Going from 1 child to 2 - how is it for you and anyone have any tips?

[tracymom1]

Wow, this transition has been harder than I thought it would be. DS just turned 2 on Sunday and DD is 7 weeks old now. I knew having them close together would be tough, but I am going a little crazy over here (not to mention the PPD issues, too). I am scared to go out in public with both of them -DD won't tolerate a sling for more than a few minutes and I can't put her in a stroller and have DS walk - he explores way too much for that. I feel kind of trapped because I just don't know how to parent both of them at the same time. DS is desperate for my attention and I feel so bad because he has to wait so much

So how has the transition been for everyone else? Is anyone just sailing through it? Any advice on how to make this a little easier?

[Ianthe]

No advice.. I am just barely getting by myself. I don't ever go with both of them at once.. unless I don't get out of the car for my errand.. I took both of them to a WIC appt by myself ONCE and that was enough.

DS1 is an explorer too, and doesn't mind running far away from me. Luckily, DS2 is a very easy going baby (though he doesn't care for the sling either).

[askew]

I have found the transition pretty easy. However, I had a really hard time going from 0-1 kid. Like it rocked my world and my husband's world for a good 18 months. This transition has been a piece of cake in comparison.

I do think two things have really made a world of difference. First, my DH has stepped up in a major way with DS, 2.75, and now takes him grocery shopping and on errands, to the park etc to give me time. He has also taken over bath and bed time completely. Up until DD was born that had been 99% my territory. It has been great for DS to have so much quality Daddy time, and it has also been a nice shift in our relationship as I am now the "good" guy more often while DH is setting more boundaries.

The second thing that has been a life saver, and may not be an option for you, is that DS is in a Montessori toddler program. He started in June so he would not transition to school right after DD was born and think we were shipping him out. He goes from 9-3 four days a week. He had never been away from home before, so I was a little nervous, but he absolutely loves it. Like wants to go on the weekends. This gives me lots of alone time with DD to get stuff done and just spend time with her.

We get out a lot too, to our local Moms group activities and to parks and museums. DD likes the mai tai, and I can throw her in the stroller if need be and hold DS hand for a while. Going out with other Moms helps a lot, as you always have another mom to run after your toddler if they bolt while you are nursing etc. DD can also nurse in the mai tai which can be a life saver.

PPD certainly does not help. I have it too, but started taking medication this time. With my last it took me well over a year to feel normal again so this time I wasn't messing around.

[poiyt]

*hugs* mama! Im sorry your going through this

I have found 1-2 easy *hides*. Im not sure if its my stubborness or...I dont know. I think my tip is..or my theory on life..is that I dont change my day or plans for my kids I just bring them with me. So if there is somewhere I need or want to be they just come along and we make it work - what other choice do we have? It does take me longer to get ready to leave (like it did when I went from 0-1), and some days I am more flustered - but no more than I expected to be when I was pregnant.

I do babywear when I leave the house usually (in a wrap or sling)..and dd#1 walks. We have never used a stroller, so this hasnt been an obstacle. Yes she runs away, and yes it infuriates me sometimes - but she is 2, she needs to run. We get through our days as calmly as we can...and sometimes we fail..but we start again the next day.

Oh..for references sake..my dd#1 will be 2 on the 10th (OMG!) and my dd#2 is 22 weeks old now.

[Ianthe]

I also want to add, I try to make sure DS1 gets good one on one time with me every day. Some days we go to the grocery store, just the 2 of us. Other days I just make sure I sit down and play with him while the baby is sleeping.

[durafemina]

o, I would be a disaster if ds didn't tolerate the sling. He's literally in it all day while I run after dd and get stuff done. For outings I put dd in the stroller and only let her out somewhere contained (like the library, a cafe). Heh, that sounds bad - but actually she is almost always content to stay in it.
Sometimes we go for looong walks bc it keeps her occupied without disaster ensuing!
Often I'll just spend most of the day outside in the backyard so dd can run around and it's contained and there's nothing to keep clean/away from her (except my baby veggies! ack!).
Have you tried babe upright in a carrier like a mei tai? my babies never liked being horizontal in a sling. . .
Overall, I've had my moments of insanity, but it's been pretty ok. I do have lots of great support that enables me to have one-on-one with both of them though.
The worst is bedtime with both of them if Dp isn't home. Yikes! Sometimes I let them just breastfeed on the couch until dd is asleep - getting them into bed can wait until another adult is home
dd is 23 months and ds is 8 weeks. . .

[tracymom1]

I have tried a Moby wrap and an Ergo and she gets super antsy in both of them. I am actually afraid to bring her places because she cries so much and so loudly. I have needed to get to the grocery store for a week now and keep putting it off. I just can't walk around the store with a screaming baby - both for my sanity and that of those around me.

Even though DH is physically at home most of the time, he is working ALL of the time. He will hold DD only if I ask him to and if he has to take a phone call or something then she gets passed back to me (which is all the time). He is great with DS - helps feed him and gives him his bath and put him to bed. DS is the *easy* one right now - he is a great joy to be around and even though I am grateful for DH's help with him, I am also kind of irritated that he will take care of DS and not DD. I want to spend more time with DS and DH KNOWS this - we talk about it every day. I NEED a break from the baby and I just can't get it!! She gets so upset whenever someone other than me holds her and sometimes even I can't comfort her.
Ugh.

[Caroline P]

Oh I am having a hard time too. I did do one thing that helped me a LOT. I hired a 13 yr old "mom's helper" or baby sitter, whatever you want to call it. She helped me most of the summer. Even if for 2-3 hrs, makes a HUGE difference in your sanity level. She came over and played with my son while I focused on nursing (we had a small issue there) or even dosed off. She was FAB, took him tot he park, library and just played with him. Her energy level matches his so it was amazing for me. Now that he is in half day school (he's 2.75 too - 3 in Nov) it is easier. We did lots with the babysitter though, went to the zoo, on big trips. It was easy to sit and nurse while the babysitter chased my son and kept him out of trouble.

