About six months ago I attended a conference for women to support each other through graduate studies in my field. It was an out-of-town Friday-Saturday conference and I brought with me my six-week-old boy.
There was no real breastfeeding room set up, and certainly no child care, and I was the only one who had brought a child to the conference. I contacted one of the organizers in advance and mentioned that I would need a space to breastfeed and/or pump, and she said I could use her hotel room. (I did not; instead I breastfed in the back of the seminar rooms and in the hallways -- anywhere the baby wanted to nurse. Because, after all, aside from the conference staff, we were all women.)
The baby slept through the morning seminars in my front-pack like a champ. However, after lunch, he became less patient and more fussy. It was a challenge... but we would leave the seminar room when he started crying, and everywhere I looked I got encouraging, understanding, or curious smiles.
If leaving in the middle of a lecture, I would approach the speaker later and apologize. She would say, "Oh, don't worry, honey, I have one at home. I think it's great you brought your little one!"
Near the end of the first day, the organizer, the one that had offered me her hotel room earlier, came up to me as I was nursing my grumpy baby outside the main lecture hall.
"Do you plan to bring your baby tomorrow too?" she asked.
"Yes," I answered. "Why?"
"Oh..." she said, "one of the other organizers was wondering. They find it kind of disturbing to have a baby here."
"He's just six weeks old," I said. "I don't have anywhere else to leave him."
(There was a pause as I died a little on the inside.)
"Well, it's OK, don't worry about it. It's fine." She said, blushing.
"I'm sorry," I stammered. "There is no other way."
She went away and chatted with the other organizers as I sat wondering which one has a problem with a six-week-old. Or with breastfeeding.
I have been thinking about this encounter for a long time. I wish I could have said something more. Something about how graduate student women should support one another, and how this is exactly the reason I came here with a baby.
Life does not end when you have a baby, and it's unfair to assume that graduate student women that have a baby either (a) stop coming to these kind of events, or (b) find childcare for their too-young infants.
I came to the event expecting unilateral support from the other women (which I received, except for this one case). I used the baby as an icebreaker, because graduate student women frequently have questions about starting a family.
Instead of feeling empowered as a new mom and a continuing student, I left feeling undersupported and underrepresented. I felt like a minority, and like I nearly was asked to leave. And instead of remembering the positive encounters, I remember this one best.
So, I've been thinking about this event and wondering if I should contact the organizer (the one that implied I shouldn't have brought my baby) and write her a letter. And if so, what should I say?
Thanks for reading.
There was no real breastfeeding room set up, and certainly no child care, and I was the only one who had brought a child to the conference. I contacted one of the organizers in advance and mentioned that I would need a space to breastfeed and/or pump, and she said I could use her hotel room. (I did not; instead I breastfed in the back of the seminar rooms and in the hallways -- anywhere the baby wanted to nurse. Because, after all, aside from the conference staff, we were all women.)
The baby slept through the morning seminars in my front-pack like a champ. However, after lunch, he became less patient and more fussy. It was a challenge... but we would leave the seminar room when he started crying, and everywhere I looked I got encouraging, understanding, or curious smiles.
If leaving in the middle of a lecture, I would approach the speaker later and apologize. She would say, "Oh, don't worry, honey, I have one at home. I think it's great you brought your little one!"
Near the end of the first day, the organizer, the one that had offered me her hotel room earlier, came up to me as I was nursing my grumpy baby outside the main lecture hall.
"Do you plan to bring your baby tomorrow too?" she asked.
"Yes," I answered. "Why?"
"Oh..." she said, "one of the other organizers was wondering. They find it kind of disturbing to have a baby here."
"He's just six weeks old," I said. "I don't have anywhere else to leave him."
(There was a pause as I died a little on the inside.)
"Well, it's OK, don't worry about it. It's fine." She said, blushing.
"I'm sorry," I stammered. "There is no other way."
She went away and chatted with the other organizers as I sat wondering which one has a problem with a six-week-old. Or with breastfeeding.
I have been thinking about this encounter for a long time. I wish I could have said something more. Something about how graduate student women should support one another, and how this is exactly the reason I came here with a baby.
Life does not end when you have a baby, and it's unfair to assume that graduate student women that have a baby either (a) stop coming to these kind of events, or (b) find childcare for their too-young infants.
I came to the event expecting unilateral support from the other women (which I received, except for this one case). I used the baby as an icebreaker, because graduate student women frequently have questions about starting a family.
Instead of feeling empowered as a new mom and a continuing student, I left feeling undersupported and underrepresented. I felt like a minority, and like I nearly was asked to leave. And instead of remembering the positive encounters, I remember this one best.
So, I've been thinking about this event and wondering if I should contact the organizer (the one that implied I shouldn't have brought my baby) and write her a letter. And if so, what should I say?
Thanks for reading.
: Depending on your field of study, that pressure may be more or less - mine was anthropology. There were some very cool profs who absolutely 'got it' and were very supportive, but I had a friend who, when he told his thesis advisor that he and his wife were expecting after years of infertility, was told, "Great. One more thing to distract you from your thesis." 
:
to you. So sorry they made you feel unwelcome as a new mom. Just goes to show that things have not changed much. They just expect women to act like men when in the men's world, even if it's all women around.
