Stupid Mommy!

[mamatoablessing]

This is what DD has been saying to me recently when she gets upset or angry with me. She will be 3 next week and is an incredibly stubborn, independant, high-spirited child. I have asked her nicely to not call me stupid. I have told her it makes me sad. I have raised my voice at her. I've put her in a time out. She doesn't give a crap. She calls me stupid to spite me and it's getting to the point where I can't handle it anymore. I hate the way she speaks to me and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Thanks!

[Zenful]

It looks like she's found one of your buttons...and a big button at that. My son (who will be three in January) knows some of my buttons as well and loves to push them on occasion. Things like, grabbing food off the counter I was preparing and sticking it underneath the recliner where it's difficult for me to reach. Or screaming in my ear when he wants to be put down if the reason for picking him up was due to not wanting him to get into whatever he was about to get into.

He knows these things piss me off to no end and make me want to scream and cry. Sometimes I think he's even TRYING to hurt me...it just seems so mean on the surface. But when I stop and look at the situation from a bird's eye view, it becomes apparent to me that he is simply reacting. He's reacting to the sense of control I'm trying to maintain. Like with the preparing food issue, he knows that I REALLY don't like if he takes the food and hides it...he knows that and it probably hurts him to some degree because he knows that I'm trying to force things to be a certain way. I'm not saying it's not okay to want my food to stay on the counter...what I'm saying is that he knows I'm not accepting him completely in that moment and that pushes his buttons.

So, when your daughter calls you stupid, it sounds like maybe a part of her doesn't like the sense of control you're trying to maintain in the situation. Maybe that's her way of saying, "Mommy, why won't you accept me, even when I say that word?" She might not know how to say that that hurts her...she might not even be all that aware that it hurts...she just knows she doesn't like feeling out of control, so she's also trying to maintain a sense of control.

I find it so interesting how much my son will mirror how I'm feeling. It's really amazing to watch sometimes....

[Surfacing]

My 4 y.o. dd went through a phase of that too. We did a lot of "Don't call me that, that's not nice. You may not speak to me that way. I'm sorry you're upset, but you may not call me a mean name." So then she started calling me stupid on the sly... like saying Stupie Stew. Or Stew. Sometimes I'd get in on the act and think of other things that rhymed with it, making it into a joke, taking away it's power. Other times it ticked me off and I let her know that I didn't feel like being around her if she was going to talk like that, I'd leave the room. Eventually I just stopped reacting to it at all. That's when it stopped.

Yeah. Frustrating. It's a phase.

ETA -- oh yeah, why don't you ask your child what she thinks it means? You can also try to give her words to use instead if she's angry with you. Like permitting her to say loudly "I'm so angry with you right now!"

[major_mama11]

DD went through this phase (er, we're still kind of in it some days)- "stupid", "i hate you" etc. We've tried telling her it makes me sad, not acceptable etc, but that just seemed to add to the feeling of power she seemed to be seeking, increasing the name-calling even more. Giving alternatives- "I'm mad at you" sometimes works. But the most success, for us, seems to come from totally ignoring this behavior, combined with pouring as much positive attention as I can into her, at other times. With DD, this name-calling has seemed very much related to jealousy of baby brother.

It's such a frustrating phase. I always thought only "other people's kids" called their mommies stupid, until my own child turned 3...

[Epona]

Originally Posted by mamatoablessing

This is what DD has been saying to me recently when she gets upset or angry with me. She will be 3 next week and is an incredibly stubborn, independant, high-spirited child. I have asked her nicely to not call me stupid. I have told her it makes me sad. I have raised my voice at her. I've put her in a time out. She doesn't give a crap. She calls me stupid to spite me and it's getting to the point where I can't handle it anymore. I hate the way she speaks to me and I don't know what to do. Any suggestions?

Thanks!

At three, she's old enough to be sent somewhere until she is ready to be nice. I think it depends on the situation. My 3 year old likes to say that I'm not a good mommy/bad mommy/ and not her mommy. When said in heat, I could care less, she's just three, and still learning how to cope with emotion, so fine whatever. But there are times when she can be truly spiteful, and at those times she is not allowed to be around me until she can act as lovingly towards me as I am towards her. She does quite well most of the time, and she happens to be a very intense child. So maybe it can work for you too.

[Alexander]

Lots of good replies here.

Yes, taking the power away and co-opting the use/phrase/joke will neutralize the impact.

On the other hand, kids do need to learn how to feel expresive of their feelings, so neutralizing one will not help unless you replace with another.

So your DD has found your button. Your issue then?

I had "I hate you" for no particular reason.

Maybe they were whetting their toungs rather than trying to hurt me. I think this is more to do with personal empowerment than inflicting pain. Anyway, I did not like it, but responded with a bored "yeah yeah, I'm so horrid. So which juice/cookie/toy do you want? Is is raining, what's for dinner? Oh look, the cat pooed in the flowerpot!" and got on with life as per usual.

But empowerment is important, so the much more benign "You are a silly Daddy" generated a feigned strong outrage and hand on hips and all manner of acting angry and offended retorts. Always this ended in romps and laughs.

They get what they want (response) and I don't get what I don't want.

"I hate you" was out the window by the end of the week if not earlier.

When the heat is off your SO can help you out here with a pre-planned "event". They can introduce a phrase (but best stick to one, otherwise it becomes an exercise in insults).

"jelly belly", "silly billy", "puffy mummy"... whatever it is, this is all a game, and SO should resolve it soon, with hugs.

Kids do need to feel in control, even if it is only a little. A model positive response gets better results all round, and saves you from opening your own wounds.