I'm so angry with everyone.

[slylives]

I just need to vent. I have had two losses within the last 4 months. One ectopic, one uterine.

A "frenemy" of mine (I feel ridiculous typing that but it's as accurate a description as I can come up with) had her second child yesterday. And posted everything in glorious technicolor on FB. I went out for dinner with a group of people last night - one of the women there announced that she is 14weeks pregnant with her second child. Her eldest is younger than mine.

Not even upset. Angry. So angry I wanted to lean over the table and slap her face, very hard. (I barely even know this woman.) I could not even bring myself to mutter "Congratulations." What is the matter with me? And Lord I hope it passes quickly.

[thtr4me]

I am right there with you mama and I am so sorry for your losses.

I have a 3 1/2 year old, and have been struggling to TTC since May of last year. I have had 2 losses in that time, one in January, and another just last month. And pregnant people just seem to be all around. It is so so hard.

[Seedlings]

I think your feelings are completely normal as you grieve your losses. When I had my loss at 15 weeks I lost touch with reality. I was so overwhelmed by my secondary infertility, failed ivf's and a loss due to my immune system. I meet with a counselor who really helped me go thru the grief process.

[slylives]

Thank you for your responses. I am really struggling at the moment and in fact I may well contact a grief counsellor. I seem to be getting worse rather than better and I am very concerned that it is not "normal" to feel so much, well, rage.

[crazyrunningmama]

I hear you. It would make sense for you to be angry, life has been really unfair to you on this. As well, sometimes depression comes out as anger (it really does with me). Please get some help from a professional who has experience with fertility issues, it really helped me. take care, we get it.

[AmyKT]

I'm just another one who gets it. I've been through IF and recently I went through a loss. I remember being so, so angry while TTC my daughter. I got angry this week at finding out that a coworker had a vasectomy. How dare he be so content with his family life while I'm still struggling? It's maddening. I went to counseling while TTC my first, but sadly, I didn't get the help I needed. If you do go to counseling, I'd strongly suggest finding someone who has experience helping IF and babyloss women.

[PaulaJoAnne]

Right with you!
SIL is pg now, mom keeps sending baby news of others, our church is busting with babies, and I have had 5 losses, and am waiting to see if this latest is going to be the same as usual.

[Noelle C.]

You are going through the normal grieving process, and your anger probably stems from jealousy. I'm not saying this to be mean. I've been there, several years of it! It's normal. You haven't recovered from your losses, and here one friend had her baby and another gets to experience joy. It's just driving the pain deeper, like life is taunting you.

Each period that comes is like a cruel reminder of what's been lost. But your feelings are normal. You aren't a bad person. You are human, and you've lost two children.

A support group of those in your same position would help wonders.

[turtlewomyn]

I have had similar problems in TTC #2. I had a miscarriage August of 2008, and then an ectopic rupture (with loss of tube) last Thanksgiving. I am trying again without much luck. I have found lots of comfort in an early loss support group through Hospice. The women there really get it, and I can feel free to share those dark feelings. I still have problems sometimes with my envy of pregnant women (in particular, when it is someone who is pregnant with #2, since that is what I was hoping for) but most of my anger is reserved for the truly insensitive clods (like my coworker yesterday who told me that if I wanted another child I should just get pregnant because it is easy).:

[BabyGoal]

You want to talk anger??? I have been ttc #1 for almost 7 years!!! We've tried everything and had one m/c from a natural(!?!?!) conception over a year ago... so frustrating, so sad, so horrible what I go thru on a daily basis.

I know exactly how you feel. This year alone, 3 good friends all had their next babies, while we are still waiting for our first! Going to the hospital to meet our Godchild was extremely difficult.

I am at the point where I am trying to convince myself that it's ok that we won't have children (or even 1 child) and I'm trying to recognize the benefits -- like my quiet house, with no toys strewn about. But every minute of my day is consumed with the emptiness and I'm not sure I'll ever get over it. It's destroying me.

All I can say to all of you out there ttc# 2 is "Good luck, I'm sending you lots of Baby Dust, but please take a minute and hold, kiss and breathe in the child you already have."

[slylives]

:(

BabyGoal - I'm so sorry. I don't know what else to say. And yes, I am thankful for our daughter every day. God bless.

[milkybean]

Anger is normal.

I actually have to take breaks from mothering, b/c sometimes signatures make me cry.

I have a friend who has been trying since before she got married in '02. No successes whatsoever.

I felt so guilty about it when we conceived DS on our first try, wedding night...but we've been unsuccessful with conceiving again, and we've been trying since DS was 9 months old. DS is 5 now. It has been very interesting "watching" myself, my feelings, noticing how they shift, ebb, flow...sometimes I'm very Zen, sometimes I rant and rave or burst into tears, it's all normal...


