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post #1 of 50
Thread Starter 
Heartbeats, that is. Four. Quadruplets.

After two miscarriages, my husband and I returned to try again for the baby we so desperately want. My doctor recommended a medicated IUI, with very strict monitoring of the follicles. Based on my husband's diagnosis of very low sperm morphology, it was anticipated that IUI wouldn't even be particularly effective but we figured we'd try it before moving to IVF.

Found out at 3.5 weeks that I was pregnant!! : Beta's were doubling nicely, got u/s at 5.5 weeks, saw two sacs!! TWINS!!!! ::

Last week, after some bright red bleeding, went in for another ultrasound assuming that I was, once again, miscarrying. Lo and behold, THREE heartbeats...!!!!! TRIPLETS!!! A bit overwhelming, but after my husband and I dealt with the idea, we figured that if all three babies were healthy enough to survive the pregnancy, then we could make it work. (Note: there was a question about the health of the smallest fetus).

So go back for very high resolution u/s today, at 7 weeks 5 days.

Four distinct babies. Four heartbeats. Quadruplets.

How is this happening??

Why can't I have a "normal" outcome??? Why am I facing a terribly high risk, dangerous, paralyzingly frightening pregnancy with FOUR BABIES after losing two "healthy" singletons with heartbeats (previous pregnancies)??

And then, of course, there's the part of me that hates myself for ever feeling even a shred of dread (because, honestly, I do...quadruplets?? ) because isn't this what I prayed for, hoped for, would do anything for???

No. This is not. I prayed for, hoped for, and would do anything for a healthy baby. Two babies is a MIRACLE BLESSING. : Even three babies, as terrifying a prospect as that is, financially, emotionally, physically, mentally, and health-wise for me and babies...EVEN TRIPLETS I could do. Even as everyone in the medical field told me how high risk triplets can be, I prayed for my little guy to develop with his brothers/sisters...I love my babies.

And now I'm being punished for wanting what I guess I'm not supposed to have..."be careful what you wish for."

Well, I didn't wish for this. No one wishes for this. Right?

How awful am I that I'm equally sad and scared as grateful?? I'm also SO SO SO grateful that my babies are doing well and are alive and beating, but I'm just so confused...I'm so so so confused. I feel like I don't have the "right" to feel sad/confused/angry because I "caused" this...but did I really cause it??? Does anyone doing fertility treatments consider a life without children based on the ridiculously small risk of high order multiples??

Ultrasound today showed that two of the babies are really really healthy, ahead of schedule, growing like weeds. Two of the babies are there, not sure how they're doing...hearts beating but HR's are a "bit" low and they're a "bit" smaller. The high risk maternal fetal medicine doc gave it a 50-50 chance that the pregnancy will remain a "quad" pregnancy, with the other alternatives that one or both babies get naturally absorbed. Then, of course, I got the hour long discussion of all of the health risks, consequences, and such.

PLEASE, SUPPORTIVE RESPONSES ONLY. I'M BEATING MYSELF UP ENOUGH ALREADY. (And then again, I keep returning to "how is this my fault? i didn't ask for this....") People have fertility treatments for infertility all the time. This is so rare...many of you probably know how rare because likely many of you've also been through infertility treatments. And now...once again...I've defeated the odds. I should play the lottery.

Sorry I'm complaining about what I should be only 100% grateful for...it's hard to explain how terrifying this is to go through. I just need some support.

post #2 of 50
I don't have any multiples or advice but I saw this on the new posts and couldn't not respond. I'm sure you're in shock, anybody would be! I want to wish you you have a healthy, wonderful pregnancy, especially since this is certainly not what you were expecting!
post #3 of 50

I too saw your post on the new posts. Shock, dismay and grief have got to be normal reactions in this case! Don't be afraid of your emotions.
post #4 of 50
post #5 of 50
I'm not a mom of multiples either, but I just wanted to add that I think you'll find nothing but support here. I would be scared and angry and frightened as well as grateful, too. s I hope that you have a good outcome and healthy bab(y)ies, however many that may be.

post #6 of 50
Hi Claire, I spent only one night with a really HIGH hormone count and to return the next day to find out if I was indeed carrying "multiples", not just twins but multiples. So I did spend a night wondering how many heartbeats were going to be found. I chatted up my DH probably half the night as to how we would handle three or four babies; we just decided we would love however many were found. It did turn out the next day that there were only 2 little jellybean babies in my tummy and we were really excited. But honestly I would have loved however many babies we had. ::

It's likely not going to be a breeze getting through your pregnancy, there will be scary days but if you take it one day at a time and if all 4 of your babies are strong enough to make it, what a total blast it will be. My girls are autistic so I kinda have more work than the average twin mama but I can't express in words what a joy it is to be the proud mama of multiples!!

Blessings for a healthy pregnancy to you!!
post #7 of 50
OK, if you weren't having all these fears and anxieties, I'd think you had your head in the sand. Heck, most of us here had similar feelings just upon hearing it was twins!

