and what you want. I try to teach my kids to say how they feel, and what they need, rather than grumbling under their breath or making passive-aggressive remarks. If my DH asks me to remember to call his boss to pass on a message, I don't mutter under my breath, "call her yourself if you want her called." That's rude. That's what I call backtalk, whether it comes from child or adult. I could, instead, say, "I am not going to have time to do that today. I don't really feel like it's my job to do that, and I think you should do it." That's assertive disagreement.

Backtalk is comments made specifically to try and engage somebody in a fight, because you're feeling cranky, like if DH asks me to get him a glass of milk and I huff and say, "what am I, your mother?" Like if my boss gives me another assignment, when I'm already feeling overloaded, backtalk would be me saying, "SOME people think I can work MIRACLES" while rolling my eyes. Backtalk is showing disdain for another person's individual dignity. It also includes behaviors like sucking one's teeth, rolling one's eyes, huffing and slouching, and other similar behaviors.

I might instead say, "I have a lot to do right now, and I don't think I can take on another task. Could you ask somebody else to do it?" That's not backtalk.

So with a child:
me: Please put that puzzle away.
DD1: Let stinky-pants over there (meaning DD2) do it. I don't have to.

is backtalk.

me: Please put that puzzle away.
DD1: Stick it in your ear.

is backtalk.

(Yeah. She picked that one up from her cousin.)

me: Please... away.
DD1: No. I'm not your slave.

is backtalk.

but

me: Please... away.
DD1: I'm tired and I don't want to. DD2 took it out, so she should put it away.

PP, I do think you're right that often what people call backtalk is just a child who feels powerless trying to make themselves heard. That's not what I mean, though. If I feel like that's what's really going on, I'll say to the child, "You sound like you have something you want to say. How about saying it like this: (and then I give them a good assertive way of saying it.)"

so:

me: Please... away.
DD1: NO. Why should I have to? You're mean.
me: It sounds like you have some other idea about this. Did you take the puzzle out? Were you playing with it?
DD1: No. Rachel did.
me: So how about saying, "It was Rachel who took it out, so I think she should do it." I don't like when people call me mean.

[ssh]

Originally Posted by _betsy_

But when, say, I give DD1 (3 in a couple days) a choice between two things, and she says "Not (choice 1) and not (choice 2). Hmph." complete with an exasperate breath and eye roll, I call that back talk.

I hate the term "back talk". I've known people who thought anything other than "yes mam" was back talk. Asking why, or explaining a situation that occurred can be back talk. Then other people define it as a rude or annoying response. I don't think it's right for there to be separate higher standards of behavior for children. With this example, I'd probably say 'ok, let me know when you decide' and walk off. Sometimes my DD, 3.5 years old, gets in negative moods when she's tired or stressed. I sometimes tell her something is rude and hurts my feelings. Usually when my DD has been in a rude mood she apologizes later after she feels better. If my DH is grumpy because work was chaotic I treat him nice too.

[artgoddess]

Okay, I'm still trying to figure out what back talk is. I think maybe I'm just lucky and get little off it in my house. pretty much I try my hardest to understand that my children are not little adults, but still learning how to communicate their feelings. If I'm not happy with the way they communicate them I let them know, maybe a simple, "I don't like being yelled at can you please ask me in a nicer way if I would get you a snack." That sort of thing. If I ask a kid to do something and they refuse i tell them why it needs to be done. "We can't leave this mess n the floor, if you want to go to the park you need to clean it up." The key to that is sticking with what I just said and being willing to cancel meeting friends at the park if my kids still refuses to clean up. He really loves outings so having to follow through has happened maybe once. The other part is being reasonable with my expectations. Yes he and his baby sister can make a huge huge mess in a matter of minutes. But reality just because they made the mess doesn't mean they are capable of cleaning it all by themselves in an efficient manner. If we have no place to go, sure I'll let them work on it all day long. But if we have someplace to be or are expecting company, then I have to help. And by helping may assign my 2 year old putting away balls, my 5 year old cars and truck and I put away dress up clothes. But supervising and pitching in makes things go faster and makes them more willing to work with me.