We've finally figured out what is very likely the problem (hubby has a prolactinoma and it has caused his testosterone levels to drop, they are at 35 right now, he's 3 months into treatment), and that is good. But what is bad is that he's been feeling the same symptoms for 3 years now, but NO ONE would check his hormone levels. He even had a cyst, that leaked fluid, in his chest tissue...and no one would check his hormone levels...that sort of cyst happens with prolactinomas...but he was only diagnosed 4 months ago. Now we have to wait it out until the insurance company gets their heads out of their behind and pays for the HCG for hubby. They would pay for plain old testosterone, to bring him to feeling normal, BUT the endo says that would CAUSE infertility while he takes it. Taht's not good. So we're seeing if the insurance company can see that it's better to not CAUSE a problem while treating another....until then we just have to wait it out.

This could have been cleared up 3 years ago if someone had listened to hubby....


Anyway, so we had DS in '04 and I know people and see signatures with many more kids in between...and I just have to stay away from those people, and I should probably block signatures here, and I take breaks...


It's all normal. But the people I don't like to begin with, like you have a frenemy, I'd just dump them entirely.

[BabyGoal]

Slylives, thank you for your kind words. And I'm sorry if I came off angry towards you, because I am not. Infertility is infertility -- and it's terrible, no matter where you are in life. And the anger and frustration we all feel is something that no one else can understand, since they (fortunately) haven't had to experience it.

I'm not looking for a pity-party, but it is nice to read about others who feel the way I do. It validates all of the emotions. Maybe someday there won't be a need for these boards anymore -- infertility could be a thing of the past (who knows?) But for now, I'm glad that we have an outlet to vent and be comforted by others who understand.

Wishing you and everyone else on this website a short stay...

[Perry]

I understand how you feel. i have been TTC #1 for 7 years and it drives me crazy when all of my youger siblings and their friends (still teenagers!) are all getting pregnant and I cannot. It makes me angry as well and I really wish it didn't. I keep telling myself that I have nothing to be so upset about, but my heart just doesn't seem to listen....

[Starr]

I'm completely there with you. Everyone I know is pregnant, seriously everyone. And with DD turning 4 we keep getting the questions only people aren't sure how to ask so we usually get why don't you just adopt another. Like its the easiest, or cheapest, thing ever. Even my MIL commented how she was depressed that she would never see a little version of her son.

Honestly I have to limit some events that I know would be too hard. And having someone to vent to does wonders, poor DH has had an earful at times. Hang in there... were all right there with you.

[Kuntry_Gurl78]

Prayers

I just wanted to offer my thoughts and prayers to everyone here! I know how you all feel...I had 3 miscarriages, before my ob/gyn at the time diagnosed me with a deviated septum in my uterus after my third loss. All that happened before I got pregnant with my DD (from my first marriage). I am now TTC #3, after a tubal reversal in March. I am now starting the "infertility journey", and it can be quite sad and scary! I know that it will happen in God's will and timing, and I will always pray for HIS will and timing in my life! I just want you all to know that you are sincerely in my thoughts and prayers! I pray that we will all receive our miraculous BFPs in God's will and timing! You all deserve the best!

God bless everyone!
TAM

[christophersmom]

Honestly, you either need to unfriend her or hide her statuses. It is what I had/have to do to anyone that is/was pregnant. I just couldn't stomach their complaints, woah is me, and all the cheering they got. It made me angry and sick to my stomach. I am still in the very angry stage and hoping it will pass.

[ImpatientMel]

Thanks

Thanks to everyone on this thread for making me feel a little less crazy. I thought I was the only one with this sadness and now I am also feeling mad at the world. I have been so angry lately with my whole situation and find myself being so envious of anyone who is pregnant. My best friend is preg with #2 and it's killing me. I just want to scream sometimes "IT'S NOT FAIR!!" I don't like the person I have become but it's hard to stay rational and calm when you want something so badly and keep failing. My younger brother and his wife have a 2yr old and now the next younger brother and my SIL are expecting their 1st and they got preg. the first month they tried and they aren't even 25 yet. ARGH I always thought being the oldest child I would have the first grandchild now Im scared I will never even have a child. I will be 32 in a couple months and I just feel like a ticking time bomb sometimes.

We have been trying to conceive for 2 1/2 years with one m/c in Jan08 and no success since then. I am currently on Clomid, doctor just upped me to 150mg after my second IUI failed this month. Unexplained infertility is defiinitely the hardest thing I have ever had to go through. I struggle with the emotional toll daily. Best of luck to all of you and thanks again for sharing your feelings. It helps to know I am not alone. Sorry for the long rant. I am new to this and had a lot to get off my chest.

[Tear78]

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I'm going through this anger, too, and I just feel so evil inside when I feel it, but you're right, IT'S JUST NOT FAIR!!!! Why?! I have to go to my cousin's baby shower tomorrow. I was invited on the phone by my aunt who knows what we've been through. No mention of it. I don't know if I can be there without losing it. Anyway, thank you for helping me feel not alone in that.

[ImpatientMel]

Feeling for you

Baby shower..ugh quite possible the hardest thing to deal with. Just wanted to send you strength and serenity to sit there and smile. I know it won't be easy. Hope it helps to remember you are not alone.