It makes me sad to hear someone say they feel like they are being punished for wanting to have a baby. Granted, I am not religious, but how can anyone believe that God would punish a human being for following a biological and societal imperative, and for using any means they had at their disposal to do so? You did nothing wrong! You are not being punished! You simply caught the crazy end of the odds scale, and now you have to figure out how to move ahead.

I know these are going to be stressful days ahead, but I hope you can at least stop beating yourself up. Focus on taking care of yourself as best you can, to give your babies the best chance possible. We'll be here for you.
post #8 of 50
Oh mama..... there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling completely ovewhelmed and terrified and regretful and sad and elated and ALL OF IT. Of course. This is huge.

The good news is that there is NOTHING you have to do today. There is also nothing you have to do tomorrow. All you have to do is sit with this earthshattering news and wait for your world to start spinning on its axis again. Slowly you will start getting used to your new reality and your life will start making sense. Just breathe and focus on this moment. You are fine in this moment.

Please be patient with yourself, mama. I am so sorry for the loss of your very innocent, realistic dreams of a single, easy, healthy baby.... and so happy for the good news of the beating hearts inside you right now.

I wish you peace. :
post #9 of 50

Saw your post in the pregnancy after loss forum as well. Please know that there's TOTALLY a place for you here on MDC. I don't think you'll face criticism or anything. Learning you are carrying four babes is HUGE, and I can only imagine the fear that it would engender.

We are currently starting IVF after four pregnancy losses. I, too, worry about multiples and totally understand the thought that you've brought it on yourself (I'm paraphrasing). At times I think that the losses mean we're only supposed to have our 1 DS and that if anything challenging comes of this next pregnancy it's because we couldn't just be content with 1. I think this is somewhat similar to what you're describing. But really, you have a heart yearning to be a mom -- there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, and you certainly have not brought any of this on yourself.

Let yourself feel. Talk through the highs and lows. Allow yourself to imagine all the scary AND amazing scenarios. I think the most you can do now is take care of yourself and ride the roller coaster. I can tell you it's a lot like parenting.

Thinking of you....

post #10 of 50

What you are feeling is normal, completely normal. You just found out, you are in shock and scared out of your mind (I can't imagine!) You can do this. People have done this long before you and many will be doing it long after you. Take all the help that is offered, start looking into local charities/gov't assistance type programs. Contact pampers directly,sometimes they will give high order multiples diapers, etc. Look into every avenue of help you can find. Emotionally, you are going to have to find peace with this. Give yourself time, wait until they start moving, you will absolutely fall head over heels in love with all of them before they are even born and even though it will be hard, you will look back when they are grown and think "that was hard, but worth every minute".

Keep telling yourself: You can do this. You can do this. You can do this.
post #11 of 50
I had all those thoughts when we found out there were two, I certainly think it's normal to go through it, especially with more
post #12 of 50
Oh mama, that sounds very hard. Is there a multiples support group you can go to? I have no clue what to say to be helpful, I'm sure a fellow quad mama would help so much. Praying for peace for you, and for health for both you and your babes.
post #13 of 50
I'm not a regular poster here, but just happened to be passing through and saw this and wanted to offer my support. I'm a twin mama, and of course it's not at all the same thing, but I just want to say that being a mother of multiples is about the greatest blessing I could possibly imagine. I do know a few people who are HOM mamas, and I've heard THIS website is about the best there is for helping work through the issues that come with it.

Also, if you just google the word "quadruplets", you will come across several blogs kept by parents of them - I can't imagine a better place to go for help and support!

Hang in there!
post #14 of 50

I'd be completely TERRIFIED in your shoes. Absolutely terrified. FOUR babies!?!? Holy cow Mama! I'm so excited and scared for you all at the same time. I was just musing yesterday if I'd attempt to nurse quads. You must be freaking out on so many many levels.

Lots of love and peace. Take it one small step at a time. First you have to get all four babies to 30 weeks and then progress from there. You'll have the support of this board every step is my guess.
post #15 of 50
post #16 of 50
s: Have you joined the yahoo group, APmultiples yet?
post #17 of 50
Claire, I can't even imagine what you're going through! To try and try to get pregnant and then get four. We're here for you. With open arms!
post #18 of 50
Originally Posted by OGirlieMama View Post
OK, if you weren't having all these fears and anxieties, I'd think you had your head in the sand. Heck, most of us here had similar feelings just upon hearing it was twins!
I completely agree with this... and am sending you a huge hug and wishes for strength and health and love from all of those around you. Keep us updated, and hang in there...
post #19 of 50
Saw this on new posts too.

No advise but you CAN do it!!! Yes you can!! You were already thinking it was triplets, right? Whats one more?!

Youre not being punished, your being rewarded! You deserve the love all these kids will give you!

GOOD LUCK and Congratulations!!!!!!!::
post #20 of 50
Please don't think you are being punished. You obviously really want to be a mother, and this is obviously a shock, but it will be okay.

I am not a mother of multiples, but I just wanted you not to beat yourself up. Hopefully, you will have a beautiful family full of love. It is hard to see that right now, but it will be easier to see as time goes along.

Find yourself a local mothers of multiples group. They will be able to help.
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