On the stroller, i hear you. We had a bugaboo (yes, it was a gift ) and I tried the wheel board but NO WAY my DS would stay on it, he jumped off and wandered off. I tried him in the stroller and my daughter in the mai tie (which she loved) but he HATED the single stroller. He'd fight and there was NO WAY I could ever let him walk our city sidewalks without fearing for his life, this kid WILL run into oncoming traffic and we live right in the city. Anyway, I tried a double stroller - told him he can sit beside his sister (its a side by side) and really did not give him an options. Well, he stays in it. He does ask to get out sometimes and I tell him, yes, when we get to X you can (home or school or park). He actually listens. He loves sitting beside her. This double is one a newborn can go in, she seems fine in it, mostly sleeps. Thank GOD b/c she usually needs to be worn all day. I got he Valco Trimode runabout 2009 model, it has separate sunshades, recline levels etc. I would highly recommend getting sep. sunshades b/c this was an issue when I tried a previous double with only one. DS wants it back, DD screamed everytime sun was in her face. Problem solved with two individual sunshades.

Anyway, this transition IS hard. Another thing that really is working for me, I think another mom mentioned it...hang out with other moms of two. The older kids can play and give you both a break to focus on your younger ones. I feel at least my DS is not bored or watching umpteen amounts of TV while I figure out nursing or just get a small break.....
I just want you to know you are not alone. I'm sure one day soon this will get easier! One day they will be playing happily together I pray!!!

[pinksprklybarefoot]

Things are weird for me because I almost feel like I went from having one to having three.

I have a stepdaughter, and over the years I have become more and more active in her care. When DS1 was born, I sometimes felt like I was DS' parent and DH was DSD's parent and we were roommates. Now that we've become more of a family unit, I do feel like a mom of three. But I haven't been that used to being a mom of two. And I am not used to two vying for my attention so passionately - both boys want to nurse constantly. That was expected of the new one, but the 2 yo was down to 2-3X/day. Things sure have changed there.


For those having trouble with slings, I will say that this one hates the sling, but does well in the Babyhawk (mei-tai). And sometimes I've found that I have to give him a minute to settle before he is truly comfortable. But then he can snooze for over an hour.

[georgiegirl1974]

Originally Posted by angelika13

I have found the transition pretty easy. However, I had a really hard time going from 0-1 kid. Like it rocked my world and my husband's world for a good 18 months. This transition has been a piece of cake in comparison.

Ditto. DD was colicky and life was pretty hellish for the longest time. (Sounds like your little girl.) DS is soooooo much easier. I can set him down in the bouncy chair while I fix dinner. (With DD I had to try to cook with one hand while I held her...screaming.) They are like night and day. DD is still high needs but she's in full day preschool 3 days a week. So when she's there, I go to the gym (DS is happy at the child watch at the YMCA) , go grocery shopping, and do housework. I've also started having a mother's helper come one afternoon a week (girl who lives across the street), so I can make dinner on the nights that DD isn't in preschool. I will admit DD does watch more TV that I'd like.

Hang in there. I've been there with a difficult infant. DH and I keep saying how thankful we are that DS is easy and not like DD as an infant. My heart goes out to you.

[askew]

Originally Posted by tracymom1

I am also kind of irritated that he will take care of DS and not DD. I want to spend more time with DS and DH KNOWS this - we talk about it every day. I NEED a break from the baby and I just can't get it!! She gets so upset whenever someone other than me holds her and sometimes even I can't comfort her.
Ugh.

This really resonated with me. I totally agree with you on this one. My DH is useless with the baby. He hasn't even changed a diaper yet. He was the same way with my DS though, so I wasn't expecting anything different. I have left her once, to see Harry Potter, and lucky for my DH she slept the whole time.(and his mom and sister were here to help just in case) He is truly a MUCH better father once they hit the 6 month mark. I really miss my DS sometimes, and wish I could just take him to the park and leave DD with my husband. I just know it is not going to happen. I think that is what makes this transition easier as well, is that I knew what to expect and even though I don't like some of it, I know where I can change things and where I just need to wait it out. KWIM?

[LilMomma83]

It gets easier

DS2 is 11wks and it has just been the past 2wks or so that we have seen a big difference in DS1's behaviour, which has made it easier for me...well, I really just thing it is a combination of the whole family adjusting, the baby becoming more "fun" (he smiles at DS1 etc now), and my hormones adjusting as well. Just hang in there!

Oh, and I just forced the issue of DH watching baby sometimes, I would say, "(DS1) and I are going to the grocery store, I'm leaving (DS2), I'll be back in an hour)" that would give me a little time with DS1, and I think it would help because he behaved a lot better one on one.

I think another thing is not expecting them to be "big," I keep thinking that DS1 can help a lot more, pick up his toys, entertain the baby, etc etc, but, he rally can't yet---at least not reliably to the point that I sometimes expect---without even meaning to.

[SequoiasMom]

tracymom-
i just want to send you some hugs and say i am in exactly the same boat!! it has been so hard for me.
no help from dp, very high needs babe AND toddler, and just overwhelmed every.single.day.
so, my strategy is to wake up each morning and start over. try to enjoy the good times and just make it through the bad.
i have run screaming down the hallway and locked myself in the bathroom. then, in the bathroom i start cleaning, picking things up. i couldn't resist...even during a breakdown i was trying to get stuff accomplished b/c there was no baby in my arms. sad.
i think it gets better.
keep your head up, mama.